Weird Theology

by Alex Raizman

  “No, let’s never call it that.” Athena said. Crystal nodded in agreement, but they both smiled to lessen the sting of that stupid name. “And what do you mean, whiteboard?”

  “Something I heard about somewhere,” Ryan said. “We put down every idea, no matter how stupid it is, or insane, or impossible. Everything goes up, and then we try to wheedle it down to the best plan.”

  Crystal and Athena shared a look, and Crystal shrugged. “I’ve heard worse ideas.”

  Ryan reached into his nanoverse to grab some paper. I wonder if this just vanished off some poor scribe’s desk. At least whatever they’re doing, they still use paper. “Okay, so for starters: drop a nuke on Enki.” Ryan wrote it down.

  “Yeah, love, that’s not going to happen,” Crystal said, leaning in.

  “Well, we still write it down. But why not?”

  Athena went ahead. “First of all, we’d be caught in the blast radius. I can’t speak for Crystal, but I’m not overly fond of being in a nuclear explosion.”

  Crystal nodded agreement.

  “Secondly, and more importantly, no one god could create that much power. We can’t cheat reality like that - we have to put as much power into it as we get out. The effort would kill us.”

  Ryan sighed. “Fair.”

  “And I don’t think we can say ‘no god,’ anymore.” Crystal said, tapping her fingers on the table. “I think Enki could at this point.”

  “I suppose two gods working in tandem could manage it…” Athena said with a frown.

  Crystal shook her head. “Not what I mean, love. Sure, they could. But Enki wouldn’t even need to push himself.” Crystal frowned right, then lit up as an idea occurred to her. “Ooh,” she said, “Anything goes? We could feed him to some bloody piranhas.” Both Ryan and Athena looked at her. “What? You said no matter how stupid? Piranhas are stupid, but I’d feel pretty good about it if we could make it work.”

  Athena chuckled as Ryan dutifully wrote it down.

  “But seriously,” Crystal said, “what about a gravity inversion, like what Ryan pulled before? This time with all three of us doing it. If we can launch him far enough into space, his Hungers might get him before he gets back to Earth.”

  Ryan wrote it down, then chewed on the end of his pen as Athena tapped her chin.

  “We don’t know how long it takes before his Hungers are a problem,” Athena finally said. “If we’re trying to wear him down to the point where he’ll suffocate, it’s likely that he’ll last far longer than us. That being said, it might be viable to try wearing him down enough to weaken him. Hit and run, focus on physical attacks and conserve our power, force him to burn as much as possible.”

  “Possible,” Crystal said as Ryan nodded.

  “I think we might want some kind of home run move once we get him worn down,” Ryan added. “Something to hit him with once he’s down to, well, at least our level. Can we, I dunno, break him apart at the molecular level?”

  Crystal shook her head. “It’s really hard to make changes to another gods form. I think it might even still be hard for Enki, since he didn’t try it. Otherwise the fight would have been over when he got you, love.”

  Ryan shuddered at the thought.

  “If we could, it’d be easier to turn him into a cabbage,” Athena said.

  “That’s the most random thing you’ve ever said,” Ryan said. “Why a cabbage?”

  “I loathe cabbage. I’m not going to defile the good name of a carrot or Brussel sprout by turning him into one.”

  Ryan’s forehead furrowed. “Brussel sprouts have a good name? They’re the vilest of all the vegetables, we should turn Enki into one of those! He’d fit right in.”

  “Just because you hold on to your childhood bad taste doesn’t mean we all do.”

  Crystal cleared her throat to interrupt. “As much as I love the idea of turning Enki into a vegetable, loves, we should probably focus on something more realistic.”

  “So...make him into a fruit?” Ryan shot Crystal a grin.

  “Nah. Too sweet for him.”

  Ryan jotted down “Vegetable plan”.

  “What about flooding?” Athena asked. It was Ryan and Crystal’s turn to stare at Athena, who raised a hand to hold off their objections. “Think about how he reacted to you even mentioning it, Ryan. It’s possible that a flood will cause him to panic, react stupidly, make mistakes. If we waterproof the castle, we can stay submerged and then hit him when he’s disoriented and panicking.”

  “Seems like a huge bloody risk. If he doesn’t panic, we’ve just disadvantaged both sides equally, and he’s still as powerful as he was.”

  “Still writing it down,” Ryan said, “Because it’s something we should think about.”

  Crystal nodded. “Also, Athena, I do like the idea of attacking Enki’s psychology. If we can exploit his weak points there, we’re fighting him on the one field where we have the advantage. As bloody powerful as he is, we’re smarter than him, and nothing he’s done suggests he’s more emotionally stable after gaining phenomenal powers.”

  “About that, though,” Ryan said as he added the words ‘psychological warfare’ to the list. “Can we be sure we’ll outsmart him? I mean, wasn’t he really smart back in your time, Crystal?”

  “Not the way you’re thinking. Enki was considered a god of intelligence and crafting, but he was always a linear thinker, never the most creative type. Back when the wheel was the biggest technological advancement, being inventive wasn’t nearly as important as being able to implement things. Enki doesn’t come up with new ideas, for the most part. He makes other people’s ideas happen.”

  “Gotcha. Well, if we’re trying to outsmart him,” Ryan cast a glance at Athena for her reaction, “we could put ourselves in a wooden horse.”

  “Oh, goody,” Athena said dryly, “a Trojan Horse joke. I can assure you that, in the last three thousand years, those haven’t gotten even slightly stale.”

  “That’s good,” Ryan responded. “I’ll be sure to make more of them then.”

  Crystal sighed. “We’re not making progress here. This is a good idea, Ryan, but I’m calling a break right now. We’re all too close to this. We still need to mentally heal and get ready for tomorrow. I suggest we go into our nanoverses, take some time to think, and meet back up after we have a bit of S and S, yeah?”

  Athena nodded, although Ryan looked perplexed. “S and S?”

  “It’s like R and R, but instead of Rest and Relaxation, it’s Sleep and Social.”

  “Ah. Sounds like a plan then.” He frowned. “Plus, I really want to find out why the hell I got a stick for a weapon.”

  Chapter 26

  Paradise

  The first impression Ryan got when stepping onto the former Throneworld of the Emperor was how overwhelmingly clean it all was. He had to shield his eyes for a moment to let them adjust to the gleam. The streets were made of polished marble that seemed to bear no trace of dirt left by people walking on it. The buildings were gold and silver, skyscrapers that truly earned the name - some looked like they might reach out of the atmosphere. The vehicles emitted no gases Ryan could see, and under his divine sight it was confirmed they were only letting out water vapor. The people were dressed in a thousand different colors.

  It immediately put the hair on the back of Ryan’s neck up. There’s got to be some trick. Daasti’s turned into a damn Tyrant. I wish I could get someone to show me around.

  A pair of individuals approached him, both wearing uniforms of red and silver with badges that marked them as law enforcement. He didn’t recognize their species - green skinned and humanoid, but with compound eyes and long antenna. “First time on world, traveler?” one of them asked.

  “First time in a very long time,” Ryan said, putting on a grin for them. I didn’t actually come down to the world last time, so it’s been what, two hundred thousand years? Less? More?

  “Well, let us show you around,” the other said. Now that his eyes had adj
usted, Ryan could see they had distinctive ripples of lighter green across their faces.

  “I mean, sure, but shouldn’t you two have more important things to do?”

  They both laughed. “I’ve been a Lawbringer for thirty cycles, traveler, and had exactly one crime in that time period. I think we can spare an afternoon.” The speaker offered his hand. “Rello, and my podmate, Callo.”

  Ryan blinked. That can’t be right. Cops that only have a crime every three decades? “I’m…” Let’s not start off with “I’m god” this time? “Nayr.” Flipping his first name backwards was the best he could come up with.

  “Well, Nayr, how about it? Guided tour by two bored Lawbringers?”

  “It can’t be just that you’re bored,” Ryan said with a frown. “I mean, is this what you do? Walk up to new people and offer them tours?”

  The two shared a look, and Ryan could sense confusion in the wavering of their antennas. Why would they be confused? Is it...He remembered his thoughts upon arriving. Oh crap, I made them approach me and offer. No wonder they seem so confused.

  Ryan considered sending them away, then realized that doing so would only further their confusion. “You sure you won’t get in trouble?” Ryan asked.

  Rello relaxed. “Oh, absolutely.”

  “Well, in that case, lead on.” I bet you’re part of Daasti’s secret police anyway. Go ahead, throw a black bag over my head. I dare you.

  Rello and Callo did not seem interested in trying to haul him off. Instead, they were serious about giving him a tour of the city, helping him into their vehicle. Callo leaned over to push a button. Before Ryan’s eyes, the roof and sides became completely transparent. Callo pointed to one of the buildings as they started to drive. “Over there is the Hall of Companions, where the Hundred Companions, led by Daasti, oversee the Republic.”

  Ryan grunted. He had to admit it was an impressive building, a tower that expanded at the top to a series of gleaming glass pods that overlooked the city. “Is that where you Lawbringers work?”

  They both laughed. “No,” Rello said, “although every Lawbringer hopes to one day join the Companions.”

  Callo snorted. “Speak for yourself, Rello. It would be just as boring as being a Lawbringer, only you’d have to go into space. Spare me that.”

  “At least the pay would be better, right?” Ryan asked, trying to join in the conversation.

  Instead of laughing, the two Lawbringers shared a look. “Son,” Rello asked, “is someone demanding you work for wages?”

  “What?”

  “Because if someone was forcing you into a monetary system,” Callo said, “you’re safe here. You can tell us.”

  “No, I…” Ryan frowned, trying to keep up with the conversation. “No one’s forcing me into a monetary system.”

  They glanced at each other. “If you’re sure,” Rello said. “You...you’re from the Edge, aren’t you?”

  “Of course,” Ryan said, hoping he caught the meaning right. As the vehicle kept moving, they wound a corner to reveal even more gleaming buildings. “Just some ignorant Edge tourist.”

  “You shouldn’t talk about yourself like that,” Callo said. “Edge schools are just as good as those on Throne, and forced monetary systems are just as illegal there.” Callo’s antenna waggled in agitation. “You were told being forced to work for a living is illegal, right? Your basic income should cover your needs - you are getting it right?”

  Ryan took a deep breath. “Of course. I just...I have some more expensive tastes. I just like working for extra money to buy fancy things.”

  The two Lawbringers finally relaxed. “Oh, of course.” Rello said. “Sorry. You just...you heard what happened out on the Edge in Corvip, right?”

  Ryan shook his head.

  “Oh Ryan,” Callo said. For a moment Ryan’s heart skipped at his name. Relax, Ryan. You’re still a religious figure here, right? “It was terrible. The people were being lied to, their basic income seized. They were forced to work if they wanted to survive, not just as a way to earn luxuries.”

  “Terrible, terrible business,” Rello said. “It was just, when you mentioned wages right away…”

  Ryan forced another grin. “Of course. But, if I was on a world like that, would they ever allow me to leave? I mean, if I was running an illegal wage-stealing corporation, I wouldn’t.”

  “That’s...quite the devious mind you have there, son.” Callo said, the antenna waving becoming more intense. “What business are you in?”

  Holy crap they’re sincere. They’re really all on some kind of weird system where they get money just so...so they don’t have to worry about starving? Ryan frowned at how logical it sounded when you put it that way. Also would explain the lack of homeless. Ryan hadn’t seen a single one.

  “I’m a...freelancer. Only work when I have something I’m looking towards, y’know? A little bit of this, a little bit of that. Just finished a full year stint as an artist to fund my trip here.”

  That got Callo to finally relax. “You’re an artist! That’s wonderful. Do you have any paintings for sale?”

  I do now. Ryan willed a folio into existence in his bag, full of replications of the works of Van Gogh. Artist wasn’t the best decision - Ryan couldn’t paint his way out of a paper bag - but it was the first thing he’d thought of that omnipotence would make easy to fake. “Sure,” he said, showing Callo.

  Callo ended up buying Starry Nite for a thousand credits. Ryan had no idea how much money it was, but Callo seemed happy with his purchase. Ryan was ready to let them go. He wanted to explore more on his own. “Hey, question. Where does someone go to find a party around here?”

  ◆◆◆

  Five days later, Ryan walked into the Hall of Companions and teleported himself to Daasti’s office. Daasti barely restrained a startled jump at the sudden interruption. Ryan, for his part, was surprised by Daasti’s appearance. He could see lines of the man he had made into a demigod, but it was a faint echo. Daasti had filled out over the centuries, the relatively thin man had grown muscular and his dark hair gone grey.

  “Heya, Daasti. Long time no talk.”

  “Ryan.” He gave a perfunctory, reluctant bow. If Ryan didn’t know better, he’d say Daasti seemed nervous. Then again, Ryan, do you know better? Do you really? You met the guy once. “I was wondering if you’d stop by while you were here. We’ve been watching you for the last couple of days.”

  Ryan shrugged. “I wasn’t exactly hiding.” He’d changed his clothes to match the style he’d seen exploring the world. However, when he’d seen the cameras he hadn’t bothered altering his face.

  “No, you weren’t. Two Lawbringers showed you around, you spent time at a club, and since then you’ve been wandering. Like you were surprised by what you saw.” Daasti frowned, not just with his mouth but with his entire face, a downward curl that reached his eye and forehead.

  Ryan expected a question to follow that frown, but nothing did. “Everything alright with that?”

  “Of course it’s alright,” Daasti said, smoothing his face. “You’re God, after all. You can do whatever you want.”

  Ryan watched him for a moment. The stiffness of Daasti’s posture, the way his hands were clenched into fists at his side…”Something bothering you, Daasti? Please, be honest.”

  “You sure you want that?”

  “Of course I do.”

  Daasti took a deep breath. “Alright. If you decide to strike me down for this, just...you asked for the truth.” Before Ryan could respond, Daasti continued. “I think you’re here to destroy us. I think you’re furious we’ve gotten rid of weapons, that we took away your toys. I think you’re ready to break apart our Republic because of that. And I know I can’t stop you, I know you’re more powerful than I can imagine, but you will have to kill every single Companion if you try.” Daasti raised his head a bit to make sure he was meeting Ryan’s gaze. “The rest of the Republic may still worship you, but I remember what you are. A War God. A Dea
th God. And a God of Tyrants.”

  Ryan took a deep breath. “And freeing you when I was here last didn’t earn me any credit?”

  “Freeing me from a system you created. I don’t think you’re soulless, Ryan. I think you just want things from us.”

  Ryan winced at the accusation. Holy crap, he thinks I’m the Dark One. This is that part of the fantasy novel, the prologue, where the Dark Evil God destroys the perfect civilization that comes before the Chosen One’s time. “I swear to you, Daasti, I’m not going to undo what you built here. I’m not even mad at you.” That last part was a lie, but Ryan wanted Daasti at ease.

  It seemed to work, some. “Then, may I ask you a question?” Ryan nodded. “Why spend almost a week among us, pretending to be mortal?”

  “My power is almost unlimited, but not completely, and I never claimed omniscience.” Ryan smiled, “Besides, there’s a big difference between watching from on high and walking among the actual people.”

  Daasti jerked his head up and down, accepting that. “And what did you think of what we’ve done since you were last here?”

  “It’s a paradise.” Ryan didn’t see any point in dissembling. “I’m not seeing anyone hungry, any sign of oppression, and crime seems to be almost nonexistent.”

  “It’s rare,” Daasti said, relaxing a bit. “But not unheard of. With no poverty, no hunger, no want, there’s no motive for most people to commit crimes.”

  That matched what Ryan had seen, too. “And then there’s the fact that you’ve gotten rid of all weapons.”

  Daasti nodded. “And found harmless ways to replace tools that could be weaponized - knives and spades and the like.” He smiled. “Even those gripped by madness or rage find it hard to actually kill someone with their bare hands. Some people get creative - break sticks to points, tie chunks of metal or stone to them - but that’s a High Crime. All weapons are.”

  Ryan did his best to keep his face blank. “There’s a problem there, though.”

  Now the tension, and Daasti’s full face frown, returned. “You said you wouldn’t. You literally just did. I should have known better - it was your first commandment. ‘Here is the book of Science - thou shalt use it to make weapons in My name, and thou shalt wage war with those tools’.” Daasti spat. “We destroyed all records of that in the holy text.”