Ballsy

by Sean Ashcroft

  “I got us a map,” Ben turned the phone around before Sam had a chance to say anything. “With directions I can actually follow. That’s the most useful contribution I can make to this.”

  Oh. He was trying to help.

  That was sweet, in an extremely Ben-like way.

  “We’ve gotta get you out of the city sometime,” Sam said, grabbing the backpack they’d been given which, in theory, contained a picnic and a blanket to eat it on. It was heavier than he expected.

  Before he could say so, Ben took it from him and shrugged it over his shoulders, handing the phone over.

  Sam blinked. He was handing his phone over? So he couldn’t work while they walked? Even though he’d just stumbled on a big, important story?

  After a moment, Sam reached out to take it, still confused.

  “Work can wait,” Ben said, obviously understanding the look on Sam’s face for what it was. “We’ll probably never get the chance to have a break like this again, we should enjoy it.”

  Sam didn’t want that to be true, but he knew it might be.

  That was the thing about Ben. He worked all the time, even when he didn’t need to be working, even when there wasn’t going to be any kind of reward for it.

  Part of Sam had always wanted to save him from that, but if they were really going to try this now, he’d have to accept that it wasn’t up to him. Ben didn’t need saving. He needed support.

  “Are you sure? Because as long as I get to eat, I don’t really care,” Sam lied. He liked the idea of a quiet walk in the woods with Ben, no distractions, no outside world. That was how they’d gotten as far as they had this weekend.

  Would they be able to keep this up when they went back to the real world? Sam was already starting to dread that maybe they wouldn’t, maybe Ben would decide he wasn’t ready to be out, maybe this was his only chance to get what he’d always wanted, and maybe he should be savoring every second.

  “I’m sure,” Ben said. “I can email Eliot when you’re asleep later and get him to do some of the heavy lifting.”

  Sam smiled, unable to help himself. Ben had thought this through, after all.

  Just as Sam was getting over the high of knowing that Ben really was trying, that he was clearly invested in this, a miracle occurred. Ben reached out and took his hand, clasping their fingers together loosely, but firmly enough that Sam knew he was wanted.

  Sam’s heart pounded in his chest, the feel of Ben’s rough fingers under his own surreal for a few moments. He could get used to this. This felt amazing.

  “This is what you want, right?” Ben asked softly after a moment, squeezing Sam’s fingers.

  “Not if it makes you uncomfortable,” Sam said automatically. He did want this. He wanted to be with Ben, but he also wanted Ben to be comfortable being seen with him.

  “I’ll get used to it,” Ben responded, his voice still low. “This is good practice.”

  “You don’t need to get used to it for me.”

  As much as he would have liked to think otherwise, Sam would have accepted being Ben’s secret. He wasn’t strong enough to give Ben up over having to hide away and pretend they were only friends.

  “Yeah, I do,” Ben said. “You’ve put up with so much crap from me over the years, and it’s time I started paying you back. This is a start.”

  Sam ran his thumb over Ben’s knuckles, not quite willing to give his hand up now that he had hold of it. “You don’t owe me anything,” he murmured. “I just want you around.”

  Ben glanced behind them, back to where they’d all walked away from, then took the lead and tugged Sam a little further into the forest, until they were well and truly away from prying eyes and ears.

  “I couldn’t stop crying when you left,” Ben said softly. “I’m not saying this to make you feel guilty, but I want you to hear me out, okay?”

  “Okay,” Sam agreed. If Ben felt the need to talk, he’d listen. He’d always listen.

  “I’d never really cried before then. Not like that, anyway. I’d never grieved, I guess. I spent weeks hearing planes fly overhead and fantasizing that maybe you were coming back, and I could apologize for being weak and stupid. And then for a while I wanted to hate you for breaking my heart, but I could never quite make myself do it.”

  “Ben,” Sam said softly, pausing to reach out to him. He could feel tears stinging at his eyes.

  He’d felt more or less the same way, but was too stubborn to give in. Too angry. Too young and stupid to realize the full magnitude of what he’d been throwing away.

  “My point is,” Ben continued. “That I already know what it’s like to lose you, and I’d cut my own arm off before I’d risk going through that again. So I do need to pay attention to what you need, and what you want, and I do need to set aside some of my own hangups. For you, but also for me.”

  Sam swallowed thickly, forcing back tears. He didn’t need to be a grown man crying in the middle of nowhere right now, but he was only barely stopping himself.

  “I love you, too,” Sam said. “Always have.”

  Ben nodded, looking down at his shoes.

  Sam hadn’t expected for a moment to hear it back, but if it helped Ben worry less about their future, that didn’t matter. Ben had just told him he loved him more eloquently than Sam ever could have.

  Actually hearing the words didn’t really matter.

  “I’ll, uh. Work on that, too,” Ben said, looking back up. “Can we talk about literally anything else, now?”

  Sam chuckled. Ben was an amazing man, but his emotional stamina was non-existent. Which was fine, too. Sam knew what he was getting with Ben. He knew Ben better than anyone else in the world did, and Ben knew him better than anyone else in the world. Even after all this time.

  “Have I mentioned that I like the long hair on you?” Sam asked, changing the subject as requested.

  “Uh, I don’t remember,” Ben said, a blush creeping down his neck. “You do?”

  “I do. I figure it’s a sign that you couldn’t be bothered getting a haircut, but I still like it.”

  Ben smiled wryly. “You know me too well. How far is this walk, anyway?”

  “It’s only about ten minutes more,” Sam said, checking the map Ben had given him. “Aside from the weird couples’ retreat, this place is nice. Peaceful.”

  “Yeah,” Ben agreed. “Maybe… maybe I could be persuaded to take more holidays. If, uh. If they were with you,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck.

  “I’ll turn you into a travel writer eventually,” Sam said. “Or die trying.”

  “If it’s travel writing or having to drag your body back down this trail, I’ll travel write,” Ben joked. “I don’t know if I have anything interesting to say about that kinda thing. I’m good at sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong. Not so much at critiquing the mattresses in far-flung hotels.”

  “I’ll help you critique the mattress.” Sam grinned. “You were great in bed, by the way. I’m not sure I made that clear enough.”

  Ben cleared his throat, obviously embarrassed. This was one thing he’d just have to get used to being embarrassed about, though. Sam intended to heap praise on him at double the normal rate, to make up for lost time.

  “At least I wasn’t a disappointment,” Ben mumbled, looking out into the distance.

  “You’ve never disappointed me,” Sam said. “Not once.”

  Ben flexed his fingers, still holding onto Sam’s hand. “We were supposed to be changing the subject.”

  “Well, we did.” Sam shrugged. “I just can’t think of anything other than how perfect you are.”

  Ben laughed softly, his whole face glowing when Sam glanced over at him. He paused, and then turned around, backing Sam up against the nearest tree, pressing his whole weight into him to hold him in place.

  Sam’s breath hitched as Ben leaned in, his eyes falling closed as their lips connected. Warmth flowed through him, seeping in from all the points where he was touching Ben, and he reach
ed out for more contact. More Ben. More of everything.

  Sam hummed softly as Ben kissed him, slow and deliberate, his stubble scraping against Sam’s freshly-shaved skin and his hair tickling the edge of his ear as it fell forward. The tiniest curl of arousal unfurled in his gut, but not enough to make him needy or desperate. Just enough to get his attention.

  He whimpered as Ben pulled away, following his lips and catching them again briefly before letting him go.

  “That’s one way to get me to shut up,” Sam murmured, opening his eyes slowly.

  They had a lot of missed kisses to make up for. Which was just as well, because Sam could have kissed Ben all day and never gotten tired of it.

  “That was the idea.” Ben smirked at him. “Not that I don’t enjoy the sound of your voice.”

  “Hey, if you wanna kiss instead of talk, I’m up for it.” Sam grinned.

  “I wanna catch that sunset,” Ben said, pushing away from Sam, but grabbing his hand again.

  Sam’s heart leapt at the contact, excitement making his skin tingle. It hadn’t just been a gesture. Ben was really trying to get used to holding hands.

  Judging by his relaxed shoulders and the tiny, persistent smile on his face, he might even have been starting to like it.

  “And they say romance is dead,” Sam said as he followed Ben up the trail. Really, they hadn’t needed a map. There was only one way to go, and he could already see the lookout point they were headed to.

  “I don’t know if you can really expect me to be romantic,” Ben said. “I’m not sure I know how it’s done.”

  “You’re doing a good job so far. I mean, you just said you wanted to see a sunset, and you’re dragging me with you. That’s actually a lot more than I expected.”

  “I am trying,” Ben said softly, turning to face Sam. “I want you to be happy.”

  Sam closed the gap between them before Ben could react, pressing a soft kiss into Ben’s lips before backing away. He didn’t want to crowd him, or pile more physical affection than he was ready for on him, but he did want Ben to know that his efforts were appreciated.

  “I am happy. I’m with you.”

  Ben looked down, and though Sam had never thought of him as a shy person, he was just realizing that Ben was shy about all this. That it was new to him, and he didn’t know what to expect or whether he was doing things right.

  That was okay. Sam was happy to provide regular feedback in the form of kissing him whenever he did something sweet. It was a great excuse to kiss him a lot.

  The view from top of the rise they’d been steadily climbing turned out to be more than worth the effort of getting up there. Whatever else was going on at this retreat, Sam couldn’t fault the setting.

  “Oh,” Ben said as he paused to look out, staring out into the distance for long moments.

  The valley below was already starting to light up in golds and reds as the sun headed for the horizon. The light breeze carried with it the faintest hint of pine and cedar, even though the canopy looked like it was mostly oak.

  Normally, Sam’s first instinct would have been to take out his phone and snap a picture or two while the light was perfect. The weight of Ben’s phone in his pocket, alongside his own, stopped him.

  If Ben could pause and enjoy something for a moment, so could he.

  Sam shifted his grip on Ben’s hand, linking their fingers together loosely as they both stood and watched the colors below shift and change like magic.

  The urge to take Ben to every beautiful place on Earth just to see him stop and be still like this for a few seconds hit Sam hard. He would have given anything for the chance to whisk Ben away from all his worries, all his stress, and just be.

  Ben would get bored of it after ten minutes. That was just how he was.

  Looking out over the valley and feeling Ben’s fingers intertwined with his own, though, Sam believed for the first time that they might be able to find a balance.

  He believed that this could work.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Ben would never admit to the excited, giddy laughter while he was racing Sam to the shower if he was asked about it later, but now that they were both under the warm water, naked, he had to admit that showering together was a great idea.

  Sam was always the ideas man between them. It had been too easy to forget that while he was gone.

  Sam had always been the source of fun in Ben’s life, the lightness and laughter to his to his serious, brooding tendencies.

  He’d mellowed out over the last few years, but Sam’s happiness still made his heart soar.

  He pushed Sam up against the wall, savoring his gasp as his back hit the cold tiles behind him, pressing close and kissing him hungrily to make up for it. He chuckled as he felt Sam’s cock press against him, already half-hard.

  Not that he was far behind. Now that he’d gotten over the hurdle of their first time together, Ben wanted more. As much more as Sam would give him, for as long as he could possibly keep him.

  “I wish I could take your cock again,” Sam murmured between kisses. Ben blushed all the way down to his chest at Sam’s directness, though he suspected he’d have to get used to it.

  “It’s not going anywhere,” Ben promised, proud of himself for managing a coherent comeback instead of embarrassed babbling.

  Normally, he wasn’t like this when it came to sex. He wasn’t the world’s most confident lover, but he’d never had complaints.

  He also didn’t laugh or blush all that much. Sam did that to him. Sam turned him into a giggling teenager all over again, too excited to be having sex at all to care about how he did it.

  Except that he wanted to make Sam feel good. That, he cared about.

  “I hope not.” Sam smiled a warm, fond smile at him. “And thank you. For not freaking out over the scars. I don’t think I said before.”

  “I don’t care about them.” Ben shrugged. “I care that you were hurt, and I care that you’re self-conscious, but not…”

  He trailed off, reaching out to splay his hand on the patch of gravel rash on Sam’s thigh. The worst of it was on his left shoulder and down his arm, which must have been where he hit the road.

  The one on his face looked like something else, glass maybe. It had cut deep into his eyebrow and scraped his cheek, but in Ben’s mind, it suited him. Sam was the one who went on adventures. He was bound to come away from them a little scuffed.

  That didn’t make him any less perfect.

  Sam smiled a slow smile that made his whole face light up, and then surged in, kissing Ben hard, parting his lips eagerly and swiping his tongue along the inside.

  Ben was starting to love the way Sam kissed. He was used to people being a little forceful with him, but never quite like this.

  He hummed as he felt Sam’s cock press against him again, and reached down to wrap his hand around it. They could get clean later.

  The showers were probably as big as they were for exactly this purpose.

  “I could get used to you taking charge.” Sam grinned at him. “If you want. No pressure.”

  “I could get used to having you naked and hard,” Ben said, surprising himself.

  He could definitely get used to this, though. As much as it did his heart good that Sam was back in his life, it was also doing wonders for his sex drive.

  “I wish I could take your cock again right now,” Sam repeated himself. Obviously, he was a little preoccupied with the idea.

  Ben swallowed, the immediate spark of arousal making his cock twitch. Being inside Sam had been so different than what he was used to. More importantly, it had made him feel closer to Sam than he’d ever been before.

  Even if they never did it again, he’d be jerking off over the thought for the rest of his life.

  “Actually…” Sam trailed off, smiling a slow smile and moving his gaze down Ben’s body. “I can take it,” he said.

  Before Ben could figure out what he meant, Sam was pushing him back until he hit the til
es on the opposite side of the shower, away from the spray.

  Suddenly, Sam was on his knees in front of him.

  Ben swallowed. This was… well, it was a good look for him, his hair wet and his eyes wide and dark, focused on Ben’s cock. Sam’s tongue darted out to wet his lips, soft and pink and so, so inviting.

  “If this is okay with you?” Sam asked, as though there was any possible universe in which Ben was going to say no.

  Ben nodded, biting his lip. He’d only had this done for him a few times, and not in a while.

  The thought of having Sam’s lips wrapped around him, of him sucking and swirling his tongue and doing everything in his power to make Ben come… he could get behind that.

  He could really, really get behind that.

  “You sure you wanna do this?” Ben asked, his conscience getting the better of him for a moment.

  Sam looked down and licked his lips. “Yes,” he said, then reached out to the shelf on the wall above him, where the retreat’s miniature shampoo, conditioner, and body wash lived. He grabbed a bottle and passed it to Ben.

  Ben looked at it, confused.

  “You can wash my hair while I suck your cock if it’ll make you feel better.”

  To Ben’s surprise, it did make him feel better.

  “Deal,” he said, flicking open the shampoo bottle. The scent of lavender filled his nostrils immediately.

  Sam laughed, but the laughter didn’t last long. He leaned in and licked a broad stripe up the underside of Ben’s cock, the sensation making Ben’s knees go weak immediately. A rush of precome leaked out of the head of his cock, making him bite down on his lip to stop himself from whimpering.

  Before he could recover from that, Sam sucked the head of his cock into his mouth, his tongue pressing against the sensitive underside of the head, dipping into the slit.

  The moment Sam swallowed, Ben had to push himself back into the wall to stop his knees from giving out entirely. Sam was good at this, and while Ben didn’t want to think about the practice he’d gotten, he was happy to reap the benefits now.

  Ben could practically feel the blood rushing away from his brain and into his cock, already painfully hard. He’d been given a task, though, and he intended to do as Sam had asked, even if he’d been joking.