Mackenna on the Edge

by Djuna Shellam

  “Because… it’s true,” Mackenna said, her voice choking with emotion. “Don’t you understand? I killed her for god’s sake. I killed her and I have to pay for that—I finally have to pay. All these years I’ve been living a lie and I’ve paid for it with my parents, Deirdre, Prairie, and even Fiona… I can’t do it anymore, Eve. I just can’t do it.” Mackenna looked straight into Eve’s face and asked with bewilderment, “How can you possibly love me knowing what I did? She was your sister, for god’s sake! She was your sister! She was your sister and I killed her.”

  Eve grabbed the now hysterical Mackenna by the shoulders and shook her slightly to gain her attention. As tears rolled down her own face, Eve said firmly, “Now you listen to me, Mackenna—you did not kill Alice. You did not kill my sister! Do you understand me? STOP IT!! You have to stop saying you killed her—it’s just not true!”

  Mackenna shook herself free of Eve’s grip and escaped to the other side of the room, and into the salon. “Yes I did!” she exclaimed. “I did it, Eve and you can’t deny that! I did it…Don’t you see, Eve? It was me all along. I did it. I ended your baby sister’s life,” she sobbed.

  “Stop it!” Eve pleaded as she followed Mackenna into the salon. “Stop it! Please…” Eve caught up with Mackenna and gently grabbed her arm, bringing her to a sudden halt. “Honey wait, please… why? Tell me… can you tell me why do you think you… Christ… you killed her?”

  “Because… because…” Mackenna dropped her body onto the over-stuffed sofa and hugged a throw pillow to her body and said quietly as tears streamed from her eyes, “Because… it was all my fault.”

  Eve sat down quickly next to Mackenna and squeezed her thigh with her hand. “No, no… Mackenna, no. I don’t know why you’re saying you killed Alice. You think it was your fault, but you’re wrong. My god, you are so wrong,” Eve insisted, “You’re all wrong.”

  “No I’m not! I’m not wrong, Eve… I’m not wrong. I did it… and there’s no use telling me any different!” Mackenna turned abruptly and faced Eve. “I murdered her! I have to pay for what I did—that’s why I —”

  “My god… I don’t know why you’re insisting you killed Alice and agonizing with such guilt, but —”

  “Because I killed her dammit!” Mackenna pounded the pillow with her fist in frustration. “Aren’t you listening to a thing I’m saying? I—Killed—Alice!” she shouted.

  “No—You—Didn’t!” Eve shouted back, frustrated by the seesaw conversation that was going nowhere. The volume and depth of emotion in Eve’s voice seemed to have made an impact on Mackenna, who fell immediately still.

  “Em… I’m sorry, Mackenna…” Eve tried to continue in a lowered voice, but was so overcome with sentiment she was suddenly rendered speechless. She watched Mackenna who was so completely wracked with remorse, shame and guilt that she was momentarily taken aback by the whole drama unfolding before her. “Mackenna—please listen to me,” she said, finally. Eve’s mind was reeling. “Listen… yes, Alice died. Okay? We both know that. Even though she’s the ghost in the room with us all the time that we never ever discuss… we both know she’s gone. But not because of anything you did. She died from an aneurysm… You knew that.”

  “But… no, it was the accident… it was my fault, Eve—the accident… I…” Mackenna was suddenly bewildered. “What? An aneurysm? No… I didn’t…”

  “Oh my god… Em, Mackenna. Didn’t you know? Alice died from an aneurysm… an aneurysm that was there before the accident. Remember? It probably would have blown eventually whether she was in the accident or not. She was actually very lucky to have lived as long as she did. It was just a horrible coincidence. That’s all it was—a terrible, terrible coincidence. It wasn’t your fault.”

  Mackenna stared wide-eyed at Eve, her eyes filled with disbelief as she shook her head, crying. “No, no, no, Eve. You’re just saying that… No, no one ever told me that. I was on my way to see her after Dot made arrangements… she was all right. She was fine… and… she was asking for me and then Dot came back. She came back and told me Alice died—she told me. She told me she died.” Mackenna slumped over the pillow she continued to clutch and broke down completely, burying her face in her hands while she wailed. “She died and it was all my fault. It was all my fault—I killed her!”

  Eve was completely dumbfounded, rendered speechless by Mackenna’s incredible angst and heartrending confession. Mackenna, distraught with emotion, continued weakly, “Dot told me she died from complications, Eve—she died from complications—from the accident. That’s what Dot said—I remember it like it was yesterday. She told me… she told me the accident wasn’t my fault… but I knew. I knew it was all my fault, Eve… If I hadn’t been so drunk, and if Alice hadn’t insisted on taking care of me… taking me home… It was my fault… and now she’s dead. She’s dead… All these years I’ve been living a lie because… I… didn’t want anyone to know I… to know what a horrible person I am… a murderer. I couldn’t… I couldn’t accept… she’s really… gone. She’s gone.” Mackenna’s body jerked spasmodically as her crying became all encompassing.

  Eve suddenly embraced her, moved by the enormity of the source of Mackenna’s pain. She stroked Mackenna’s hair and her back to calm her while she herself silently cried. But her tears were not for Alice. Through the years Eve had cried more than her share of tears for Alice, but now she was crying for the dear, sweet woman in her arms. It was too sad, too tragic to realize all these years that Em blamed herself for something that was out of her control. It was a horrible mistake, and to carry that guilt for so many years was unfathomable to Eve, who now blamed herself. Oh, how everything made sense to her now. The avoidance over the years, the lies to Camille and Deirdre—leading them to believe Alice merely broke Em’s heart seventeen years ago and is still alive and well, and living only god knows where.

  “Oh, honey…” Eve soothed. “Sweetie, it wasn’t your fault.”

  “I got drunk, Eve… I had to… I wanted to make her want me again… if I hadn’t been drunk she… Oh god,” she wailed. “She’s gone… she’s really gone—and it’s all my fault!”

  TWENTY-SIX

  Call Me Em

  Eve held Mackenna tightly, pressing Mackenna’s head next to her breast and said with quiet intensity and emotion, “Now you need to listen to me and you need to listen good. You’re right about one thing. The accident was caused by a drunk. A drunk driver. It was his fault. Not yours. Are you listening to me? He was a drunk and he was driving. And because of that ugly little fact, not only did he kill himself and the guy who was driving you home, but he left his wife and seven little kids with nothing. He almost killed Alice and you, too. Can you honestly tell me you blame yourself for how badly you were hurt?”

  “Yes, yes… it was my fault!” Mackenna sobbed.

  “Well, you’re wrong! Dammit, the accident was not your fault—you’ve just got to accept that. You’ve also got to realize the aneurysm in Alice’s head was the complication that… ” Eve was suddenly overcome with emotion and waited a moment to compose herself. “That’s what ki—” Eve swallowed hard. “That’s why she… died,” she whispered as her voice caught again, filled with deep sadness for her own loss. She continued softly. “Nobody knew about it, honey. It was hidden and didn’t show up on any tests before or after the accident. It was just a goddamned fluke that it happened when it did. You were drunk because Alice hurt you—and goddamn it, she may have been my sister but what she did was wrong.” Eve shook her head to clear it of the memory.

  “I told her she was wrong, Mackenna… but Alice … well, that’s how Alice was—headstrong. Misguided. She was never sure what side of the fence she should be on and was never happy on whatever side she was on at any given moment. If she were alive today she’d probably be a relatively happy bisexual… maybe. It’s hard to tell if she was truly bisexual or just real uncomfortable in her own skin—in or out of the closet. Whatever, back then, there was barely a place for true blu
e lesbians like me—and like you—let alone someone who was frightened and confused. But don’t even get me started on the military and Alice’s misplaced loyalty to it. I never understood her almost fanatical devotion… For god’s sake, Mackenna, you cannot take blame you don’t deserve. It was Fate—meant to be.” How many times had she given herself the same talk, Eve wondered.

  “God,” she continued, “I miss Alice like you wouldn’t believe sometimes—like there’s a hole in me I can’t fill—but no matter how you look at it, you cannot fight Fate.” Eve’s voice gained strength as she shared her resolve with Mackenna. “Fate has its own reasons for why things happen and you just have to accept them and move on. You’ve got to try and make the best of even the most terrible things in life because… because if you don’t, life’s just going to get harder. And it’ll tear you to pieces.”

  Mackenna was caught in a state of disbelief and shook her head with insistence, “But Dot told me the aneurysm was caused by the accident—why, Eve? Why would Dot lie to me? She wouldn’t lie to me… would she?”

  Eve thought for a moment, losing herself in that horrible time, a time where she found herself sitting at Alice’s hospital bed, talking to her about Em and her impending visit. Despite complaining of a dull, but nagging headache that morning, Alice was excited and looking forward to telling Em the good news—that she didn’t care what happened to her career, that Em was more important to her. Eve remembered she was holding Alice’s hand as she spoke of the life they would have back in California, while Dot was off arranging the details.

  Eve brushed away a tear as the memory of it all came rushing back—that horrible moment when Alice, mid-laugh, suddenly screamed a blood-curdling shriek and died almost immediately, still holding Eve’s hand. It was so fast. She could barely remember talking to Dot—the seemingly hard-boiled Colonel who cried like a baby in Eve’s arms when Eve told her the terrible news. But she distinctly remembered how upset Dot was over having to tell Em about Alice’s death. Eve made Dot promise she would make Em understand it wasn’t her fault—that Alice’s death was from what appeared to be a genetic defect and not as a result of the accident. No, she decided, Dot wouldn’t lie about it—Eve was sure of it.

  She wiped the tears from her face and attempted to answer Mackenna’s doubts. “I don’t think she lied to you,” she began delicately. “As a matter-of-fact, I know she didn’t, Mackenna. We knew you blamed yourself right from the very beginning, so when she told you… I don’t know… maybe you heard what you believed to be true rather than what was. I can’t say for sure, but Dot knew the truth just as sure as I’m sitting right in front of you, and it almost killed her to have to go back in and tell you about Alice. She was wrecked because she really cared about you two, you know. I just know she wouldn’t lie to you.

  “The truth is,” Eve said slowly, her voice low and filled with sadness, “I blame myself. I do. I should have told you myself, but… what can I say? My mom and I were just as shocked and grief-stricken as a family could be. I mean, for a while, right after the accident, we got about as used to the idea we were going to lose her as you can without completely losing your mind; and then, she took this amazing turn for the better and just like that, came out of the coma. We were literally celebrating every moment after that because we knew—all of us, even Alice—we knew we were given a second chance. And then, right when we thought we were out of harm’s way and everything was going to work out… she had a massive brain hemorrhage. Bam. Just like that… and she was gone. I was holding her hand when…” Eve’s voice caught. “We were less prepared then than we were right after the accident.” She sighed heavily.

  “I had my hands full with Mom, ’cause of my dad—you know he died in a car wreck when I was little, before Alice was even born—and, well, it was just too close for Mom. And to tell you the truth, I was absolutely devastated. Alice meant everything to me—we were so close… practically twins. I went through a terrible few years after that and, well…” Eve’s voice faded, followed by a long pause. “Anyway, I guess we… I… dropped the ball on you, leaving everything up to Dot and all, and… I’m so sorry. I had no idea all these years you were blaming yourself. I certainly don’t blame you for what happened. I know Mom doesn’t—and Alice certainly didn’t. Look, if anyone or anything’s to blame for the circumstances surrounding the accident, well, I guess I’d be inclined to blame our near-sighted society—especially the homophobic military.

  “Maybe even Alice a little for being closeted—a coward of sorts. I hate to say that about my own sister, but… But really, Mackenna, by making the choice to take you home that night and even going so far as to tell Hank about you two—she did, she told me she confided in him that night in the car, but he probably died before he could tell anyone. Anyway, Alice was trying to make up for being such a frightened closet case.

  “I guess I’m just at a loss right now. I mean, it’s almost too much to comprehend… the pain and guilt you’ve been carrying around all this time. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I never went and talked to you myself, but… I thought you knew and…” Eve whispered, “I’m sorry.”

  They remained locked together, Mackenna embraced by Eve—rocking gently, soothing away the pain together, in harmony with the rhythmic listing of the yacht.

  Mackenna was having a difficult time processing everything Eve was telling her, from Eve’s feelings for her to the shocking discovery of Alice’s true cause of death. And what about Camille and Deirdre? How could she ever explain to them? It was almost too much for her to comprehend—especially as she was being comforted and so warmly embraced by a woman who had bravely risked her own life to save Mackenna from certain death. It was simply overwhelming.

  She remembered, painfully, the times she and Eve had met in the past through business or mutual friends and acquaintances, and how, overcome with erroneous feelings of guilt, she always steered clear of Eve or pushed her away. She was almost grateful to the earthquake and all the other tragic circumstances in her life that propelled the two of them together into this intimate exchange, holding onto one another as if the world were about to end. Almost instantly she was filled with warmth and gratitude.

  “Thank you,” she whispered, then gently pulled herself away from Eve.

  “Hmm?” Eve answered dreamily, from an almost meditative state.

  Mackenna tentatively took Eve’s hands in her own; and though embarrassed and feeling somewhat humiliated, she spoke softly with tender sincerity. “Thank you for saving my life, Eve. I don’t really understand everything that’s happened here today, but I know if it weren’t for you… I’d be dead right now. I’m also, um, incredibly sorry for jeopardizing your life, because…”

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” Eve interrupted.

  “I’m not, Eve. I just want you to know how much I appreciate what you’ve done for me, and… I…”

  “Mackenna, don’t you know I’d do anything for you?”

  “Eve…” Mackenna began to protest softly but her protest was swiftly vetoed by an impassioned Eve.

  “Don’t you understand that that’s why I’m here?”

  Mackenna gave Eve a quizzical look.

  “It’s true. I realized in New York that nothing in my life was important without you in it, Mackenna. My career isn’t important, my life isn’t important, nothing… nothing else matters. You know, at first I wasn’t sure—I mean, I knew I loved you, but until I walked out on the film, I didn’t realize just how much you meant to me. That was my defining moment, because having a decent part in the movie didn’t matter to me anymore—and it should. It used to mean everything to me. But all that mattered—matters—to me is you.

  “And please believe me when I tell you, I don’t expect you to feel the same way. It’s just real important for me to tell you what you mean to me. I’ve never felt this way about anyone in my life—never—and I wasn’t about to sit around and lose you before letting you know I’m here, and that I want to be with you forever. And I’
ll risk life, limb and career anytime, anywhere—for you. I will. And… if I have to wait the rest of my life for you to love me too, well, I’ll do it. I just hope to god you don’t take too long. But you know what? It doesn’t even matter how long it takes, Mackenna, because I’ll wait. I swear to god, I’ll wait.”

  Mackenna released the breath she’d been holding throughout Eve’s heartfelt declaration of love, and could only stare at Eve’s hands, still in her own. She could not look directly at her. She was speechless. She knew Eve was waiting for a response from her, but she couldn’t speak; though if she didn’t do something, she was sure her heart would pound right out of her chest. The room was so filled with tension and electricity she was becoming lightheaded and thought she might actually pass out. Instead, after a long, excruciating pause, she slowly lifted her gaze to Eve’s wide, hope-filled sable eyes, and carefully examined her face for what seemed like the first time.

  Mackenna absorbed every detail, every line and every tiny freckle on Eve’s sweet face, but try as she might, Mackenna could no longer find a single trace of Alice there. Everything there was all Eve—not a minute detail belonged to Alice—and Mackenna bathed in the discovery. In that moment, everything suddenly seemed lighter; the heaviness that had filled her heart for so many years and weighed her whole being down since her parents’ deaths was nearly gone. She saw Eve for herself for the first time since Alice’s death, and what she saw made her body sing and her heart dance. The way she felt at that precise moment, she could almost believe she actually died in the ocean, and Eve brought her back—cleansed and whole again. Mackenna immediately felt reincarnated to the woman she was before Alice broke her heart—not once, but twice.

  She felt exhilarated, instantly full of vigor. Yes, Eve really had to love her. With barely a thought she blithely tossed her career, rushed all the way from New York, braved a wicked, dangerous storm and risked her life for her. It was amazing. Eve risked everything—for her! The reality of Eve’s selfless acts was nearly incomprehensible, leaving Mackenna with the burning question of her own feelings for Eve. But she did not need to leave it in the fire for very long at all, because the answer was yes—a resounding yes, she, too, was in love. Yes, she did love Eve. For how long, she didn’t know, but it wasn’t important how long—but how much. More than enough, Mackenna realized. Much more than enough. A timid smile crept across Mackenna’s lips, and slowly, subtly, spread to her whole face, and it seemed to Eve, her whole body.