The Infinite when it was Two Digits Old

by Allen Fleishman

  David didn’t protest, Martin took this as tacit agreement that his son realized that he was being stupid. Martin didn’t even mention the McNair incident, except for sending David a copy of the audio/video clip that Hilda had produced.

  ***

  David took off from his classes. Although he woke at 6 AM he stayed in bed until 10. He changed into a pair of running shorts and sweatshirt and went to the main track. David spent the next three hours running around the track with Hilda setting the pace. David tried to run next to a few girls, but they ignored him. When David tried his pick-up lines, they either picked up their pace or stopped, turned their back on him, and walked off the track. Although the women looked at his sweatshirt, they smiled but never said anything to him. Today’s sweatshirt said, ‘Kiss me, I’m a genius’. The pick-up lines he used kinda worked in the movies.

  After the track, David went to cafeteria with Hilda. After getting his lunch, reheated pizza and a grey burger with limp fries, he passed some freshmen guys he knew from psychology. It was painfully obvious that they were smirking and whispering to one another. David kept walking. He also passed some women from his English class. On noticing him, one rolled her eyes and said something to the second, they both giggled. It was painfully obvious from their body language that they didn’t want him to join them. David kept walking. He finally found an empty corner table and sat facing the blank wall. This way, he wouldn’t have to face people as they walked by laughing at him. Hilda walked up to him and rested her head on his lap. While eating David absent-mindedly let his hand dangle to his side, David felt a head push under it. Looking down he saw Hilda’s brown eyes staring at him.

  David: Hilda, not now. I’m not in the mood.

  Hilda: I agree. No talking.

  Hilda continued to push her head under his hand, petting herself every time his hand left the table. David continued to pet Hilda.

  That evening David felt the strain in his legs and thighs. He had run too much. He turned off the lights, and lay down on his bed. He listened to some Muddy Water’s blues and then put the Perfect Circle’s The Noose on continuous replay. After a while, he started to cry. It didn’t help that he was being smothered by Hilda’s body and the slobber of her occasional licks on his face. His hand found itself scratching Hilda’s belly.

  The second day he spent the day in bed, running CompuHead Industry, playing some ComHead role-playing scenarios, and devising a new algorithm to do a generalized inverse of large matrices via Cholesky decompositions. He applied it to a Three Mode Tucker-Messick factor analysis of Charlie, modeling his personality over time, situations and people. He was able to retrospectively predict 56% of his behaviors.

  Going to school wasn’t working. It was a stupid idea. Maybe spending the rest of his life in his room would be better. David gave the Tucker-Messick problem to his slave computer and started working on a 100% life-like, real-time animation. He would link it to his chatterbots. If no girl would talk to him, he’d still have someone to talk to. He didn’t need them.

  ***

  It was near the end of Professor Schwartzman’s computer science class on the use of AutoCAD programs, programs used to design three-dimensional objects on the computer. “I have a new assignment. In this one, I’ll have you work in teams of two. I want you to use AutoCAD to construct a three-dimensional representation of a castle. I’ll be grading on aesthetics and completeness.” The class quickly dissolved into pairs. David was lounging in his chair, multiprocessing on designing a new interface for his robot assembly line. After a few minutes, Schwartzman woke David from his reverie by saying, “David and Andrea why don’t you work together?” David noticed a frown on Andrea’s face, as she approached.

  She looked at his empty desk, then with an icy voice she asked, “Do you know anything about computers?”

  David thought, ‘Don’t ask about sex. Don’t be intimate. Don’t show off. Like ice, I’m cool. Don’t ask about sex. Don’t be intimate. Don’t show off.’

  David looked up and after a moment’s pause said, “Slightly better than my knowledge of ancient Greek.”

  After a painful sigh, Andrea said in an annoyed voice, “Oh great, just what I need. Let’s meet tomorrow night in the CS lab and bring some ideas.” They quickly agreed to meet at 7 PM the next night.

  David noticed her lips were compressed 60% over normal, incipient frown – 12% declination of mouth corner, and that sigh. ‘Oh-my-god, she’s still angry. I better bring a really good idea.’

  ***

  “It sucked, you being stuck with David.” Andrea’s roommate Kathy was sitting at her desk as she looked at Andrea.

  Kathy continued, “Yeah, he’s really fucked up. I was in his English class. It was my first class, I got to the class and this David guy, he comes bounding into the class with that dog following him. He came straight at me and said, ‘Hi, I’m David Smith.’ He then shook my hand. Then he walked around the fucking table and came up to everyone, including Professor Doyle and introduced himself the same way. ‘Hi, I’m David Smith.’ I thought I was going to die from embarrassment right then and there.”

  Jess, the other roommate interrupted, “I was there in Gibson’s History class when David called that old fart Gibson stupid. Now some of the boys are playing a game with David. Every time a teacher makes a mistake, David touches his nose. They all laugh. Especially that time when David almost shoved his entire fist into his nose. I’m also in David’s PE class. We were all learning volleyball, you know. I get the feeling that he’s undressing me all the time. You know. But it’s really strange, he never looks at anyone. Not me, not even the ball. It’s almost as if he’s blind. In fact, when he misses, I get the feeling he’s doing it fucking deliberately. He even says in a fake voice, ‘Hey, it looks like I missed.’ And he is constantly putting his hands on my shoulder and things. Touching me and stuff. He’s always coming too close to me. I’ve told him twice not to touch me. He’s creepy. Andrea, you really lucked out being stuck with him. Just make sure he doesn’t touch you, Ugggh. There’s something really sick about him. Creepy and really odd.”

  Andrea and her roommates nodded. Andrea told them the story of her first day in Schwartzman’s class.

  ***

  David heard Andrea walking down the stairs into the basement of the computer science building. He heard her hesitate then pick up her pace as she approached the computer laboratory. At the doorway, he saw that she was wearing a different dress than yesterday. Her mouth, if anything, had a greater frown. She looked at the cubicle he was sitting at and the computer screen, which was still displaying the college homepage. She pursed her lips and exhaled through her nose.

  “Did you bring any ideas?” she asked impatiently.

  “Just one.” David quickly moved his seat in front of the keyboard and logged in. His fingers flew so fast it looked like he pressed down both hands in one motion. He called up a special program he had written and pulled in a file entitled a ‘butcher-block castle’. He loaded it. It looked like a picture of a castle. There were no wire frames like the other Auto-cad programs.

  “Okay, nice. I brought these two pictures myself.” She put her pictures of the Leeds castle and Buckingham palace down on the table. As she talked, he zoomed in on one figure. A small man with brown pants, a wrinkled shirt, a beret and a walking stick moved. The man lifted the stick toward the screen and used it to wave. He was three-dimensional.

  “How did you do that?” she whispered. David noticed her irises dilate.

  David then moved the joystick up and around. He demonstrated that it wasn’t a photograph at all, but a full three-dimensional castle. He centered the view on a rotund woman with white hair, a plaid dress and glasses. Next to her was a man wearing something like a monocle. They were standing on the rear wall of the castle. The monocle wearing man bowed and the woman curtsied in greeting. A herd of cows slowly moved ar
ound the castle grounds. A calf ran and brayed silently to its mother. There was a car inside the yard, a zoom showed a VW Bug; a European license number was soon apparent. As David moved 180 degrees around the car, a large pair of fuzzy dice was seen dangling from the rear view mirror. He moved around the castle, some of the patches of grass were longer than other patches, with a few bald patches where the inner courtyard had doors. There were even a few flowerpots, containing geraniums. He then demonstrated the interior of the castle. It wasn’t a photograph but a drawing, a three dimensional drawing.

  David thought it was a wonderful job. He was very proud of it. Andrea’s eyelids opened 35% larger. David smiled, ‘she likes it, she likes it.’

  Andrea’s jaw dropped. She said in a low voice, “You arrogant bastard, I thought you said you knew nothing about computers.”

  ‘She hates it, she hates it,’ he thought. He said, “I, I never said that.”

  Andrea said, “Mr. Smith, you said you knew nothing about computers, I heard you say slightly better than ancient Greek.”

  David regained his composure and grinned as he said, “ΜΗΝΙΝ ΑΕΙΔΕ ΘΕΑ ΠΗΛΙΑΔΕΩ ΑΧΙΛΛΗΟΣ, ΟΥΛΟΜΕΝΗΝ Ή ΜΥΡΙΑ ΑΧΑΙΟΙΣ ΑΛΓΕ’ ΕΘΗΚΕ”

  “Has anyone ever told you that you’re a prick? A real jerk!” She paused, “Well, I think we can use your stuff as a first draft, but the design has some obvious flaws, the sky is all wrong and the walls are quite asymmetrical. And why did you ever put those modern figures in? A car? There were no medieval cars.”

  David thought, ‘But, but that’s exactly what it looks like. The stupid girl doesn’t know anything. Stupid, stupid.’

  “Well,” said David, “it’s was a castle then and it’s a castle now. That guy is the current owner. A castle is a building built from stone in medieval times. Castles exist in the present, like the guy.”

  “Okay, Mr. Smith. But this is a group project, not you grandstanding.”

  “I wasn’t doing any such thing. You asked me to bring an idea.” David thought, ‘it was a great job. I even included that tree from the courtyard, with every one of its branches. Why is this woman angry with me? What did I do wrong? Should I have made it better?’

  She finally said, “Well we can change this all around and keep a few things.”

  He pushed his chair back, “It’s not that bad. What’s wrong with it as it is?”

  “Plenty!” she said. “The sky is blank; why not add some clouds. And the people, they look stupid. The back half doesn’t match the front half, the drawbridge doesn’t even look like it could work. We’ll need to redesign it totally.”

  David thought, ‘But they built it in stages, in over two centuries. Of course the different parts of it don’t match. This won’t work, it will never work. I’m a doo-doo head forever, and she’s worse. I can’t take this anymore. I have to leave.’ David stood and said, “Maybe we shouldn’t be working together. This was a bad idea from the start. I did what you said and now you’re getting angry with me. The castle is really good and you’re ruining everything.”

  David turned to log out, when he felt her strong hand on his arm.

  Andrea said in a more positive tone, “Hold on. How about making a few changes then?”

  Although the tone of her voice changed, David thought, ‘I need to get out of here.’ “I’ll tell you what, Miss doo-doo head, why don’t you find yourself another partner.” David turned again to shut the computer off.

  Her hand pulled his away, “No, you don’t buster! We were told to work together by Prof Schwartzman himself. We need to do this together. I have an idea, you seem to be good with the computer, why don’t you do half and I’ll do half? Like we’re working as a 50-50 team?”

  Hilda: Daffid! Martin said you ver do-ing too gud a job in your clahsses. Please don’t leave. Let her mess the work up a bit. It vill be bet-ter in the long run. In fact, let her the whole thing do.

  Martin: David, I agree. It really is excellent, in fact, far too good. Far too good. You shouldn’t have written your own CAD program. Sit down and let her water the job down. You need to make this average, not beyond exceptional. How many times do I need repeat myself?

  David looked at Hilda, then at Andrea, and grudging said “Okay. 50-50, you do the rear half”. Over the next hour, the entire rear half of the castle became Andrea’s domain, the curtsying old woman and the monocle wearing man disappeared.

  David thought, ‘Don’t talk about sex. Don’t get intimate. Don’t show off. Control your reactions.’ David kept quiet and implemented the changes.

  David felt Andrea’s hair on his cheek, as she bent over from behind him. He realized he was smelling her scented shampoo or was it perfume. It was a woodsy violet and herbs scent. He could also smell her personal scent. On a number of times, he noticed her breasts, her large, round, succulent breasts, brush against his shoulder. Although he couldn’t see it, he felt her nipple touching his shoulder. He glanced down and noticed her cleavage. He also saw that she was looking at his eyes. She had an odd smile. She wasn’t happy, or looking adoringly at him. It was almost as if she were gloating. He didn’t understand. David felt his face flush. He faced the monitor again and forced his mind to think only about the work. He continued to feel her hair, smell her scent, and something kept pressing against his shoulder and arm. ‘Why did they make this room so hot?’

  The shape of the rear castle walls mirrored the shape of the front walls. The textures of the walls were changed. She placed suits of armor strategically around the base of the rear walls.

  At around 10 PM the computer science lab assistant told everyone that the lab would be closing for the night.

  “I think we’re almost done, Mr. Smith. Why don’t we save it as the Londonderry Castle?”

  “I actually like the name Butcher-Block Castle.”

  “Well, I don’t, I insist we call it the Londonderry Castle!” Andrea voice grew louder.

  “Okay, okay, I’ll send it in,” David said angrily.

  ***

  Professor Schwartzman called up the different presentations. Most of the AutoCAD creations looked like art done on a beach by 10-year olds. ‘But’, mused Schwartzman, ‘it is their very first attempt at computer art.’ A couple actually had exterior walls with crenellations. Then he said, “The next presentation is by David and Andrea. It’s called ‘Butcher-Block Castle’.”

  On hearing him announce Butcher-Block, Maurice noticed that Andrea stared furiously at David. Schwartzman loaded the presentation. There were oohs and ahhs from the students. He moved the joystick around and stared at the walls. He saw the (now) single figure of the little man with the cane waving. He zoomed in and looked at the little man; he saw the handlebar mustache under the beret. The man had a wrinkled shirt. The professor then moved around the VW Bug. He moved around to the back of the castle, then the front looking at the shields flanking the outer doors.

  “Butcher-Block” he muttered. He turned off the external monitor and typed some commands into his computer, Gertrude. He was typing for about a minute in complete silence when he started laughing, not merely laughing, but sidesplitting uncontrollable laughing. He started to gasp for air, and then resumed laughing. After another few moments, he brought himself under control, wiping the tears from his eyes. “Sorry, I had never realized it. Who thought of the name?”

  David said, “Andrea was very insistent that we use her name.”

  Andrea started to stand, her mouth agape, when the professor stopped. “That’s the greatest joke I ever heard, the greatest. I’m sorry; I should explain what this inside joke is to the rest of the class. I lived near the Slager-von Brett Castle. My mother and I even worked there three years, while I was in the equivalent of your middle school. I helped with conferences that Herr Snitzler ran. He’s the guy in the front.” The professor zoomed in on the waving man, who waved to the class.
Prof Schwartzman continued, “A remarkable likeness. … The castle was named by the Prince von Brett for his new foreign wife. I knew the word Brett was German for a wooden board, but I had no idea why Miss Adriano called it the Butcher Block Castle, so I went to a language translation program. I finally hit on Dutch. Slager is the Dutch word for Meat Monger, a butcher. Butcher-Block castle - this was priceless. The front of the castle is an exact, and I mean exact representation of the Slager-von Brett Castle. Well done Ms. Adriano and Mr. Smith, well done. Would you mind, if I sent a copy to my mother? She still works there?”

  David shrugged his shoulders and turned to Andrea. He had that crooked little smile. With a frown on her face, Andrea said, “Sure Professor Schwartzman.”

  “That was simply marvelous, really marvelous. You two must have spent every waking moment to get that detail. It’s better than 95% of animators at Disney. And Herr Snitzler is a living image of him, I didn’t know you could get animation out of that program. Really exceptional: A++.” Tears of laughter were still lining the professor’s face.

  David was looking at Andrea’s frown and clenched body. His puzzled expression turned into a frown also.

  ***

  After the class was over, Andrea was waiting for David and Hilda as they exited the building. She noticed he had a distant look on his face. Andrea stopped him. “Why didn’t you tell me it was the Slunge-van Bread Castle?”

  “The Slager-von Brett? You never asked.” He had that crooked, infuriating smile.

  “It would have changed everything. The professor lived near there. How did you know?”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you anything I knew. You didn’t seem interested in my ideas. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

  He had a lost puppy-dog look. Andrea just turned around and walked away. She thought, ‘Perhaps I was too hard on that puppy. He really did almost everything I asked. Perhaps I should have talked to him more.’