Dear Diary...

by L. M. Reed

  Part of me knew it couldn’t be that easy, getting out of the house without Nick. I wasn’t even surprised when the dark figure rose from the couch.

  “The mystery of the missing water bottle solved,” I whispered.

  “Not surprised to see me?” he asked. “I could tell you were trying your hardest not to wake me up…how considerate.”

  “In case you can’t see in the dark, this is me rolling my eyes at you,” I said and took off running.

  As usual, he stayed with me the whole time, running silently beside me, letting me set the pace. He was actually a very good running companion…it was the only time I felt completely relaxed with him. Of course, that was probably due more to the fact that we didn’t try to talk than anything else.

  Back at the house, I insisted that he shower first again, saying that I needed to drink more water.

  As soon as I heard the shower start, I picked up the phone and called Michael. He’d been bugging me all week about making it to Bible class on Sunday mornings, and I was about to take him up on the offer of a lift. He was excited and told me to be ready by nine o’clock.

  That gave me about two hours…plenty of time.

  I pulled out my trusty box of raisin bran and had a bowl of cereal. Cleaning up after myself, I noticed the note I had written the night before still on the fridge. I threw it away and replaced it with a new note letting Mom know I had already eaten breakfast. The shower stopped, and I headed upstairs to get ready.

  Standing in front of my closet after my shower, I examined the contents. I only had a couple of outfits suitable for church. Mom was going to force a shopping trip on me soon…I could feel it.

  After Nick’s revelation the day before, I knew it was unavoidable, but maybe it was a good thing. I hadn’t paid much attention to my appearance over the years because I didn’t think I had much to work with, but apparently I’d been wrong.

  I would never look like Felicia, but maybe in my own way, I could be attractive, too. Mom’s dress sense was undeniable, and I had confidence that she would know what to do with me.

  Uncharacteristically, I suddenly found the idea intriguing.

  I donned a sleeveless white fitted blouse, my usual fare, and short black straight skirt—they were both somewhat snug, I just hadn’t realized it before—and surveyed myself in the mirror. I was a bit curvier than I remembered but, not having spent much time examining my reflection, hadn’t noticed.

  I was almost fully dressed and ready to go when I heard a knock.

  “Come in,” I said distractedly, sitting on the edge of my bed and bending over to put on my shoes.

  The only dress shoes I had were the ones from the “date incident,” but at least they were well broken in.

  “Breakfast is ready,” Nick informed me.

  “Didn’t Mom get the note I left her?” I asked glancing up in confusion.

  “No, I threw it away before she saw it.”

  “It wasn’t intended for you,” I said crossly.

  “When did you eat breakfast?” he asked, ignoring my statement.

  “While you were in the shower,” I replied as nicely as I could. “I didn’t want anything heavy, so I had cereal.”

  I was determined to keep calm, not let him upset me. He was just so…so…I couldn’t even think of a word frustrating enough to describe him.

  “Your mother takes great pleasure in feeding people,” Nick remonstrated, “Don’t take that away from her.”

  I knew he was right, and I didn’t want to be upset when Michael picked me up, so I gave in…not gracefully, but still, I didn’t argue.

  “Fine, I’ll come down and have a piece of toast.”

  I tried to step around him.

  Closing his fingers around my elbow, he turned me towards him. “Where’s your bracelet?”

  “In my jewelry box,” I answered irritably, “where I keep it.”

  “Put it on.”

  I glared at him defiantly…I couldn’t help it.

  Keeping his hold on my elbow, he hauled me over to the dresser and opened my jewelry box. The bracelet he had given me was lying on top. He raised his eyebrows at that, but didn’t say anything. Since I never wore jewelry, as far as he knew it could very well be on top simply because it was the last piece I’d acquired.

  “There,” he commented as he fastened the bracelet around my left wrist, “that’s much better.”

  I usually wore it on my right wrist, since my watch normally occupied my left, but I hadn’t had time to put my watch on yet. I could do without it for one morning.

  Although I didn’t want to admit it, I wanted to wear the bracelet. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it voluntarily with Nick watching.

  Standing there so close to Nick, his hands holding my wrist, I suddenly had to fight a strong urge to put my hands on the sides of his face as I had Michael last night, and…I flinched, shying away from the rest of my thought. I turned toward the door, and Nick dropped my wrist, following me downstairs where Mom and Mark were already eating breakfast.

  “We waited for you like one pig waits for another,” Mark joked, his mouth partially full.

  “Oink, oink,” I returned lightly. “Oh wait! Maybe I have the wrong animal. Let’s ask the resident expert,” turning to Nick, I raised my eyebrows in mock interest.

  “CeeCee,” Mom looked at me in surprise, “You’re already dressed and ready to go.”

  “Sorry, I forgot to tell you,” I pulled out a chair avoiding all eyes “Michael is coming to pick me up in about forty-five minutes. He asked me to go to class with him, and I told him I would.”

  “I wish I’d known you wanted to go,” Mom said a little reproachfully. “I would like to go to class again. It was too hard to get James there that early so we usually only made it to worship service.”

  She sighed.

  “There’s no reason why we can’t be ready to go in plenty of time, Allison,” Nick assured her.

  “Wonderful,” she smiled at him gratefully. “Come sit, both of you, and eat.”

  I ate a piece of toast, just as I had promised, downed a fairly large glass of orange juice to help force the toast down, and then excused myself to brush my teeth.

  I would have taken off the bracelet while I was upstairs, but I did want to wear it, and Nick had given me the excuse I needed.

  After a cursory check in the mirror to make sure I looked okay, I decided to wait for Michael in the living room. I certainly didn’t want Nick answering the door.

  When I got downstairs, the others were already in their rooms changing for church. I stared blankly out the front window, not seeing anything, my mind having trouble focusing.

  I nearly jumped out of my skin when two hands began gently massaging my upper arms. Thinking it must be Mark, I leaned back, relaxing against him, and closed my eyes.

  “Break it to him gently,” Nick whispered in my ear.

  I stiffened and jerked away, turning to face him in the same movement.

  “You…Mark…I…” I stammered.

  “There he is,” Nick nodded towards the window. “Remember to be kind.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I denied indignantly.

  Not for the world would I let him know he was right about what I planned to do.

  “He’s infatuated with you,” Nick’s sober words followed me as I practically ran to the front door.

  Michael was halfway out of the car by the time I got to him. I could see he wanted a repeat performance, but I faked oblivion, and got in. I wished I were still oblivious, witnessing other people’s pain was not something I enjoyed.

  Clueless about how to do what I had to do, I wondered whether I should wait until after church. How would he take it? Nick thought he was infatuated with me. Could that be possible? Would it hurt him even more than I suspected?

  “What?” I asked absently.

 
Michael had been talking, but I’d only caught the tail end, lost in my own thoughts.

  “I asked if you wanted to go out for lunch after church,” Michael patiently repeated himself.

  “Michael,” I began tentatively, “We need to talk.”

  “Nothing good ever follows those four words,” Michael joked.

  “Michael…”

  I hadn’t a clue how to begin.

  “CeeCee…?”

  It suddenly dawned on him that something was wrong.

  “I can’t see you anymore,” I blurted out.

  Good CeeCee, I thought angrily to myself, could you be any more clichéd and melodramatic.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I just want us to be friends, not...dating or anything,” I tried to clarify my previous statement.

  “But last night…you…we…”

  Michael, face frozen in shock, had obviously been expecting a very different conversation.

  “Maybe you should pull over while we talk,” I suggested, pointing to a deserted parking lot.

  Pulling into the lot, Michael stopped and put the car in park. He sat there, staring out the windshield, dazed.

  “Michael, I’m sorry…”

  “Why?”

  “Because I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “No, why are you breaking up with me?” he asked dully.

  “We weren’t actually going together.”

  “We were together almost every day this last week, and you kissed me last night,” he reminded me.

  “I know, and I’m sorry,” I apologized, miserable.

  “I just want to know why.”

  “I need to concentrate on cross-country and I don’t have time for anything else.”

  My pathetic excuse sounded lame, even to me.

  “I haven’t interfered with your running schedule, and I don’t mind dating whenever you’re available,” he offered turning to me eagerly, hope in his eyes.

  “It wouldn’t work.”

  “Why not? I’ve never felt about anyone else the way I feel about you, CeeCee,” Michael pleaded. “Please just give us a chance. It’ll work, we’ll make it work.”

  “I can’t, Michael.”

  “Just tell me what to do, what to change, and I’ll do it.”

  “Michael…”

  “I don’t want to lose you.”

  “Michael…”

  “What we felt last night was so incredible…”

  “I’m in love with someone else.”

  I hadn’t meant to say it—wasn’t even thinking it—but somehow it had just slipped out.

  “You’re what?” Michael stared at me incredulously. “How can you be in love with someone else? You kissed me.”

  “I know, and I’m sorry, if I could take it back I would,” I mumbled, miserably close to tears. “I thought maybe I could forget him, that kissing you might…”

  I couldn’t finish. Nick was right; I was messing up other people’s lives. Tears began to roll down my cheeks.

  “I’m so sorry, Michael,” I whispered. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

  Michael put his fingers under my chin and lifted my face so he could look into my eyes.

  “Is it someone I know?”

  “I can’t talk about it.”

  “He doesn’t know, does he?”

  “No,” I admitted.

  “We’re quite a pair, aren’t we,” he looked at me ruefully.

  “Michael, I know it’s no excuse, but I’ve only had one other date, and I’m not very good at this type of thing. I’m just so stupid.”

  “Ah, the ‘broken nose’ episode,” Michael smiled slightly.

  “You heard about that?”

  “Craig was a jerk,” Michael said. “I never believed his story.”

  “Really…?”

  “Really,” Michael assured me, “and I certainly don’t believe it now that I’ve gotten to know you.”

  “That’s very generous of you considering the way I’m treating you.”

  Michael took my hands in both of his and smiled into my eyes.

  “I admit I was angry a few minutes ago, but that was from disappointment. I can see I assumed too much. I’m the one who should apologize. I went a little overboard.”

  “You’re so nice, and I am so very sorry.”

  “No more apologies,” Michael admonished me. “I think we should get to church,” he added looking at the clock on the dashboard.

  “Oh no, we missed class and you wanted to go…”

  “That’s okay…we’ll get there for services.”

  When we arrived, Felicia and Allen were entering the building.

  “I’ll see you later,” I said as I opened my door, unsure what to do next.

  “You’re not getting away from me that easily,” Michael warned as he hopped out and walked around the car, laughing at my alarmed expression. “CeeCee, I like you and I enjoy being with you. If you don’t want to be friends I’ll understand, but I just want you to know, I’d miss you.”

  “I don’t deserve your friendship,” I told him hoarsely, the lump in my throat making it difficult to talk.

  “Yeah, I know,” he teased taking my arm and leading me towards the front doors of the church.

  Standing at the back of the auditorium, we managed to locate Felicia and Allen in the same pew as the previous Sunday. Lance was already next to Felicia.

  Starting down the aisle just ahead of me, Michael didn’t notice that I had been detained. The hand gripping my arm could only belong to one person. I sighed in resignation.

  “Where have you been?” Nick whispered furiously in my ear.

  “Michael and I had a stop to make,” I told him airily.

  “You chickened out, didn’t you?”

  “Butt out!”

  I twisted away from him as I said it.

  I needed to find a new phrase to use on him as he obviously didn’t understand the phrase ‘butt out’.

  Hurrying down the aisle, I scooted into the pew and sat next to Michael just in time. He’d noticed I wasn’t behind him and was about to come looking for me.

  Ignoring the question in his eyes, I greeted Felicia, Lance, and Allen, thinking that I would need to get Felicia alone to talk…and soon.

  I felt Mom slide in the pew next to me. Turning to smile at her, my smile disappeared as quickly as it had come.

  “Nick, what do you think you’re doing? That’s Mom’s seat.”

  He shrugged nonchalantly and replied quietly, “Explain your disappearing act, and I might be convinced to switch seats.”

  I huffed at him, and turned around to talk to Michael. Just my luck that Michael would pick that moment to ask me what time it was. I automatically looked at my wrist just as I remembered that I wasn’t wearing my watch.

  “Hey, you’re wearing your charm bracelet on your left wrist today,” he commented. “Is your watch broken?”

  Maybe Nick hadn’t heard, or maybe he wouldn’t realize the significance of the seemingly innocent statement. I could only hope.

  I heard Nick suck in a breath, then felt him shaking. Turning to him in alarm, I wondered what in the world was wrong with him, but my alarm soon turned to fury.

  He was laughing at me and trying hard to stifle it. Not only had he heard, but he knew exactly what it implied. I elbowed him in the ribs, but he didn’t respond.

  With a muffled “Excuse me,” he finally got up and left.

  “What’s with him,” Michael asked curiously.

  “Who knows?” I responded irritably. “Ignore him. I do.”

  “Interesting,” Michael said thoughtfully.

  He started to say more, but decided against it…thankfully.

  Mom sat down by me and Mark slid in after her. She patted me on the knee and I smiled at her.

  “Have you seen Nick?” Mark asked. “He left during class, and didn’t make it back.”


  “Yeah, we saw him,” I answered vaguely. “I’m sure he’s around here somewhere.”

  Nick showed up just as the service was beginning. He was under control. I was not.

  My dominant emotion was a toss up between anger and embarrassment, but both were borderline unbearable.

  Nick wasn’t stupid; if he bothered to put all the pieces together, he could easily figure out that Mark’s annoying little sister was madly in love with him. I’d given him plenty of clues.

  Life just keeps getting better and better, I thought sarcastically.

  Although I was ashamed to admit it, I had no idea what the sermon was about. My mind was a complete and total mess.

  Afterwards, Felicia leaned past Lance and Michael to whisper urgently in my ear, “Back me up”.

  I nodded slightly to let her know I understood.

  As we exited the auditorium, I could hear Allen pleading with Felicia about something, but she was adamant. Allen gave up and made his way over to me.

  “CeeCee, you wouldn’t mind if Felicia canceled on you today would you?”

  Although I could see the desperation in his face, and I felt for him, I had a feeling his days as Felicia’s boyfriend were numbered and there was nothing either of us could do about it.

  “I’m truly sorry Allen, but today is especially important to me.”

  I wasn’t lying. I needed Felicia. We hadn’t spent much time together and I missed her.

  Allen’s shoulders visibly slumped as he went to join Michael. Felicia came over to me, smiling gratefully.

  “You owe me big,” I murmured out the side of my mouth.

  “I know,” she whispered back. “We need to talk.”

  “Nothing good ever follows those four words,” I quoted Michael from earlier.

  Felicia gave me a strange look.

  “Will Michael mind if you ride with me? I told Allen to catch a ride with him.”

  “Michael is fine with whatever I want to do,” I assured her.

  “Wish I could say the same about Allen,” Felicia complained.

  “Are you coming over to eat lunch?” I asked her hopefully.

  “Actually, I was hoping to take you out for lunch,” she countered. “I don’t want to be in a group today,” a phrase I never expected to hear coming out of her mouth.

  “Fine with me, I’ll go check with Mom and make sure she’s okay with it.”

  Mom was still feeling badly about ruining my date the previous day, so she was more than happy for me to go. I found Mark already by the car in the parking lot and told him my plans, asking him what time he was leaving.

  “We’re planning to leave right after lunch to give us enough time to drop off the stuff in Lewisville. Guess I won’t see you again before I leave,” he hugged me tightly. “You behave yourself. I’m not sure when I’ll be back with classes starting next week, but it will be sometime in September. Call me.”

  “I will,” I promised. “Love you”.

  “Love you, too,” he echoed.

  I turned away from Mark and ran straight into Nick. His arms went around me, and mine crept up around his neck of their own volition.

  “No more experimenting on impressionable youths,” he warned softly.

  I suddenly had no voice. All I could do was shake my head. He released me and stepped back. I was going to miss them both terribly.

  Trying to hide my tears, I couldn’t look at either of them. Turning away, I sped across the parking lot to Felicia’s car. She took one look at my face and, without a word, started the engine.