Dear Diary...
Page 20
Chapter 17
Dear Diary,
I hate myself.
CeeCee
As soon as I heard Nick get into the shower, I headed downstairs. Grabbing a water bottle, I stuck the note I had written in plain sight on the door of the fridge where Mom would see it.
I made it out the front door without meeting anyone, and took off running. I didn’t want any company; there were too many things I needed to think about, and running always seemed to clear my mind.
After escaping from Nick, I’d changed into my running clothes and bided my time. I knew that Nick would want to shower as soon as Mark was out, and that Mark wouldn’t want to go run after cleaning up.
Personally, I was too upset to eat anything; I would eat later. The note was a courtesy to Mom who, I knew, would wait supper for me if she thought I was still upstairs.
I was able to think more clearly by the time I reached the jogging park.
Dealing with Michael was not going to be easy after what I had done to him. I had to be honest with him, well as honest as I could be without giving away too much. He would most likely be angry, and I deserved it. That stupid kiss probably had him thinking that we were a ‘thing’. I hoped his feelings weren’t as involved as mine were with Nick.
Nick…I could hardly bear to think about him.
Michael’s reaction to my kiss was like a carbon copy of my reaction to Nick’s kiss…an incredibly earth-shattering moment for me. I wanted the comparison to stop there, but I was fairly certain it didn’t.
When I kissed Michael it had been nice, but nothing to write home about. My fear was that Nick felt the same exact thing about kissing me. I understood, more clearly than before, that a kiss could mean nothing or everything, but not necessarily the same thing at the same time to the two people involved.
As nice as Michael was, he wasn’t right for me. I wanted Nick, but he was too old for me and only saw me as a pesky younger sister. I had to believe that there was someone out there waiting for me…I just had to find him.
Nick had unintentionally awakened me to the fact that I had all of the passions and desires of a normal…well…as much I wanted to say woman, the smirk that I knew would have appeared on Nick’s face at the term stopped me short, and I substituted female instead.
Because of him I had experienced, and apparently was still experiencing, the pain of a first crush—I refused to call it love, it was nothing more than an infatuation—as well as the awareness of the potential pleasure that could be mine in a true relationship.
I wanted that…wanted it so badly that it was like a constant ache inside of me…and I wouldn’t settle for anything less. Well…maybe I would settle for less of the pain part.
I sighed, that meant hurting Michael. My feelings for him were nothing like the turmoil Nick could stir in me just by hearing someone mention his name.
The older I got, the more complicated life became.
I yearned for the early days, the days when Dad was normal, and I hadn’t a care in the world. He would carry me on his shoulders and I was his little princess. If I got hurt or disappointed, he was always there to make everything better. There was no problem so great that he couldn’t fix it for me. I was protected and safe.
I missed Dad…missed my childhood.
Growing up was pure agony.
By the time I arrived back at the house, I knew what I had to do. Michael might not understand, but I had to make him see that we weren’t right for each other.
I would concentrate on the district cross-country meet in October, and forget about the male part of the species…at least temporarily. They were nothing but trouble. Maybe when I’d matured a little I would be ready for a relationship with the right guy. I hoped so.
I could hear everyone out in the kitchen, so I headed upstairs to take my shower. The cool water was exactly what I needed. Feeling almost human again, I made my way downstairs to join the others.
“You’re very lucky Mom is watching out for you,” Mark informed me as I refilled my water bottle and stuck it in the fridge.
“Okay, I’ll bite,” I returned playfully. “Why?”
“That last piece of chocolate meringue pie would be history by now if she hadn’t been guarding it for you.”
I’d forgotten about the pie.
“Thanks Mom,” I said gratefully. “I know how dangerous that must have been for you holding your own against these two hardened criminals.”
“I did have to get out my wooden spoon and splat their hands a few times,” Mom admitted, laughing. “I’ll pull out the sandwich stuff for you.”
“No, that’s okay,” I stopped her. “I’ll get what I need. Then…the pie.”
While I fixed my sandwich, I wondered what had gotten into Nick. He had been talking and laughing with the others before I came in, but he had fallen strangely silent.
Mom and Mark were discussing the schedule for the next day, but Nick only participated whenever they directed a specific question at him.
I risked a glance at him as I sat down at the table. He was watching me. Our eyes met…mine questioning, his searching. What was he looking for? Mentally shrugging, I tried to ignore him and do justice to my sandwich. I didn’t have the energy to decipher him.
“I’m going to bed early tonight,” I announced to no one in particular as I ate my pie. “I’m beat.”
I wasn’t enjoying it much, but I didn’t want Mom to know that after she’d worked so hard to save me the last piece.
I actively avoided Nick’s eyes—he saw too much—as I rinsed my plate and put it in the dishwasher. Grabbing a cold water bottle out of the fridge, I said goodnight to everyone and high-tailed it up to my room. I wasted no time getting ready for bed, wanting my lights out before anyone came upstairs.
No more confrontations for the night…I was done.
My alarm went off at 5:30 as usual, but I had turned down the volume before going to bed, not about to risk a repeat of the previous morning. Determined not to wake anyone, I took every precaution, trying to mute every sound.
After I finished stretching, I hurried down to the kitchen and set my empty water bottle on the counter by the sink. I would fill it later, when I could make more noise.
Reaching into the fridge for a cold one, I noticed I only had one left. Before bedtime when I had taken one out, I thought there had been two.
Okay, it was official…I was losing it. Nothing new there.