The Nectar of Pain
Page 11
caused me.
Thank you.
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Forgive them
not because they asked for your
forgiveness
or because they deserve it
or because the pain they caused you
is not worth it,
but because you cannot truly
move on
without forgiving.
It shows your level of maturity and
your ability to
understand that life is not always fair
and that someone’s behavior
speaks of them,
not you.
Your forgiveness speaks of you,
not them.
I thought that I needed your apology to
move on.
I really needed to forgive myself
first.
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When I no longer want to be
heard by you,
that is when you will
want to listen to what
I have to say.
It will be too late
then.
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I knew that my wanting for you
ended
when I saw you
for the first time
months later
and all I wanted to do
was vomit
nectar all over you,
to soak you,
drown you
and consume you.
I wanted to punch your face,
which I vaguely recalled,
with
kindness
and rip your heart
out of your ego and
put it back
where it belongs.
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My dear reader,
I see that your heart is
heavy and
that you are struggling to carry it
and find a home.
I want to tell you that
if you ever need my help,
I will help you carry it
through my words.
I will help you find a
home.
My heart is here to
help lift yours.
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My dear self,
I apologize.
For not putting you first. For
putting them first.
For making your worth dependant on how
they
saw
you.
For making their words more important than
yours. For not allowing myself to forgive you or
to forgive me.
Forgive me.
For believing them when they said that
something was wrong with you.
Forgive me for not believing in
you.
Forgive me for loving them more than
loving you.
Forgive me for
not loving you.
My heart cries every time I read this.
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Stay kind.
It makes you beautiful.
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Your kindness might cause you
to lose some people.
Stay kind, though.
If you lose them
because you are kind
and nice,
it’s their loss,
not yours.
If you don’t like my truth,
don’t try to put me down,
because I will not change myself
to please you.
Just as I respect you as you are,
respect me as I am.
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If your heart is kind,
your soul is golden.
Don’t ever change.
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In your little world,
you may be unwanted.
If you dare to look outside,
and I hope you do,
you will see that
there is a whole new world
right outside of
the cage that
you
are caging yourself
in
that loves your wings
and loves to see you
fly.
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Sad Rebellion
You walk hiding
half of yourself
and a little more than half.
You don’t tell them what
keeps you up at night,
nor do you tell them
what keeps you going.
You don’t tell them
the things you know
you need to say.
You don’t tell them what
scares you to death.
You don’t tell them
what hurts you,
nor do you tell them that you care.
And somehow
in that beautiful silence,
there is a strong but
sad rebellion
against allowing love
in.
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One day,
they will regret the time
they spent away from those
who love them
to stay with those
whose love they want.
If you believed in them so much,
imagine how much you can believe
in yourself.
It’s magical what belief can do.
So go ahead.
Start the magic.
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You know the kind of sadness that
makes you want to be
quiet?
That makes you want to be
alone?
Isolated?
Far, far away?
That makes you want to re-evaluate
everything in life?
That’s not sadness.
It’s an awakening within you.
Don’t ignore it.
Let it overtake you so you,
yes you,
may overtake it.
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Here is a hard truth
to accept:
You cannot make someone
love you.
Here is a harder truth
to accept:
The best decision that you
will ever make
is to stop wanting the love
of someone who
does not
love you.
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Sadly ever after
happens too,
when we find it so hard to
let go of what we invested
so
much
time
in.
I would rather let go of years
of investing in the wrong person
and be in pain
than continue to choose
sadness.
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You wonder why people always leave.
I will tell you why.
You always want to change yourself
into what they like because
you are so afraid that they
might not love you
for who you are.
You are afraid to say no
because you are afraid of
displeasing them.
You give them excuses because
that’s what good people do.
They walk away because they don’t
understand that it is out of love,
not weakness,
that you are like that.
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Life is not fair,
but
we can choose to be
fair humans
even if life
or other humans
choose to be
unfair
to us.
I told you this when
I asked you
> how you changed without
allowing me to grieve.
Your answer was:
“Life is unfair.”
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Let your soul flow through
these words
as you turn your pain
into nectar.
Never allow
someone’s sting to make you
bitter.
Keep your kindness
kind.
Keep your love
loving.
Keep your forgiveness
forgiving.
And keep your purity
pure.
Say:
If you are disrespectful with me,
I will move out of your way, but
I will not disrespect you.
I will not be unkind to you.
I will not mirror your actions.
Who are you to make me step down
to a level
where I don’t belong?
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If you write about love,
they might say that you’re in love.
And if you write about heartache,
they might say that you’re heartbroken.
If you write about happiness,
they might wonder why you’re so happy.
And if you write about sadness,
they might pretend like they didn’t hear it.
If you write about loss,
they might pity you.
And if you speak the truth,
they might criticize you.
So let it be that you’re in love.
Have they not been?
Let it be that you’ve been heartbroken.
Who is not?
Let it be that you’re happy or sad.
Is it not normal?
Let it be that you’ve lost.
We’ve all lost.
But don’t you ever let
what people think stop you from
expressing yourself.
Let your soul shine
through your words.
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I always know how to start but
never know how to end.
I am learning to let go of
what I cannot control.
I am learning to be okay with
stories that end
in the middle.
I am learning that there is no
right way
to end.
I said it before and I will say it
again,
there is a sadness attached to endings
that no beginning can erase.
Stories that mean
something
to us
never end when or how
we want them to.
But for new stories to begin,
old ones must end.
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If they love you,
they won’t change you.
If they love you,
they won’t break your wings.
They won’t cage you
or stop you from flying.
If they love you,
they will actually
love
you.
Love tastes of sweetness,
nectar,
and
respect.
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Someone,
somewhere,
is looking for the exact same love
that you have to offer.
The exact same love that
the one who hurt you did not appreciate.
Don’t lose hope.
And don’t settle.
The most beautiful love stories are those that
come after you realize what you deserve
and you actually finally get it.
You deserve someone who loves your
way of love.
Someone who loves you.
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Because you are a good heart
Here's the thing about people with good hearts. They give you excuses when you don't explain yourself. They accept apologies you don't give. They see the best in you when you don't need them to. At your worst, they lift you up, even if it means putting their priorities aside. The word "busy" does not exist in their dictionary. They make time, even when you don't. And you wonder why they're the most sensitive people. You wonder why they're the most caring people. You wonder why they are willing to give so much of themselves with no expectation in return. You wonder why their existence is not so essential to your well-being. It's because they don't make you work hard for the attention they give you. They accept the love they think they've earned, and you accept the love you think you're entitled to. Let me tell you something. Fear the day when a good heart gives up on you. Our skies don't become gray out of nowhere. Our sunshine does not allow the darkness to take over for no reason. A heart does not turn cold unless it's been treated with coldness for a while.
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To you, dear reader:
I hope that you found
yourself
in one of my pages.
I have stories within me that
novels
cannot contain.
I am afraid that I will
die
before I give birth to the words
in my soul
through my lips.
Thank you
for walking this
journey
with my soul.
I sincerely hope that
you now have the courage
to climb over
the mountains
in your way.
Love,
Najwa
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Table of Contents
Copyright Page
Dedication Page
CONTENTS
The Nectar of Pain