The Hitwoman and the Exorcism

by J. B. Lynn

  Patrick chuckled. “You could say that about three quarters of the people that work in law enforcement. Most don’t have the commitment to actually follow through.”

  “You do,” I felt compelled to point out.

  “Yeah, but it’s a juggling act,” he said. “A dangerous one.”

  “You don’t think what I have been doing is dangerous?”

  “Of course I do. But this is a different kind of danger.”

  I knew he was right. “DeeDee, come,” I called, since she was wandering too far away for my comfort.

  She loped towards us, an innocent grin baring her teeth.

  “If you see or hear from any of Concord’s people, send me a text,” Patrick said.

  He reached into his pocket and pulled out a cheap cellphone wrapped in a plastic bag.

  “Dump it after you send the text,” he instructed.

  “Don’t get caught,” I muttered. “Hey, do you happen to know how many bones are in a finger?”

  “What?” He looked shocked by the change of direction in the conversation.

  “How many bones are in a finger?” I asked, realizing I didn’t know.

  “Do I look like I’m an anatomy lesson?”

  “Do you have any idea where I could get any fingers?”

  “Human fingers?”

  I nodded. “I don’t think it matters if they’re fresh or old, if that helps.”

  “What do you need fingers for, Maggie?” Patrick asked, clearly alarmed.

  “Just something.”

  He frowned. “No one needs fingers for just something.”

  “Trust me, you don’t want to know.”

  “Does it involve Delveccio?”

  I hesitated… technically, it kinda did, because it was his skull that was the center of this whole thing. But I wasn’t sure I should tell Patrick that. “Sorta kinda.”

  “Thank you for the clarity,” he drawled sarcastically.

  “Anyway,” I said. “Do you know where I could get any fingers?”

  He shook his head. “I’d guess a morgue.”

  “Hmm,” I murmured. I hadn’t considered that possibility. Maybe Doctor Yes could hook me up.

  “We’ll get through this, Maggie, we always do.” He patted DeeDee on the head and got back into his car. “I’ll be in touch.”

  He drove away, leaving me holding the phone and DeeDee whining. “Hungry.”

  “You always are,” I said. The lizard wasn’t wrong about that. While I was looking at the phone that Patrick had provided, my own phone began to buzz.

  I pulled it out, and my stomach flip-flopped nervously as I saw that it was Ian calling.

  “Hey,” I said, answering it.

  “Hey.”

  An uncomfortable silence stretched between us. I looked up and down the street to see if anybody was watching me, standing there, a phone pressed to my ear but being completely silent. Nobody was.

  “Why do you need it?” Ian asked.

  “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” I told him. “Did you get it?”

  “Tell me,” Ian said. “Or I won’t give it to you.”

  I tamped down on the anger that began to rise in me. I felt like I was being bartered with and I didn’t appreciate the feeling.

  “It’s sort of about the skull,” I began.

  “Great,” Ian said. “Come to my place, tell me the rest of the story, and you can have it.”

  Before I could respond, he disconnected the call. I glared down at my phone and considered throwing it across the street.

  “Come on,” I said to DeeDee. “We’ve gotta go see Ian.”

  “Me Ian feed will.”

  She was probably right, at least one of us would get what we wanted from him.

  30

  DeeDee rode shotgun as I drove over to Ian’s place.

  “What am I supposed to do?” I asked her and God. “Lie to him? Tell him I’m taking part in an exorcism? Is there a better option somewhere that I’m just not seeing?”

  “Is bad lying,” DeeDee barked, making her opinion clear.

  “The furry beast, as usual, lacks nuance,” God said smugly. “Just make up a story.”

  I shook my head and squeezed the steering wheel tighter. I didn’t want to lie to my brother. But I had to do whatever it was going to take to save Katie.

  Ian was waiting for me outside, as though he was trying to keep me from entering his house.

  As I got out of my car, I could see the tension in him. “I appreciate this,” I said with a smile, trying to extend an olive branch.

  “What does it have to do with the skull?” he asked, making it clear he didn’t have any interest in niceties.

  “You’re not going to believe me,” I told him. “It would be quicker and easier if you’d just give me the gorilla poo.”

  He shook his head and frowned at me. “Not until I know why.”

  “Hello! Hello! Hello!” DeeDee barked from where she was still locked in the car.

  Sighing heavily, I turned and opened the door for her so that she could bound out. She nearly bowled Ian over as she charged toward him and tried to leap into his arms.

  “Ian! Ian! Ian!” she panted excitedly, licking his face.

  “She really is turning into the mouse,” God muttered. He’d climbed up onto my shoulder before I’d gotten out of the car, and he whispered the complaint, so that only I could hear it.

  Despite his mood, Ian wasn’t unaffected by DeeDee’s joy in seeing him. A smile cracked across his face, and he rubbed behind her ears. “It’s good to see you, DeeDee,” he said fondly.

  “Spell magic,” the dog barked.

  God, on my shoulder, groaned.

  I, however, experienced a great weight lifting off me. I no longer had to make the decision about whether or not to tell Ian the truth, since DeeDee already had. That’s the thing about dogs, you know, they’re straight-up honest, not a deceitful bone in their bodies.

  “What magic spell,” Ian asked the Doberman.

  “Katie save,” DeeDee barked, lowering her head and looking sad at the idea that my niece would not be saved.

  Ian looked up at me. “Is that true?”

  A lump forming in my throat, I just nodded.

  Ian, reading the truth on my face, waved me forward. “Come inside, I get the feeling this is going to be one heck of a story.”

  I followed him into his house and asked, “It’s just us here?”

  “Who else would be here?” he asked. “I mean, Maddy’s around somewhere, but…”

  I shook my head. I hadn’t been referring to his pet opossum. “Your girlfriend, she’s not here, is she?”

  A hint of annoyance flashed in Ian’s eyes. “No.”

  “Good,” I said, sinking into the nearest chair. It had been a long day, and I had a feeling it was going to be an equally long night.

  “So tell me about this magic spell that involves saving Katie and the skull,” Ian said.

  I quickly filled him in on everything that had happened. “And that’s why I need the gorilla poo,” I concluded. “Do you have it?”

  “Have I ever let you down, Maggie?” Ian asked.

  I shook my head.

  “And yet you think you can’t depend on me because I lost the skull in the first place,” he said with a resigned sigh.

  “This is a very different kind of situation,” I said defensively.

  “But it sounds like Armani and your new friend RV are perfect little helpers.”

  “They’re just more involved in that world,” I told him. “I wasn’t trying to exclude you.”

  “Good,” he said. “I’m coming to the exorcism.”

  I blinked, not knowing what to say. Finally, I blurted out, “I have no idea who’s even allowed to be there.”

  “Well, until we get the divine word that I’m not allowed, I’m going. Katie’s my niece, too.”

  I shrugged my surrender. I didn’t have it in me to argue with him. I didn’t know why h
e even wanted to be there. “Okay, I’ll call you when I’ve got the details.” I got to my feet. “Where’s the poo?”

  Ian shook his head. “I’ll bring it when you call me with those details.”

  I frowned at him, feeling like I was being manipulated

  “You don’t have to be like that,” I told him. “I told you I’d call.”

  “And I told you I’d be there,” he said firmly.

  Realizing I wasn’t going to win this argument with him, I told DeeDee to follow me and we walked back to the car.

  “Now what?” God asked.

  “Now, I have to go see Katie,” I said.

  “You’re not going to take her finger bones, are you?” God asked, alarmed.

  Looking in the rearview mirror, I stared at him as he perched on my shoulder, “Really?” I asked. “You think I’m capable of doing that?”

  He flicked his tail and remained silent. All three of us remained that way for the ride back.

  When I rolled past RV’s camper, I saw Armani sitting on the steps, so I parked.

  “I got it, chica,” Armani told me, eyes swinging with excitement. “We’re ready.”

  “Almost,” I told her. “Any idea where Katie is?”

  “Talking to the ass,” Armani said.

  “Are you talking the two legged or the four legged kind,” I asked.

  Armani chuckled. “Four.”

  “Thanks,” I said, hurrying out toward the barn with DeeDee on my heels.

  When I got there, Katie, flanked by Piss and Matilda, was petting Irma’s nose.

  “You look spent, sugar,” Piss meowed.

  Turning to see why she was making the noise, Katie caught sight of me. “Aunt Maggie!”

  She ran full tilt at me and I had to bend down to scoop her up before she knocked us both to the ground.

  I hugged her tightly. “How are you doing, baby girl?”

  “I’m good,” she said. “But I’m pretty sure Zippy hates me.”

  “I’m pretty sure Zippy hates everyone,” I told her. Over her shoulder, I gave Piss an enquiring look.

  “Don’t worry,” the cat purred. “We didn’t let her get anywhere near snapping range of the little beast.”

  I nodded my thanks.

  “Grandpa seems angry,” Katie revealed.

  I put her down on the ground and smoothed her hair away from her face. The innocence I saw in her eyes squeezed my heart.

  “Oh, he’s not angry at you, sweetie,” I assured her. “He just has a lot on his mind.”

  “I try to be good,” she confided, tears welling up in her eyes.

  “You are good,” I told her, giving her a gentle shake. “Did somebody tell you that you weren’t?”

  Fury rose in me at the thought, and I imagined unleashing my wrath on whoever had hurt my niece like this.

  She shook her head. “Only Aunt Darlene,” she said. “She kept telling me I had to be good.”

  I looked down at the ground so that Katie wouldn’t see the anger that I knew was in my gaze. At that moment, I felt a level of hatred for my sister that I’d never experienced before. I hated that she made Katie think she was less than good. It was the kind of thing our grandmother used to do.

  Remembering that I’d spent the entire day working on getting rid of our grandmother, I told Katie, “I have to go out and take care of something. But what if tomorrow, or maybe the next day, we go do something fun. Just you and me. What do you think?”

  “Can we go to the zoo?” she said hopefully.

  I nodded. After all, I had to go visit the gorillas anyway to say thank you.

  “DeeDee and Piss are going to watch after you now.”

  “What about Matilda?” Katie asked.

  The pig snuffled her appreciation.

  “I need Matilda to help me with something,” I told her. “But you can play with her tomorrow.”

  Katie pressed a kiss to my cheek and then ran away, DeeDee keeping pace with her.

  Piss hung back, waiting. “What’s going on, sugar?” my one-eyed cat asked curiously.

  “We’re almost ready,” I told her. “We just need one more ingredient, and I’m thinking Matilda’s sense of smell can help us find that, just like she found the skull.”

  “Happy to help,” the pig oinked.

  “We’ll keep an eye on the girl,” Piss told me. “Be safe.”

  She trotted off, tail held high.

  I turned my attention to the pig. “Ready to go for a ride?”

  “Of course,” Matilda said.

  She was so cheery, not knowing that I was going to ask her to help me find a dead body.

  31

  RV was sitting on top of her vehicle, watching the sunset, when Matilda and I drove up.

  She glanced over at me, held up one finger to indicate that she needed a moment, and then turned her attention back to the sky.

  Considering we had a ticking clock going, and the setting sun was an indicator of that, I fidgeted impatiently.

  After a minute, she climbed down and walked toward the car, carrying an armful of tools. I got out and opened the trunk, helping her put the things inside: shovels, headlamps, plastic bags, and a crowbar.

  She glanced in the back seat of the car. “You’re bringing the pig?”

  I nodded.

  “Smart,” she said. “She can probably find the best body for us.”

  My stomach lurched at the thought, even though that had been my thinking.

  “Yay for Maggie,” God mocked. “She thought ahead.”

  “I do do that once in a while,” I snapped back. I slammed the trunk closed and stalked over to the driver’s seat.

  As RV slid into the passenger seat, she glanced at me sideways. “Are you okay?”

  I nodded.

  “Did you get the poo?”

  “I can get it,” I told her.

  She frowned. “You do know that we need it.”

  I shrugged helplessly as I drove toward the cemetery. “Ian said he’ll bring it.”

  “And you trust him?”

  “Sure, he’s family.” I glanced over at her. “Where’s your family?”

  “Do you mean besides my dead husband and dead mother-in-law?” she asked testily.

  I winced, realizing I’d trampled into a sensitive area.

  We drove along in silence for a few minutes. Finally, she said, “I don’t know if I have a family.”

  I turned my head to look at her, to see if she was being serious.

  “How do you not know?” I asked. “Did you grow up in an orphanage or something?”

  She tapped her head with her forefinger. “Amnesia.”

  “Oh,” I gasped. “That’s terrible.”

  “Maybe. Or maybe it was my mind’s way of shielding me from something horrific. They say to look for the opportunity when faced with a challenge.”

  I wanted to ask her a million questions. When had she become aware of her amnesia? Had she ever tried to track down her past? Had she been married before or after the amnesia? But I didn’t say anything. She wasn’t the terribly forthcoming type, and I needed her help. I couldn’t afford to offend her at the moment.

  Dusk had fallen by the time we reached the cemetery, and I turned on the headlights to trace the route of the road.

  “Park over there,” she ordered, pointing to a building that I assumed was used for maintenance.

  I pulled behind it, put the car into park, and let out a shaky sigh. “Are we really going to do this?”

  “Do you really want to save your niece?”

  I nodded.

  “Sometimes we’ve got to do the things we least want to do, in order to get what we want most.”

  “She’s wise, too,” God practically cooed.

  I considered leaving him in the car.

  The wise woman and I put on headlamps and grabbed digging implements. She slung a nylon bag over her shoulder. Something in it clattered, I assumed something that cut off a finger.

  I s
huddered at the idea.

  “We need to find a body that stinks,” I told Matilda. “I don’t want to be shoveling ground that’s been packed down for decades.”

  “Technically,” God piped up.

  “Shut up,” I said, not wanting to hear what he had to offer.

  “Technically,” he continued in his most superior tone. “Considering most bodies are pumped full of chemicals, she may have difficulty finding a fresh body.”

  I groaned, realizing he was probably right. I mean, I’m not a science major or anything, but that does make sense. Formaldehyde and whatever else they use on corpses.

  “Not to worry,” RV said. “I looked up a list of recent burials.”

  “Always thinking,” God murmured. “You’ve got to admire that.”

  “I do,” I said through gritted teeth. “I admire her, okay? She’s way better at this stuff than I am. Than I’ll ever be. Is that what you want to hear?”

  RV looked away uncomfortably.

  “No need to get huffy,” God derided.

  I decided not to engage with him and instead turned my attention to RV. “Thank you for thinking of the recent burials.”

  “I’m just as desperate as you to get this done.”

  I didn’t know what that meant, and wanted to ask her, but was distracted as she handed me a taser, a different one than she’d given me last time. I found myself wondering how many of them she had in her possession.

  “This way,” she said and marched off.

  I followed behind and Matilda brought up the rear.

  “It’s dark,” the pig complained.

  “That means there’s no barbecue burning,” God taunted.

  “Seriously? Choose your next words wisely,” I warned. “I will leave you here.”

  RV led us to a grave that, when we shined the lights on it, we could tell there was freshly tossed dirt on top.

  “Start digging,” she said.

  She and I began to excavate the hole. She didn’t seem to be straining, meanwhile, I was huffing and puffing.

  I fervently hoped that God wouldn’t point out that I needed to go to the gym. Like most people, I know that I should, but there just never seems to be enough time to get around to it.