The Library War

by Cecily Wolfe

  “Actually, I think it’s better if we just don’t right now, Conner.”

  He stopped, his hand still holding hers tugging her back as she tried to walk on.

  “Don’t what? Can’t we talk about Friday night, about the kiss, about the library job? We can let prom take care of itself, that’s true, especially when Jason and Kaylie are so cool about it.”

  Why did he have to push this, Maya wondered, squeezing his hand, partly to reassure him and partly in annoyance that he wouldn’t let the subjects go.

  “Why don’t we just wait, you know, until graduation is over. Then we can deal with whatever we need to. Okay?”

  He didn’t move, even when she pulled on his hand, stepping forward.

  “Conner, come on. We can talk and walk at the same time, or at least some of us can.”

  Her attempt to add a teasing tone to her voice didn’t really work, and Conner wasn’t amused.

  “I think we’re important, you’re important, enough to straighten this out. I don’t know about you, but I can’t go on like this.”

  She dropped his hand without thinking, then wished she hadn’t when he held his out to her, frowning.

  “Go on like what? We can just go back to how things were before . . . before what’s happened. Let it go for a couple of weeks, and then see how things are. I’m willing to let Friday night go if you are. Obviously, since I apologized. And you did, too. So . . .”

  “So what?” he was angry now, and the space between them vanished as he closed the distance in one step, looking down at her, his eyes closing as he shook his head.

  She swallowed and without thinking, slid her hands up into her backpack straps, gripping them tightly as she waited for him to continue. If she didn’t occupy her hands, she realized, they might be on Conner now, holding him so he couldn’t move away from her again.

  “Seriously, I need you to let it go. Let’s just go all Elsa and take a cue from Disney already.” she offered with a small smile, hoping the reference might evoke good memories.

  All they had together was good memories, though, at least until . . .

  Until when? When she started to feel differently about Conner? Or when the library job became an opportunity?

  “Last I checked, the message from Frozen was not to let it go. Look what happened when Elsa did. Sure, she was free and could be herself and all that, but she was alone. And when her sister came all that way to find her, Elsa hurt her. Not on purpose, of course, but . . .”

  This was going nowhere, Maya thought. Besides, he was right about Frozen. When it came down to it, there had to be a way to be yourself without harming anyone else.

  Especially the people you loved.

  “Conner, I have to tell you something.”

  He didn’t respond, but started walking again, just as she had wanted to a few minutes earlier. She jogged a little to catch up, but he was shaking his head, clearly annoyed.

  “You’re really going to try to railroad me into giving up this job, aren’t you?”

  She stepped in front of him, feeling the heat rush to her face and the words coming out of her mouth before she could stop them. How dare he accuse her of that, when he had kissed her only to try to get her to let him have the job?

  “Are you kidding me?”

  Maya hadn’t meant to shout, but it didn’t matter. The sidewalks were quiet, empty for at least a block in every direction except for the two of them. How often had it been just the two of them, here, and everywhere else? Even if there had been other bodies physically present, most of the time it had felt as if it was just the two of them, in their own little world.

  That was all she had ever needed, and now he was screwing it up over this job.

  “Not at all. You know I want this, and I need it for my resume. I can help with the children’s programs, and the family events for summer reading club. I have zero experience working with kids, and that might help when it comes to getting a teaching job later.”

  That was absurd, she thought, walking backwards now as she usually did, skipping enough to keep him from walking around her. There was no way she was going to let him think that his reason was more important than hers.

  “You have plenty of time for that. I need to save gas money, and money for books and supplies. You don’t have to worry about that.”

  His eyes met hers, but before he could counter what she said, she started talking again, shaking her head almost violently as she did so.

  “No, I’m not annoyed that you have money and I don’t. That’s never been a thing between us, and you know it. It’s also never been a secret. What you want from this job and what I need from it is different.”

  She watched him press his lips together tightly, as if he was holding back what he really wanted to say, so she continued.

  “Do you honestly think that you wanting this job is the same level of priority as me needing it?”

  Chapter Twenty Three

  “So basically you’re putting your own interests ahead of mine, although though there are other jobs you could get this summer.” Conner said, knowing that he sounded petulant but unable to keep the annoyance from his voice.

  Maya’s face had been bright red for several minutes, and her breathing was deep, although he could see she was doing all she could to get it under control. Her shoulders were scrunched up, and he wanted to reach out and press them down, to encourage her to relax, but of course, he couldn’t.

  “Where? Everyone who comes back from college will be after those jobs, and most of them have experience outside of babysitting. I could say the same for you, too. Why don’t you find something else? You could keep volunteering at the library, and ask Lindsay to let you help with the family programs.”

  What she said made a measure of sense, Conner knew, but it wasn’t what he wanted. Volunteering was one thing, a job was another. Besides, whoever got this job would be the one with other responsibilities, including assisting with programs beyond setting up and putting away the equipment and materials.

  “Cutting out name tags and stapling decorations on the bulletin board is not something on my resume that will impress anyone who would be considering me for a teaching position.”

  Maya reached out and stopped him with a hand on his chest, and he stopped breathing for a moment. Their eyes met, and he leaned into her a bit, wanting nothing more than to kiss her again. He thought that she wanted to kiss him too, as her eyes fluttered, looking quickly down to his lips and then back up again.

  “You don’t have to worry about that. Student teaching doesn’t have anything to do with your experience, does it? Don’t you have to student teach to graduate? So, they have to take you.”

  “That’s true, but it could be a factor in where I student teach, and afterwards when I apply for actual teaching positions. Besides, isn’t it enough that I want the experience? That I’m telling you it will help me in the future?” he countered as his hand came up to cover Maya’s and grip it tightly.

  Maybe if he explained how he felt about her, that while he valued their friendship over every other relationship in his life, he wanted more with her?

  She jerked her hand away, shaking her head.

  “You aren’t listening to me, are you? You’ve always been the only one who did, but I guess things change, especially when you aren't getting what you want from me as easily as you’re used to.”

  What the heck did she mean by that?

  “Getting what I want from you? Like hanging out? Like talking about stuff we can’t talk about with anyone else? Like understanding each other without even saying anything? What have I been getting from you so easily that you haven’t been getting from me? Tell me, Maya. Tell me what it is.”

  She turned away quickly, but not before he saw her eyes begin to shine, and he almost groaned with the realization that he was making her cry. The last person he ever wanted to hurt was Maya. Didn’t she know that?

  “I want this job, Conner. Lindsay will be able to see
that I’m the best fit for it, that’s all there is to it. You can try to beat me out for it, but I’m not giving up. If you don’t understand why, that’s your problem, not mine.”

  He had reached out to grab her arm but stopped when the force of her voice and the words stung him. It felt like the slap she had dished out Friday night, a slap he still didn’t think he deserved but had been willing to forgive and forget.

  But now, the way she was acting, he wasn’t so sure that was a good idea. She had apologized, but was she really sorry?

  He cleared his throat, but she kept walking, and he let her go, hoping that she’d come to her senses by the time they reached the library.

  She was stubborn, though, and it was one of the things he loved about her. She didn’t give up, and she didn’t give in, no matter what. He never thought it was a trait that would have a negative impact on their relationship. It had always been an admirable quality, but now it was just annoying and divisive.

  How much did she expect him to let this go, and act like it didn’t matter to him? He kicked at some sticks that were on the sidewalk, left over from a thunderstorm a few days ago, wishing he could kick something more substantial.

  Later, after the library, he could shoot hoops until his parents made him come inside, although he could spend hours in the dark, with just the light from the kitchen flooding the patio, aiming again and again for the net, feeling his head clear in an almost physical way as the repetitiveness drew out any anxieties or stress.

  He would have to take some time at the library today to find a new book, something dark and brooding, something Maya would tease him about. He had been so focused on exams, and now prom shopping and worrying about his future with Maya . . .

  There had never been any doubt in his mind that he and Maya had a future together, long before he had realized that his feelings went beyond friendship.

  Maya was pulling on the straps of her backpack so tightly that the pack itself was pressed up against her back and riding up her neck.

  “Do you want to come over after, shoot some hoops?”

  The words slipped out, the most natural thing in the world, before he could think about them. How many times had she been over to do just that, especially when one or the other, or both of them, needed to vent or redirect themselves?

  She looked down enough for him to notice, but otherwise, acted as if she hadn’t heard him. Was she seriously ignoring him now? They had never ignored each other, even when they had been mad. But they had never been this angry with each other, not in a way that talking about it hadn’t ended in a resolution.

  The last few minutes of their walk together was silent, and felt like the longest time he had ever spent with her without knowing what was going through her head.

  Maya dropped her backpack on one of the plastic chairs at the table in the break room and walked off, leaving Conner alone without a word.

  He figured that she was headed for Lindsay’s office, and when he left the break room and headed down the hall between the staff cubicles, proved himself right when he overheard her talking to the manager.

  “So if you need me a few more hours on Saturday, that would be fine with me.”

  What was she doing? Wasn’t she supposed to go prom dress shopping with Kaylie on Saturday? Did she think ditching his prom date to spend more time helping at the library would give her an edge over him for the job?

  He stepped up behind her as she stood inside the doorway, and Lindsay looked up at him, her smile dimming a bit as she looked him over.

  “Is everything okay, Conner?” she asked, her eyebrows shifting upwards as she spoke. He nodded automatically. No matter what, she couldn’t know that this opportunity was causing trouble between him and Maya. She had been an exacting manager, even though the two of them were just volunteers, but it was her idea in the first place that got them started here, and brought them together.

  He didn’t want her to regret that, ever.

  “I’ll go out and start shelving, if that’s okay.”

  Of course it was okay, he thought, resisting the urge to roll his eyes at his own comment. It’s what the two of them did at the start of every volunteer shift, and was their primary duty.

  He turned away, but Maya’s voice stopped him in his tracks.

  “I’ll take the children’s cart.”

  Should he argue with her right here, right now, in front of Lindsay? Or let her make a show of taking the more difficult and time consuming shelving area?

  It only took a moment for him to decide that telling her that he would take the children’s cart would result in a back and forth exchange that would not be pretty, and would tip off Lindsay that something was very wrong between them.

  He nodded and kept walking, heading for the adult book cart. There was enough to keep him busy for about half of their shift, and then he could straighten up the shelves and shelf read, staying in the adult area so as to completely avoid Maya. If she came to him, that would be okay as far as he was concerned, but he wasn’t going to approach her.

  Telling himself that it was to allow her time to cool off and not provoke her was only part of the reason, but he didn’t want to consider that he was upset enough that he didn’t trust himself not to say anything hurtful, or at least not helpful, if they were alone together right now.

  “What’s the good word, Conner?”

  Steve was sitting at the front desk, a home and garden magazine open in front of him. He always had something different to read while he worked, and Conner thought that there was nothing that didn’t interest the librarian. Maybe that was part of what being a librarian was about, always learning something new and being open to different subjects.

  If he hadn’t wanted to be a teacher and a coach, he thought, being a librarian would be a definite possibility. He hadn’t ruled it out, and since it was a graduate program, he could always finish his bachelor’s degree and go back later for one in library science if he wanted.

  Before he could answer Steve, Maya pushed a cart of children’s picture books by, moving fast and pointedly ignoring both of them. Steve watched her go wordlessly, then turned back to Conner when she had left the desk area and was headed towards the children’s shelves.

  “She looks like she means business. Anything you want to tell me?”

  Steve’s eyebrows were like Lindsay’s had been moments earlier, raised in curiosity and possibly concern. Both librarians had pretty much watched him and Maya grow up over the past six years, and he knew they both took an interest in both of their lives.

  It was considerate of them, but right now Conner didn’t want to talk to anyone about Maya. Except Maya, and only if that would end well.

  He shook his head, knowing that Steve was noting his focus on Maya, as much as he was trying not to show it.

  With his gaze turned back to the book carts, he nodded to Steve and pulled out a cart of adult books. He could ignore her just as long as she did him, he thought, although the very idea of it made him utterly sad.

  Chapter Twenty Four

  Time dragged on, and Maya knew that she wasn’t paying as much attention to the books she was shelving as she needed to. The picture books weren’t too bad, but they were so thin and Lindsay was really particular about keeping the books lined up an inch from the edge of the shelves. It wasn’t like she had a ruler to check them, but she liked them to look neat, with all the spines aligned.

  Maya had always taken pride in making sure the books looked nice for patrons, and the children’s area was notorious for being messy and picked over, which was really a good sign. It meant that kids were looking at the books, and ideally taking some of them home.