Fight Like a Mother

by Shannon Watts

  Be a positive role model. Share your feelings about the event with your children/teens at a level they can understand. You may express sadness and empathy for the victims and their families. You may share some worry. But it’s important to also share ideas for coping with difficult situations and help your children/teens see that there is still good in the world, even in the midst of tragedy, by pointing out the quick responses of law enforcement and medical personnel to help the victims and the heroic or generous efforts of ordinary citizens. Follow the lead of the mother of Fred Rogers (of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood fame), who always said to him, “Look for the helpers; you will always find people who are helping” during a crisis.

  Start the conversation. Talk about the shooting with your kids. Not talking about it can make the event even more threatening in their minds. Silence suggests that what has occurred is too horrible even to speak about.

  Carve out time to have these conversations. Use time such as when you eat together or sit together in the evening to talk about what is happening in the family as well as in the community. Try not to have these conversations close to bedtime, as this is the time for rest and they could lead to nightmares or difficulty falling asleep.

  * * *

  Common Reactions to Mass Shootings

  Mass shootings evoke a range of big emotions for you and your kids—you may feel sadness, grief, helplessness, anxiety, and anger. These generally diminish with time, but knowing about them can help you be supportive, of both yourself and your kids. Here are some of the reactions you can expect:

  Anxiety, fear, and worry about the safety of self and others

  Fears that another shooting may occur

  Changes in behavior: Increase in activity level

  Decrease in concentration and attention

  Increase in irritability and anger

  Sadness, grief, and/or withdrawal

  Radical changes in attitudes and expectations for the future

  Increases or decreases in sleep and appetite

  Engaging in harmful habits, like drinking, using drugs, or doing things that are harmful to self or others

  Lack of interest in usual activities, including spending time with friends

  Physical complaints (headaches, stomachaches, general aches and pains)

  Changes in school and work-related habits and behavior with peers and family

  Staying too focused on the shooting (talking repeatedly about it)

  Strong reactions to reminders of the shooting (media images, smoke, police, memorials)

  Increased sensitivity to sounds (loud noises, screaming)

  * * *

  Find out what your children/teens already know. Start by asking what they have already heard about the events from the media and from friends. As they answer, listen carefully for misinformation, misconceptions, and underlying fears or concerns. Understand that this information will change as more facts about the shooting are known.

  Gently correct inaccurate information. If your children/teens have inaccurate information or misconceptions, take time to provide the correct information in simple, clear, age-appropriate language. Like adults, kids are better able to cope with a difficult situation when they have the facts about it.

  Encourage your children/teens to ask questions, and answer those questions directly. Having question-and-answer talks gives your kids ongoing support as they begin to cope with the range of emotions stirred up by this tragedy. They may have some difficult questions about the incident. For example, they may ask whether it’s possible it could happen to you or them. While it’s important to discuss the likelihood of this risk, they are also asking whether they are safe.

  Help children/teens feel safe. Talk with them about their concerns over safety and discuss changes that are occurring in the country/community to promote safety. Encourage your children/teens to voice their concerns to you or to teachers at school. This may be a time to review plans your family has for keeping safe in the event of any crisis situation. Also be sure to give any information you have on the help and support the victims and their families are receiving, which gives you an opportunity to highlight the goodness of people.

  Encourage self-care. Help kids by encouraging them to drink enough water, eat regularly, and get enough rest and exercise. Let them know it’s okay to take a break from talking with others about the recent attack or from participating in any of the memorial events.

  Maintain expectations or “rules.” Stick with family rules, such as curfews, checking in, and keeping up with homework and chores. On a time-limited basis, keep a closer watch on where teens are going and what they are planning to do in order to monitor how they are doing. Assure them that the extra check-in is temporary—just until things stabilize.

  Expect mood changes. Children/teens may become more irritable or defiant. They may have trouble separating from caregivers, wanting to stay at home or close by them. It’s common for young people to feel anxious about what has happened, what may happen in the future, and how it will impact their lives. Remember, they may be thinking about the event even when they try not to. Their sleep and appetite routines may change. In general, you should see these reactions lessen within a few weeks.

  Limit media exposure. Especially limit your younger children’s exposure to media images and sounds of the shooting, and do not allow your very young children to see or hear any media information about the shootings. Even if they appear to be engrossed in play, children often are aware of what you are watching on TV or listening to on other media. What may not be upsetting to an adult may be very upsetting and confusing for a child. Limit your own exposure as well. Adults may become more distressed with nonstop exposure to media coverage of shootings.

  Be patient. In times of stress, children/teens may have trouble with their behavior, concentration, and attention. They may not openly ask for your guidance or support, but they will want it. Adolescents who are seeking increased independence may have difficulty expressing their needs. Both children and teens will need a little extra patience, care, and love. (Be patient with yourself, too!) Accept responsibility for your own feelings, by saying things like “I want to apologize for being irritable with you yesterday. I was having a bad day.”

  Monitor changes in relationships. Explain to kids that strains on relationships are to be expected. Emphasize that everyone needs family and friends for support during this time. Spend more time talking as a family about how everyone is doing. Encourage tolerance for how your family and friends may be recovering or feeling differently.

  Address radical changes in attitudes toward and expectations for the future. Explain to children/teens that changes in people’s attitudes are common and tend to be temporary after a tragedy like this. These feelings can include feeling scared, angry, and sometimes revengeful. Find other ways to make them feel more in control and talk about their feelings.

  Identify constructive activities. Children and teens are often deeply concerned for survivors and families of survivors and want to help them. Encourage age-appropriate activities that are meaningful (collecting money, supplies, etc.) as long as it seems helpful and not burdensome.

  Get extra help when you need it. Should reactions continue or at any point interfere with your children’s/teens’ abilities to function, or if you are worried, contact local mental health professionals who have expertise in trauma. Contact your family physician, pediatrician, or state mental health associations for referrals to such experts.

  As helpful as these guidelines can be, the truth is that they are all Band-Aids. It’s hard to assure kids of any age that they’re safe and that a mass shooting can’t happen where you live; I don’t know whether any American parent really believes that anymore. Unless you also get out there and fight for stronger gun laws, there won’t be a change. Everything I’ve shared in these appendix resources are just more reasons to get involved. We, your soul sisters, are ready and excited to welcome you into the fold.

  Tips compi
led and adapted by Ava Schlesinger, LCSW, from support resources published by the National Child Traumatic Stress Network, http://www.nctsn.org.

  Public Distress Helpline

  If you or anyone you know needs emotional support as a result of gun violence, please urge them to contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) Distress Helpline, which offers crisis support services for any American experiencing emotional distress, at 1-800-985-5990 or text “TalkWithUs” to 66746.

  Notes

  INTRODUCTION

  1.A. Karp, “Estimating Global Civilian-Held Firearms Numbers,” Small Arms Survey, June 2018, http://www.smallarmssurvey.org/fileadmin/docs/T-Briefing-Papers/SAS-BP-Civilian-Firearms-Numbers.pdf.

  2.US Census Bureau, “U.S. and World Population Clock,” https://www.census.gov/popclock/, accessed October 31, 2018.

  3.Karp, “Estimating.”

  4.K. D. Kochanek, S. L. Murphy, J. Xu, and B. Tejada-Vera, “Deaths: Final Data for 2014,” National Vital Statistics Reports 65, no. 4 (2016), https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr65/nvsr65_04.pdf.

  5.S. L. Murphy, J. Xu, K. D. Kochanek, S. C. Curtin, and E. Arias, “Deaths: Final Data for 2015,” National Vital Statistics Reports 66, no. 6 (2017), https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr66/nvsr66_06.pdf.

  6.J. Xu, S. L. Murphy, K. D. Kochanek, B. Bastian, and E. Arias, “Deaths: Final Data for 2016,” National Vital Statistics Reports 67, no. 5 (2018), https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr66/nvsr66_06.pdf.

  7.Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, WONDER (Wide-Ranging Online Data for Epidemiologic Research), “Underlying Cause of Death,” https://wonder.cdc.gov/ucd-icd10.html. Data reflect a five-year average (2013–2017) of gun deaths by intent.

  8.M. Fox, “Guns Send 8300 Kids to Hospital Every Year, Study Finds,” NBC News, October 28, 2018, https://www.nbcnews.com/health/health-news/guns-send-8-300-kids-hospitals-each-year-study-finds-n925906?cid=sm_npd_nn_tw_ma.

  9.Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Injury Prevention and Control, WISQARS (Web-Based Injury Statistics Query and Reporting System), “Fatal Injury Data,” https://www.cdc.gov/injury/wisqars/index.html. Data reflect a five-year average (2012–2016) of gun deaths by race. Analysis includes all ages, non-Hispanic only, and homicide, including legal intervention.

  10.Ibid. Data reflect a five-year average (2012–2016) of gun deaths by race. Analysis includes ages zero to nineteen, and non-Hispanic only and homicide, including legal intervention.

  11.Department of Justice, Federal Bureau of Investigation, “Uniform Crime Reporting Program: Supplementary Homicide Report (SHR), 2012–2016,” Washington, DC. While the FBI SHR does not include data from the state of Florida for the years 2012–2016, Everytown for Gun Safety obtained data directly from the Florida Department of Law Enforcement (FDLE) and included the reported homicides in the analysis. Whereas the SHR includes both current and former partners in its relationship designations, the FDLE does not include former partners. As a result, Florida’s intimate partner violence data includes only current partners.

  12.E. Grinshteyn and D. Hemenway, “Violent Death Rates: The U.S. Compared with Other High-Income OECD Countries, 2010,” American Journal of Medicine 129, no. 3 (2016): 266–273.

  13.Global Burden of Disease 2016 Injury Collaborators, “Global Mortality from Firearms, 1990–2016,” JAMA 320, no. 8 (2018): 792–814.

  14.Worldometers, “U.S. Population (Live),” http://www.worldometers.info/world-population/us-population/, accessed November 30, 2018.

  CHAPTER 1: Use MOMentum

  1.National Conference of State Legislatures, “Women in State Legislatures for 2019,” January 8, 2019, http://www.ncsl.org/legislators-staff/legislators/womens-legislative-network/women-in-state-legislatures-for-2019.aspx.

  2.D. Desilver, “A Record Number of Women Will Be Serving in the New Congress,” FactTank, Pew Charitable Research, December 18, 2018, http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2018/12/18/record-number-women-in-congress.

  3.J. Cooperman, “The Making of the NRA’s Dana Loesch,” St. Louis Magazine, September 13, 2018, https://www.stlmag.com/longform/the-making-of-dana-loesch/.

  CHAPTER 3: Channel Your Inner Badass

  1.M. Blumenthal, “Palin’s New Disaster,” The Daily Beast, April 13, 2009, https://www.thedailybeast.com/palins-new-disaster.

  2.T. Johnston, “10 Misogynist Attacks from Ted Nugent, Greg Abbott’s New Surrogate,” Media Matters for America, February 14, 2014, https://www.mediamatters.org/research/2014/02/14/10-misogynist-attacks-from-ted-nugent-greg-abbo/198061.

  3.NRA-ILA, Institute for Legislative Action, “Rhode Island: House Judiciary Committee Preparing for Gun Control Round Two,” May 8, 2017, https://www.nraila.org/articles/20170508/rhode-island-house-judiciary-committee-preparing-for-gun-control-round-two.

  4.T. Johnson, “The NRA Is Trying to Reach Out to Women, but This Is How It Talks About Campus Sexual Assault,” Media Matters for America, September 9, 2014, https://www.mediamatters.org/blog/2014/09/09/the-nra-is-trying-to-reach-out-to-women-but-thi/200699.

  CHAPTER 4: Losing Forward

  1.C. Cheng and M. Hoekstra, “Does Strengthening Self-Defense Law Deter Crime or Escalate Violence? Evidence from Castle Doctrine,” Journal of Human Resources 48, no. 3 (2013): 821–854, http://econweb.tamu.edu/mhoekstra/castle_doctrine.pdf.

  CHAPTER 5: Use Your Bullhorn

  1.J. Adalian, “Late-Night Ratings: Stephen Colbert’s Lead Over Jimmy Fallon Is Bigger than Ever,” Vulture, April 16, 2018, https://www.vulture.com/2018/04/late-night-ratings-early-2018-colbert-fallon.html.

  2.K. Bialik, “14% of Americans Have Changed Their Mind About an Issue Because of Something They Saw on Social Media,” Pew Research Center, August 15, 2018, http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2018/08/15/14-of-americans-have-changed-their-mind-about-an-issue-because-of-something-they-saw-on-social-media/.

  3.City of New York, “Point, Click, Fire: An Investigation of Illegal Online Gun Sales,” December, 2011, http://everytownresearch.org/documents/2015/04/point-click-fire.pdf; K. A. Vittes, J. S. Vernic, and D. W. Webster, “Legal Status and Source of Offenders’ Firearms in States with the Least Stringent Criteria for Gun Ownership,” Injury Prevention 19 (2013): 26–31.

  CHAPTER 6: Tap into the Priceless Power of Volunteers

  1.Quinnipiac University, “U.S. Voters Reject GOP Health Plan More than 3–1, Quinnipiac University National Poll Finds; Voters Support Gun Background Checks 94–5 Percent,” June 28, 2017, https://poll.qu.edu/images/polling/us/us06282017_Uvx74gpk.pdf/.

  CHAPTER 8: Know Your Numbers

  1.A. Milkovits, “In R.I. Domestic-Violence Cases, Suspects Often Keep Guns,” Providence Journal, June 16, 2015, https://www.providencejournal.com/article/20150616/NEWS/150619505.

  2.A. Kellermann, F. P. Rivara, N. B. Rushforth, J. G. Banton, D. T. Reay, J. T. Francisco, A. B. Locci, J. Prodzinski, B. B. Hackman, and G. Somes, “Gun Ownership as a Risk Factor for Homicide in the Home,” New England Journal of Medicine 329 (1993): 1084–1091.

  3.A. Kellermann and F. P. Rivara, “Silencing the Science on Gun Research,” JAMA 309, no. 6 (2013): 549–550.

  4.Omnibus Consolidated Appropriations Bill, HR 3610, Pub. L. No. 104-208, September 1996, http://www.gpo.gov/fdsys/pkg/PLAW-104publ208/pdf/PLAW-104publ208.pdf.

  5.J. R. Lott and D. B. Mustard, “Crime, Deterrence, and Right-to-Carry Concealed Weapons,” Journal of Legal Studies 26, no. 1 (1997): 1–68.

  6.C. F. Wellford, J. V. Pepper, and C. V. Petrie, Firearms and Violence: A Critical Review (Washington, DC: National Academies Press, 2005); J. J. Donohue, A. Aneja, and A. Zhang, “The Impact of Right to Carry Laws and the NRC Report: The Latest Lessons for the Empirical Evaluation of Law and Policy,” Stanford Law and Economics Olin Working Paper No. 430, July 29, 2012.

  7.J. Lurie, “When the Gun Lobby Tries to Justify Fire Arms Everywhere, It Turns to This Guy,” Mother Jones, July 28, 2015, https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2015/07/john-lott-guns-crime-data/.r />
  8.J. R. Lott, “Why You Should Be Hot and Bothered About ‘Climate-Gate,’” FoxNews, November 24, 2009, last updated May 7, 2015, https://www.foxnews.com/opinion/why-you-should-be-hot-and-bothered-about-climate-gate; O. Exstrum, “The Guy Behind the Bogus Immigration Report Has a Long History of Terrible and Misleading Research,” Mother Jones, February 7, 2018, https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2018/02/the-guy-behind-the-bogus-immigration-report-has-a-long-history-of-terrible-and-misleading-research/.

  9.A. Moodie, “Before You Read Another Health Study, Check Who’s Funding the Research,” Guardian, December 12, 2016; A. O’Connor, “Coca-Cola Funds Scientists Who Shift Blame for Obesity Away from Bad Diets,” NYTimes.com, August 9, 2015, https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/dec/12/studies-health-nutrition-sugar-coca-cola-marion-nestle.

  10.A. Karp, “Estimating Global Civilian-Held Firearms Numbers,” Small Arms Survey, June 2018, http://www.smallarmssurvey.org/fileadmin/docs/T-Briefing-Papers/SAS-BP-Civilian-Firearms-Numbers.pdf.

  11.These and following statistics from E. Grinshteyn and D. Hemenway, “Violent Death Rates: The US Compared with Other High-Income OECD Countries, 2010,” American Journal of Medicine 129, no. 3 (2016): 266–273.

  12.Sam Stein, “Gun Owners Surveyed by Frank Luntz Express Broad Support for Gun Control Policies,” Huffington Post, July 24, 2012, https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/24/gun-owners-frank-luntz-n-1699140.html.

  13.City of Chicago, Office of the Mayor, “Gun Trace Report, 2017,” https://www.chicago.gov/content/dam/city/depts/mayor/Press%20Room/Press%20Releases/2017/October/GTR2017.pdf.