The CTR Anthology

by Alan Filewod

  All: Busy busy busy busy work work work

  It’s time to clean and shine

  It’s busy time

  We’re moving in.

  Lola: Moving in

  All: Busy busy busy busy

  Lola: Moving in

  All: Busy busy busy busy

  Lola: Moving in

  All: It’s furniture that’s new

  and lights that are bright

  it’s toil but it’s fun

  like opening night!

  Busy busy busy busy

  Lola: Moving in

  All: Busy busy busy busy

  Lola: It’s no sin!

  Mover: Here’s a lamp

  Lola: Put it here

  Mover: And what about this box?

  Mover: Here’s a knick-knack

  Lola: Oh I love it

  Mover: And what about these sox?

  All: Busy busy busy busy

  Lola: Moving in

  All: Busy busy busy busy

  Lola: It’s no sin!

  All: (continue underneath the next) busy busy busy busy

  Lola: (speaks over them) Moving is such fun. …new bright spaces, dirty little holes to clean, dark interesting corners that you never thought existed … cobwebs … sweep them away … we’ve got nothing to hide … we’re starting anew starting afresh with an attitude that’s positive and a feeling that’s – what the heck!

  All: Busy busy busy busy

  Lola: Moving in

  All: Busy busy busy busy

  Lola: It’s no sin!

  All: We’re moving

  Mover: Wait I forgot a chair!

  All: We’re moving

  Lola: Wait watch my hair!

  All: We’re moving

  All: Busy busy busy busy

  It’s no

  It’s no

  It’s no

  (a big finish) SINNNNNNNN! (The movers continue bringing in furniture and humming. Tina and Eat Me surround Lola.)

  Lola: Oh Tina Tina Tina and little Eat Me come here … Eat Me … (she giggles) Oh, Tina darling, whatever possessed you to buy a dog and call him Eat Me?

  Tina: (a tough girl) I don’t know, Mom. But you never know when a brilliant and heroic dog can come in handy!

  Lola: Oh, you’re so right Tina, life’s like a baseball game with many an unexpected fast curve, but remember darling with the right hair and makeup, and if you design your own costumes you can do just about anything your little heart desires!

  Tina: I don’t have a little heart, Mom. It’s a big one!

  Lola: Oh Tina. You’re such a card, (music begins) But we’re here Tina, we’re finally here … this is it … our dream home … is it as you imagined?

  Tina: Just about.

  Eat Me: Arf arf!

  Lola: Tina … Eat Me … it’s so idyllic … (She goes over to a window) How lucky we were to find this quaint old vaudeville house … in rural Connecticut. I know now … just how our lives shall be … Tina … you’re going to go to those fabulous Connecticut schools and become a normal, feminine little girl …

  Tina: I’ll do my best, mom –

  Lola: And you’ll forget those horrible fantasies of yours of becoming a horrid prison matron –

  Tina: I just want you to be happy, Mom!

  Lola: I know. And Eat Me will calm down, and suddenly it will all become clear why we have a dog, and why he is so oddly named.

  Eat Me: Arf arf!.

  Lola: And my life will become placid and unglamorous and I’ll join the PTA.

  Tina: Aw Mom! The PTA.

  Lola: You said it, Tina. Because you’re my family, and after all, family is the most important thing in the world. What would we have without family?

  Tina: Why gee Mom, without family we’d have to become self-reliant!

  Lola: You’re so right Tina, and we wouldn’t want that, would we?

  Eat Me: Arf arf!

  Lola: Oh Tina … everything is so right … just and joyful, all we need to do now is make it truly clean!

  Tina: You don’t mean?

  Lola: Yes darling … yes … I think I’m getting the urge to iron!

  Tina: Not you, Mom!

  Lola: Yes Tina. Your mother is going to iron. Forget for a moment that she is a famous star who has rubbed noses with the great and near great, a woman who has dined with kings and hurled potatoes at princesses! No that’s all in the past now. And I think I’ll iron a plain cotton shirt. Do we have one?

  Tina: I have one, Mom!

  Lola: Oh Tina darling … somehow I knew you would. I’ll just iron and iron and iron. I’ll iron all our cares away. I’ll iron away the past and I’ll iron into the future. Do you suppose I should put it on steam?

  Tina: (getting her stuff) Gee Mom, if I were you I’d stick with permanent press.

  Movers: (singing still) Busy busy busy busy work work work

  Lola: Oh aren’t these movers industrious!

  Movers: Busy busy busy busy work work work

  Lola: And so musical – Tina you know I so rarely take time to talk to the little people who have made me what I am today … perhaps I shall begin now in my quiet secluded dream home. Hello … you … little person … come here.

  Malcolm: (dressed as a mover but pulls down his hat to hide his face) Who … me?

  Lola: Yes you, there, ordinary person. How are you? What is your life like?

  Malcolm: Oh … pretty ordinary.

  Lola: That is what I suspected. But it satisfies you, doesn’t it?

  Malcolm: Ahh … sure.

  Lola: A humdrum routine can be satisfying can’t it? You yourself probably have a home and a wife and a dog you can love.

  Malcolm: That’s right ma’am! Now if you’ll excuse me – (He goes back to moving)

  Lola: Wasn’t he quaint wasn’t he picturesque and real! Oh I feel somehow I shall love a man like him. One of course who is not himself already married. Tina … is the iron hot?

  Tina: Yea Mom.

  Lola: Oh don’t say “yea Mom” Tina, certainly you could learn to say “yes Mommy” and giggle like other little girls.

  Tina: I don’t like giggling.

  Lola: Oh you will, dear, once you meet a big strong handsome man and fall in love there will be lots to giggle at.

  Movers: Busy busy busy busy work work work

  Lola: They’re an energetic lot those little movers!

  Movers: Busy busy busy busy work work work

  Lola: And noisy too … do you have my apron Tina? I certainly couldn’t iron in this … (She takes off her fur coat with help from Eat Me. Tina brings a sequined apron which Lola puts on beneath her rhinestone studded blouse. Her sunglasses remain on.) Ahh … now … where do I begin.

  Tina: You could turn the iron on!

  Lola: Brilliant Tina. What a marvellous idea. And then … I suppose I should start ironing like any other wife and mother. Oh it will be idyllic. Now … where’s the switch –

  Tina: Here, mom –

  Lola: Thanks, Tina. Now all I have to do is actually begin ironing! Which I’m certain to do at any moment. This is quite an historic event, isn’t it. If there were reporters here, they would be snapping pictures like nobody’s business. But fortunately there are no reporters here.

  Tina: That’s for sure.

  Eat Me: Arf arf arf!

  Lola: At any moment now it will be time to iron. In fact I am picking up the iron now. Oooooo … it’s hot.

  Tina: Yea, well that’s the way irons are, mom.

  Lola: And the next step is I suppose to iron.

  Tina: You got it, Mom.

  Lola: Well … that’s what I shall do then. Immediately if not sooner. (She stares at the iron idly. The she holds the iron up. Suddenly all the movers whip off their mover outfits and underneath are wearing classic forties reporter outfits. They pick up cameras and snap pictures. Lola screams) AHHHH! Oh my God … Tina! Reporters!

  Tina: Oh … fuck!

  Lola: Tina darling … I told you not to say one
of the words you just said and that word’s not oh! (They continue to take pictures) No … no, stop this please … I came to Connecticut to get away … no more pictures please. Can’t you see … I’m just an ordinary person like you.

  Reporter 1: No, you’re not, Lola.

  Lola: Yes I am … yes I am!

  Reporter 2: No Lola … for the little people you can never be truly ordinary!

  Lola: But … but …

  Reporter 3: It’s true!

  Lola: No, it’s not true. I came to Connecticut to prove I can have a normal life like any other human being.

  Reporter 4: But you’re not human, Lola … you’re a star!

  Lola: Untrue untrue! False and misrepresented!

  Reporter 1: But what about the little people, Lola?

  All Reporters: The little people the little people!

  Lola: The little people I … almost forgot about them!

  All Reporters: How could you?

  Lola: Yes. How could I? To ignore the little people is to ignore life itself.

  All Reporters: The little people must know.

  Lola: How true. They have a right to know. All right. That decides the matter. I shall give ONE FINAL INTERVIEW.

  All Reporters: THE FINAL INTERVIEW! (All arrange themselves. Lola takes the fur coat and arranges it around her. She poses.)

  Reporter 1: How could you do this? How could you leave all your fans and leave Hollywood and the little people who love you?

  Lola: But I have not left.

  All Reporters: No?

  Lola: I’ve started a new life.

  All Reporters: (scribbling) A new life.

  Lola: Yes I’m still alive, I still laugh and cry, muse and eat dinner, only now I do things for real and not on a silver screen. Everyone needs reality, it’s an important part of everyone’s life. Except for myself. I have existed in a world of tinsel and sawdust, a mysterious world where anything can happen and often does. The real world is not like that. In the real world there are houses to clean and clothes to iron and lovely giggly feminine daughters and devoted dogs named Eat Me. It is to that mundane, even dull and boring world that I now belong.

  All Reporters: But Lola!

  Lola: Yes?

  All Reporters: How will you survive?

  Lola: I often ask myself that.

  All Reporters: And how do you answer?

  Lola: I answer like any ordinary person.

  All Reporters: And what do you say?

  Lola: I say, look Lola, you’ve had it all, the ups and downs, the big moments, the little moments, incredible highs, the huge disappointments. And what does it all boil down to? It boils down to being a wife and mother and having the love of your family. After all … (She is almost crying) What else is there? (Pause)

  Eat Me: Arf arf!

  Lola: Have you got that?

  All Reporters: Oh yes Lola yes yes yes!

  Lola: Thank you. That’s all for now.

  All Reporters: But Lola –

  Lola: No … I’m sorry … no more questions. I must have solitude, quiet, my peaceful, family life –

  All Reporters: Please, Lola –

  Lola: That is all. The little people will have to make do with that.

  Malcolm: (who also played the mover that Lola singled out earlier and is now dressed as a reporter) Lola –

  Lola: I told you I won’t answer anymore –

  Malcolm: (breathlessly) What about … Johnny Bad!

  All Reporters: (all gasp, as do Tina and the dog) Ooooooohhh!

  Lola: Johnny … who?

  Malcolm: Johnny Bad. (Pause) Don’t pretend that you don’t know the name, Lola. After all he’s been your lover for the past two years.

  Lola: Has he?

  Malcolm: (bravely) Yes, he has.

  Lola: I see. Who told you this?

  Malcolm: But everyone knows.

  Lola: They do?

  Lola: Listen to me. (A hush falls over the room. All stare at her tensely) The time I spent with Johnny (pause) Bad is over now. And will continue to be over … forever. To call him my lover is … (pause) inaccurate. We were – very close friends (They all scribble) that’s all. He was a very close friend of mine who treated me rather miserably. I suppose some would call that … love. I would not. But all that matters little. He is gone. Johnny Bad is merely a distant, rather repulsive memory. (They scribble) I will answer no more questions.

  All Reporters: (mumbling as they leave) Wow … that was amazing … the real truth about Johnny Bad I can’t wait to get back to the office and get this one on AP – (etc.)

  Malcolm: (remaining behind) But do you still love him?

  All Reporters:/Tina:/Eat Me: (gasp) EWWWWWWWW!

  Lola: (weirdly, putting her hands in her hair) What … did you say?

  Malcolm: I said … do you still love him?

  Lola: Who?

  Malcolm: Johnny … Bad?

  Lola: (screeching) GET OUT ALL OF YOU GET OUT. YOU PARASITES! MAGGOTS! FOR CHRIST’S SAKE LEAVE ME ALONE!

  All Reporters: All right already, we’re going … wow, she really need the rest … better leave her alone … (Etc. They exit, and only Malcolm, Tina and Eat Me are left)

  Malcolm: (carefully) I’m sorry … Lola –

  Lola: (fiercely) GET OUT! (Malcolm leaves)

  Tina: Hey, mom.

  Lola: (quietly, after a pause) Don’t say … hey, Tina.

  Tina: Sorry, Mom.

  Lola: And don’t say Mom. I’m your … mother.

  Tina: Yes, mother. Hey (pause) I mean … would you like to do some more … ironing?

  Lola: I think, Tina, that your mother has had enough ironing for today.

  Tina: Yea?

  Lola: Yes. Now … could you please leave me alone?

  Tina: Yea Mom. (Lola winces) I mean yes Mother.

  Lola: Good. Thank you very much darling. And take that dog with you.

  Eat Me: Arf arf!

  Tina: I hope you fell better, Mom. (She leads the dog off)

  Lola: (Pause. She is alone. She looks around the chaos of her new house, rather forlornly) How quiet it is. (pause) How lonely. (Pause, then forced cheerful) Don’t be silly Lola once it gets all spruced up with new curtains and some throw cushions it will be just … LOVELY (She suddenly breaks down crying and collapses on a couch somewhere in the corner. She cries for a moment and then suddenly a phone rings. The phone is on the opposite side of the room, hidden. She looks up) The phone (it rings again) But how could that be? I have no phone, (ring) At least that is, none was installed, (ring) Well perhaps it’s an old phone. One that should have been disconnected, (pause) Well then of course there’s no point in me answering then because the call is most probably in fact directed to the former tenants, (pause) There … I don’t have to worry. It stopped. Perhaps it was just in my imagination. (The phone rings) Perhaps not. (pause, then ring) No, there is definitely a phone ringing. Perhaps it would be in my best interests to answer it. (a ring) Perhaps it wouldn’t, (pause, a ring) This is silly Lola. Answer the stupid phone. You’ve told yourself you’ve got to grow up to be a human being and deal with the outside world, (ring) It’s probably one of the decorators, one of those rather effeminate character actors, I mean colour specialists. (ring) It’s probably one of them, (pause, ring.) You’re going to go crazy if you don’t answer it. answer IT FOR CHRIST sakes! (Ring. She goes over to the area where the ring comes from to look) Where is it? (ring) If I was in a movie, the maid would answer it. BEULAH! (ring) This isn’t a movie, Lola, you said it yourself. It’s real life. (Pause. She picks up the phone, listens, and then gets very tense. Music begins, the stage darkens.) Oh my god (Pause, very tense) How did you get this number? (pause) I’m going to hang up I’m going to hang up right now. I will. I mean. I am. (pause) No … it’s not true I’m very happy I’m here with Tina and Eat Me and Johnny no. (pause) You mustn’t. You’ll never find me and besides I never want to see you again I told you. Oh Johnny no please … I can’t stand it (a little voice) Y
es. (pause) Tell me again … what will you do to me? (pause) Oh please Johnny … come soon God Johnny … how I need you how I miss you … (she screams) AHHHH! (a shiver of pleasure) Whatever you say Johnny … whatever you say … yes … I can feel your hands on me now … yes I still have the marks … yes … but promise you won’t hit me this time … do you promise? You always promise (She rolls around on the couch. Suddenly Tina appears at the top of the stairs, dimly viewed, in hoy’s pajamas with her toy truck.)

  Tina: Mommy?

  Lola: Yes dear?

  Tina: Are you all right?

  Lola: Yes dear, your mother’s just fine. Now you go back to bed.

  Tina: Are you sure?

  Lola: Yes darling. Don’t worry. Nighty night.

  Tina: Night, Mom. (She goes part way upstairs but is still glimpsed watching her mother)

  Lola: (thinking she is gone) Oh God Johnny … don’t stop Johnny please tell me again what you’re going to do to me … please yes (She screams)

  AHHHH! Oh I miss you … I can’t tell you how much I miss you … (Lights dim.)

  SCENE TWO

  (Malcolm, the intrepid reporter is discovered on stage. It is late the next day. Lola is not up yet. Malcolm creeps in through the front door stealthily and looks around. Then he speaks.)

  Malcolm: (after a pause he looks around) Have you ever had a guilty secret? One that you didn’t dare tell anyone? Well I have. Yes. I have (pause) It’s a very horrible secret, so horrible I don’t dare tell anyone, (pause) And yet the strangest thing is I have a desire to tell everyone, to let everyone know. Even though I know my secret is wrong and the whole world would scorn me. You would scorn me. I know you would. You wouldn’t be able to take me seriously as a character or as a human being if I told you this but I have this urge to tell you this urge to tell someone and somehow I think that you would understand me. Because I think everyone has a deep dark secret somewhere. Don’t they? Well maybe they won’t admit it maybe you won’t admit it but you do. You know what. I think that if everyone in the world was willing to come out and talk about their deep dark secret then the world would be a better place. I really do. If people would get together in clubs or something and meet monthly with meetings and points of order and minutes and everything and talk about their guilty secrets then I think everyone would be a lot happier and calmer. At least I would be. And so would you. (pause) OK, I’ve got an idea. I want everyone to close their eyes really hard. Now that’s it. No peeking because if one person peeks then they’ll be the only one without a guilty secret. Everyone close them. That’s right. Now I want you to think about your guiltiest secret the weirdest most perverted thing you’ve ever wanted to do to anyone but you’ve never done. Are you thinking about it? Good. Now I want you to tell yourself that that dirty secret is OK. Good. Now open your eyes. There. Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we all loved our guilty secrets? I don’t know. Sometimes I feel guilty for thinking I shouldn’t be guilty. OH! Here she comes. (Lola enters with two decorators. She is wearing sunglasses and a dressing gown and the two decorators are very effeminate.)