The CTR Anthology

by Alan Filewod

  Lola: Well, here we are.

  Decorators: Oh yes.

  Lola: Quite a mess isn’t it?

  Decorators: Oh no … no …

  Lola: Do you think … something can be done?

  Decorators: Well hmmm … let me see …

  Lola: You see … the effect that I want is that everything about this house which is dirty or nasty or secret or in any way disgusting is … erased.

  Decorators: Ahhh.

  Lola: I would like everything to be bright and fresh and clean and no … remembrance of things past.

  Decorators: Ahhh … Proust.

  Lola: What?

  Decorators: Nothing.

  Lola: Do you think you could manage that?

  Decorators: It’s our specialty.

  Lola: Oh … it is?

  Decorators: We’re asked to do it all the time.

  Lola: Really?

  Decorators: Yes.

  Lola: I can’t imagine what it would be like … to be an interior decorator.

  Is it amusing? (Malcolm is peering out from under a chair where he is hiding.)

  Decorators: (sing)

  We

  take their little sadnesses

  and

  hold them in our hands

  our sweet and tender nature

  makes it easy

  makes it grand

  we siphon off their silliness

  the frothy stuff of dreams

  forgive forget

  it’s gone away

  loves like that

  so it seems

  to decorate

  to consecrate

  these hallowed old lies

  we cover up the past

  so they forget why they have cried

  Lola: (slightly perplexed) What an odd experience. I always imagined that as decorators you were concerned with colours and designs, naturally I assumed your effeminate natures had something to do with your close association with the aesthetic arts.

  Decorators: (they find their note)

  MMMMMMMMM

  Effeminate we are for sure

  and of it we are proud

  we hate all violent sentiments

  things nasty rude or loud

  devoted as we are

  to deleting memories

  a curtain covers up the pain

  but our emotions do not freeze

  we’re sensitive

  to past misdeeds

  we have some of our own

  we help sinners to

  start anew

  and enjoy their happy homes

  Lola: Well, perhaps calling me a sinner is overstating the case but let us just say that I have lived a full life and I want everything in the house to reflect my new positive family-oriented philosophy.

  Decorators: We understand. (They go off, looking at fabrics and humming to themselves.)

  LAAAAAAAA

  La la la

  la la la la

  laaaaaaaaaa (Etc.)

  Lola: What odd gentlemen. But I’m sure there’s a place for them in this world just as there is a place for every one of God’s creatures. (The doorbell rings) I’ll have to answer that. (She goes to the door and opens it. Music. Minoola Grump stands there looking very mean.)

  Minoola: MISS Starr.

  Lola: She is I.

  Minoola: I’m your neighbour, Minoola Grump.

  Lola: Oh Minoola, why I’ve never actually met you but I’ve seen you puttering around your immaculate house and garden –

  Minoola: There’s no use trying to soft-soap me. MAY I come in?

  Lola: Why certainly but …

  Minoola: I’m so glad to see that you are not completely moved in. Is there any place for me to sit?

  Lola: Why certainly, Miss Grump. (She gestures to a chair. Minoola sits uncomfortably) would you like some tea or coffee? Or … perhaps a hot buttered bun?

  Minoola: It’s no use trying to buy me off with depraved foodstuffs. I know your kind. (Malcolm is still under the couch where Lola is sitting. He peers up from between her legs.)

  Lola: And why Miss Grump … (getting a little testy) what could you possibly mean by that?

  Minoola: I’ll tell you what I mean. I’ll be frank and get to the point. There’s no sense in beating around the proverbial bush with women like you. Well, to put it bluntly, Miss Starr, we don’t want your kind here.

  Lola: And what kind is that?

  Minoola: Do I need to tell you?

  Lola: (holding her own) Yes. I have no idea what you –

  Minoola: Don’t play innocent with me, missy. How many times is it you’ve been married?

  Lola: Well actually approximately (screws up her face) not counting Nicky Tippler who was –

  Minoola: You don’t even know! You can’t even remember how many times you have been married!

  Lola: I can too. I just didn’t know whether to count Nicky or not because the experience was so short. (Pause. Minoola frowns) That is, I’m not speaking of Nicky himself I’m speaking of the length of the – oh my – (Embarrassed)

  Minoola: You just can’t stop, can you? Whatever you do filth just spews out of every orifice. Well, Miss Starr, I’m a decent God-fearing woman and I’ve owned a house in this neighbourhood for twenty years and I don’t think I want to see this neighbourhood going to the dogs. (Tina and Eat Me appear on the stairs.)

  Eat Me: Arf arf!

  Minoola: You see what I mean?

  Lola: Miss Grump.

  Minoola: Yes.

  Lola: May I have the floor for a moment?

  Minoola: Go right ahead. And while you are at it you should wash it. It looks pretty filthy.

  Lola: (coldly) Thank you. I suppose it has never occurred to you, Miss Grump, that people can change.

  Minoola: (intense) Oh really, can they?

  Lola: I have an intense personal belief in the power of human beings to mend their ways. It’s true that in the past I have led an existence which at the very least might be called irresponsible –

  Minoola: HAH!

  Lola: And at the very most might be called wanton –

  Minoola: Fiddlesticks. You’re a slut and a harlot!

  Lola: No … it’s not true –

  Minoola: All you’re interested in is sex –

  Lola: No … (She collapses on the couch) No … stop … please, you’re torturing me.

  Minoola: (like a viper) From what I hear about your sex life you probably wouldn’t find that very unpleasant –

  Lola: (screams) Get out of my house, you dried-up old hag!

  Minoola: This isn’t a house! It’s an ex-pornographic movie theatre.

  Minoola: It’s not, it’s a quaint old historic vaudeville theatre which will soon be my home.

  Minoola: But I hold the mortgage!

  Lola: But the mortgage is held by sweet old Miss Scroton down the street –

  Minoola: She’s a front!

  Lola: A … a front –

  Minoola: – (getting up on the couch) Yes, Miss Starr, I can have you turned out of this smelly smut palace at any moment. And if you don’t mend your ways as of this second I’ll see you lying in the gutter where you belong! (She starts to cackle loudly and jump up and down on the couch. Malcolm screams and bounds out.)

  Malcolm: Don’t you dare talk to Lola Starr like that!

  Lola: Oh my God.

  Eat Me: Arf arf!

  Minoola: Miss Starr … who is this man?

  Lola: I … I don’t know –

  Malcolm: She is a sweet, honest, caring and loving person. She’s just had a few bad breaks!

  Minoola: Men under the couch! Next thing you know it will be … communists! That’s it! I’m reporting you to the police!

  Lola: FOR WHAT?

  Minoola: FOR BEING WANTON!

  Lola: THAT’S NOT A FELONY!

  Minoola: I’LL MAKE IT ONE. MY SON IS THE CHIEF OF POLICE (She exits cackling)

  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHH!

  Lola: (collapses cryi
ng) AHHHHHHH!

  Eat Me: Arf arf arf.

  Tina: (heroic) Hey Mom, are you okay?

  Malcolm: Don’t cry, Lola, please. (He takes out his camera and snaps a picture of her, crying)

  Lola: What are you doing?

  Malcolm: I’m just … taking a picture –

  Lola: Who do you think you are?

  Malcolm: My name is Malcolm Inklepoop. I’m a reporter.

  Lola: Inklepoop? Your name is Inklepoop?

  Malcolm: Yes it is. Oh Lola, you of all people must know what it’s like to be saddled with an offensive past –

  Lola: What were you doing under my couch?

  Malcolm: Well I was … hiding there because –

  Lola: Why?

  Malcolm: Because –

  Lola: Get down on your knees.

  Malcolm: Yes ma’am. (He does, quivering) What is it, ma’am?

  Lola: Miss Starr to you. Now did I not say no more reporters?

  Malcolm: Well, yes you did but –

  Lola: And what are you –

  Malcolm: Well, I’m more than a reporter, I’m a devoted fan.

  Lola: Can’t you see what happened? I had the possibility of convincing this witch that I had changed my lifestyle, that at last I had become a decent God-fearing church-going woman and one more minute with her and I would have convinced her but –

  Tina: Oh Mom, do you really think you could have convinced her of –

  Lola: (threateningly) Shut up, Tina. (pause) And you … you ruined everything. My life is ruined. My new life … my new dream home perhaps I shouldn’t have tried to make a home out of a vaudeville theatre, it is such an odd smelling place, though historic … what has it all come to … (Collapses on the couch) all I wanted was love … and perhaps a little sex now and then … but not often and it doesn’t have to be good sex that is … as long as we can go out occasionally to a party … I like parties and seeing people, trying to have a good time … that’s all I wanted and I was going to try and raise my daughter here like a little lady, and now it’s all ruined because of you –

  Tina: Oh Mom … I’m never going to be a lady –

  Lola: Shut up, Tina, speak when you’re spoken to! (She starts crying again) And you … you little Inkle-what?

  Malcolm: Poop.

  Lola: You little Inklepoop, you spoiled everything.

  Malcolm: I’m sorry, Lola.

  Lola: Sorry isn’t good enough. Get up. (Malcolm does) Promise me you’ll never darken my door again.

  Malcolm: (repentant) I promise.

  Lola: Good. Now go away.

  Malcolm: Lola.

  Lola: MISS Starr.

  Malcolm: Miss Starr.

  Lola: Yes.

  Malcolm: I’m sorry. I worship the ground you walk on.

  Lola: I understand. But that’s no excuse. (Pause. He leaves, hanging his head)

  Eat Me: (whimpers) Eugh eugh.

  Lola: Shut up, Eat Me. (Eat Me curls up in the corner.)

  Tina: Why did you get so mad at him, Mom?

  Lola: Mother, I’m you mother, Tina. Because he is an odious little man and he ruined my tea with the new neighbour.

  Tina: The new neighbour already thinks you’re a slut –

  Lola: Tina, if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t open your mouth.

  Tina: Well, I kind of like him.

  Lola: Who?

  Tina: That Inklepoop guy. I think he’s neat.

  Lola: Neat is not what I’m looking for in a man, Tina. Nicky Tippler has been described as “neat” but he certainly knew nothing about satisfying a woman like myself.

  Tina: Mom.

  Lola: Yes, Tina.

  Tina: Can I ask you something?

  Lola: Of course you know I am always open to a frank and caring discussion on any topic as such a discussion may be important to your development as a young woman.

  Tina: Yea, but can I ask you something?

  Lola: Of course.

  Tina: What are you looking for in a man?

  Lola: What an odd question to ask your mother.

  Tina: Well I just wondered because well … last night well I may be wrong but I thought I heard the phone ring and so did Eat Me and we got up and I was sitting on the stairs remember and was it him?

  Lola: Why, what do you mean, Tina? (Music)

  Tina: Was it … Johnny? (Music)

  Lola: Why, Tina, I told you your mother is not having anything to do with him any more …

  Tina: But Mom, you were acting like you used to … before and –

  Lola: Tina, please. I refuse to talk about this any longer. Your mother is very tired.

  Tina: Can I just say one more thing?

  Lola: Just one.

  Tina: Mom, if he ever tries to hurt you again I would like to kill him.

  Lola: Tina! What are you talking about?

  Tina: You heard me. I bought this. (She takes out a gun.)

  Lola: Where did you get that?

  Tina: I bought it.

  Lola: Tina, give me that gun this minute.

  Tina: No, I have a right to protect myself. And you.

  Lola: Tina, have you gone crazy? Give me that gun right now.

  Tina: I won’t. Mom. I love you. And I don’t want you to get hurt. It was okay at first because at first with you and Johnny I thought it was like a game. But now I know it’s real. That he’s really hurting you. And I want it to stop. And I’ll do anything to stop it. Anything.

  Lola: I’m sorry Tina … but there are some things that grown-ups do that you don’t … fully understand.

  Tina: I understand that people shouldn’t want to hurt themselves. That’s wrong.

  Lola: No, Tina, you don’t understand. You don’t understand anything. (She makes a rush for the gun.)

  Tina: Stay away from me – if you don’t care about yourself then I do – (She runs off. Eat Me follows.)

  Eat Me: Arf arf –

  Lola: Tina, you come back here. Eat Me, you come back here too … the two of you … (She yells out the door.) Tina, OH … (She leaves the door open and goes back to the couch. She stares off. Music. The wind blows and some leaves come in the door. The door swings once or twice. A shadow appears and looms larger. Johnny Bad appears finally in silhouette. He stands there looking at her for a moment. Lola does not turn around, but she knows he’s there. He is smoking a cigarette.)

  Johnny: Hey.

  Lola: (not turning) Yes?

  Johnny: Hey, babe.

  Lola: Johnny?

  Johnny: Yea?

  Lola: Oh, Johnny. (She turns, slowly) I told you not to … come here.

  Johnny: Didja?

  Lola: Yes –

  Johnny: So what.

  Lola: Well –

  Johnny: That never stopped me before.

  Lola: No, I guess it didn’t. (Pause, she moves away) Oh Johnny, you mustn’t, that is I … I’m starting a new life I have a lovely new home in a lovely neighbourhood and I’ve started decorating and –

  Johnny: Shut up.

  Lola: What?

  Johnny: I said. Shut up.

  Lola: All right.

  Johnny: I’ll tell you when to open that big mouth of yours and what for.

  Johnny: Yes Johnny. (Pause)

  Johnny: Didja miss me?

  Lola: Well actually –

  Johnny: (a hoarse whisper, goading her) Come on Lola … tell me, didja miss your Johnny? Eh? Eh?

  Lola: Well now you see I’ve had lots to occupy me what with colour swatches and the new drapes and ironing I’ve just been ironing endlessly, you haven’t lived Johnny until you’ve discovered the joys of ironing –

  Johnny: (hoarser still) I said … didja … MISS ME? (Pause)

  Lola: Yes Johnny yes. (pause) I missed you.

  Johnny: How much.

  Lola: Very much.

  Johnny: Are you wet for me baby? (pause)

  Lola: Very … wet. (pause)

  Johnny: Come here.

  Lola: (pause) No.
/>   Johnny: I said … come here. (She does. He slaps her.)

  Lola: (screams) AHHH!

  Johnny: You bitch. What the fuck are you doing? Trying to get away from me –

  Lola: But Johnny –

  Johnny: (grabbing her as the lighting and music become very film noir) Listen to me, you bitch. Don’t you ever try and get away from me again. You hear me?

  Lola: Yes, Johnny.

  Johnny: (shaking her) YOU HEAR ME?

  Lola: Ow Johnny … you’re hurting me!

  Johnny: Oh poor little Lola’s getting hurt. (He throws her down.)

  Lola: AHHHH!

  Johnny: And there’s more where that came from –

  Lola: Johnny … no –

  Johnny: What is it –

  Lola: I don’t want to do this any more, I can’t –

  Johnny: That’s what you always say. COME HERE –

  Lola: No.

  Johnny: YES.

  Lola: NO – (He lunges at her, she screams) AHHHH. Stay away from me –

  Johnny: (yelling) COME HERE YOU BITCH! (He lunges at her, grabs her and starts hitting her. She screams. Tina appears in the doorway.)

  Lola: Johnny quick go out the back –

  Tina: I’m here Mom –

  Johnny: What the –

  Lola: She’s got a gun – quick, that way –

  Tina: (fires the gun) Hey you – (A police siren is heard. Johnny runs out the back. Tina runs in. Lola collapses on the couch.)

  Lola: Oh God help me …