The CTR Anthology

by Alan Filewod

Tina: Mom, are you all right –

  Lola: Shut the door.

  Tina: But –

  Lola: SHUT THE DOOR! (Tina slams it.)

  Tina: Mom, I told you –

  Lola: SHHH. (A banging on the door. A voice)

  Voice: Open up. It’s the police. (They bang on the door. Music. Tableau of Lola terrified as she looks at her daughter who stands over her with the gun. More banging on the door) Open up. I said OPEN UP!

  (More music. The lights dim.)

  ACT TWO

  SCENE ONE

  During the intermission the set has changed considerably. Lola has done quite a bit of cleaning and decorating – with the help of professionals, of course – and the old grimy haunted-looking house has somehow managed to look perky and cheerful with throw cushions and curtains everywhere. Two things are very important, a) that the haunted-house feeling still peeks through the makeover; that there is the subtlest reminder of horror behind it all and b) that everything is spotlessly, obsessively neat and clean.

  Lola enters. She is wearing a bright polka dot fifties dress, very Lucille Ball or Laura Petrie. She looks like the model of the fifties housewife. She walks in, looks around, sighs. Lovely music. She plumps cushions or something and runs her finger along a table to check for dirt. The doorbell rings.

  Lola: (singsong) Oh … it must be them. (She checks her watch) My … right on time. (doorbell rings) Tina, Eat Me! (sound of dog barking as Eat Me rushes in. Tina stands at the top of the stairs looking very unhappy in a dress identical to her mother’s).

  Tina: Do I have to?

  Lola: Yes darling, oh Eat Me … calm yourself down please, down boy – oh my, some day, dear, you’ll explain to me why we have this dog. (doorbell) Oh, I’ll have to answer that. (She sails over to the door. Opens it. Three bearded and bespectacled men stand there. They carry note pads and are wearing white gloves. They are played by Johnny Bad, Malcolm and the Police Chief but are unrecognizable because of beards and spectacles.) Oh, it is you. (Smiling) The gentlemen from the Norwich Junior League and PTA Clean Council and 4-H Club?

  Clean Council: That is us.

  Lola: Won’t you come in?

  Clean: Thank you. (They walk in, look around.)

  Lola: Can I get you anything? Coffee? Tea? (Pause) Holy water?

  Clean: Not for us, thanks.

  Lola: Well then, won’t you sit down?

  Clean: (with utmost disdain) No.

  Lola: No? You prefer to remain erect?

  Clean: Yes. Thank you.

  Lola: Well then … I hope this meets with your approval, that is, we’ve been working for months.

  Clean: Uh-huh.

  Lola: And at last, I think we have gotten the house truly clean.

  Clean: We?

  Lola: Well I myself and … I’m sorry, I should have introduced you to my daughter Tina.

  Clean: What a cute little girl. (Tina frowns.)

  Lola: Say hellow, Tina.

  Tina: (after a pause) Hi.

  Lola: Now curtsey.

  Tina: Fuck off.

  Lola: Tina.

  Tina: I will not fucking curtsey.

  Lola: Tina darling –

  Eat Me: Arf arf.

  Lola: Oh and our beloved and faithful dog, Eat Me.

  Eat Me: Arf arf.

  Clean: (recoiling) House-trained?

  Lola: Yes, of course. It’s not easy keeping a house clean with a rambunctious canine and a daughter who’s a bit of a tomboy –

  Tina: Fucking right I am, get me out of this stupid –

  Lola: But we manage.

  Tina: I hate this silly –

  Lola: Shh, Tina. (Pause) So.

  Clean: So.

  Lola: So … the big question … is it truly … (She walks over and poses beside a chair) clean?

  All: The Big Question. (The look at each other and sing.)

  CLEAN. Is it truly clean

  Is it truly clean

  We’re not being mean

  Is it truly clean

  Does it really shine

  We don’t mean to whine

  Is it truly clean

  Clean … clean

  All: Clean … clean … clean

  Is it truly clean

  Clean: We don’t mean to bitch

  All: Is it truly clean

  Clean: But is it without a hitch

  All: Is it truly clean

  It’s not our desire

  Nor do we aspire

  To be merely neat

  For that’s no feat

  Lola: No … not a feat (Music plays under this, she speaks) More than clean you mean without a blemish or a mistake you mean good and healthy and right and true, more than clean I think you mean truly honest and caring and loving, after all it’s family values we’re referring to here, isn’t it?

  All: Family! So …

  Is it truly clean

  Clean: Not a spec of

  nasty stuff

  All: Is it truly clean

  Clean: We panic

  If we see dog fluff!

  Eat Me: Arf arf!

  All: Is it truly clean

  Lola/Eat Me: Truly, truly clean!

  All: Is it merely clean

  Lola/Eat Me: No, truly clean!

  All: IS IT TRULY CLEAN

  YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEANNNNNNNN!

  Lola: giggling cutely) Oh, that was fun. And I do think I know what you mean by clean. And I think you’ve come to the right place to find true cleanliness. Oh gentlemen, I do so want to get the Norwich Junior League and Clean Council and 4-H Club Seal of Approval. I’ve had my heart set on it. What do you say?

  All: Let’s have a look. (They hummm the clean song as they look around) La la la la la Clean clean La la la la la Clean clean (Etc. this goes on for a minute as they take notes, then suddenly they discover something in the corner) OH NO! (They all recoil in horror as they pull back some chintz to reveal a large fresh-looking pile of dog poop on the floor.)

  Lola: What is it?

  All: It’s … it’s … dog no no.

  Lola: Dog no no?

  All: Yes.

  Lola: I’m sorry, what is that, I don’t know what you –

  All: THIS. (They point to dog poop.)

  Lola: (screams) AHHHHH! My god, that looks horrible.

  All: IT CERTAINLY DOES.

  Lola: And it … smells fresh … (She turns suddenly savage) EAT ME. EAT ME. where ARE YOU, I’ll kill you!

  Eat Me: (howling) ARHGHGHGHGHGH.

  Lola: I’ll kill you. (She grabs him and starts to beat him.) You stupid dog I’ve always hated you I’ve never understood why we have you around you’re supposed to be heroic but you’ve never done anything heroic I can’t stand it you ruined my life you stupid ugly dog!

  Eat Me: (howling) ARGHGHGHGHGH.

  All: (embarrassed) Well, excuse us, yes, we’ll just go –

  Lola: I’m going to CHOP YOU UP AND HAVE DOG MEAT FOR DINNER

  FRESH MUTT FOR LUNCH AND WE CAN EAT DOGGIE PIES FOR LEFTOVERS I

  HATE YOU YOU DISGUSTING MONGREL –

  All: Yes. Well, goodbye. Thank you. Nice meeting you (Etc. They exit.)

  Lola: (Eat Me bites her.) Ow … you bit me … you stupid mutt I hate you you’ve ruined my life I had a chance things were going to be different (She starts to cry, resting her head on the couch.)

  Tina: (approaching her, tentatively) Mom, I – (The doorbell rings.)

  Lola: Oh Tina darling … could you get that … I’m having a nervous breakdown at the moment –

  Tina: Yea Mom. (She opens the door and Minoola Grump stands there)

  Minoola: MISS Starr.

  Lola: Oh my god …

  Minoola: And don’t try and pretend you’re not home … trying to get the Norwich Junior League Clean Council PTA and 4-H Club Seal of Approval. Well, it’s impossible. You’ll never get it … and you know why? Because you’re a sleazy disgusting mess, that’s why. And your life is a mess and it always will be because you’re a slut.

>   Lola: LEAVE ME ALONE!

  Minoola: I won’t leave you alone, your house is under police surveillance now you wiggled out of the last one but my son is the chief of police and one wrong move and we’ll get you your days are numbered Miss SLUT Lola Starr … HAhahahahahahahahahahaha!

  Eat Me: Arf arf.

  Minoola: And your little dog too … (She cackles wildly and leaves. Pause. Tina looks at her mother.)

  Tina: Well, Mom.

  Lola: Yes dear. (Pause)

  Tina: Things aren’t going too shit hot for us are they?

  Lola: I wish you could learn to express yourself without using expletives, darling.

  Tina: I’m sorry, Mom. I really wish I could be the little girl you want me to be but I just can’t. I hope you don’t mind.

  Lola: Well it’s just one more hope, one more dream shattered in the –

  Tina: You know what, Mom.

  Lola: (sitting on the couch, forlornly) No, what.

  Tina: I think I know what your problem is.

  Lola: Well I’d be grateful for any help you could give me, I’ve been trying to lead a normal life like any other boring little person and it’s just not working.

  Tina: That’s just it, Mom, you’re not being normal. During the day you act really normal and put on a silly dress and wash and try to iron –

  Lola: That’s not fair, Tina, I almost did a blouse yesterday –

  Tina: Face it, Mom, you’ll NEVER be able to iron. It’s just not in you.

  Lola: Oh, I know, Tina.

  Tina: And at night, well at night … he comes to visit and beats you up again and you just revert to your old ways –

  Lola: Well he promised he wouldn’t hit me any more … that is, not as hard as he used to –

  Tina: But he always does, Mom. Now look at me, Mom.

  Lola: Yes.

  Tina: Do you really love him?

  Lola: Well I –

  Tina: Or are you just addicted to him?

  Lola: Well … I don’t know …

  Tina: You know who I think would be really good for you?

  Lola: You mean … a man?

  Tina: Yes.

  Lola: Who?

  Tina: Malcolm.

  Lola: Malcolm? Malcolm who?

  Tina: Malcolm Inklewhatever. That little reporter.

  Lola: Oh Tina … you’re not serious. He’s one of the little people. I couldn’t …

  Tina: But he loves you, Mom, I’ve watched him. He REALLY loves you. I don’t think Johnny loves you.

  Lola: You don’t?

  Tina: No. If he loved you then he wouldn’t … hurt you like that.

  Lola: Well … you may be right, Tina –

  Tina: It’s like … you’ve been living a double life … fake homemaker by day and abused woman by night …

  Lola: But Tina … I just can’t leave him …

  Tina: But … why?

  Lola: You’re too young to understand …

  Tina: Then I think we’ve got to kill him before he kills you.

  Lola: But … Tina I … can’t allow myself to feel such a thing or even think it but Tina I know I’ve often hoped or wished or just mused over the idea that something might happen to Johnny that he might get in an accident or just die (Music. They look at each other.)

  Tina: It could be arranged, Mom –

  Lola: No … I won’t listen it’s horrible and evil and cruel and (pause)

  How?

  Tina: Well … the plan is … now listen, Mom, I want you to throw out all your preconceptions about right and wrong because I think that’s the problem here you have to stop thinking of me as this perfect little girl and start realizing what I am. Mom I’m a … a tomboy.

  Lola: A tomboy? That’s not so awful, you’ll grow out of –

  Tina: Mom, I think I’m a tomboy who will never stop being a tomboy.

  Do you know what I mean?

  Lola: (staring at her oddly) I … think so …

  Tina: I’m not sure I know what it means myself but the point is this Mom I’m only 17 years old and I’m still a kid according to the law and that means that if I kill Johnny then they’ll just send me to reform school for a couple of years and you know how much I’ve always wanted to grow up to be a prison matron well I don’t know how to explain this to you Mom but I’ve just got this feeling that being in reform school with all those other tomboy type girls would just be a dream come true for me –

  Lola: (talking out a hanky) But darling … I wanted so much for you to attend one of those lovely Connecticut boarding schools –

  Tina: Those girls are sissies, Mom. I wouldn’t be happy there. I need to be around real WOMEN.

  Lola: Aren’t I a real woman?

  Tina: Of course you are, Mom, you’re even more of real woman sort of than me, but that’s okay, we’re just different. I think I’m more like Dad than you.

  Lola: Well … (She gazes at her) You always were so much like your father …by the way … how is your father?

  Tina: He wrote to me about a month ago, he’s starting to like Alcatraz. They’re letting him keep some birds.

  Lola: Oh … how sweet. (Pause)

  Tina: Well, what do you say. Are you going to let me take the rap for you and get you out of this stupid mess or what, eh?

  Lola: Well, Tina, I … no … I won’t do it … I won’t be an accomplice to … murder …

  Tina: Tell me something.

  Lola: What.

  Tina: You know he’s a horrible piece of rotting infected pus, don’t you?

  Lola: Well –

  Tina: Admit it. He’s the lowest of lows, he’s a crook and I think he hates women –

  Lola: But –

  Tina: Men who love women don’t beat the shit out of them – besides he’ll end up killing you, anyways it’s almost self defence –

  Lola: Oh Tina –

  Tina: Look at me, Mom. Why is it? What makes him so special? Is it because he has a …

  Lola: Tina.

  Tina: What.

  Lola: What are you saying?

  Tina: You know what I’m saying, Mom.

  Lola: No I don’t, of course I don’t. (Pause)

  Tina: A big –

  Lola: Don’t say it, Tina.

  Tina: Well, that’s the only thing I can think of. Because I can’t see why you –

  Lola: Tina, I can’t imagine how you could ever think such a disgusting thought and I’m thoroughly annoyed and offended by the mere suggestion of what you (Sits down, pause, she looks off dreamily) It’s enormous, Tina.

  Tina: That’s what I thought… (pause)

  Lola: You’ve never in your life seen anything like it. When I first saw it I … I almost fainted. It’s just … gargantuan, Tina. He’s … ruined me for other men. (pause)

  Tina: And that’s the whole reason? The only reason.

  Lola: I … I’m afraid so, Tina.

  Tina: But Mom … it’s not worth it –

  Lola: You’ve never seen –

  Tina: Mom, I mean … you can find another … thing like that somewhere but what about your self esteem.

  Lola: Self esteem –

  Tina: Yea … who’s the dog shit, you or him. You know that dog shit you found under the table just now – the reason you got upset and strangled poor Eat Me is because you know what the dog shit in your life is, the dog shit of the world it’s Johnny Bad and we’ve got to kill him –

  Lola: Oh Tina … I can’t believe I’m actually imagining we might … do this … you know Tina … it might work … I mean it seems evil and cruel and wrong but then I have always lived outside society’s rules.

  Tina: If you’re going to live outside society then you REALLY have to do it all the way. Besides, it’s society that’s made those rules that turned you into this passive woman who accepts that a man has a right to beat on you. And if you don’t kill him he’ll go on to beat on other women, women who are anaesthetized by society’s double standard.

  Lola: Tina, your arguments are
so terribly eloquent for one so young and living in the 1950s.

  Tina: I’m ahead of my time, Mom.

  Lola: Let’s do it. But what’s the plan?

  Tina: Well. When are you expecting him?

  Lola: Well, I don’t know … he didn’t say, that is I …

  Tina: When.

  Lola: Well … any minute, actually.

  Tina: Good. Now this is what we do. You get him in here, and when you’ve got him in a vulnerable position like he’s on the couch or something bang on the wall and see and I’ll come out to the landing and I’ll shoot him.

  Tina: Oh, Tina … do you think it will work?

  Tina: I know it will.

  Lola: All right. You’d better go up, he’ll be here any minute.

  Tina: Okay.

  Lola: And Tina … one more thing.

  Tina: Yes?

  Lola: I love you, darling … and thank you.

  Tina: No problem, Mom. (She exits upstairs. Lola looks around. The room is getting darker. It seems to be dusk. She is alone.)

  Lola: (music under) It’s so cold, (pause) How could I say yes? Am I becoming insane? What did my daughter just ask me, what did she say? (pause) And I said yes. Yes was the word I spoke to her. I am complicit. (pause) How could I say I would – because I just … it’s true that he attracts me, terribly, and it’s true that he is very masterful but sometimes when he hurts me, well, it started out to be a game and then suddenly, he’s hitting me and it hurts, it really hurts, and I beg him to stop and I suddenly realize … he doesn’t really care about me – there’s so much anger in him and he doesn’t care, and then I feel am I worth so little that no one cares about me … that no one really cares? How can he do that to me? Leave me so alone when I need him? (pause) Well I suppose it’s important right now for you, the audience the little people … for I know you’re out there the little people I know it’s important for you to know something about why, something of my motivation. (She suddenly gets very teary-eyed.) I DO love you … I do love you all, and I know secretly, in your hearts even though I’ve decided to leave the movies for a few years to get my life in order as it were to pick up the pieces that you know all of you that I am doing this so that some day … some day I can make a comeback and be with you all again because … you … the little people, I need you … and you need me and perhaps the only real relationship I have is with you. Now I know even though this play is just supposed to be a light commercial comedy and everything it’s still murder and I must don’t honestly feel as an actress and a human being that I can go on, that I can do this deed if I don’t get the encouragement I need from you. So listen to me, all of you, all the little people out there help me … if you think I should go on living a tragic split-personality existence attached to this horrid piece of pond slime named Johnny Bad who abuses me mercilessly then don’t clap now at all but if you believe in your heart of hearts that I have a right to exist to be happy, to make my own life with a man who really loves me even if it means doing away forcibly with a piece of woman hating toad droppings named Johnny Bad if you believe I have such a right as a woman and as a human being but most of all as an actress then give the courage … don’t let me down … if you believe in all this and yes I will say it I must say it because this is after all a play, theatre magic, if you believe in FAERIES then put your hands together and clap. (She waits. The audience will burst into spontaneous applause. If they don’t then a tape will be played which bursts into spontaneous applause for them. When Lola hears it, vindicated, she raises her arms, then bursts into spontaneous tears of joy. Then there is a knock on the door.) Oh my God. It’s him. (pause) Can I, will I? Should I? (pauses) You’ve given me permission, you’ve told me I can. (Another knock) Oh no. I’m so frightened suddenly. Why is this house so empty, so lonely? Why can I never make it home? Will I ever have a home? (Another knock) Lola … the only reason this house has never really been truly clean is because you’ve bothered so much with the externals, you have to do an internal housecleaning before you do an external one. (Another knock, very loud) Well then let the real housecleaning now begin. (She goes to the door and opens it. Johnny stands there. He seems to be wearing a silk scarf made up of different colours.)