Leviathan's Lament

by Kaye Draper

  Grey covered his hand, stopping his fidgeting as he started to wind up. “Whoa. Chill. Jesus!” She’d never seen Mat look that agitated before.

  Mat shook his head, his eyes wide, looking like he was still shocked by the revelation. “All these years, all I had do was just say something, and....” He sighed, deflating. “But none of that mattered by then. Because this new thing with you and the others...Grey, it feels right, and it feels serious— and I don’t usually do serious! So I let him go. I let him walk away and I told him not to fuck up the band and I...I chose you.”

  Grey swallowed hard. “Did you?”

  Mat closed his eyes and his voice cracked. “I tried to. I tried so damned hard.” A tremulous smile crossed his lips. “But I’m kind of terrible at saying no, Grey, in case you haven’t noticed.”

  “What happened?” She didn’t want to know, and yet...she did. She wanted to know it all before she said something she’d regret.

  He straightened and sucked in a deep breath, clearly bracing himself for a beating. “The night he called...he was having some sort of PTSD episode or whatever. He hadn’t slept in almost a week and he was trying to drink himself unconscious, but he said he kept wanting to leave. He said he was afraid he was going to go wandering off to the siren.” He swallowed. “He was so scared, Grey. I’ve never seen anything like it. I tried to get him to come home with me so you could help him, but he kept refusing. Kept saying everyone there hated him and that you were only helping him out of guilt, not because you cared.” He sighed. “He was just completely stuck in this self-loathing thing.” His shoulders slumped. “So I took him home to his apartment, sat with him so he could get some sleep without worrying he’d sleepwalk. And...I kissed him.”

  Grey narrowed her eyes at him. “You kissed him. That’s it? And you want me to believe that ’s why you both look so guilty every time I’m in the same room? One little pity kiss?”

  He sighed. “No. It wasn’t just pity. And you know there’s more to faithfulness than sex.”

  Grey let out a short laugh. “So you didn’t fuck him, but that doesn’t mean anything because what you’re saying is, you’re in love with him.” Weird as it sounded, a simple, meaningless fuck would have been less of a problem. What Mat was saying was way, way worse.

  “So what does this mean?” Grey said, feeling stiff and wooden. She knew damned well what it meant. It meant she was no longer wanted because Mat had landed himself a fucking hot-as-hell male model who he’d been in love with all his life.

  Mat’s hands covered hers this time, taking them both and engulfing them in his. “Grey. Sweetheart. I can’t...I don’t...this fucking saying what you feel shit is hard. Especially when it really matters!”

  Grey managed a short laugh at that. “You’re telling me. You’re not the one getting dumped...if it even counts as that at this point in our non-existent relationship.”

  Mat closed his eyes. “I’m not dumping you, Grey. Will you listen? I’m saying I love you both. What I feel for Steff is strong, yeah. It’s been there forever. But what I feel for you...it terrifies me, Grey. Because it feels like it’ll be every bit as strong, if given half a chance.” He bit his lip, then soldiered on. “You were never just a fleeting interest, and I’m sorry if I ever made you feel that way. I just...I suck at this. At relationships that last more than an hour or two between the sheets.”

  Grey met his eyes. “Are you trying to say...?” Shit, she couldn’t get the words out either.

  “I still want there to be an us , Grey. You have no idea how much. But...I want him too. Is that...can we make that work?”

  Grey’s chest hurt from holding her breath so long. Groaning, she reached over and slapped Mat on the side of the head. “Seriously?”

  Mat blinked at her as he rubbed his sore head. “What?”

  “You’re totally fine with me being with Luca and Ethan, and yet you couldn’t just come out and say you wanted to be with someone else too? I thought you were dumping me, Matheus! I thought...I thought....”

  “That I was already fucking him, because I’m just a giant man-whore anyway?”

  Grey snapped her mouth shut. She had thought that, actually. She was such an asshole. And a judgmental, narrow-minded one at that. “I’m sorry, Mat. That wasn’t fair of me.”

  He shrugged. “I don’t blame you, honestly. I would have thought the same thing. And I wanted to talk to you about it, I swear. I was just afraid and confused at first, then all that other bullshit was going on....”

  Grey let out a long sigh. “Are you sure you still want a relationship with me? That other bullshit is just part of the package with me, you know?”

  He smiled and pressed his forehead to hers. “No doubts.”

  Grey pulled back and looked at his face, wishing she could know what he was feeling. He was just too good at hiding. “What about Steffen? How does he feel about all this?”

  Mat gave her a rueful look. “I don’t know. I haven’t had a chance to talk to him about it when he wasn’t piss drunk or having a panic attack. Plus, I didn’t know what you’d say. I wasn’t going to approach him if you weren’t on board.”

  Grey’s heart ached, but she knew it had to be said. “If he’s not okay with us...I want you to choose him, Mat.”

  Mat blinked at her in surprise. “I...but....”

  Grey could see the hurt in his eyes, the surprise that she’d just give him up that easy. “It’s not like that, Mat. I want you in my life, more than anything. But I’m not exactly alone.” She smirked at that—gods was she ever not alone. “I have people to look out for me. I have so much love around me, but...I don’t think Steffen does. He’s alone. And I think he’s felt alone for a long time. He needs you.” She shrugged. “Not that I don’t need you too. But he needs you more. And...you both deserve to be happy.” She snorted. “It’s not like he’s interested in me . So, if that’s a dealbreaker, I’ll understand.”

  Matheus looked like he wanted to say something more, but he just opened and closed his mouth, finally muttering, “Right.”

  Grey bit her bottom lip, but finally gave in and leaned forward to kiss Mat on the cheek. “I don’t know how any of this works either, you know. Luca is my first and only serious girlfriend—or boyfriend, too, I guess. And I certainly don’t know how to do this whole...open...poly...thing we’re talking about.”

  Mat turned his head to press a kiss to corner of her lips. Neither of them seemed to want to press their luck before they knew what Steff thought of all this, but the light, teasing touch hinted at so much more. “We’ll figure it out, I promise.”

  He leaned back and gave her an assessing look. “But I have to know—for serious, relationship type reasons—can you switch to male anytime you want now?”

  The leer he gave her made her shiver. But it also reminded her.... “Speaking of which, what was that kiss all about—in the kitchen, when I was a guy ?”

  He just winked. “I love this new you, Grey, I really do. But I might be the only one in the band who isn’t at least a little relieved when you’re female. I missed the hot little guy I’ve fantasized about for months. I know you’re you either way. And don’t take this to mean I don’t love the thought of burying myself in all those delicious curves,” he said, his eyes ghosting over Grey’s plump female form. “But male you is just a bit different. It’s in how you move, how you talk. Your attitude toward the people around you.” He stood and took Grey’s hand as they headed down the sidewalk toward the townhouse. “And I’ve spent so much time dreaming about you fucking my brains out. Good to know it’s still a possibility.”

  “Oh, Gods.” Grey willed the earth to open up and swallow her. But no such luck.

  Chapter 24

  “I don’t know,” Luca said, frowning down at the ground as she slapped a hand idly against her guitar.

  Grey shook her head. “It’s just not quite right.”

  They were all gathered in the townhouse studio for practice. With the mainland tour comi
ng up in a couple weeks, they were putting the finishing touches on a brand-new song, but it wasn’t coming together the way it should. Something was missing. That indefinable thing lingered just out of Grey’s grasp. It was a niggling sense that the song just wasn’t quite all it could be. They’d been through it so many times now that Grey almost thought she was imagining it. Maybe she was being too picky and in actuality it sounded just fine.

  But just fine wasn’t good enough, damn it. Not to her overdeveloped siren ear. Something was definitely missing.

  “Let’s run through the chorus again,” Luca said for what had to be the dozenth time.

  Matheus groaned. “For fuck’s sake, my fingers are gonna start bleeding.” He gestured flippantly at Ethan. “And drummer boy over there won’t even be able to masturbate if you keep making him play that drum solo.”

  A drumstick flew through the air, narrowly missing Mat’s head, and the guitarist smirked. “Oh, sorry. I forgot, you don’t need to do that for yourself anymore, do you?” He waggled his brows comically.

  Grey narrowed her eyes at him. “Will you just shut up ?” And to think she had been worried that the band dynamics would be ruined by her sleeping with her bandmates. Nope. They were just as annoying as usual. Mat might be a little bitchier than normal, but it was hard to tell with him.

  Steffen chose that moment to come strolling into the room, looking like sunshine and modeling contracts. He stopped in his tracks, pulled off his big sunglasses and looked around the room, taking in all the tension. “So, practice is going well, then?” He nodded. “Looks about normal.”

  He walked over and handed Mat a coffee, hesitating a second before leaning in to kiss his cheek. “The rest is in the kitchen,” he said, his cheeks pink and eyes on anything but the other people in the room. He cleared his throat, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his long neck before he shuffled over to plop into a chair in the corner. “Sorry. Don’t mind me. Just here to soak up the siren ambiance and all.”

  Things were...weird...but hell, everything in Grey’s life was weird these days. She hadn’t had a chance to talk to Steff herself, but he and Mat had talked, and the day after, Steff had passed her in the hall and whispered, “I can share,” his expression filled with a combination of playfulness and nerves that did strange things to Grey’s insides.

  And...that was that. It wasn’t like Grey and the rest of the band had nothing better to do than sit around playing sex games. Though...that would be vastly preferable to whatever the fuck was going on with this song.

  “Okay,” Luca said, holing up a graceful hand. “How about just one more time? Then we move on and never speak of this again, I promise.”

  Grey sighed and cracked her neck, feeling all restless for no good reason. Luca counted off and they started up the song again. Grey sang the lines leading up to the chorus, Luca’s alto joining in for backup. It was an awesome song, Luca’s music and lyrics were filled with a magic of their own, as usual. They’d all had a good-natured laugh at how much it seemed like the band’s new theme song—a bouncy, fast-paced number about forgiveness, and bonds, and unity. But something was...missing....

  Grey’s eye landed on Steffen, where he sat nodding along to the beat as he flipped through a magazine with his picture on the cover. She stopped mid-phrase and turned to grab a piece of blank staff paper and a pencil. The rest of the band trailed off when they realized they’d lost their lead singer.

  Matheus’s bass line cut off with a twang. “Seriously? Again? ”

  “Grey...” Ethan started, his voice cajoling. Even the ever-patient drummer was about done with Grey’s shit.

  Grey held up a hand. “Shh.” She scribbled furiously, scanned what she had written down, hummed a few notes, scribbled some more. Then she stood, feeling triumphant.

  Luca came to look over her shoulder and sighed. “Of course.”

  “Steff,” Grey called, waving the paper. “Come here for a sec.”

  Mat narrowed his eyes at his boyfriend as he stood and slowly came to take the paper. Grey remembered how Mat said he told Steff not to mess with the band. How he’d first suspected the guy was just trying to worm his way back into Lucifer. Grey rolled her eyes at him.

  “You want me to sing with you?” Steff said, glancing at the baritone line Grey had scribbled out then back at Grey. His eyes darted around the room to take in the others, his entire posture saying he was braced for the yelling and bitching to start up.

  But everyone kept their traps shut, for once. “One more time,” Grey said to the band with a cracked grin. Clearly, she was losing her mind to even consider this. Who invited the ex lead singer of the band they fronted to come back? The model-perfect, way more worldly, ex lead with who’d known the guys way longer than Grey. Ugh, she must be a masochist.

  They started up again, and Grey soared into the chorus, Luca’s backup following Grey’s vocal line, while Steffen’s vocals split off in counterpoint before coming back to harmonize. It gave the whole thing an almost choral sound that was fucking amazing set against the fast rock sound.

  When they hit the final note, Steff was smiling so hard it had to hurt. Grey threw her arms around his neck and squeezed, earning a surprised grunt and a hesitant pat on the back. Pulling back, she grinned up at the dazed guy. “So, what are your plans for the next month or so? Wanna go tour the mainland like a rock star?”

  Luca sighed. “I’m going to have to call George. And Island Records. They’re going to bitch so hard.”

  Steff pressed his lips together and gave Luca a sorry-not-sorry kind of look. Then he looked around at the others, his brown eyes sparkling, and his hands stuffed into the pockets of his ridiculous skinny jeans. “I’d...really fucking love that, guys. You have no idea. For real?”

  Ethan stood and came to slap Steff on the back. “Fine by me. You guys sound amazing together. It’s different, but...really cool.” He quirked a look at Luca. “Now, can I please go stretch and get a shower? I’m worn out.”

  Luca laughed. “Gods yes. No more today.”

  Ethan looped an arm around Grey’s waist and drew her close to the solid, sweaty heat of him. His soft lips met hers before he pulled away and went in search of the coffee Steff had brought and a shower. Grey smiled after him. Their drummer always played so hard, putting his all into it, even in practice. They all did, but she was always amazed at Ethan’s stamina. The thought made her blush, and she turned to find Luca looking at her with a stupid leer as she finished putting away her guitar.

  “Oh, shut up,” Grey muttered, but she let herself be pulled into a glancing kiss. They were going to kill her with the hotness and the embarrassment here.

  “Shutting up,” Luca said with a wink. She pulled out her cell phone and waved it. “At least long enough to get yelled at by our wonderful manager when I tell her Steff is back.”

  Steffen ran a hand through his hair, wrecking his loose ponytail. “Ah...sorry? I’m sure she’ll be calling to yell at me the minute she hangs up with you, if it’s any consolation.”

  Luca shrugged. “I’m immune to it by now.” She slapped him on the shoulder in passing. “Don’t be an asshole this time, yeah?”

  Steff looked at the floor. “Yeah.”

  Then Grey found herself alone in the studio with Matheus and Steffen.

  There was absolutely no reason to panic. She just hadn’t had a chance to talk to them alone since the whole...thing.

  Her heart was suddenly pounding so hard it hurt. Heart attack, maybe? As if she’d be that lucky.

  “You don’t have to do this,” Steff said, his soft voice jerking Grey out of her panic attack.

  “What?” she said stupidly.

  He shrugged, hunching his wide shoulders and looking anywhere but at Grey. “It was really nice of you. And believe me, singing with you guys would be a dream. But....” He lifted his eyes to meet hers, the fear in those honey-brown eyes almost painful to witness. “If you’re only doing this because of our other arrangement....”

&
nbsp; “Oh!” Grey reached out and awkwardly patted his arm. “No, no at all. I didn’t really think of that at all, actually. I just...something was missing, and it was bugging the fuck out of me. I think we sound awesome with the extra vocals. Our sound will be richer, and we’ll have more range. Having you sing with us will just make the band that much better, give us some variety. That’s it.”

  He relaxed a bit, letting out a long breath. “Oh. Good.”

  Mat let out a short bark of laughter. When Grey looked at him, he was grinning. “You two are so dumb. I’ve never seen a more awkward pair of dorks.”

  Grey narrowed her eyes at him. “Watch it. You’ve been over-the-top bitchy all day.”

  Steff quirked a wry look at her. “He’s sexually frustrated. Makes him act like he has PMS.”

  Mat growled at him. “Oh, shut the fuck up. Whose fault do you think that is, anyway?” He waved a hand at Steff and Grey. “Not my fault I can’t fucking think straight.” He pointed at Grey. “Then this one wants to keep singing to me, over, and over, and over. You do realize your voice makes us all want to stop playing and get naked, right?”

  Grey choked. “ What?”

  Steff laughed. “It is hot. Even I feel it, and I’m as gay as it gets. Poor Mat.” He shook his head in sympathy and moved to wrap his arms around Mat from behind, pulling the lanky guy against his chest. And Gods, wasn’t that a pretty picture, Steff’s tall, broad form all wrapped around Mat’s slender body, sunshine and flirtation right alongside all that dark seduction. Grey swallowed, hard.

  “Well,” Steff said, resting his chin on Mat’s shoulder as he regarded Grey with a curious, almost challenging look. “I did say I could share. Or...did you want this to be a strictly one-on one thing? Like shared custody?”

  Mat snickered at that. As if he was a child or a toy they were fighting over.

  Grey didn’t even hesitate. Her damned instincts were way stronger than her brain. She stepped into Mat’s arms, pressing herself to his front, while Steff held him from behind. Tilting her head back, she arched a brow at Mat.