Worst Date Ever

by J. S. Cooper

  “Their house, their rules. I guess you have to respect them, right?”

  “Uh huh. So our goal is really just to impress on them that we’re very much in love and that we’re planning on getting married soon.”

  “Okay.”

  “And that you want to have loads and loads of kids.”

  “Okay, well that sounds easy enough.”

  “Yeah, and then I will ask my granddad to give me part of my inheritance early so I can start my business.”

  “How much is a part?”

  “I figure a couple of million.”

  “A couple of million? You think your granddad’s going to give you a couple of million dollars to open a puppy cafe?”

  “Well, I’m not going to tell him it’s a puppy cafe. It’s a coffee shop and it will also focus on art, which is where you come along.”

  “Yeah, I guess so. So you’re going to tell him that part of the space is going to be used for me to host my art classes and sell my art as well?”

  “Yep. Puppies, coffee, and art. What more could you want?”

  “So you are going to tell him about the puppies?”

  “I mean, I don’t know. I mentioned the cat cafe I went to once, and they didn’t seem impressed. If I feel like they’re warming to the idea, I might throw in a couple of puppies because my grandmother loves dogs. But if I don’t think they’re going to love the idea, then I won’t.”

  “Did you even find out if it’s going to be okay for there to be puppies at the coffee shop? Isn’t that like a health code violation or something?”

  “I don’t know.” He shrugged. “I’ll worry about that later. I mean, a cool coffee shop with lots of art sounds pretty cool and Bohemian even without the puppies, right?”

  “Yeah, it does. It sounds really cool. Oh my gosh, it would be absolutely amazing, Lucas. I wouldn’t have to work and work and work at all these different community colleges, teaching these classes for a couple hundred dollars a week. It would just be so cool if I could just be based out of your coffee shop. I really wish I had a rich family so I could contribute too.”

  “Girl, don’t worry about it. It’s not your fault that you come from middle-class people,” he said. “Oh my gosh, I sound like a total snob, don’t I? Don’t blame me, blame it on my upbringing. My parents are snobs. I mean, I’m lucky that I came out as cool as I did, having the parents and grandparents that I did.”

  “Oh my God, Lucas, you’re so crazy.”

  “What? You know you love me.”

  “I do.”

  “So have you been back to Columbia recently?”

  “No,” I shook my head. “You?”

  “Yeah. I like to go and hang out on campus, feel like I’m a young stud again.”

  “You’re such a goof.”

  “What? Those were the best days of my life. I loved going to university, and if I cared enough, I would try and get into grad school. But I don’t.”

  “Lucas, you’re crazy.”

  “I know. You just told me that. So did you get a new wardrobe?” He looked me up and down.

  “What do you mean, did I get a new wardrobe? No, I didn’t get a new wardrobe.”

  “Oh, well, then we need to go shopping because this is not going to impress my parents.”

  “Umm, I don’t have money to buy any new clothes,” I pointed out.

  “What? You don’t have a credit card?”

  “I do have a credit card but it’s almost maxed out.”

  “Oh my. We’ll use my credit card.”

  “No, Lucas, we can’t use your credit card. That’s just not cool. It’s—”

  “Look, you’re doing this to help me, and I need you to have some new clothes. And we can return them if it doesn’t work out.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah, I’m sure. You need to look like a sexy biatch, babe.”

  “Umm, okay. You got to let me know just how flirtatious we’re meant to be in front of your parents and family. Kissing? Hugging? Holding hands?”

  He shuddered, “Oh, I don’t know if I can kiss you. I think that would give it away.”

  “Well, thank you.”

  “What can I say? I like the D.”

  “Eww, Lucas, really?”

  “I know, I know, too much information.”

  “Yeah, way too much information. Please don’t.

  “What? What? You’ve been to gay clubs with me, you know what happens.”

  “I do, and I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to think about anyone’s sex life, but my own.”

  “Totally understood,” he nodded. “So, breakfast, shopping, twelve o’clock train? Would that work for you?”

  “Yep. That works for me.”

  “Awesome. This is going to be so fan-TAH-stic,” he sang.

  “Lucas?”

  “Yes, Isabelly?”

  “You know, you’re not going to be able to sing like that once we get to your parents’ house?”

  “Oh, trust me.” He straightened his shoulders and put on a gruff voice. “I can be as masculine as every other straight dude out there.” He nodded, “I just model myself after my cousin.”

  “One particular cousin or all of them?”

  “One particular cousin,” he nodded. “He’s as alpha and as heterosexual as they come. Trust me, if I want to play a straight man, I just do exactly what he does.”

  “Okay, then. Well, hopefully, it goes well.”

  “It will,” he said, “because you’re gorgeous, honey. And when my family sees you, they are going to love you, and they are going to be throwing money at us to open this business. Hey, I just thought of something.”

  “What?”

  “Can you bring some of your watercolor papers and maybe some of your artwork?”

  “I can. Why?”

  “Because I think it’d be really cool if you did some watercolors at my grandparents’ house and show everyone how talented you are.”

  “Oh, Lucas, you’re so sweet. That’s such a nice thing for you to say.”

  “I mean, you are really talented, so I mean it, but I think if you also paint something for my grandmother, she’ll be impressed and she’ll love it. Trust me, they have millions of dollars, and they have Picassos and Monets, shit, I even think that they have a Frida Kahlo in there, but if she gets something painted by the artist at her house, she’ll love it. Trust me, I know my Nana. She loves me.”

  “She loves you yet she wouldn’t like it if you were gay?” I said gently.

  He sighed and shook his head. “I don’t know. It’s not really something I want to find out. Not until I have my money. After I have my money and I have the coffee shop, then maybe I’ll tell them.” He looked down at the ground for a few seconds. I could tell that he wasn’t as upbeat and happy about the situation as he was pretending to be.

  I rubbed his shoulder then took his hand. “Hey, Lucas?”

  “Yeah?” he looked up at me, his blue eyes shining.

  “I’m here for you, you know. If you do want to tell them or you don’t. Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”

  “Thanks, Isabella,” he said softly. “Everyone should have a friend like you.”

  “I know,” I said with a smile. “That’s why breakfast is on you. I’m broke right now.”

  “Of course, use me for my money.”

  I giggled. “Lucas, you don’t have much money either, remember? That’s why we’re going to your grandparent’s house this weekend and pretending we’re a couple.”

  He started laughing as well. “So true. But hey, if anyone can fake it, we can.” We headed down the street towards a breakfast place.

  I looked at him as we walked and thought to myself how perfect he would have been for me if he were only straight and interested in dating someone like me—then I wouldn’t have to go on dates with douchebags like Jack Morrison. I could just be in a happy, healthy relationship with someone who got me and appreciated my art. Was that really too
much to ask for? I didn’t think so.

  Instead, I was going to play Lucas’s fake girlfriend to his bigoted rich family, and hopefully, at the end of it, he’d have his coffee shop and I’d have my art studio, and I’d be able to sell my art. It would be beautiful. I didn’t like lying to his family, but the end goal was something I believed in. It would be an amazing opportunity for both of us. I knew I wasn’t a great actress, but I was going to do my best to play my role.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “Wow …” I whispered in the back of the limo.

  “What?” Lucas asked.

  “I know you said you were rich, but I didn’t realize your family was this rich.” I looked up in awe at the house in front of us. It wasn’t even a house. It was a mansion. A huge stone mansion that looked like it belonged in the English countryside.

  “What, I didn’t tell you that my grandparents had an indoor pool, an outdoor pool, private beach, English gardens, and much more?” He laughed. “Oh yeah, and we’re right on the water, and they have two boats.”

  “Wow.” I pulled my gaze away from the house to look at Lucas. “This is crazy.”

  “And we’re going to have a room that gives us a water view. Well, you’ll have a room that gives you a water view, and I’ll have a room that gives me a water view. My parents have 16 bedrooms at their house, but my grandparents have 18.”

  “Wow.”

  “And yeah, this is on nine acres of land.”

  “Oh, you’re enjoying this now, aren’t you?”

  “I didn’t even tell you about the wine cellar and the grotto and the six fireplaces.”

  “Lucas, this is incredible. I didn’t realize that your family was so wealthy.”

  “I mean, that was kind of the point of us coming here. What did you think I meant when I said I wanted part of my inheritance now? Did you think that my family was only worth a couple of million?”

  “I don’t know, but this is just above and beyond anything I’ve ever imagined someone wealthy being like. I mean, I watched The Real Housewives of New York and even they don’t live in places like this.”

  “Uh, they don’t have money like my family has money,” he said. “But wait until you meet them. They’re just as douchey as some of the people on that crappy show.”

  “Don’t call it crappy. You love that show.”

  “I know,” he laughed, “but I have to pretend.”

  “Yeah. I guess so.” The limo stopped and we got out of the car. I stood in front of the house in awe. I just had no words. It was breathtaking.

  “So yeah, this is a custom-built, stone, Georgian house with 340 feet of private Long Island Sound shoreline.”

  “You sound like a realtor.” I glanced at him and cracked a smile.

  “I know. My family would love it if I went into real estate.”

  “They want you to be a realtor?”

  “Well, no, not a realtor, real estate. I did tell you that my family is in the real estate market, right?”

  “No, I don’t really know what your family does.”

  “Oh, shoot. I thought I had told you everything.” He bit his lower lip. “Oh well, doesn’t matter. At least they’ll think that you’re into me for me and not just what my family does.”

  “So your family’s in real estate?”

  “Let’s just say that we have a commercial and residential real estate empire.” He laughed. “As well as investing in many other companies. My grandfather inherited the company from his grandfather, so we’ve had a lot of money for a long time.”

  “Oh wow. And your grandfather still runs the company?”

  “No, my dad and my cousin do.

  “Your dad and your cousin. Oh, interesting.”

  “Yeah. It’s a long story, but essentially my dad had an older brother who passed away and he passed on his shares of the company to my cousin—”

  “What’s your cousin’s name? Shouldn’t I know that?”

  “His name’s John.”

  “Okay. So John has the majority of the shares?”

  “No, but John is much better at business than my dad,” he laughed, “and so John basically runs the companies. He’s everyone’s favorite. You would think my dad would hate him, but my dad loves him because my dad gets to spend the money, hang out at the office, and not do much work. John is basically the head of the family. My grandparents love him and my parents love him.”

  “Do you not have any other cousins?”

  “I do. But they’re all women,” he laughed, “that’s why it’s so important to my grandparents that I get married.”

  “So John isn’t married?”

  “Oh, goodness, no, John’s a playboy. I don’t see him getting married for a long time.”

  “But isn’t that unfair that your grandparents want you to get married but they don’t want him to get married?”

  “Oh, they know he’ll get married one day, but right now they’re happy that he’s making billions and billions of dollars for the company.”

  “I see.”

  “I know, it’s weird. Lifestyles of the rich and famous, hey?”

  “Yeah. It’s totally outside of my world purview. I remember when my dad got a wage increase to $80,000 a year and we felt like millionaires.”

  “$80,000 a year.” Lucas chuckled. “That’s nothing. I could spend that in a week.”

  “Seriously, Lucas? Yeah, you could spend it in a week, but my family was very happy to live off of it for a year.”

  “I know. I know. I sound completely and utterly pretentious, don’t I? It’s being here. It makes me a snob. I’m not really one. You know that.”

  “It’s okay. We’re just from two different worlds.”

  “Yeah. But I don’t want to be one of those people that’s not in touch with the people. I can’t be if I’m going to own a coffee shop.”

  “I know that,” I nodded. “So we’re going to go in and meet them?” I was slightly surprised that no one had come outside to greet us. But I guess we were family and not really friends.

  “Oh, yeah. I’m not sure who’s here yet. We may be the first. I wanted to get here before my parents and my cousins got here.”

  “Okay. So it’s your cousin John and who else?”

  “I have another uncle who had three daughters.”

  “Okay.”

  “So they’ll probably all be here.”

  “And that uncle is not involved in the family business?”

  “Oh god, no. He’s an actor.” He shuddered. “And not even a good one at that.”

  “Would I have seen him in anything?”

  “Did you ever see a movie called Dawn of the Dead Poolboy?”

  “Do you mean Dawn of the Dead?”

  “No,” he laughed, “I mean, Dawn of the Dead Poolboy. Don’t ask. It was an ‘indie movie.’” He did finger quotes. “And I don’t think anyone saw it except for the family because he made us.”

  “Well … at least you’re supportive of each other.”

  “We had to be supportive of him because he used $5 million of my grandparents’ money to make the movie.”

  “Oh wow. And it made no money?”

  “Actually, it made less than no money because he spent $6 million on that piece of crap. He overpaid a bunch of Z list reality stars.” He rolled his eyes. “It was a joke.”

  “Yikes.”

  “But he’s fine. My grandma loves him because he’s very handsome and his daughters are pretty smart.”

  “Are they part of the family business?”

  “Nah. But I’ll tell you more about that later. We should go inside. I can see my grandmother peeking out of the window.”

  “You can? Which window?”

  “I’m not going to tell you because I know you’ll look.”

  “Hey, I won’t.”

  “I know you too well, Isabella. I’ve known you long enough to know that you do everything I tell you not to do.”

  “Fine,” I laughed. I smiled at hi
m, “How do I look?”

  “Beautiful, my dear, absolutely beautiful.” And then he gave me a quick kiss on the lips.

  “What was that for?”

  “Remember, my grandma is looking.” He grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “We have a role to play, my dear. If we want to open this coffee-slash-art shop, we have to play it to the hills. We have to be Oscar-winners here.”

  “Okay, let’s do this.”

  “We got it. I have faith in you, Isabella.”

  “I hope so.” I swallowed hard as we walked towards the front of the building because I didn’t have that much faith in myself.

  Chapter Fourteen

  As we walked towards the front door, it sprang open and a butler and housekeeper in traditional uniforms stepped outside.

  “Pick your jaw up, Isabella.” Lucas laughed. “My grandparents are extra.”

  “They have a butler?” I stared at him, shaking my head. “I had no idea you were so rich.” I looked at him incredulously. “How did I have no idea?”

  “Because our friendship is built on love and mutual respect. Not money.” He paused and squeezed my hand. “You don’t know how grateful I am to have a friend like you, Bella.” He was serious now. “I’m so lucky. And thankful you’re here with me. You’re an amazing friend for helping me.”

  “Well, I’m not selfless,” I grinned at him. “I’m also eager for you to open this coffee shop so that I can have a base for my artwork.” I sighed wistfully. “That would be absolutely amazing.”

  “Hi, Anna. Hi David.” Lucas stopped at the front door and beamed at the butler and housekeeper. They still had very strict expressions on their faces, but I could see that Anna’s eyes were glittering. They were staying professional, but it was obvious to me that they loved Lucas.

  “Hello, master.” David said and bowed.

  Lucas laughed at the look on my face. “David, knock it off.” He turned to me. “David never bows at me. He’s only being like that because you’re with me.”

  “I see you’ve brought a girlfriend, Mr. Lucas,” David said once again, in his proper English accent.

  “Yep. This is my girlfriend. My beautiful, wonderful Isabella.”

  “Hi, nice to meet you.” I smiled at David and could tell he was looking me over. Anna, too. They weren’t smiling at me at all. It made me nervous. Uh oh. Did they think I was a gold digger? Did they think I was here for his money?