Worst Date Ever

by J. S. Cooper

  “Nice to meet you, miss,” he nodded. “Your grandparents are in the study, Lucas. I think you should go through now.”

  “Okay. We’re going to face the old king and queen already, are we?” Lucas shuddered and then started laughing as he saw the expression on my face. “Oh, don’t worry, Isabella. They don’t bite.”

  “Why do you have an English accent all of a sudden?”

  “Oh, didn’t I tell you that Edith is from England?”

  “Who’s Edith?”

  “Oh, my grandmother. She’s English. I thought I told you that. Oops.” He looked at me and just shrugged. “Oh, well.”

  “Uhm. I feel I should have known this,” I whispered in his ear, hoping that David and Anna weren’t paying too close attention to us. “If I didn’t even know your grandma’s English, how are they going to believe that we’re actually dating and together?”

  “It’ll be fine. Of course, they’ll believe us,” he whispered back. “Who knows everything about their partner’s grandparents?”

  “Me. I know everything about my partner’s grandparents. When you like someone, you know everything about them. And if they don’t tell you, you stalk them. Trust me. I’ve done a lot of stalking in my life.”

  “Oh, really? What sort of stalking?”

  “Facebook stalking, Google stalking. Shit. I could work for the CIA or FBI if I had to. I know how to get the information I need about a guy I like.”

  “So, are you telling me that you didn’t like me, Isabella? You didn’t like me enough to stalk me?”

  “Well, you’re my friend.”

  “Shh,” he said quickly and looked around. “The walls have ears, my dear. The walls have ears.”

  “What?”

  “Let’s just make sure that whatever we have to say about our little plan,” he gave me a look, “is said outside of the house. Preferably when we go to the village.”

  “What is going on? What are you talking about?”

  “Oh, look. Here’s the study.” He gave me a meaningful stare.

  What had I let myself in for here?

  We walked into the study and I gasped audibly. His grandparents were going to know I was so out of my realm in this house. I could see pieces of art that I’d only read about in art history books.

  “Oh my gosh. Is that a Jackson Pollock? And an Edward Hopper? Oh my gosh, Edward Hopper! I love him. He’s my—” I turned to the side and realized that we had an audience. “Hi.” I gave them a little wave. Lucas’ grandparents sat on the couch looking me over.

  “Edith. How are you, my love?” Lucas gave his grandmother a broad smile.

  “It’s Nana, you cheeky boy. You know that,” Edith said as she stood up. “Lucas, so good to see you.”

  “So great to see you too, Nana,” he laughed. “And Pap.”

  The older man next to Edith smiled at him. “Lucas. So, you brought your girlfriend with you.”

  “Yes, I did. This is the beautiful, wonderful Isabella.”

  “Hello.” I followed behind Lucas and walked over to his grandparents. “Nice to meet you, Mr. And Mrs. …” I paused, as I realized I didn’t know their last name. Oh shit. How could I not know their last name?

  “Isabella, don’t be so formal. Call them Nana and Papa,” Lucas said.

  “Uhm. I don’t really think that’s appropriate, Lucas. They’re not my Nana and Papa.”

  “But one day they will be. Won’t they, my love?” He turned to his grandparents. “I wanted you to be the first ones to know. Isabella and I are going to get married.”

  I glanced sideways at him. What was he doing? He had already put a spotlight on me. We hadn’t said anything about being engaged. We had just said that we pretended to be dating.

  “Nana, Papa, this is Isabella. Please be nice. I don’t want you scaring her up. And Isabella, this is my Nana, my Papa, Edward and Edith Windsor.”

  “Windsor?” I frowned at Lucas. “But that’s not your last name.”

  “I know,” Lucas rolled his eyes. “None of us have their last name.”

  “What?”

  “Yeah, it’s complicated, but Papa thought it would be better for his sons to take their wives’ last names.”

  His grandfather looked old-fashioned and distinguished. I was frankly very surprised. I’ve never heard of anyone wanting to ensure that a family of sons took their wives’ last names. “But I thought you wanted to continue the family line …?” I said, not really understanding.

  “I do.”

  Edward stood up and he and Edith walked over to me. Edward held his hand out. “Nice to meet you, Isabella. I’m glad that Lucas has finally brought you to meet us. I understand that you’re to be engaged soon?”

  “Well, I don’t know about that. We’re very happy in our relationship, but we wouldn’t want to rush anything now, would we, dear?” I shot daggers at Lucas with my eyes. He just grinned back at me.

  “And I know you must be wondering why I don’t want my family name passed on,” Edward continue. “Not that I don’t love it, but much like the Kennedys, the family name seems to be cursed.” He shrugged. “And I wanted a generation to live without the name, so none of my grandchildren actually have my name, which is a pity.”

  “It is a pity, but they obviously still love you, dear,” Edith said. “Oh, Lucas?

  Guess who else is coming early.”

  “I don’t know. Who?”

  “John.”

  “Oh, great.” Lucas rolled his eyes and stared at me. “That’s my cousin that I was telling you about, the one that runs the family business.”

  “I see. You sound excited to have your grandsons around,” I said to Edith.

  “Oh, yes, both of them are such bright brilliant boys. Of course, Lucas didn’t want to work for the family business, but …” She sighed. “It’s a good thing we have John. He’s absolutely fantastic. Even if he was …” She paused and then looked over at her husband.

  “Well, he had other ideas at first. He was into sports,” Edward said shaking his head, “Which is fine in college, but you didn’t play sports as a professional. At least not football.”

  “Oh, he was a soccer player?” I asked.

  “Oh no, that’s a ruffian sport.” He shook his head. “American football.”

  “Which is still rough, dear,” Edith said.

  “Yes, but it’s American. Unlike soccer.” He smiled at his wife mischievously. And then he looked at me. “Oh, don’t mind me, dear. It’s just a little joke between my wife and me. She grew up with soccer, which of course in England they call football. And I grew up with American football. And when we first met years and years ago, we had a conversation about how we both liked football, but we were talking about two very different sports. And you know, she’s a little bit of a snob and preferred soccer. And I guess I’m just a Yankee who loves American football. But our oldest grandson, John, whom you’ll meet later, was professional for a bit. One of the best in the league.” Despite saying he disapproved of his grandson playing professionally, I thought I could hear the pride in his voice. “Do you know much about football?” he asked me.

  “No, I know absolutely nothing about football.” I laughed, “Which is funny because actually someone was asking me about that the other day.”

  “Who was that?” Lucas asked.

  “I was …” I suddenly remembered who I was standing in front of and what I was doing here. I’d nearly just ruined everything. Imagine if I’d said, “Oh, I was on a blind date and this guy asked me if I knew anything about football and I lied and pretended I did.” Our cover would have been blown. “Oh, just one of Abby’s friends. I’ll tell you later,” I said quickly. I looked at Edith and Edward and smiled at them. “Abby’s one of my best friends and my roommates. She is really funny and she has a lot of different ideas and friends.” I knew I was babbling. “I have two other roommates as well, Chloe and Emma. We all went to college together.”

  “Oh, yes?” Edith smiled though I could
tell she had no idea what I was talking about.

  “Yeah, we went to Columbia. Well, that’s where I met Lucas.”

  “So you two have been dating since college?” Edward looked at me with a curious expression on his face. “That’s been quite a while, and we’re now just meeting you.”

  “Oh no, well, we were friends first, Papa. And then we became lovers,” Lucas replied.

  I glared at him. If he wanted his grandparents to think he was straight, he needed to stop acting so dramatically and flamboyantly. My gaydar would have been going off like crazy if he’d said that in front of me, but maybe they were old so they didn’t realize.

  “Oh, I do think that friends first is such a beautiful thing,” Edith said with a polite smile. “So, we’ll have Anna show you to your rooms.” She looked at me and took my hand. “I’m sure Lucas told you, but we are rather old-fashioned. Even though we try to be hip with you youngsters, but I do believe that you shouldn’t share the same bedroom. It’s just untoward, you know. It’s not the done thing.” She gave me a sweet smile.

  She had the most beautiful green eyes I’d ever seen. She must have been a beauty when she was younger. Not that she wasn’t beautiful now, she was, but she must have been absolutely stunning. I then looked over at Edward. He was a handsome man as well. They must have been the most handsome couple in their friend group. I looked over at Lucas and grinned.

  “Well, I know Lucas will miss me, but I’m fine with having my own room. You do have a very beautiful house. I was admiring it as we got out of the car and walked up.”

  “Oh, Lucas will have to show you around. We have tennis courts and pools.”

  “And yes, I already told her that we’re on the water and we have boats, Nana. Oh, and we have a bowling alley,” Lucas added. “You love bowling, don’t you, Isabella?”

  “I do love bowling, and I can’t believe you have a bowling alley!” I could tell that I was sounding far too excited and impressed. “Sorry.” I smiled at Edith self-consciously. “I guess you’re used to living in such a magnificent house, but I’m from a totally different income bracket.” I wanted to groan out loud. Why had I brought up money? I was just so out of my league.

  “Oh, my dear, don’t worry. We do know that we are in an elite bracket.” Edith patted my hand again. “But enjoy. Our home is your home. And we’re just so glad to meet you. And then later this weekend, Edward and Lucas will talk about the business plan.”

  “Oh, that would be absolutely fantastic, Papa,” Lucas nodded enthusiastically. “You know, it would be such a help to get some of my inheritance early.”

  “And you know I’d much rather you go into the family business,” Edward said dryly. “John is doing a fantastic job, of course. But there’s just so much to oversee, and I do wish that more of my family would be involved.”

  “Yes. But you know I’m not interested in real estate and mergers and all that boring stuff,” Lucas groaned.

  “I know. I know,” Edward sighed. “But fine. Anna!” he called out. The housekeeper hurried into the room.

  “Yes, Mr. Windsor? Did you call?”

  “Yes. I think that it would be very nice for you to show Lucas to his room and then also show Ms. Isabella,” he nodded graciously at me, “to her room. Then we shall meet in an hour for some afternoon drinks?”

  “Sounds good to me,” I agreed happily.

  “Yes, sir. Of course, sir.” Anna walked over to me. “Ma’am, I will show you to your room now, if you don’t mind?”

  “Of course,” I said following behind her. “Well, it was nice meeting you, Edith and Edward. I mean, Mr. and Mrs. Windsor.”

  “Edith and Edward is fine, dear,” Edith assured me.

  “I’ll see you later, Lucas.”

  “Will do. I’m going to just show Nana some photos on my phone and then we’ll meet up later?”

  “Sounds good,” I said.

  Anna led me down a long hallway and I could see her looking me over. “So, you and Mr. Lucas have been dating for a long time?” she asked me.

  I was surprised because I didn’t think that the help were meant to ask questions, but what did I know? No one I knew had a housekeeper or a butler or lived in a mansion. Everything I knew about how servants were meant to act was from watching Downton Abbey, and that was set years and years ago. Maybe times had changed for servants.

  “Oh yes, we’re terribly in love,” I said quickly, wondering if she was trying to get more information to pass back to Edith and Edward.

  “Oh, terribly in love, eh?” She looked at me. “Hmm, I see.”

  I wanted to ask her what that meant. What did she see? But she didn’t ask me any more questions. Then we came to another corridor and walked down it, and I was starting to think I was going to get lost in this house. But thankfully, she stopped at the second door and opened it. I walked inside and gasped. The size of the room was bigger than my apartment back in New York City. It was humongous and it was so bright and airy. It was beautiful.

  “Wow. This is amazing.”

  “I’m glad you like it. This is one of our guest suites.” She nodded. “You have an en suite bathroom, of course. Full shower, full bathtub. There’s the TV, the remote control’s on the side. If there’s anything you need, just let me know.” She stood at the doorway while I walked around the room. I wondered if she was waiting for a tip.

  “Oh, I don’t have any cash on me.” I chewed on my lower lip. How could I have not gotten cash? “I’m so sorry.”

  “Cash?” She blinked and then she looked like she was repressing a smile. “Don’t worry, ma’am. We don’t take tips. No. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

  “No, I’m good. Thank you.”

  “Well, welcome, ma’am.” She looked at me for a few more seconds as if she were studying me and then she smiled. “I hope you enjoy your stay here.”

  “Thank you. I’m sure that I will.”

  “When you hear the bell, come back down to the drawing room and there will be refreshments. Is there anything in particular you would like for an afternoon snack, ma’am?”

  “No, I’m okay. Anything that’s available, I’ll be happy for. Thank you.”

  “Oh, you’re welcome.”

  And with that, she was gone. I walked over to the bed and sat down. I was completely out of my element, and I wasn’t at all confident I’d be able to get through this weekend successfully. I had already nearly messed up so many times, and Lucas wasn’t making it easy. I really, really hoped that he wasn’t planning some stupid over-the-top proposal or something because I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to keep it together. His grandparents seemed like lovely people, not the sort of people that I would expect to be bigoted towards gay people. I guess appearances could be deceiving, though. I sighed and pulled out my phone just so that I could text Abby. I saw that she had sent me a text message and I opened it up.

  “Hey, girl. So sorry that your date didn’t go as planned. Please forgive me if you think I gave him false expectations or hope. I didn’t mean to do that. I just really wanted you to have a good time. Call me when you get there. Love you.”

  I smiled as I read her message. I knew she felt bad, but it wasn’t her fault. She hadn’t made me sleep with him, and she hadn’t made Jack the asshole that he was. He was an asshole all by himself. I lay back on the bed and closed my eyes thinking about that night with him. He was an asshole, but he’d been an amazing lover. It would have been nice to make love one more time with him, to just be absolutely crazy. It’d been a fun night. I mean, yeah, he’d been obnoxious, but the banter had been fun. It had made me feel alive. It made me feel things that I hadn’t felt in years.

  I miss being in a relationship. I miss being with someone. I missed flirting and touching and kissing and … Oh, well, it didn’t make any sense to think about him right now. I was never going to see him again. That part of my life was over as soon as it had begun.

  I needed to concentrate on this weekend because if we w
ere successful and Lucas got the money, it could change my life. Things would start to look up for me. I wanted my own art gallery and I wanted to be able to teach my own art classes in my own space. And it was within reach now, and that was so exciting. So very, very exciting.

  I would get through this weekend and I would do the best job that I could. I would make everyone believe that I was in love with Lucas and that we were a couple that would last forever. I would do that for him, and more selfishly, I would do it for me.

  “I’ll just have some lemonade. Thank you.” I smiled at Anna as she handed me a glass and took a seat next to Edith on the couch where she had indicated I should sit.

  “So, Isabella, what is it you do for a living?” she asked me. Lucas was standing on the other side of the room with his grandfather discussing who knows what.

  “I am an artist,” I said looking around the room. “I see that you have some fantastic pieces of art.”

  “Oh, yes. You mentioned you recognized the Pollock and that you like Edward Hopper, eh?”

  “Yes. ‘Room By The Sea’ is one of my very favorites.”

  “Oh, indeed.” She nodded. “Very nice. Very nice. So what sort of paintings do you do? Oil paintings? Are you in a gallery? Are you in the MoMA?”

  “Oh, nothing that fancy,” I shook my head. “I mainly dabble in watercolors and teach classes here and there. Teach kids and sell pieces at art fairs and stuff like that. Nothing big, though. Maybe one day if I’m lucky. Though I’m not as talented as many of these brilliant artists.”

  “Oh, you shouldn’t put yourself down, dear. I’m sure you’re very talented. Lucas was telling us about you, I remember now.”

  “Oh?” I was surprised. “Really? When?”

  “Oh, maybe …” She paused. “It was a few months ago or I don’t know, maybe it was Christmas. My mind, you know, a little bit befuddled and hazy sometimes.” She shook her head. “I’m getting a little bit older. Don’t tell anyone, though,” she said with a small smile.