Wanted (The Dare to Dream Series Book 1)

by Jennifer Kittredge

  With that, he kissed me, turned, and walked away.

  Chapter Seventeen

  I started my car, sobbing. My heart ached. I pulled out of the parking lot as Taylor Swift’s “The Last Time” came out of my speakers. Ugh. I sobbed harder. I didn’t think I’d ever felt pain like that, not even during childbirth with the twins, when I labored for over forty-eight hours. I let the tears fall until I couldn’t cry any longer. My heart was so heavy and sad, and I called Jen. She answered immediately. I let her know I was on my way home and asked if I could stay at her house tonight. I wasn’t ready to face Daniel. I needed one more night to get my head straight. I was too fragile at this moment. Daniel would take complete advantage of my weakness.

  Needing fortification, I pulled into a Starbucks before I got on the highway. A strong cup of coffee was calling my name. I texted Daniel and let him know I was on my way, that I would be staying at Jen’s tonight, and would see him tomorrow when he got home from work. I received the same reply as when I told him I was leaving, “K”. What an ass. You’d think he’d have some more words for me at this point.

  I ordered my skinny vanilla latte and got back on the road. The seven-hour drive home would be good for me. My head needed space. It needed to be clear so that I could be ready for all that was in front of me. I wasn’t sure how Daniel would react when I told him I wanted a divorce. I didn’t know if he would be relieved or try to fight me. It was really hard to say at that point in time. The kids would be devastated, but I knew in my heart of hearts I could not stay for the kids. No marriage was worth anything if the only reason you were in it was for the kids.

  They would survive. No matter how hard it was for them at first, they would be okay. They would always know they were loved and that the both of us were there for them, always. Tears pooled in my eyes. This was so painful. Thinking about the dynamics of how it would work was difficult. I hadn’t had a job since the kids were born. We decided before we had them, I would stay home and raise them. I let go of my dream of being a photographer and focused entirely on being a mom. I didn’t regret it, and I loved being a mom, as hard as it was some days, and being able to be home with them every day.

  As they grew, I spent time volunteering at their school and in their various activities. I was content and happy. When they left at the beginning of August, I was happy for them. Yes, my heart hurt, because they were my babies, after all, but it was their time. Their time to find themselves, to have fun, and meet new friends. I loved that they went to the same college—being twins, they always had an uncanny closeness that I admired. I knew they would always have each other’s back and getting through this divorce would be one of those times. Hopefully it would be a little easier for them being away and not having to live through it every single day.

  Once I told Daniel, we’d have to call them together or tell them over their Thanksgiving break. Ugh, the thought of the holidays was daunting. We’d have to find a way to maneuver through them so everyone was happy.

  Happy. I had been really happy for the last few days. Happier than I could remember. Ryan was incredible. My heart hurt just thinking about him. How I stumbled upon that magnificent man was beyond me. He made me feel things I had never felt before. He made me believe there was good out there, that I was worthy of that good. Most of all, he made me come alive. In every fiber of my being, I felt alive when I was with him. I wasn’t afraid to be who I really was. I actually discovered myself again, being with him. Our time together opened places within me that I had closed long ago.

  Leaving him was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. If I could have stayed there with him, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. If life were somehow different, I could see myself living in Beaufort with Ryan. I could take up photography again, start my own little business. But no, my reality was much different. I had to deal with my reality and stop dreaming.

  “Get it together, Kate,” I murmured out loud. “Stop thinking about what you can’t have and focus on your task at hand.”

  I pulled into Jen’s at six forty-five p.m. The drive was uneventful. My thoughts floated between my current reality and the dream life I had with Ryan over the last few days. Before I could even knock on the door, it flew open and Jen hugged me hard. I sobbed.

  “Hey there, my friend,” she whispered in my ear as I sobbed harder. “Come on, let’s get you in here and get you a glass of wine. Then you can tell me everything.”

  I gave her a half smile. My heart was so broken. The pain felt like a giant boulder was sitting on my chest.

  “Okay, friend. Spill it. What happened on your sweet escape?”

  “Oh, Jen, I didn’t mean for any of it to happen. I walked into a great little pub on Thursday night and encountered the most gorgeous man. I had no intention of being with him. He was just nice to look at. The next morning, while I was running—yes, I know, I don’t even run, but I felt the urge to run and clear my head. I ran into him near the river. He invited me back to The Pub for a local band that night. He said all the locals would be out and it was one of the funnest nights of the year. He was right. It was. He actually got me on the dance floor.” I smiled at the memory. Ryan’s arms on my hips, his body so close to mine.

  “He walked me back to the inn and kissed me. I tore my mouth from him because I felt like the biggest hypocrite in the world. But damn, Jen, that kiss did something to me. It awakened something in my very soul. The next morning, I went running again—to clear my head, you know. I felt guilty over enjoying that kiss. I ran into him again and sobbed in his arms when he talked to me. Total hot mess. We went for breakfast at his place…I know, I know, but I was a mess and thought, why the hell not? So he made breakfast while I cleaned myself up. We sat and ate at his kitchen island. The chemistry between us was electric, Jen. I mean, you could feel it in the air. He leaned down and kissed me and that was it. I wanted him to take me right there. I didn’t care. It had been so long since I had felt wanted and sexy.”

  Jen didn’t say a word as we sipped our wine and I poured my heart out. I told her everything. Every single intimate detail, from our first kiss to our time in Charleston, to the pain of having to say goodbye to him.

  “God, Jen, if life were different, I would have stayed there with him. I really would have. He does something to my soul. I so wish things were different. But here I am, going home to a complete asshole, telling him I want a divorce. This should be so much fun.”

  “Kate, listen to me. It’s not going to be fun, you’re absolutely right, but you haven’t been happy for years. In fact, listening to you right now, talking about Ryan, you light up. I haven’t seen you light up—well, actually, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you light up like this, Kate. You deserve true happiness, my friend. You deserve true, good, mind-blowing love. Don’t settle for anything less.”

  “I know. I truly believe that now, Jen. I want that for me. I want to stop merely existing. I’ve existed for so long, just going through the motions of life. I can’t do that anymore. Not after what I just experienced.”

  “Ha! Yeah, not after what you just experienced. That rocked your whole world, friend. You deserved that. Go after what you want, live the life you desire, and don’t settle anymore. I like seeing you truly alive and lit up.”

  I leaned over and hugged her. I loved my friend so much. She was my rock, my absolute “go-to.” I would need her now more than ever. We talked through the night. This girl time was much needed. Jens’ hubby popped his head in when he came home from work and then retreated to his man cave. I knew he was giving us this time, and I loved him for it. We drank wine and giggled, and my soul was happy. As we said our good-nights, I was truly content. Life was good, even in the hard moments. Keeping my eye on all the good that still surrounded me would be paramount to my survival through this divorce.

  I woke up the next morning with a resolve instilled in me. I would have the life I desired, no matter the cost. Daniel could make this very difficult. I was prepared for
that. I wouldn’t let him scare me. Yes, he had connections all over the place, so finding an attorney for myself could prove difficult, but I wouldn’t let him bully me. I wandered to the kitchen and made myself a cup of coffee. I wasn’t going home until I knew Daniel was at work. He usually left the house around eight, so I had an hour before I would head toward home. Jen joined me in the kitchen and we talked easily over coffee.

  “What’s your first move?” she asked.

  “Well, I’m stuck between reaching out to a lawyer or talking to Daniel first. Part of me feels like we should talk before I retain an attorney. Maybe he wants this, too, so things will go smoothly.”

  “Don’t count on it, Kate. Daniel is all about how he is perceived, so dropping the divorce bomb on him is not going to sit well and you know it. Daniel cares about what people think of him. His reputation is very important to him, so divorce won’t go over well.”

  “A girl can dream, can’t she? I want out, Jen. I don’t care about reputations or what anyone thinks. I just want my life to be my own. I don’t want it to be wrapped up in his anymore.”

  “I know. But be prepared for a fight. When it comes to money and his reputation, Daniel is a complete asshole.”

  She was right, of course. Deep down I knew this wouldn’t be easy. Daniel would not like any of it, especially when it came down to splitting things financially. He wasn’t going to give in easily. I made my way to the shower and remembered I hadn’t texted Ryan when I got in. I shot him a quick text.

  I arrived home safely. Jen had wine waiting. Much needed girl time. Thank you for everything. You made me believe in me again.

  I hit send. If I thought about it too long, I would have second guessed myself and not sent it. The reply came almost immediately.

  Glad to hear you are safe. You are missed more than you know. You are amazing Kate. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel otherwise. I’m always here. R.

  Tears pooled in my eyes and spilled down my cheeks. That magnificent man was more than I could have ever imagined. I wanted to reply but didn’t. If I was going to divorce Daniel, I didn’t need to be distracted. As much as I wanted to keep in contact with Ryan, I knew I needed to let him go. He deserved to find someone who was completely available to him. I wasn’t that person. I had to navigate this divorce, find a job, probably find a new place to live, and get myself together. Dragging him through this with me didn’t seem fair.

  “Goodbye Ryan,” I whispered out loud as I deleted his number from my phone.

  Chapter Eighteen

  The emotional boulder on my chest made it hard to breathe. I reached my house and felt like a stranger. It was only a week ago that I had left. How could I feel so out of sorts? I opened the garage and pulled in, then made my way up the three steps to the house. I walked in and immediately began sobbing. I dropped to my knees right there in the mudroom and let myself sob. The heaviness of my life seemed too much to bear in that moment. I must have looked like a complete idiot, sobbing on the floor of my mudroom, but I really didn’t care. My emotions were raw and needed to come out.

  I picked myself up about forty-five minutes later and walked slowly through the house. I went to the kids’ rooms first. So many memories of us were there in that house. I stood in the doorway of each of their rooms and let the memories wash over me. If I was going to get through this, I had to look at the pain, feel it, and move through it. My children grew up in there. They had their first days of school, birthday parties, middle school dances, homecomings, proms, graduations, you name it. I had the pictures to prove it. Memories of a lifetime were made in that house.

  It dawned on me in that moment that I didn’t want to stay here. I needed a fresh start, something new, something that was mine alone. I’d never had anything of my own before. I went from home, to college, to living with Daniel. God, you’d think I didn’t know how to exist on my own. Could you say “co-dependent?” I knew what I had to do. I powered up my laptop and began searching for a place to rent. Daniel wouldn’t be happy about it, but I didn’t care. I was on a mission to find my authentic self, all on my own, without the crutch of someone else in my life. It was time to figure out who I truly was and fall in love with me.

  I called Jen and let her know I was in need of a home to rent. She was a commercial realtor, but she had connections. She put me in contact with a colleague in her office named Lisa. I had no idea who Lisa was, but Jen filled her in on what I was looking for. An hour later, I had an email from Lisa with a list of properties to sift through. She had some time this afternoon to take me to a few if we could get in. I went through the list she sent and found three that were potential matches. I emailed her back and let her know the three I liked.

  Lisa set up times that afternoon to see all three, starting at one o’clock. I was excited! I knew this was the fresh start I needed. Finding a place to rent for the next year was just the thing to help me navigate through this process. I needed to be on my own and figure out who Kate Jones really was.

  I showered and got ready to meet Lisa. I made a list of all the things I needed to get done before Daniel came home. I needed a job. I walked to the guest room closet and found all my old photography equipment. I took it down off the shelf and opened the bag. God, I loved taking pictures. Through one click of a button, moments of a lifetime were captured. My favorite part of pictures was capturing emotion. Weddings—most of them, anyway—were a wonderful place to capture the emotions of love, joy and happiness. I decided then and there I would start up my own photography business. I knew I couldn’t work for anyone else at this time in my life.

  While I didn’t know what my life would look like financially at this point, I didn’t want to settle. I wanted to do something I loved, something that fulfilled me. I wanted to wake up every morning excited about what I did. Photography did that for me. You could see the evidence of that by the pictures hanging in my home. Most of them were mine—the children playing, Daniel and me in happier times, our backyard oasis, trips we had taken…I captured everything. I walked through the long hallway from our room looking at our life in pictures. I had a Rogue's Gallery of sorts in this hallway. We looked happy. We looked like the perfect family.

  When did it all start going wrong? I took my time, taking in each picture, remembering each event so vividly in my mind. That’s what I loved about pictures. They could transport you back to a time that we so often forgot. Pictures were memories of one’s life. They held a certain nostalgia. It was what I loved about them. I would need to put a portfolio together and order business cards. I added those to my to-do list.

  I made my way to Jen’s office to meet with Lisa. She would drive us from there. Part of me was excited for this new chapter, yet part of me ached inside. It was all such a mix of emotions. I met Lisa in the parking lot and got into her car. We drove to the first house, which was in a sweet little neighborhood with young families. The house wasn’t much to look at on the outside. It was dated and needed some work, and some flowers would do the outside wonders.

  The inside was much better as it had been updated from top to bottom. The kitchen was absolutely beautiful, with gray and white granite countertops. The center island was the focal point of the kitchen. It reminded me of Ryan’s kitchen. We made our way through the rest of the house. Each house I looked at was a three-bedroom. I wanted the kids to have their own bedrooms when they came home on breaks. We took the afternoon and looked at the other two houses.

  One was an adorable bungalow in South Tampa. I didn’t necessarily want to live in South Tampa, but the house drew me in. I loved the charm of old homes, and this one had been updated. It was also on a double lot so there was some room to breathe without neighbors being too close. South Tampa had a certain charm to it and I had always loved Hyde Park. The house was in walking distance to there, so I could walk and have coffee in the morning if I wanted to. Lisa drove us back to the office and I thanked her for her time.

  “Thank you so much, Lisa. I really appreciate y
ou fitting me in today. I will be in touch. There’s a lot to think about but this has given me a fresh perspective on what’s out there.”

  “No rush, Kate. There’s plenty more to see if you don’t settle on one of these. I know we were in three totally different areas, so it all depends on where you want to be for the next year.”

  “Yes, it does. I need to think about that and do some serious soul searching. I don’t want to jump in and regret it.”

  “No worries. Call me when you are ready. I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Thanks, Lisa.”

  Where I really wanted to be was in Beaufort with Ryan. My heart longed for his touch and to be in his proximity.

  “Stop it, Kate. It was fun for the week, but you have to let go. Your life is here. The end.” Tears pooled in my eyes. “Get a hold of yourself, Kate Jones. You have to stop crying, for Christ’s sake.”

  I pulled out of the parking lot and made my way home. Daniel would be home soon. I had to get myself together so that I could take on whatever it was that he would throw at me. I honestly had no idea what his reaction would be, but I knew I needed to be prepared. I needed to be strong and not let him manipulate the situation. Daniel was good at manipulation. Being away from him really opened my eyes to that. I couldn’t let him take advantage of my weakness.

  I arrived home and made my way to the back patio. I’d always loved it out there. It was so peaceful, and I had been out there for about an hour when I heard the door to the mudroom open. Daniel was home. My heart dropped.

  “Okay, Kate. You can do this,” I whispered to myself.

  “Hello, Kate. It’s so good to see you home. I’ve missed you.”

  “Hi, Daniel.”

  I couldn’t say it was good to be home or that I missed him because I would be lying. This situation we were in was a shit show, so I wasn’t happy to be there. I certainly wasn’t happy to see him.