“Okay, sweetie. I love you.”
“Love you, too.”
“Take care of yourself, Emery.”
“I will, Mom. Bye.”
“Bye.”
I started toward the cafe’, and Nick met me at the door, two iced coffees in hand. He nodded toward the picnic table outside, that familiar spark in his eyes.
Don’t fall for it, Emery . . .
I drew a shaky breath and took the seat across from him. “Thanks for the coffee.”
“Thanks for agreeing to talk.”
All kinds of awkward stretched out between us. “So, how do you want to do this?”
He shrugged, sipping his coffee once before leaning back and crossing his arms. “I get that what I did was wrong. Beyond wrong. And, uh . . . I already told you I’d take it all back if I could. But I guess . . . I guess I don’t get how you can just shut it off so quickly like that. You haven’t really given me a chance to prove that it was a stupid mistake, you know?”
“I don’t really think I need to give you a chance to prov—”
“Look,” he interjected.
I tried not to roll my eyes, but an apology without listening wasn’t really an apology in my book.
He shook his head. “I know you have the right to do what you want to. And I mean. Yeah. If I saw a video of you like the one you saw of me, I’d be equally upset. But I guess, I’m asking if you have to hate me for it, you know? It was a mistake.”
“Nick, I don’t hate you,” I replied, not sure where he was going with everything. Not sure why I agreed to come in the first place. Not sure why the strain in his voice was working its way through my defenses. None of it could matter. I had to stick to my guns. “Just, I don’t see how we can be friends after what we had. And as much as I wish I could forgive and forget, I haven’t been able to yet. I’m sorry. I really don’t know what else to say.”
He gnawed his bottom lip and traced the edge of the table with his thumbnail. “So, you’re totally good calling it quits?”
My heart slammed, and my palms slicked, and my lungs fought for air. No! I wasn’t totally good calling it quits. So much of me wanted to go back to before it all happened, but we couldn’t do that now. We never would. I blinked against the sting in my eyes. “I don’t think I’ll ever be a hundred percent over you. But I’m over you enough to know it won’t work.”
He drew a sharp breath and clamped his jaw, laser focus set on me again, his brows drawing together the way they did when his parents’ divorce was finalized last year. “Well. I hope you’re all right with me staying here for the summer. I kind of already gave up my spot on the travel team for you, so—”
“You gave up your scholarship?” I asked, panic washing through my veins.
“Not exactly.” He ducked his head. “But I jeopardized my fall position. If the guy they pull up for summer’s better than me, they won’t take me back.”
He loved baseball more than anything. He wouldn’t have done that. He shouldn’t have done that. “Nick. Why would you do that?”
“I’ll do anything to get you back, Emery.”
“Why?” I asked, and it was probably a dumb question. No matter what his answer was, I couldn’t relent. We were too different.
“Because, I love you. And losing you made me realize how strong our connection is. I don’t want to break it for anything, Ems. I mean. I still envision everything we talked about when I think about the future. Don’t you?”
“It doesn’t matter what we talked about.” My eyes misted. I took a sip of my coffee to distract myself from the truth. “I deserve to be loved better than the way you loved me. Do you really think that’s so wrong for me to want?”
He shook his head, working his jaw as he studied me. “No. But, what if I can promise to love you the way you deserve?”
I shrugged, swiping my finger across a drop of condensation on my cup. “I’m sorry. I can’t trust you anymore.”
He released a long breath, cleared his throat, and rubbed his elbow. “Just. If you change your mind let me know, all right?” He stood and grabbed his coffee off the table. “I’ll see you around.”
“Yeah,” I whispered, eyes burning as he walked away. I wanted to stop him and tell him I could do it. That my mind was changing. But I refused.
I came here for a reason. He wasn’t meant for me.
Please help me out, God.
“Hey, Emery!” June shouted at me from across the food court. She smiled and came over with a coffee of her own. “Are you on your break?”
-Tucker-
“What’s your deal, bro?” Mal asked me, as we headed toward our lodge after dinner.
“Nothing, man. Just have a lot on my mind.”
“Yeah. How’re things going by the way? Your brothers doing all right?”
I nodded, scratching the back of my neck as we passed the rec center and the staff break room. “Seems like it. My mom’s been working a ton, though. She was acting really weird when I called last night.”
“Like, tired-weird? Or, something else?”
I shook my head, my gut twisting a little worse. “I’m not there . . . it’s hard to tell.”
He scratched his face, shrugging. “I’d give her the benefit of the doubt. Your dad left, right? Can’t expect her to be on her best game right now.”
“I guess,” I mumbled. “Still, it doesn’t explain the weird things she was saying and the fact that she’s neglecting Kyler.”
“No. That’s rough man. Do you think there’s anything else behind it? She’s not . . . using, or anything, right?”
I clenched my teeth so hard my ears rang. “No.”
He raised his hands out to the sides. “Sorry, bro. Just sounds like something my cousin would’ve done when he was on stuff.”
My teeth grated. I’d never told him about my Mom’s past because that’s where she left it when I was born. She wouldn’t revert back after twenty-three years.
“All right. So, change of subject. Did you hear about your girl and her ex?”
“She’s not my girl.” I don’t know how many times I needed to tell him, but he wouldn’t stop with the whole chase-Emery-campaign.
He shook his head. “The chance’ll pass quick if you don’t jump on it.”
“I barely know her, Mal. Besides, my plate’s already full this summer.”
“You’re crazy, Tuck.”
“I actually think I’m being pretty smart this time.”
“Speaking of crazy,” Mal said, stopping and nodding toward the path leading to the girls’ lodge. Lauren stood frozen in the middle of the sidewalk with her best friend Mila, sobbing. It hit me in the gut.
“Should we go over there?” he asked.
No. We should not go over there for any reason. Pastor Gregg’s warning cycled through my mind. “For what?”
“Look at her, man.”
I didn’t want to, but I followed his gaze anyway. Mila was hugging her, Lauren’s shoulders shaking uncontrollably, her face buried in Mila’s shoulder. A hairline crack split across that iced-over place in my chest where I used to care about her.
“Guarantee you it’s something about her guy,” I muttered. Lauren was a lot, but she wasn’t weak. She wouldn’t break like that in public over nothing.
“Come on, dude.” Mal led the way toward them.
Talking her through her new boyfriend issues was the last thing I wanted to do, but we did care about each other before. That meant something, right?
Mila stiffened as we approached. “What’re you guys doing?”
Mal lifted a shoulder. “Looks like she’s hurting. Everything okay?”
“She’s fine,” she said, eyes flicking to me.
“All right, we’ll just head back then,” Mal said, nodding.
I knew this was dumb.
I slid my hands inside my pockets, trying not to look at Lauren, but she was hurting. I turned to head back with Mal.
“Tucker, wait,” Lauren said, behind me.
“Please.”
I froze. It was a bad idea to stay and try to help, but she was frantic. And we had history. Not the best history in the world, but it was still something we shared. I swallowed and turned around, holding her pained gaze.
She turned to Mila and mumbled something I couldn’t make out. Mila sighed, stepping away from Lauren. She walked past me in Mal’s direction and they headed out together.
Great. So now it was just me and Lauren.
I rubbed the back of my neck, nodding toward the well-lit roadway between her lodge and mine. “Do you need to talk?”
She sniffed, wiping her eyes on her sleeves as she followed. “I probably look so stupid.”
“You don’t look stupid.” I walked beside her, not really sure what I was supposed to do. A part of me wanted to pull her into my arms and shield her from the pain, but the smarter part remembered where that got me last summer.
Fooled and betrayed.
I leaned back against the light post and slid my hands inside my pockets instead, glancing down at her.
Arms folded, she stared at the ground, drawing a deep breath. “I just got off the phone with Ren. He ended it.”
Yup. I knew it was a guy thing. “And, you obviously weren’t done with him, right?”
She lifted her eyes to mine, full of pain and tears.
Don’t fall for it, Tucker . . .
“What’s wrong with me, Tucker? Why can’t I keep a decent guy? Am I really that repulsive?”
Did she want the truth? Probably not, but I was done avoiding reality. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Lauren. It’s just. I don’t think anyone can live up to your standards, and trying and failing gets old really fast.”
She nodded, a silent tear trailing down her face.
I pulled my hands out of my pockets to cross my arms.
She closed her eyes, drawing another breath. “I don’t know why I can’t see what I have until I mess it up . . . ”
“I don’t know either.” That familiar longing returned to my heart, but I knew myself too well to put any stock in it. That longing had nothing to do with Lauren, and everything to do with my situation. I didn’t need to fall back into old habits to try and soothe myself. And, I wouldn’t use her like that.
She swiped at her eyes again and turned her attention to the road between us. “I’m sorry for the way things ended between us,” she said, softly, looking up at me again, her caramel eyes tugging at those familiar strings in my chest. “And at least, if you think things are really over between us, maybe we can try and be friends?”
Huh. Interesting concept. “The exes-to-friends thing never really works out in the long run, though, Lauren.”
“I miss you, Tucker.” A long silence fell between us before she stepped closer and slid her arms around me, resting her cheek against my chest like old times.
I released a heavy sigh and dropped my chin to her head, the smell of her hair the same as it was last summer, bringing back too many memories to deflect. “I’m sorry he hurt you,” I said, softly, sliding my arms across her back because it was that easy, but I refused to cave. “I’ll be praying for you, all right?”
She nodded and sniffed again before releasing me and taking a step back. “Bye, Tuck.”
“See you.”
With that, she turned around and headed up the hill in a hurry, passing a frozen Emery on her way. Emery just stood there, staring at me in disbelief before she headed up to her lodge.
Awesome.
FOURTEEN
-Emery-
I rushed to my room, ignoring the image of Tucker holding Lauren back there. There was no reason to care if they were getting back together. Lauren practically announced that was happening a few days ago anyway, right? Besides, whatever it was, I definitely wasn’t in the place to judge.
Not that the thought soothed my twisting stomach any.
But, why was it twisting?
Lauren came through the door a few seconds after me, flipping her hair, lips pressed together in a tight line.
For some reason, I wanted to ignore her.
“Are you okay?” I made myself ask it. She was obviously going through something tough, and girls were supposed to have each other’s backs.
“I’m fine.” She lifted her chin, kicked off her running shoes, and sent them flying inside her closet.
“If you want to talk about it—”
“I don’t. Thanks for trying, Emery. And, no offense, but life outside of high school gets complicated, and so do relationships. Sorry, but you have no way of relating to what I’m going through.”
Was she seriously brushing me off like I was two? Whatever her deal was, I could still be kind. Couldn’t I? “I’m here if you change your mind.”
She scoffed and thumbed through her thousand different tops, pulling a red flannel long sleeve out of her closet. “Thanks, but no thanks,” she said, as she stepped into a pair of tan hiking boots, tied her flannel around her waist, and headed out the door.
The door clicked shut and I took it as my cue to shower and head to bed. I’d worked with Tucker four days. I had no right to be jealous over him, or assume he was as honest as he seemed. And if he was into a girl like Lauren, it made it that much easier for me to ignore whatever vibe we had going.
If we even had a vibe.
What was I talking about?
I needed to go to bed.
Morning came, and I stepped out onto the front porch, throwing my hair up into a bun on my way to meet Tucker at the maintenance yard.
“Uh. Hey, Ems.” Nick’s deep voice sounded beside me, and I almost jumped out of my skin.
I drew a sharp breath and turned to see him holding out a bundle of wildflowers. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you. I picked these for you this morning.” He glanced at the hill behind me. “Just remembered how much you like wildflowers.”
“Oh.” I stared at them. They were beautiful, but . . . “That’s super sweet. Um. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about us though. Our talk was supposed to be a just-friends thing.”
“I know.” He nodded. “Friends can pick flowers for each other, though, can’t they?”
“I mean. They don’t usually, right?”
“I’ll leave them here then.” He set them on the rocking chair and started to head out, all defeated. “See you around,” he mumbled over his shoulder.
I closed my eyes. “Wait.”
He froze.
This was so weird. I had no idea how I was supposed to react when he used to be my source of comfort. I swallowed and stepped off the porch, nodding toward the pathway leading to the maintenance yard. “Want to walk me to work?”
“I don’t know. Can friends do that?”
He would be snarky . . .
I rolled my eyes. “Just walk me, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Hang on. I’ll put these in water first.” I went to my room, trying to sift through all of the nostalgia pulling in my chest because of him. Because of us. When I came back out, he gave me a little grin.
“Sorry. I’m just so lost right now.”
I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “Me too.” My feet hit the porch beside his and he joined me down the steps and onto the road leading to Maintenance, nothing but our breaths and crunching footsteps to listen to.
I cleared my throat. “Did you sleep okay?”
“Do you really want to know the answer to that?”
I swallowed. No. I didn’t. “So you’re working the Boathouse this summer?”
“Yeah.”
“How’s that going?” He smelled the same, looked the same, and sounded the same, but everything was totally different between us. I hated it.
“Good.” He shot me another almost grin. “Nolan, the guy that runs it, he’s pretty cool. Seems like it’ll be a lot of fun.”
I turned my eyes to the road and ignored the urge to reach for his hand. “And you really plan to stay the whole summer?” I drew a deep breath, trying t
o clear the tension in my chest. “Even though we’re not . . . together.”
“Don’t really have another option. Dad kind of kicked me out since I decided to quit the travel team.”
“You got kicked out?” My heart stopped as I turned to look at him.
He shrugged. “We don’t always see eye-to-eye.”
“I know, but I guess I never thought he’d be that upset over anything.”
“He wants me to go pro. Perfection’s the standard, right?”
Wow. He got kicked out because of Bridgeport. And, he was here for me. “I’m sorry he did that.”
“Whatever. Being here’s making me get why you love it so much.”
I nodded. I had to find a way to convince my coach to let me stay the whole summer, too. “It’s amazing, right?”
He turned to study me. “It is. But what about you, Emery? Your parents are cool with you risking your scholarship to come?”
I winced and clung to my lanyard, turning back to the road. “I’m not exactly risking it.”
“You were so excited about the summer program before everything went down between us.”
“It’s optional.”
He frowned. “You know what optional means at the college level.”
“Bridgeport’s where I need to be right now.” I swallowed. “The coach okayed it. At least, for a few weeks.”
“He can’t force you to come before the season starts, but I can guarantee he wants you there.”
“I know he does,” I said, softly because it was true.
Nick sighed. “I know I broke your heart, Emery. And, I’m sorry for that. Honestly. But, you can’t let it affect your game. You’d never be able to live with yourself if you lost your spot because of all of this. Neither would I.”
He knew me so well, but there was something I was searching for here. I just couldn’t see it yet. A reason beyond my own logic. Maybe it was just finding peace in who I was. Maybe it was finding confidence in facing the future alone. I had a hunch it was something more, but it wasn’t clear yet.
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