Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds

by David C. Pollock

  There is another situation that may be the cause of anger. TCKs who have spent many years physically apart from their parents by being away at a boarding school or back in the passport country, or perhaps even when one parent is away on deployment or frequent short-term assignments, may, as we said, unrealistically idealize them. As young adults, these TCKs begin to discover their own imperfections, realize their parents aren’t perfect either, and not only become angry at the loss of their fantasy but also begin to blame their parents for the lack of perfection in themselves. “If I’d just lived a normal life or had better parents, I wouldn’t be struggling the way I am now.” While anger against parents for imperfections in ourselves is probably a normal part of the developmental process for everyone, TCK or not, when parents remain overseas, working through it can be difficult for all concerned.

  The bottom line is that no matter what the reason for the anger, it’s often turned against the parents and may be expressed in an almost punitive rebellion—the TCKs want to hurt those who they feel hurt them.

  A major problem with delayed adolescent rebellion, however, is that rebellion in the mid-to-late twenties may have a destructive effect far beyond that of teenage rebellion.

  Pierre was a diplomat’s son from Switzerland who grew up in four different South American countries. During his early twenties, when friends asked how he had liked his nomadic lifestyle, he always replied, “Oh, I loved it! it never bothered me to pack up and move. We always knew there was something very exciting ahead. I’ve lived in nine different countries.”

  After marriage and three children, however, the story changed. Certain job situations didn’t work out. He became tired of trying to find ways to support his wife and children. In the end, he became totally disenchanted with family life and the attendant responsibilities and simply walked away from everything he’d apparently valued before. “I’ve spent my life,” he replied to those who questioned him, “doing what everyone else wanted me to do and i’m tired of it. Now I’m finally going to do whatever I want to do.”

  We stress that this type of rebellion is neither desirable nor necessary. The TCK as well as parents, family, and friends are all wounded in this process. Being aware of some of the reasons delayed rebellion occurs may sometimes prevent it, or it may help the family deal with delayed adolescence in its early stages, so they and their TCKs aren’t held prisoners to destructive behavior. Perhaps the best preventive measure parents and other adults can take against this type of rebellion is to make sure, even in situations where their TCKs are raised in a strong organizational (or family) system, that there are opportunities for the children to make real choices in matters that don’t compromise their safety or the agency’s effectiveness. This says to the child, “I am listening to you. Your needs are heard. You don’t have to scream to get my attention.” Most importantly, TCKs and ATCKs who read these lines and recognize themselves need to know they have the choice to take responsibility for their own actions and find help for their behavior rather than continuing to blame others for how awful their lives have been or become. (See chapter 19 for further help in this area.)

  Identity in a “System”

  TCKs who grow up in the subculture of the parents’ sponsoring organization have a few extra factors to deal with in this process of establishing a sense of identity. Although in reality these issues are extensions of what we have already discussed, it’s important to understand how growing up in what is often a fairly structured community can be one more factor in a TCK’s developmental process.

  There can be many benefits to living in a carefully defined system. In many situations, the whole system of the sponsoring organization serves to some extent as both family and community. It provides materially as a good parent might, with air travel paid for, housing provided, and perhaps special stores made available. In many cases, as mentioned earlier, it also provides specific guidance or regulations for behavior.

  An organizational system is one of the places where the need for belonging can truly be fulfilled because there are clear demarcations of who does and doesn’t belong. Some TCKs have a deeper sense of belonging to that community than they will ever have with any other group and feel secure within the well-ordered structure of their particular system.

  Other TCKs, however, feel stifled by the organizational system in which they grew up. They may be straining at the bit to get out of what they see as the rigid policies of the system. They realize that they have had almost no choice in countless matters that have deeply affected their lives—such as when and where their parents moved, where they could go to school, how to behave in certain common circumstances, or how they could express their inner passions. They see their organization as an uncaring nemesis and feel intense rage at a system that requires conformity to rules and regulations regardless of individual preferences. Some blame the system for ruining their lives.

  Certainly anyone who grows up in a clearly defined system is very much aware of how the group expects its members to behave. Failure to conform brings great shame on the TCK or the whole family. In many cases, the rules of these systems are a higher priority than the rules of the family, superseding decisions parents would normally make for their own children—such as when and where the children go to school.

  What might make the difference in how or why an organizational system seems so positive for one person and restrictive for another? At the risk of oversimplifying, and recognizing that there are many differences in how each agency may be run, Figure 11-4 outlines the basic ways Barb Knuckles has identified of how TCKs relate to the system in which they grew up—from the perspective of their own personal makeup, gifts, and personality. Understanding this perspective can help us answer the preceding question.

  1. A TCK who fits the system. Feeling comfortable is relatively easy for those whose personality and interests pretty well fit within the structure or rules of the system under which they have grown up. It might be an easygoing military kid who never seems to question authority, a pragmatic missionary kid who doesn’t see the point of the fancy accessories in a Lexus, or a diplomat’s kid who is an extrovert and thrives on meeting new people. They can go along with how life works in this system and it doesn’t conflict with how they think, what they like to do, what they want to be, or, most important, who they are by their very nature. There is room in this system to express who they are at this core. It’s a pretty good match.

  Figure 11-4 BarbekModel: Identity Related to Systems

  (Barbek System and Identity Model © 2008 Barbara H. Knuckles)

  2. A TCK who doesn’t fit the system but attempts to conform. Other children don’t match the system as well. Secretly, they prefer rap music while others around them are denouncing it as junk. They long for color and beautiful decor but live in a plain, brown, adobe-type home within a system that feels it isn’t spiritual to focus on worldly beauty. They find crowds of new people frightening, but they paste on a smile and act cordial to the dignitaries at the never-ending receptions. They have learned not to reveal their feelings or desires, because they learned early on that it was wrong to feel or think that way. Instead of being able to explore the mystery of their own personality and set of gifts, they feel ashamed of this secret longing and try harder and harder to be what they perceive the system says they should be.

  The major problem for members of this second group is that their sense of identity comes almost totally from an external system rather than from the unique mix and validity of who they are deep within. If this type of conformity doesn’t change at some point, people in this group may become more and more rigid over the years in adhering to the system that now defines them. They fear that if they let any part of it go, they will lose themselves because they don’t know who they are without this structure to hold them together.

  3. A person who doesn’t completely fit the system but doesn’t realize (or at least seem to mind) it.People in this group go ahead and listen to rap—not to be rebellious, bu
t because they like it. It doesn’t occur to them—or worry them—that others might disapprove. If told that others might disapprove, they would likely respond, “That’s okay. If they do, I’ll use my earphones.” They stay in their rooms and read—not because they’re rejecting the social scene, but because they love to read. They make decisions that don’t quite match those of everyone else—not for the sake of being different but simply because they prefer they way they’ve chosen. They don’t feel compelled to be exactly like everyone else but are happy to join with others when they do share an interest. Perhaps they have the inner security to be independent because many of their foundational needs of relationship and belonging have been well met in early years within their family. Maybe it just happens to be one of the attributes of their personality. Either way, they are discovering and operating from who they are inside rather than letting their environment define them.

  4. A person who doesn’t fit the system, knows it, and spends years of his or her life proving it.People in this group like to think of themselves as members of the group just discussed, but they’re not. For whatever reasons, they learned early on that at least parts of them didn’t fit the system. Perhaps they cried their first night at boarding school and were told to be brave—but they couldn’t stop crying. Maybe they honestly wanted to know why things should be done one way rather than another but were given the unsatisfactory reply, “Because I said so.” Still, the burning question inside wouldn’t go away. Unfortunately, as they keep bumping into something that doesn’t fit them inside, some TCKs finally decide—consciously or unconsciously—to throw out everything the system stands for. They’ll be anything but that system.

  The irony is that these outwardly rebellious TCKs actually get their identity from the very system they’re rejecting. People who are determined to prove who they are not rarely go on to discover who they are.

  It’s important to remember that it’s not wrong to be part of a strong organizational system. An organization is an efficient and necessary way of forming a community into functional groups, usually for the purpose of accomplishing a common goal. We can relate to it, be part of it, and even have some of our core needs of belonging met by it. But it’s not, by itself, who we are. Once that’s understood, Barb’s model shows what can happen when TCKs and ATCKs can take a better look at their group and determine which parts of the system do or don’t fit with who they are, keeping in mind that they don’t have to reject or retain an entire system.

  By the time we sort through these many challenges, it’s easy to wonder once again if any TCK can survive. Dirk, a German TCK who grew up in Taiwan and went to university in the United States, has learned to live with the challenge of many cultures and places by living fully in whichever one he is currently in while not denying the others are also part of his life. He uses a computer metaphor to describe this phenomenon.

  I just build windows. I know that all my windows are open, but I have to operate in the one that’s on the screen. When I’m in America, I activate the American window. When i’m in germany, I activate the german window and the American window goes on the back burner—and so do the people in it.

  In summary, when thinking about TCKs’ identity and development issues, don’t forget the interweaving of challenges with great benefits. TCKs find in their experience numerous opportunities for fulfilling their basic human needs in the most profound ways of all, and they often emerge with a very secure self-identity. We have seen that TCKs who dare to wrestle through the hard questions of life can develop a deep and solid sense of purpose and values that go deeper than those who are not forced to sort through such questions to the same degree. In addition, the exposure to philosophical, political, and social matters that are almost part and parcel of the TCK experience means there is every potential for substantive intellectual development. By its diversity alone, a TCK’s world creates questions to ponder. This is one aspect of personhood that has every potential to be filled to overflowing for TCKs. Of all the TCKs we have met or worked with, very few would ever exchange the richness of their lives to avoid the inevitable challenges they have faced along the way.

  Lessons from the TCK Petri Dish

  Recently we heard that some that some sociologist has declared that the “normal” ending of adolescence for the population of at least the U.S. Is now age 25 or later, rather than 18 as in the past. Articles in magazines frequently talk about the “boomerang kids.” In earlier generations, kids went off to university and never came home again. What is going on? Why is it taking so long for children to “grow up” in today’s world?

  Perhaps this is one of the key places where the TCK Petri dish can begin to raise the question of what is the difference developmentally for children who grow on up among many cultural complexities, as CCKs of all backgrounds do, compared to those who grew up in the traditional monocultural experience of yesteryear. If developmental patterns are judged by old standards, formed when most people grew up in one basic cultural environment, then how can we take into account the “new normal” of what it means to grow up in a constantly changing world—a world where role models don’t exist because the jobs that many of today’s youth will get haven’t been created yet? No one has walked this way before. Perhaps a closer look at the TCK developmental experience might shed light for not only other CCKs, but for all those growing up in a world where the stability of former years seems like only a dream.

  And now we examine one of the greatest TCK challenges of all—unresolved grief.

  CHAPTER 12

  Unresolved Grief

  There was no funeral.

  No flowers.

  No ceremony.

  No one had died.

  No weeping or wailing.

  Just in my heart.

  I can’t . . .

  But I did anyway,

  and nobody knew I couldn’t.

  I don’t want to . . .

  But nobody else said they didn’t.

  So I put down my panic

  and picked up my luggage

  and got on the plane.

  There was no funeral.1

  —“Mock Funeral” by Alex Graham James

  In CHAPTER 5 WE DISCUSSED SOME OF THE REASONS FOR unresolved grief. Initially, some TCKs and ATCKs feel a bit skeptical when they first hear us say that is one of the two major challenges of the TCK experience. After all, they aren’t walking around feeling sad every day. When they think about the past, they remember happy times. The whole idea of grief seems not only nebulous, but also perhaps a tad ridiculous. They wonder exactly what we’re talking about—or if we’re being a bit extreme.

  First, we remind you this is a profile. Surely there are TCKs and ATCKs (and we hope increasingly more of them) who have had their share of mobility and losses but managed to deal with them in basically positive ways throughout life. They don’t exhibit many of the behaviors we are about to describe. They have maintained solid, close relationships in each place and stage of life, and things are going well. We are delighted each time we meet someone with that story.

  Second, we want to point out that there seems to be some age-related issues to how and when people may notice or begin to deal with some of these things. When Ruth first published Letters Never Sent,in which, at age 39, she first named some of her own losses, several people sent her surveys of high school– and university-aged TCKs to prove this was her unique experience. Most respondents to these surveys indicated they were “just fine.” At first, Ruth was willing to accept their judgments, but then she realized in her high school and university years, she had been “just fine” as well. Only in living longer did she begin to see patterns of behavior that followed her no matter where she went or what environment she was in. And in rereading these surveys, she realized that the seeds for unresolved grief were there. One statement in particular stood out: “I miss being home, but I know it’s right for me to be at boarding school because if I were home, my parents wouldn’t be able to do their work.”
That may sound noble for a 10-year-old child, but by age 35 or 40 the lens on that experience might be quite different.

  At any rate, the purpose of this discussion is not to make everyone think they aren’t true TCKs or ATCKs if this doesn’t relate to them. But we have seen what we write here often enough to know that some readers will recognize themselves, their children, their students, or their friends in the following descriptions.

  Expressions of Unresolved Grief

  Unresolved grief will always express itself somehow. Often it will be in ways that appear completely unrelated to feelings of grief and apparently focused on very different events. As we said in chapter 5, the typical reactions of unresolved grief include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, but not always in a linear or even obvious fashion.2 Many have asked us how these stages might be expressed in the third culture experience. Here are some examples of common reactions we see as TCKs try to deal with or reduce the pain of their losses.

  DENIAL

  Some TCKs and ATCKs refuse to admit to themselves the amount of sadness they have felt. “It didn’t bother me to leave my parents for boarding school when I was six. I was so excited to go that once I got on the train, I didn’t even think about them anymore.” While this may be their conscious recollection of events, they forget that if a six-year-old doesn’t miss Mommy and Daddy when he or she leaves for months at a time, something must be fundamentally wrong with that relationship—or they have already disconnected. Grief is normal when separating from those we love.