Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds

by David C. Pollock

  Others admit these separations were painful but claim to have gotten over them. Yet, as we’ve already seen, they continue to live lives that wall out close relationships to others—including spouses and children.

  ANGER

  The most common responses triggered by unresolved grief are defensiveness and a quick, flashing anger totally out of proportion to what are seemingly small circumstances in anyone else’s mind. These types of responses can have devastating consequences in every context: marriage, work, social relationships, and parenting. For some, the anger is sublimated and eventually finds expression when TCKs take up a “righteous cause.” They can defend the need for justice, environmental matters, civil rights, political reform, or religious practices with adamancy and vigor because no one can argue with their sense of outrage on such matters. Those who try will, of course, be seen as fools. This is not to say TCKs and others shouldn’t be involved with such issues, but there is often a level of intensity that seems to go beyond the cause itself.

  In any of these situations, people complain about how difficult the angry TCK is to live, work, or deal with, but few try to understand the pain behind the anger. Somewhere along the way the TCK decided the pain was simply too much to bear and replaced grief with anger as anesthesia for the pain. Unfortunately, anger ultimately increases the pain as the TCK’s world becomes more isolated and lonely; no one wants to be near such an angry person.

  BARGAINING

  Once it becomes clear that a loss is inevitable, we begin to try to figure out ways to deal with it that might ameliorate the intensity of what is ahead. We are beginning to accept the reality of what we can’t change, but can’t yet accept the finality of all this loss may entail. For TCKs, they may begin planning how “one day” they will return to the land they are leaving. Friends set up Facebook accounts. Sometimes it takes the form of planning for how to take parts of the present into the future place. Pam Davis, a counselor for TCKs, says that for all the stages, “Bargaining is okay. It’s a part of the process.” It’s a beginning step for how to deal with the losses productively.

  SADNESS/DEPRESSION

  Kübler-Ross called this stage depression; others prefer to call it sadness to differentiate this normal occurrence from a more chronic depressive condition. Either way, a feeling of sadness and lack of interest or energy is another manifestation of grief. This may be the time when TCKs listen to sad songs on the radio, don’t have much energy to complete school or work assignments, and may not even want to contact old friends, let alone make new ones. This stage is when the reality of the loss hits. We can no longer deny what is occurring, the anger wasn’t enough to stop it, the bargaining made us realize we can’t outsmart or outrun it, and it seems we are left powerless. No wonder we are sad. But in that powerlessness, the anger against the circumstances turns back against ourselves and it can, in fact, turn into a true depression if the grief gets bottled up for too long. We have met far too many ATCKs who have struggled for years with major depression because they never found a way through this stage. Just remember: sadness and depression (as well as denial, anger, and withdrawal) are normal in any grief process and must be respected as such. The problem, however, is when TCKs, ATCKs, or anyone gets stuck here because they have never been able to name the grief and mourn the loss in healthy ways.

  WITHDRAWAL

  Withdrawal is another way that TCKs express anger and/or sadness as they attempt to avoid feeling the pain of their losses. For some, physical and emotional withdrawal can be part of grief turned into a true clinical depression. If withdrawal becomes severe, with the TCK isolating from everyone and virtually everything, professional help needs to be sought with someone who understands the TCK experience. Sadly, we know of TCKs who have ended their lives or finally lashed out at others following such despair.

  But other times, withdrawal is simply another way to avoid their own pain. Some TCKs refuse to make contact with anyone from the past. They write infrequent e-mails home from university. Phone calls are rare, and text messages are brief. On the other hand, we have also seen TCKs use this as a conscious or unconscious way to strike out at parents and hurt them for “dragging me away from the place I love”—be it home or host country.

  Emotional withdrawal as a protective mechanism can continue in some situations for many years. We’ve heard story after story from parents of ATCKs whose adult children were in the midst of a life crisis but told their parents, “Don’t come. You can’t do anything.” Parents are often confused, not knowing what to do. They fail to recognize that their children may have emotionally withdrawn and denied their need for support rather than risk being disappointed that, once again, no one will be physically or emotionally present in their times of crisis.

  REBELLION

  If the normal anger felt in any grief situation isn’t dealt with, it can easily take the form of extreme rebellion. Whatever they know the parents dislike, they will do. These are the screamers to the extreme, in behavior, language, dress, and values. For some, rebellion takes an inward, silent form; for others, it’s blatant and loud. Either way, rebellion becomes the nearly impenetrable shield behind which the pain is deeply hidden. Each time a new circumstance comes that threatens to break through the fragile protection and expose the pain, it’s like something inside the TCK metaphorically grabs a trowel and slaps on more plaster to reinforce the shield. Until he or she is willing to let the protection be gently removed so the wound can be exposed to light and air, however, healing cannot begin. Too often, it winds up in the forms of delayed adolescent rebellion we mentioned earlier. One sad fact: We have yet to meet an outwardly defiant, rebellious TCK or ATCK who, when talked to long enough, doesn’t have a place of deep wounding or profound loss within. Unfortunately, that TCK’s protective behavior has too often been punished before anyone stopped to see what the wound or loss might be.

  VICARIOUS GRIEF

  Transferring the focus from personal grief to that of others is another way to express unresolved grief. A TCK might sit at an airport weeping as he or she watches total strangers say good-bye. Some TCKs go into professions where this vicarious grief finds a more active, long-term expression.

  As a child, ATCK Joan spent twelve years in boarding schools. On a conscious level, she remembered the fun of game nights, the senior banquet, and the lifelong friends she had made. She denied any particular sadness from these years of family separation, outside of the initial tears of farewell in first and second grades.

  After college, however, Joan found herself working in a daycare center. She explained her choice of career by saying, “i just want to help kids whose parents must work not to feel lonely. I like to sit and hug them all day so they know they’re wanted and loved. Kids need to be nurtured.”

  Joan realized after several years that she was excessively involved with every child under her care, trying to protect each one from emotional pain. Her anger sparked against parents who forgot to bring their child’s favorite teddy bear. She fought with other workers if they sharply reprimanded a child.

  Finally, Joan began to recognize that her deep involvement with these children reflected more than a normal concern for them. It stemmed from the extreme loneliness she had felt when separated from her own parents during her years at boarding school, which began when she was six. Instead of directly dealing with the loss of day-by-day parenting she had experienced, Joan had unconsciously tried to deal with her own grief by making sure no child under her care would feel that same pain.

  Even ATCKs who don’t express their grief through a profession often become the “rescuers” of the community. For whatever reasons, they are the unofficial dorm counselors, the ones who befriend the lonely people around, who may take in the homeless. All of these can, in fact, be noble and positive gestures, but if their activities are really a substitute for working out their own grief, their behavior eventually will become counterproductive. They may be so involved in rescuing others that they may never rescue thems
elves.

  DELAYED GRIEF

  TCKs may go through life without showing or consciously feeling any particular sadness and then suddenly find to their great surprise that a seemingly small incident triggers a huge reaction.

  For ATCK Dan, it was the first day his son, Tommy, went off to kindergarten. Dan should have been happy that Tommy was starting this new phase of life. School was only one block away so Dan walked Tommy right to the door, said good-bye, turned around to walk away—and found himself unable to see the sidewalk for the tears that filled his eyes. Once back home, his body sagged against the door as he sobbed uncontrollably. His wife couldn’t imagine what had happened. “is everything all right? is Tommy okay?” Dan could only shake his head as his body continued to shudder with pain.

  Dan was experiencing delayed grief. As he left his son at school, he suddenly had a flashback of his own departure for first grade. But the picture was different from how his son was beginning school. For Dan, the new picture put him inside a small, one-engine plane with four other school kids as it took off from a grassy airstrip. He could still see his parents standing on the edge of the forest waving to him. The memory of what he had felt while returning their farewell wave hit like an engulfing tide as he turned away from Tommy that morning.

  Often the people most surprised by the delayed grief are those feeling it. What amazes so many ATCKs is that the grief from losses they have never consciously defined seems to hit them hardest between the ages of 25 and 40. The first glimmerings of their unrecognized grief frequently begin when they have their own children. Sometimes that’s when they first ask themselves, “If my parents loved me as much as I love this baby, how could they have ever let me go away?” Or they must face the fact they aren’t the perfect parents they were expecting to be.

  Even without children, many ATCKs begin to realize that there’s a good chance that the rootlessness, withdrawal from close relationships, or whatever they’re experiencing isn’t going to change no matter how much they change their circumstances. At that point, it’s easy for ATCKs to think that if they had lived a “normal” life, they wouldn’t have problems. They begin to blame others. Family and friends are shocked that this ATCK who “never had any problems” seems suddenly to be conjuring up all sorts of fantastic painful experiences. Finally, most ATCKs begin to face the fact that some answers for their reactions to life reside inside themselves rather than in outside events and situations. At this time, many finally examine some of this unresolved grief, work through it, and move on in productive, adult ways, using what they have learned from having gone through the grieving process. Chapter 19 suggests specific ways ATCKs can help themselves and be helped in this process.

  Lessons from the TCK Petri Dish

  Because everyone in this world has suffered loss, everyone also has experienced grief, and the types of behaviors seen in TCKs and ATCKs come out in different details, perhaps, than others of different backgrounds. CCKs, however, may find even the specifics of the losses they feel or the ways they cope have much in common with traditional TCKs. Immigrant children may withdraw from any connection to their parents’ mother tongue or passport country, both in their attempt to be “the same as” their peers and because it is too hard to keep connecting with and losing the past. International adoptees often seem to be “doing just fine” throughout their school years, but in young adulthood and mid-thirties they want to discover more of their past and find themselves grieving for parents and a culture they may never know—even while being happy and contented in their current scene.

  And now, the good news: grief doesn’t need to stay unresolved. It doesn’t even need to accumulate. It’s time to move on and see what positive, productive, practical steps all involved with children who grow up cross-culturally can do to help them build their lives with strength in what we continue to call the “new normal” for our globalizing days.

  Part III

  Maximizing the Benefits

  NOW THAT WE HAVE LOOKED IN DETAIL AT THE TCK experience itself, we will move on to specific, constructive ways we all—TCKs, ATCKs, parents, relatives, friends, and sponsors alike—can be involved in maximizing the great potential benefits of this third culture life, and how to deal with the challenges in healthy ways so that the drawbacks, too, become part of the TCK’s strength and gifts.

  While the early chapters in this part focus more on how parents can help, chapter 17 speaks directly to what the sponsoring organizations or corporations can do to help the families of their employees, and then chapter 19 wraps up our book with specific suggestions for what ATCKs, their families, friends, and/or therapists can do to help put life into perspective, especially when they may have had no help or language while going through this journey.

  CHAPTER 13

  Building a Strong Foundation

  Parents raising global nomads, with the unique challenges, numerous transitions, and extraordinary opportunities presented by travel, must be mindful that their job carries an added layer of responsibility from day one.

  As the Dalai Lama says in his famous guide for living, The Art of Happiness, “A tree with strong roots can withstand the most violent storm, but the tree can’t grow roots just as the storm appears on the horizon.” It’s a wise lesson for expat parents to keep in mind throughout the process of raising their children abroad.1

  —Robin Pascoe, from Raising Global Nomads

  SO FAR, WE’VE LOOKED AT THE WORLD OF TCKS, their common characteristics, and the great gifts and some significant challenges they often face. Now it’s finally time to consider the following questions: How do third culture families make the most of their experiences in other cultures and places? How can we proactively help TCKs deal with the challenges so that, in learning to work through them, they become part of their strengths as well?

  How Parents Can Help

  Wise cross-cultural parenting doesn’t just happen. Moving to a new culture far from familiar support systems causes new stress for everyone, and parents need to ask some important questions before committing their family to such a major move.

  1. What are family needs that require attention regardless of location? For example, does any child have a learning or physical disability or a chronic medical condition that requires special care? If so, parents must make sure that those needs can be met in the new location. Will home schooling or tutoring be sufficient if special education programs aren’t available in the regular school? Will medical facilities by adequate? In addition, a child’s age and level in school are important factors to consider. For instance, the last two years of secondary school aren’t usually a good time to uproot teenagers. Not only will they miss graduating with their friends, but it also makes planning for the future harder. It’s more difficult to visit potential colleges or universities when they’re an ocean away rather than an interstate ride away. Of course, with websites and e-mail these are now not such huge obstacles, but these questions should be considered.

  2. What are the policies of the sending agency or corporation?.Does it look carefully at family and educational needs when moving personnel? In addition to reading the stated policies, parents should also talk with peers in the organization who have already made such a move.

  3. How will existing family patterns and relationships be affected by the move?. In the home culture, parents generally have a support system of extended family, friends, and people from school and church to help raise their kids. A cross-cultural move radically disrupts that support system.

  A Nigerian man told of the surprise he’d felt when he and his wife first moved to the United States so he could pursue a graduate program. In Nigeria, their family had lived in close proximity to grandparents, aunts, and uncles who often functioned as surrogate parents for their children. Finding a babysitter in Nigeria was never a problem. In the U.S., however, they were on their own. No one offered to take their children when they needed to go to class or the store. The special nurturing that comes from living in an extended
family had disappeared, and the couple had to develop completely new patterns of parenting.

  4. Do both parents favor the move? This is a key question. If both parents aren’t fully committed to a cross-cultural move, the experience often ends in disaster. Any reluctance easily turns to resentment and hostility under the pressure of adjusting to the assignment. An unwilling parent may use extremely damaging passive-aggressive methods (e.g., emotional withdrawal, drug or alcohol addiction, generalized hostility, or destructive levels of personal criticism) to sabotage the experience for the entire family.

  5. How does the family—and the individuals in it—handle stress? Parents must realize that not only they but also their children will experience stress in a cross-cultural move. Obviously, stress is part of everyone’s life, but some times specific individuals or families have a particularly hard time dealing with it. If someone in the family, or the family as a whole, becomes seriously depressed or reacts in an extreme way to stress in general, parents would be wise to seek outside counsel before planning a cross-cultural move. One family whose son had a learning disability decided not to move again until their son finished high school because they realized he could not adjust to new classroom situations and new language environments without going into major withdrawal and depression.