Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds

by David C. Pollock

  Another important benefit offered by international schools is their general understanding of the internationally mobile experience. Many international schools have a 30 percent or more turnover rate each year as families are transferred in and out. Students understand what it is like to be “the new kid on the block” and typically extend themselves toward the newcomer. Administrators, teachers, and counselors also understand the transition experience. Doug Ota, a guidance counselor at the American School of the Hague, and his team have developed a comprehensive program that includes students, parents, and staff. The foundation of this program began initially in the 1990s when Shell Oil funded a pilot program designed by Barbara Schaetti to evaluate how a good approach to transition could be accomplished by a systemic approach as well as an individualistic response alone. More schools are implementing such models. Indeed, when parents have to choose between two or more international schools (not an uncommon situation in European and Asian capitals), they might want to factor into their decision which school provides ongoing, institutionalized transition programming. The school that offers transition activities to facilitate the adjustment of arrivals and departures and that integrates intercultural skill building and cultural identity explorations into the academic curriculum is probably the school to choose.6

  The major drawback of international schools is their great expense. If parents are working for an agency that doesn’t pay educational costs, the tuition may be prohibitive.

  BOARDING SCHOOLS

  Figure 15-6 Pros and Cons of Boarding Schools

  Many boarding schools around the world originally developed when strong formal educational programs of any kind were severely limited in many of the countries where third culture families worked. In those early days of international mobility, when missionary parents began a hospital in remote jungles or government officials moved to faraway lands to administer colonial regimes, few educational options were available for their children. Generally, the choices these families had were to homeschool their children or leave them with relatives or a boarding situation in their homeland.

  In the early years of the twentieth century, however, various mission and colonial agencies founded boarding schools in the host countries as an attempt to help TCKs remain closer to their parents. The schools catered to students primarily from Britain or North America, and the curriculum was generally either British- or American-based. Children from other countries had to adjust as best they could.

  Much of this has changed and is still changing. Now many of these same boarding schools have students from a broad spectrum of the international population, and they have students and teachers from the host country as well. Host country parents may want to send their children to a primarily English-based school to increase their chances of being competitive in the global marketplace. While there are many good things about this, these children live a very TCK-like experience as they change cultural worlds on a regular basis, and parents need to understand that as well. Some highly mobile families or those in dangerous assignments still choose to use boarding schools back in the passport country, particularly for the high school years.

  Some obvious benefits of these boarding schools are the opportunities students have to make close friends with their peers, to have healthy competition in sports or other areas, and to have trained teachers and a committed staff caring for them. In addition, children attending boarding school in their host country are usually closer to parents than they would be if left back in the home country.

  The negatives mainly have to do with the separation from parents and home. In the past, many children left home to go to boarding school at five or six years of age and were separated from their parents for long periods of time. This had been a common practice in Britain for years, and these schools were held up as proof that children survived well in such settings. Unfortunately, as adults some have had to deal with deep feelings of abandonment stemming from these early patterns of separation.

  Another drawback for boarding schools is that it’s almost impossible for parents to monitor what is happening on a day-to-day basis. In former days, many times parents didn’t know until long afterward if their child was having academic or personal problems or difficulties with a staff member. However, in today’s world of instant messaging, e-mails, Skype, and the like, this is improving, but it can potentially happen even now. Some ATCKs feel they were raised by older students, or even peers in the boarding school, rather than by adults. In the extreme, there has been and is the risk of child abuse when any child is vulnerable as they may be when away from parents in such situations. While certainly not the norm, mistreatment occurs often enough to be of legitimate concern to parents.

  Our suggestions for parents considering the boarding school option are to take into account the child’s age and temperament, the character and reputation of the school, how often they will be able to see the child, and whether their child’s communication with them is unhindered (someschools in the past have monitored their students’ contact with parents).

  As new findings continue to stress the importance of attachment and of strong bonding with parents during a child’s early years, and after listening to so many adults struggle to come to terms with early separations, we believe it’s not wise with so many other options available to send young children—particularly those as young as five or six—to boarding school unless there are absolutely no other alternatives. It is simply impossible to measure how that kind of separation affects the children, or which ones will struggle with the effects of separation later on and which won’t.

  While it’s good to include children in all discussions regarding their schooling, the decision about boarding school is one area in which this type of inclusion is vital. The feeling of abandonment expressed by ATCKs seems most often to come from those who say they were “sent off.” When parents include children in the decision-making process, acknowledge the pros and cons of each schooling option, and listen carefully to the children’s concerns and preferences, it makes a long-term difference. Children whose opinions are taken into account see that their thoughts and feelings matter; they do, indeed, feel valued.

  PREUNIVERSITY SCHOOLING IN THE HOME COUNTRY

  Figure 15-7 Pros and Cons of Preuniversity Schooling in the Home Country

  As we mentioned, leaving children with relatives or at a boarding school in the homeland used to be a common practice for third culture families. In fact, the normal practice for internationally mobile families until the late 1950s and early 1960s involved leaving TCKs in the homeland for secondary school, which often meant four or more years of separation from parents—all without benefit of e-mail, instant messaging, or Skype. We know many now older ATCKs who never saw or talked with their parents even once during that four-year stint.7

  Although sending preuniversity TCKs to school in the home country while parents remain overseas is no longer a common practice, it remains an option. Some families feel that nothing else suits their needs. Perhaps the parents take their first overseas assignment while a teenager has only a year to go to finish high school. That child doesn’t want to switch schools and the corporation says the assignment can’t wait. Relatives may offer to keep the teenager for the year. Perhaps the TCK prefers living with relatives at home rather than going to a boarding school overseas, which was why Courtney left Saudi Arabia and returned to the United States to live with her grandparents. She felt if the only other option was to go to a boarding school where her American expatriate peers made up most of the student body, she would rather be with her grandparents. There can be any number of legitimate reasons for this choice.

  The major benefit, of course, is that an early start in the school system of the home country makes it easier for TCKs to continue successfully in that system through university. But such a benefit must be weighed against the trauma of leaving their lifelong friends overseas (unless those friends are also moving) before the normally accepted time of secondary school
graduation. Also, this question remains: How does changing cultures and facing all the issues of reentry during the height of identity formation in the early teen years affect TCKs compared to those who make the same switch a few years later? Some questions for researchers to consider are: Do TCKs who stay through high school in the international scene with the friends and life they have known move on with a more integrated sense of themselves as “internationals”? Is it possible, developmentally, that while they will still go through cultural adjustments when repatriating, they have had the opportunity—much as those who make a cross-cultural move initially as adults—to explore their abilities, their sense of belonging, in a context they know? When they change cultures at repatriation, do they have more capacity to see it as one more new experience rather than a demolition of all they have presumed themselves to be? We would love to see further discussion on these issues.

  For some TCKs, of course, it may be essential to return home before attending university. Those who face competitive exams in their midteens may find this the only real option if they wish to pursue certain careers. We’ve noticed a major difference in schooling patterns among Australian and New Zealand TCKs as compared to Americans. Most Americans can easily return to the United States at age seventeen or eighteen and go directly to university, but TCKs from “down under” generally return to their home countries by the age of fifteen so they can prepare for the exams that determine which courses they will take at university. When TCKs do need to repatriate before university for any reason, it’s helpful for them to find ways to keep in touch with friends left behind. Some have even gone back to participate with their original class in high school graduation exercises. Depending on the circumstances of their early leaving, this can help them have good closure with the past if that is still needed.

  The major drawback of schooling in the home country is the great distance from parents. In these days of e-mail and Skype, communication is certainly far easier than in the last century. Nevertheless, an ocean apart is still pretty far to be away. With increased ease of travel, however, for those who can afford it, parents and children often make more frequent trips back and forth compared to former years.

  It’s obvious that there are many good choices for educating TCKs and statistics show that, as a group, they do well academically. A survey of 608 adult missionary kids conducted by MK CART/CORE (a research organization composed of ten mission agencies) resulted in these statistics:

  • 30 percent of the respondents graduated from high school with honors

  • 27 percent were elected to the National Honor Society

  • 94 percent went on to university-level studies

  • 73 percent graduated from university

  • 25 percent graduated from university with honors

  • 3 percent were Phi Beta Kappas

  • 11 percent were listed in Who’s Who in American Colleges and Universities 8

  Another survey on ATCKs confirms that a strikingly high percentage of TCKs go on to postsecondary school education. In 1993, a study of 680 ATCKs done by John and Ruth Hill Useem and their colleagues showed that while only 21 percent of the U.S. Population as a whole has graduated from a four-year college or university, 81 percent of the ATCKs they surveyed had earned at least a bachelor’s degree. Half of them went on to earn master’s or doctorate degrees.9 Undoubtedly, with thoughtful planning and wise choices, the educational process for TCKs has every chance of being a rich one indeed.

  Lessons from the TCK Petri Dish

  CCKs of many different backgrounds may also face serious questions regarding their schooling options, particularly if the schools around them differ in language or culture from the parents’ primary culture(s). They may not have or choose to use some of the options mentioned in this chapter, but all parents must remember how critical their choice of educational options will be. We hope that some of this discussion will help non-TCK families also know what things to consider as they make their choices too.

  CHAPTER 16

  Enjoying the Journey

  I am from Belgium, where the clouds are usually soaked in rain,

  I am from Italy, where the clouds are always cleared by sunlight,

  I am from Poland, where the sky is as dark as coal,

  I am from Mozart, whose music charmed peoples’ hearts and woke their souls,

  I am from my dreams and nightmares, where my imagination takes over,

  I am from Egypt, whose mysteries haunt peoples’ minds,

  I am from the ocean, where the waves calm my thoughts,

  I am from the mountains, where the echo calls my name,

  Most of all, I am from my family, where my heart truly belongs.1

  —”I am from . . . “ by Hendrik Verrijssen

  BELGIAN CITIZEN HENDRIK VERRIJSSEN WROTE THIS POEM at the age of 12. In these few lines, he captures the incredible wealth of his experience, the challenge of defining his roots geographically, and the comfort of defining them relationally. He gives evidence that while mobility may interrupt the traditional patterns of developmental flow and relationship building, globally mobile families can reach the same goals of helping their TCKs develop to their fullest potential and maintain relationships through less traditional, but equally positive, patterns of family living. Where do we start?

  Have fun!

  Never forget: one of the best aspects of a TCK lifestyle is the fun it can be. In his book Living Overseas, Ted Ward emphasizes the importance of enjoying the adventure—of living!2 Having fun in the journey is another great way to tie the many elements of a TCK’s life together into a cohesive whole that is essential for building a strong sense of identity.

  Unpack your Bags and Plant your Trees

  Without knowing he had a name for his TCK experience, Ruth’s dad, Charles Frame, gave her solid, lifelong advice.

  “Ruth, wherever you go in life, unpack your bags—physically and mentally—and plant your trees. Too many people never live in the now because they assume the time is too short to settle in. They don’t plant trees because they expect to be gone before the trees bear fruit. But if you keep thinking about the next move, you’ll never live fully where you are. When it’s time to go, then it’s time to go, but you won’t have missed what this experience was about. If you never eat from the trees, someone else will.” and he followed his advice by planting trees all around their home in Kano, Nigeria. Twelve years after going back to the United States, Ruth made her first trip back to Kano. As she picked and ate an orange off one of his trees, she knew he had been right.

  For any member of a globally nomadic family, following this simple piece of advice can make all the difference in whether it is a positive experience or not. It means you have made a choice to embrace all the possibilities and live with an openness to all the opportunities this life affords rather than to live in a self-protective mode. As parents model this, TCKs get the picture and will do it themselves.

  TOUR WHEN TRAVELING BETWEEN COUNTRIES

  Stopping off in various countries while traveling between home and host countries is another experience that adds fun to the third culture lifestyle. Such stops expand the world of TCKs and they create lifelong memories. Courtney had this to say about her travels:

  My memory is much bigger than most of my friends’ because of all the exciting places my parents took me on our trips between Saudi Arabia and America. When we went to England or Germany, for example, knowing I loved art, my Mom would take me to the museums while my sister and dad went off on other excursions. I learned so much by absorbing the cultures we encountered; we would take tours and soak up the information the guides told us.

  My parents may not realize that the most profound thing they did for me was to take me to Dachau. I must have been about 11 or 12. We walked the grounds; we looked at everything; I cried. My parents did not protect me; they exposed me to everything—including the crematoriums, gas chambers, photos. When you read about World War II and the concentration camps, I c
an’t imagine how you can truly understand it without seeing it. I just stood there, overwhelmed, and thought, how is this possible? it was so big.

  I am filled up when I think of all that I’ve seen and touched, and how much I want to return and touch them all again.

  EXPLORE AND BECOME INVOLVED IN THE SURROUNDINGS

  When families arrive overseas, parents shouldn’t forget the plans they made beforehand to get to know their host country. Ironically, the richness of their lives can become so routine that TCKs and their families forget to notice it. Learn about the country’s history, geography, and culture. Families should pretend they’re tourists once or twice a year and plan trips just to see the sights. Courtney’s parents also helped her to explore their host country—Saudi Arabia. “My parents often took us out into the desert to look at various natural treasures such as sharks’ teeth, sand roses, and arrowheads. It was exciting to imagine this place under water millions of years ago.” These may seem like simple memories, but they’ve left Courtney with a deep sense of connection to her past.