My Year of Saying No

by Morrey, Maxine

  ‘Well, then I pity you,’ I snapped.

  ‘Lottie.’ Dad’s soft tone brought me down from where I was beginning to climb the wall.

  I let out a breath and shifted on my chair to face my sister. She was glaring at me with that haughty look she did so well.

  ‘Look, Sally. I’m sorry you’re upset and I don’t want to argue with you. But I can’t do the book club thing for you any more. I don’t enjoy it. I don’t feel comfortable with those women and I also have Humphrey now.’

  Sally let out a sigh. ‘What on earth has your dog got to do with anything?’

  ‘Because he’d have to be shut in the kitchen the entire evening and he doesn’t like it. I don’t like it.’

  She gave a small, sharp shake of her head as if me considering the emotional welfare of my pet, and apparently myself, was a ridiculous and inexplicable annoyance. ‘Well, it’s very inconvenient.’

  ‘I’m sorry for that. It wasn’t my intention, but I think it’s for the best.’

  ‘For you, obviously,’ she said, before turning back to Oliver and giving him a huge, dramatic eye roll.

  I bit my tongue and then decided that Humphrey could probably do with a trip to the garden. ‘Mum, do you mind if I just take Humph outside for a moment? I’ll come and help you make tea and coffee in a minute.’

  ‘Of course, dear.’

  I pushed my chair away from the table and headed over towards the kitchen and the large glass doors my parents had had fitted when they’d extended this room. My dog, who had been peacefully sleeping throughout the entire drama, rose, stretched and yawned and then trotted after me. He’d have been fine for a while yet, but I needed to get out and he was the perfect fuzzy excuse.

  The cool air seemed to wake Humph up and, once outside, he set off charging around for a few minutes on an impromptu, and high speed, patrol just to make sure everything was as it should be. Having assessed that it was, he then set to exploring at a slower pace, giving everything a good old sniff and watering a few plants on his exploratory rounds.

  I left him to it and wandered further down the garden to a seat my dad had built many years ago with timbers rescued from his own grandfather’s shed. Things were built to be far more substantial back then and the bench had withstood many years of sunshine and rain and been with us in every garden. I’d sat on this bench and cried when I broke up with my first boyfriend, and when I’d broken up with my last one. And now I was doing my best not to have it witness to any more tears. Unfortunately, the burning in my throat, and pounding in my head, not to mention the fact things had gone a bit blurry, meant that my body had its own ideas about that.

  I plopped down on to the bench, dislodging one of the tears. Through my watery vision, I looked up and saw my dad strolling down the garden, Humphrey trotting beside him, looking up at him as if they were deep in conversation. Dad reached the bench, and sat down, handing me my jacket.

  ‘Chilly out here, love.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I said, pushing my arms into the sleeves. When I was done, he handed me one of his neatly folded and pressed white cotton handkerchiefs. I took it and wiped haphazardly at my eyes. Humphrey sat at our feet for a moment, watching, then trotted off to investigate the rest of the garden. ‘Sorry, Dad. I didn’t mean to ruin dinner.’

  ‘Oh, Lots, you didn’t ruin anything.’

  ‘Is Sally still here?’

  ‘Yes. Old Ollie boy got a look at that cake your mum baked this morning. I’m not sure even Sally’s wiles will get him to shift until he’s had some of that with a cuppa.’

  ‘That’s saying something.’

  ‘You know your mum’s cooking.’

  ‘I do.’ I prodded my tummy for emphasis.

  ‘Ah, there’s nothing there.’

  ‘There’s plenty there.’

  ‘You’ll walk it off. You’ve only just eaten.’

  I made a noise that could have been dismissal, denial, or acceptance. Dad seemed to accept it as the last.

  ‘You all right?’

  I let out a long sigh and watched my hot breath cloud in front of me. ‘Yeah. I just… Do you think this is stupid?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘The fact that I did that saying yes thing last year and now I’m saying no.’

  ‘Nope. You needed a change. Something to shake things up a bit and take your mind off stuff. It’s good to challenge ourselves sometimes, and that’s what you’re doing. That’s never stupid. Sally’s just annoyed because she’s not used to you saying no to her.’

  ‘Sally’s not used to anyone saying no to her, apart from you and mum.’

  ‘There you go. She’s got a bit of a shock, that’s all. She’ll calm down.’

  ‘Honestly? I hate arguing with her, but I don’t really care if she calms down or not right at the moment. She called me stupid in front of a total stranger and laughed at me. Then she makes a big thing about family!’ I could feel myself getting wound up again and the tears began burning against my cold face.

  ‘If that Oliver’s as clever as he thinks he is, he’ll work it out for himself. If he gets to stick around that long. You know what Sally’s like. Besides, it doesn’t matter what he thinks. You have to do what you want to do. Did you really not enjoy doing that book thing for Sally?’

  ‘No! I hated it. The women just completely ignored me the whole time, talked about their cosmetic surgeons, luncheon appointments and then gushed about books I couldn’t see the point of! It was horrible. I know Sally’s a pain in the arse sometimes, but she’s not like that. Not really. I don’t know why she even spends time with them!’

  ‘We can’t choose other people’s friends. Why didn’t you say something before?’

  ‘Because I knew Sally would go off on one about it. Like she did today. But it’s true that now I have Humphrey I hate shutting him in the kitchen if I go there. I get that she isn’t really a dog person, and that’s fine. But he doesn’t understand and thinks he’s done something wrong. It’s not fair on him.’

  ‘And it’s not fair on you to ask you to do something you don’t want to.’

  ‘Actually asking me would have been a step up. Telling me, more like.’

  Dad conceded that with a nod of his head. ‘Either way, you have to stand up for yourself, even to Sally. You can’t do stuff to make people happy if it’s making you unhappy.’

  I leant my head on his broad shoulder. ‘Thanks, Dad.’

  He put his arm around me and gave me a squeeze, just as Humphrey appeared at our feet, now eager to get in on the action.

  ‘Come on. Let’s get back inside and warm up with a nice cuppa.’ He stood and I tucked my arm in the crook of his and we wandered back up the garden, Humphrey trotting in front of us, turning occasionally to make sure we were still there.

  As we entered the kitchen, still warm and filled with the fuggy scent of roast and baking, Mum appeared from the living room.

  ‘Just in time for tea.’

  ‘I can do that,’ I said, heading towards the kettle as I shed my coat, but Mum laid a hand on my arm.

  ‘That’s fine, love. I’ll do this. You go through and warm up by the fire.’

  My eyes darted in the direction of the room.

  ‘Sally and Oliver are in there. Go and sit down and we’ll be through in a minute.’

  The last thing I wanted to do right now was go and sit with my sister and her trophy boyfriend, but I knew a veiled instruction when I heard one.

  ‘OK.’

  Sally’s eyes flicked up when I entered before she adjusted herself on the sofa, long legs resting to the side elegantly like the Duchess of Cambridge. I plopped down on a squishy armchair and tucked my feet up so that I was a little ball. Humphrey hopped up and burrowed in beside me.

  ‘Chilly out there?’ Oliver piped up, breaking the silence.

  ‘Yes. It is a bit. Nice though,’ I replied, the words sounding banal.

  ‘Good. Good.’

  Silence fell again. I chewed the inside of m
y mouth. Oh, sod it. It wasn’t really my style to air dirty laundry in front of strangers, but bearing in mind Oliver had already been witness to the original argument, his being here while I tried to make up with my sister wasn’t exactly a huge deal.

  ‘I’m sorry you’re upset about the book club thing, Sally. I don’t want to fall out with you over it.’

  ‘It’s fine. I’ve texted Delilah. She’s going to host it when I’m not available. She’s probably dying to show off her new kitchen anyway. Not that she ever cooks, of course. But it is beautiful.’

  ‘What’s the point if she never cooks?’ I asked what I thought was a fairly reasonable question.

  Sally looked at me and I guessed she was frowning. ‘Some people just like beautiful things to look at, Lottie.’

  ‘Oh… right,’ I said, understanding and not understanding at the same time. Giving a glance towards Oliver, I couldn’t help wondering if he was one of those people and, if he was, whether my sister cared. Perhaps just revelling in being that beautiful object was enough for her.

  ‘Tea is served,’ my dad announced in a deep, sombre voice as he entered holding a large silver tray filled with tea things. He put it down on the table and then bowed. He’d been doing this butler routine for decades, but it never failed to make us giggle. Even Sally.

  ‘Tea, m’lady?’ Oliver asked my mum, picking up on the thread and taking one of the delicate cups.

  ‘That would be lovely,’ she smiled, giving Sally an interested look, but Sally herself was distracted, a soft smile unseen by Oliver on her features.

  Mum and Dad shifted their eyes to me and we all exchanged a quick look. Perhaps there was hope for this one after all.

  10

  ‘How was the roast?’ Seb asked the next day as I scanned the email he’d sent at silly o’clock this morning, detailing the tasks he wanted me to do this week.

  ‘The food was great,’ I said, making a couple of notes, ‘although dinner itself was a little tense for a while.’

  ‘Anything you want to talk about?’

  I shrugged. ‘No biggie. Just my sister not really getting the whole thing I did last year or what I’m doing this year.’

  ‘The years of yes and no, you mean?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  He frowned. ‘Why does that make for a tense situation? Surely it’s your choice, even if she doesn’t get it.’

  ‘I don’t think she really cares what I do so long as it doesn’t affect her.’

  ‘Ah. And something is now affecting her? Let me guess. You told her no.’

  I pulled a face. ‘I did.’

  ‘And it didn’t go down well.’

  ‘Let’s just say it didn’t go as well as I’d hoped it might.’

  ‘But you stuck to your guns?’

  ‘I did,’ I said, a little smile creeping on to my face that might have been pride. On the screen opposite me, Seb was wearing a bigger one.

  ‘Well done, you. I know you’ve said in the past that you’ve found it hard to stand up to her, so that’s great.’

  ‘It’s not that. Well, it is a bit. I suppose I just grew up looking up to her, and I always wanted to please her. And I guess that got into being a habit.’

  ‘Not just with her.’ It was more of a statement than a question.

  ‘Quite possibly. But I hate conflict—’

  ‘Another reason you’d have made a rubbish soldier.’

  ‘Yes. Thank you for that. Anyway. It was just as horrible as I thought it would be, saying no. But she did kind of catch me on the hop.’

  ‘But you made it through.’

  ‘I did.’

  ‘Things OK between you now?’

  ‘It was a bit icy for a while, but she thawed eventually. Helped by the new boyfriend, surprisingly.’

  Seb laughed. ‘Why surprisingly? We’re not all bad, you know.’

  ‘No, I know. But Sally has a type. And they’re not usually ones that help her see a different perspective to her own.’

  ‘Sounds like he might be good for her.’

  ‘He might well be. If he sticks around.’

  ‘Not known for the length of her relationships then?’

  ‘Not especially. I think it can be difficult with her job though. Shifts and being away and so on. Some people don’t deal with that very well.’

  ‘If it’s what she loves doing, then the right person should be supportive of it.’

  ‘Oh, stop being so bloody perfect and start going through these requests with me.’

  He grinned a slightly crooked, but utterly perfect, smile and tipped his head down to look at his own hand scribbled notes alongside his email.

  * * *

  OMG! Tonight’s the night! Major Gorgeous in the flesh!

  I shook my head at Jess’ message but couldn’t help laughing.

  As I have said a million times – it’s not a date

  He’d made that pretty clear, but then that was probably a good thing. No wires to get crossed. No raised expectations. I was pretty sure Seb didn’t have any of those, but still. Good to have all the i’s dotted and t’s crossed.

  My phone rang, signalling an incoming video call from Jess. I swiped to answer and braced myself.

  ‘That’s a very negative attitude to go in with.’ She frowned at me. ‘A girl’s got to go after what she wants these days. Don’t you ever listen to Beyoncé?‘

  ‘Every time I get in your car.’

  ‘She is a goddess. And wise.’

  ‘I’m not disagreeing but not entirely sure how all that’s related to me meeting a friend for a trip to the theatre.’

  ‘Owning it, baby!’ Jess did a move that involved her wiggling her head and doing something with her hands that seemed to work for her, but if I had even attempted would make me look like I was having some sort of medical episode.

  ‘Owning what, exactly?’

  Jess waved her hand over me, via the screen. ‘All that.’

  ‘I do own it.’

  ‘OK,’ Jess replied in a tone that suggested the exact opposite.

  ‘What?’ I said.

  ‘Maybe you need to own it a bit more.’

  ‘Jess, my lovely. I’m more than happy with my level of ownership. It suits me. I know who I am, and what I am. And, most importantly, I stopped trying to be someone else a long time ago. I spent ages growing up trying to be more like you, or Sally. Honestly, it’s bloody exhausting! I’m me. And that’s the only thing I’m going to own.’

  Jess gave me a look. ‘Well, all that’s admirable, and I can see I’m not going to be able to persuade you to pull out your sexiest dress and your sluttiest shoes for this evening.’

  ‘One, no. It’d look weird. And two, I don’t own any slutty shoes!’

  ‘Oh my god. You don’t?’

  ‘Not that I’m aware of.’

  ‘OK, I need to come round very soon and see for myself. If that’s true, we totally need to rectify that situation.’

  ‘I’m happy with my shoes.’

  ‘Lottie, every girl needs a pair of hot, totally eye distracting shoes.’

  ‘And what exactly is the definition of such footwear?’

  ‘Honey. When you see them, you’ll know. And when your man sees them, you’ll definitely know. Just don’t be surprised if he asks you to leave them on.’ She gave a wicked wiggle of her brows.

  ‘Well, while I appreciate the information, it’s definitely not relevant for tonight, which is all very platonic.’

  Jess blew a spiral of hair from her face. ‘Sounds kind of dull.’

  ‘No, not at all. Quite the opposite actually. I’m far more relaxed knowing there’s no pressure attached to anything. It’s just two mates meeting up for a pleasant evening.’

  ‘With at least one of those mates fancying the arse off the other one.’

  ‘Which is not of any relevance whatsoever.’

  ‘No. Of course not.’

  ‘It isn’t.’

  ‘I know. I just agreed with you.’<
br />
  ‘Then why didn’t it sound like that?’ I raised a brow at her.

  She gave a shrug. ‘Perhaps your unconscious mind is resisting the truth.’

  I shook my head. ‘Whatever. What I do know, though, is that my conscious bladder is in need of a wee, so I need to hang up.’

  ‘Fair enough. Have a good time tonight. Let me know how it goes.’

  ‘You’re heading off on your retreat. And supposed to be switching your phones off. I heard Harry specifically tell you that. That you’d made each other a deal.’

  ‘Well… yes. But what if something happens tonight? I’d have to wait until Monday to find out?’ Jess sounded appalled at this possible turn of events.

  ‘OK, first off, nothing is going to happen tonight and, secondly, if, in an alternate universe, something did happen, I’m pretty sure I’d have far more pressing demands on my time than messaging you. No offence.’

  ‘None taken whatsoever. I only wish that would happen.’

  ‘Well, it’s not going to. The only thing that is going to happen is me making a puddle right here if I don’t shoot off now. Talk to you later.’

  Jess was making a ‘shoo’ movement with her hand as I quickly ended the call and scooted through to the bathroom.

  * * *

  Like I’d said to Jess, I was looking forward to it but I was still really, really nervous. Silly really as I had now known Seb for three years and spoken to him almost every day for a good proportion of that. The same Seb who had seen me on video call in the throes of flu, when I’d forgotten to brush my hair and when I had tomato soup smiles. The latter he’d pointed out, which had led to a moment of mortification, knowing I had been up to the supermarket between eating lunch and speaking to Seb and realising that I’d had a tomato soup version of The Joker’s smile on my face the entire time. Seb had thought it hilarious. I’d been less amused, but he’d soon got me to relax and realise that there were far worse things in life than forgetting to wipe the soup smiles off your face before you went out.

  Glancing at the satnav, I took the next turn and followed the little arrow on the screen. Noticing my fingers were gripping the wheel a little too tightly, I took a deep breath and loosened them.