My Year of Saying No

by Morrey, Maxine

  ‘Oh… you went with your parents?’ He pushed himself up a little straighter on the sofa as he spoke.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘They OK?’

  I gave a sigh. ‘Apart from my mum despairing of me ever finding a man, yeah, they’re fine.’

  ‘I’m sure she’s just worried that you might be lonely, or something.’

  ‘That’s exactly it, actually.’

  Seb gave a sympathetic smile. ‘Are you?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Lonely.’

  I rolled my bottom lip out and back. Probably not the most attractive trait I had but one I sometimes forgot to curtail when I was pondering over things. Seb didn’t seem to notice.

  ‘No.’

  ‘That’s good then.’

  ‘That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be happy to meet Mr Right, if such a mythical creature even exists, but, like I told my mum, I’m OK as I am.’

  Seb nodded and smiled.

  ‘Are you?’ I asked.

  ‘Lonely?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Sometimes.’

  Somewhere deep in my heart, I felt something shift and crack.

  ‘Oh,’ I said, which wasn’t exactly the eloquent and meaningful reply I’d liked to have responded with.

  Seb shook his head, smiling. ‘Hey. Don’t look at me like that.’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘All sad and big-eyed and compassionate.’

  ‘I’m not!’

  ‘You are.’

  ‘Well, it’s not intentional. That’s just my face. But I do hate to think of you lonely.’

  ‘Everyone gets like it sometimes. It’s no big deal for me. There are just moments. You asked and I answered, but I’m sort of wishing I’d fibbed now because I’m not sure I can take that pitying look from you much longer.’ He laughed.

  ‘I am not pitying!’ I said, waving my free hand.

  ‘You don’t even know you’re doing it!’

  ‘Oh well, excuse me for having a compassionate soul.’

  He rolled his eyes at me. ‘Tell me properly about your dance class.’

  I stuck my tongue out at him and rearranged Humphrey on my lap so that his paw was no longer pressing into my stomach.

  ‘It was OK. Kind of awkward to start with, like I said.’

  ‘But I gather it improved?’

  ‘It did.’

  ‘Thanks to the men you were out at the bar with?’ He wiggled his eyebrows and I gave him a look.

  ‘Just one of them. Mario.’

  He nodded. ‘Fair enough.’

  ‘I just felt funny as everyone was already paired up, and I was sort of wondering if I’d done the right thing, but then Mario arrived.

  ‘And saved the day.’

  ‘Well, that might be overcooking it a little, but it was nice not to have to sit out and wait to be swapped in with someone.’

  ‘He any good?’

  ‘He’s done a bit before, so it was nice to have a bit of guidance, but basically we just had a really good laugh.’

  ‘That’s good. I’m glad you enjoyed yourself in the end. So, where does the other guy come into it?’

  ‘Andy? We met up with him after and went for a drink with Jess and Harry too.’

  ‘Oh right. Didn’t you tell your mum all this?’

  ‘Yes, why?’

  ‘I just thought it might have taken the heat off a bit.’

  ‘Ohhhhh, I see. Yes, well, initially she was terribly excited about Mario, you’re right.’

  ‘Initially?’

  ‘Yes. But when I explained that Andy was Mario’s boyfriend, her mind was immediately filled with images of me on a dusty shelf again.’

  Seb let out a laugh. ‘You will never be left on a shelf, dusty or otherwise.’

  ‘Thank you for your vote of confidence.’

  ‘Just saying it like it is.’

  I smiled and tilted my head down, ostensibly to check on Humphrey but also to try and hide the blush that I felt creeping up my face.

  ‘It’s ever so cute when you blush.’

  I looked back up. ‘Oh, be quiet,’ I said, laughing.

  He gave me that slightly crooked grin again as he moved and adjusted his leg on the sofa, out of my sight. As he did so, I caught a flash of pain dart across his features.

  ‘Is it bad today?’ I asked.

  He shook his head.

  ‘You’re a terrible liar.’

  ‘I don’t think you’d make a great one either, Ms Blushy Face, so we’re a good pair.’

  ‘True. Was it bad before you went on your marathon hike?’ I pressed.

  ‘Average.’

  ‘Should you not have rested then instead of doubling down?’

  Seb frowned at the phone screen. ‘You’ve met me, right?’

  ‘Technically, no. I haven’t. But I know what you mean. You’re stubborn. Sometimes too much so.’

  ‘I prefer the word driven.’

  ‘You would. But just changing the word doesn’t change the fact you don’t look after yourself as well as you should do sometimes.’

  ‘Sorry, Mum.’

  ‘Ughhh. Why do I bother?’ I said, letting my head loll back on the sofa.

  ‘I do appreciate it.’ His voice was softer now and I pulled my head back up to look at the screen. ‘Honestly. I really do.’

  I pulled a face and nodded.

  ‘So, I’ve been thinking,’ Seb started.

  ‘Oh dear. Is that wise?’

  ‘Smartarse. Shoosh.’

  ‘I beg your pardon?’

  ‘Please,’ he asked, breaking out a smile that would probably get a lot of women to do a lot of things.

  ‘Hmm.’ I said, non-commitally, pretending it had had no effect on me whatsoever. Even though it really, really did.

  ‘What you said a moment ago. About technically not having met?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘How would you feel about changing that?’

  How did I feel about that?

  ‘OK…’

  ‘We’ve been friends for ages, we speak most days and… I just think it’d be really nice to meet up and spend some time together in person. But I don’t know how you feel about it. Whether you’d prefer to just—’

  ‘I’d love to,’ I blurted. OK, so I guess that’s how I felt about it. Good to know.

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes. Definitely.’

  ‘I mean, it’s not like a date or anything. I don’t want you thinking I’m trying to—’

  ‘No, I know,’ I replied, trying not to feel too disappointed that he’d been in such a hurry to point that out. The rational part of me knew that was just how Seb was. Upfront, honest. But the non-rational part of me, the part that had the crush on him, was now doing her best not to hurl herself into a corner and wail.

  ‘Oh Good. Right. I just… I didn’t want to scare you off before I’d even finished telling you the idea.’

  Scare me off? You’ve seen yourself, right?

  ‘Ha! No. Nope. Not at all,’ I said, trying not to sound weird and, even to my own ears, failing miserably. ‘So, what is the idea?’

  ‘I remember you said ages ago that you loved Agatha Christie, right?’

  ‘Oh crikey. That really was ages ago. I’m surprised you remembered.’

  ‘You still do though?’

  ‘Yes! Of course. Love her!’

  ‘OK. So, there’s a play of hers on at a theatre that’s about an hour’s drive from both of us and I just wondered if you might want to go?’

  My smile answered for me. ‘I’d love to.’

  Seb relaxed and smiled back and it was only then that I realised he’d tensed up. Which wasn’t like Seb at all.

  ‘Did you honestly think I’d say no?’

  He shrugged. ‘Honestly, I wasn’t sure. Your whole plan this year is to say no to stuff and I was just concerned about asking because I didn’t want to ruin what we have and make things weird.’

  ‘Fair enough. But it�
��s not like I’m saying no to everything. Only the boring stuff. And why would it be weird?’

  ‘Why is anything?’

  ‘I’m not sure I understand the question!’ I laughed.

  He shook his head. ‘Never mind. The important thing is you said yes. So, I took the liberty of looking up some times already and there’s a showing next Friday evening that has some seats left, if you fancy that one? Depending on what time you can get away, we could always grab a bite to eat first maybe.’

  ‘That sounds great.’

  ‘OK. I’ll send you through all the details and directions and I can order the tickets now while you’re on. Where do you like to sit?’

  ‘What have they got?’

  ‘Let’s see.’ I heard him tap some keys and waited as he brought up the theatre’s seating plan. ‘Looks like there’s some in the stalls. Fourth row back?’

  ‘Sounds perfect. I’ll be able to see what’s going on without having to use those ridiculous little opera glasses things.’

  ‘Do they still have those?’

  ‘I’ve literally no idea. It’s ages since I’ve been to the theatre.’

  ‘I don’t think I’ve been since I was a kid.’

  ‘No! Really?’

  ‘Yeah. Bad eh?’

  ‘No, not bad. People have different interests.’

  ‘That’s the thing. I love the theatre. But I guess I just never get around to it.’

  ‘Well, now you are.’

  ‘I am indeed. There, done,’ he said, picking the phone back up from where he’d balanced it while he booked the tickets on his laptop. ‘We can pick them up at the box office on the night.’

  ‘Ooh! I’m really excited now. Thanks, Seb. Can I give you the money when I see you?’

  ‘Nope. My treat.’

  ‘Oh no, you can’t do that. I wouldn’t have let you book them if I knew you’d do that.’

  ‘You wouldn’t have let me?’ He raised a curious, dark brow.

  ‘No. And don’t look at me like that either. You might be bigger than me, but I have skills.’

  ‘I don’t doubt it for a moment. But the tickets are on me. As a thanks for everything you do.’ I opened my mouth to protest. ‘On top of what I pay you for.’

  ‘Then thank you. And I look forward to it.’

  ‘Me too.’

  ‘Well, I’d better get off to bed. I need to clean my flat tomorrow and then make myself look presentable enough for seeing my sister.’

  ‘You always look presentable.’

  ‘She doesn’t have the same relaxed attitude to my fondness for loungewear as you do.’

  ‘She’s not wearing it. You are.’

  ‘Still. I have to make a bit of an effort. Apparently, she’s bringing a bloke too, so we’re all going to be on our best behaviour.’

  ‘That sounds exhausting. Why don’t you just say no? I mean, if not this year, then when can you?’

  ‘I don’t want to. Obviously, I understand the confusion as you’ve never had one of my mum’s roasts, but, seriously, they’re worth anything! And I’m probably making it sound worse than it is. Sally’s just… particular. But she’s harmless. She’s just quite used to getting her own way. She doesn’t really stand for much less, especially when it comes to men, so I think sometimes she forgets we’re family and know her of old.’

  ‘But you still try to please her.’

  ‘She’s my sister. I want her to be happy.’

  Seb nodded but said no more. ‘Well, I’d better let you go. Enjoy your roast tomorrow!’

  ‘I shall. I hope you’re going to rest a bit.’

  ‘I am. Mostly. I’m going over to my brother’s for the day, so apart from being a human climbing frame for my niece and nephew, it should be nice.’ The joy that his family brought him was reflected in his features, his eyes smiling as much as that generous mouth.

  ‘That sounds lovely, Seb. Family days all round!’

  9

  It turned out Sally’s new chap, Oliver, was something in the City, but exactly what that something was remained a mystery to us all despite the fact he’d explained it more than once. I’d have had more luck trying to understand Klingon.

  ‘That sounds very interesting,’ my dad said diplomatically as he passed me the roast potatoes, the waft of them making my mouth water as I dished several onto my plate before passing them on to Sally, who took one. I looked at her, looked back at the dish full of golden deliciousness and then back at Sally. She caught my eye and gave the most delicate of shrugs.

  ‘I shouldn’t even be having one really, but you know I can’t resist Mum’s cooking,’ she cooed, tilting her head at Mum, who reached over and patted her hand.

  I looked at my sister’s plate, one potato, a pile of French beans, two slices of lean roast chicken and some spinach. My eyes then drifted to my own, piled high with roast and mash potato, several pieces of chicken, plus some gorgeous, crispy skin, piles of veggies, all drowned in thick gravy. Apparently, her idea of not resisting and mine were two very different things.

  * * *

  I smothered the home made rhubarb crumble in thick, velvety custard the colour of sunshine and took a spoonful, feeling the wonderful textures meld in my mouth – crunchy topping, soft fruit and tangy custard.

  ‘Don’t forget, it’s my book club this Thursday evening, Lottie.’

  I shifted my eyes to my sister, the place setting in front of her entirely devoid of pudding bowl. She took a sip of tonic water as I swallowed my mouthful.

  ‘Umm… OK,’ I said, not sure what I was supposed to make of this announcement.

  Sally turned a little and fixed her gaze on me. ‘Have you forgotten?’

  Apparently so.

  She let out a sigh. ‘I’m going to be in Kuala Lumpur so I won’t be able to make it, so I need you to sit in for me.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Good. Thanks.’ And she turned away, giving a small, elegant hair flick to catch the attention of Oliver, who raised his eyes briefly from his bowl to acknowledge her, smile and then return his concentration to the food. Mum’s puddings could do that to you. Sally accepted this and turned back.

  ‘I can’t do that, I’m afraid, Sally.’

  Sally sat up a little straighter. ‘Sorry?’

  ‘Thursday. The book club thing. I can’t do it.’

  She frowned at me. Well, I assume that was what she was doing. Sally had been getting Botox for so long, figuring out some of her expressions now was guesswork on our part.

  ‘You have to!’ she said.

  I gave a full-on frown that no one could mistake and loaded up my spoon. ‘No, I don’t,’ I said, taking another mouthful.

  ‘Yes! You do! I’ve arranged it all now. You can’t cancel on me! How would that make me look?’

  I did my best to keep my emotions low-key and stick to my guns. ‘I’m sorry if you’ve made arrangements, but you didn’t ask me if I could do it, or even if I wanted to, so you can’t be cross now when I can’t make it.’

  ‘You know I rely on you to take over when I can’t be here.’

  ‘I know that you have done for the last three years, but things have changed and I don’t enjoy doing it. I’m sorry if you feel I’m letting you down, but it’s not up to you to host every time anyway. The others can take turns to work around your shifts. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind!’

  ‘It’s my book club! I can hardly ask someone else to host it, can I?’

  ‘You seem OK with asking me.’

  ‘You’re my sister. You don’t count.’

  ‘Wow. Thanks,’ I said, shovelling in another spoonful, partly as a diversionary tactic for my mouth.

  Sally gave an airy flap of her hand. ‘You know what I mean.’

  I gave a quick brow raise without looking up.

  ‘Lots, please?’ Sally moved from expectant to pleading.

  My mind cast back over the past three years when I’d had to host her bloody book club. They always picked high-brow books
that I didn’t enjoy reading but Sally insisted I slog through so that I could take part in the discussion. Except I never did take part in the discussion. The five women who came to Sally’s book club never made an effort to include me and pretty much only ever spoke to me to request more tea. I wasn’t entirely unconvinced that they thought I was staff. Either way, the thought of getting back into that loop gave me stomach ache. And now was the perfect time to put a stop to it.

  ‘I can’t, Sally. I’m sorry. They’re not really… my kind of people.’ In for a penny, in for a pound.

  ‘They’re not your… What does that even matter? They’re my kind of people! And you’re making me let them down.’

  ‘I’m sure they’ll get over it,’ I said, running out of patience.

  Mum gave me a look, but I dropped my eyes to the bowl and concentrated on getting the last few bits of comforting deliciousness out of it.

  ‘I see!’ Sally said. It was just two little words, but they were absolutely loaded.

  ‘I’m guessing by the tone of your voice, you don’t. Not really.’

  ‘I do. Entirely,’ she said, her blue eyes flashing at me before turning to Oliver, who was now watching the interaction with a mixture of interest and wariness. ‘Last year, my sister did this stupid year of saying yes, and now this year it’s all about saying no. And apparently that applies to family too. Honestly, Lottie. Whatever will it be next?’

  My face was burning with embarrassment and indignation. ‘It wasn’t stupid, Sally. It was to support Jess and to cheer myself up after my relationship ended. I don’t think it was stupid at all.’

  ‘You hated half of the things!’

  ‘So? At least I tried them!’

  ‘Oh, for goodness’ sake, you hated it so much you’ve dedicated this year to saying no so you can sit indoors in your bloody pyjamas!’

  ‘It’s not about that at all! It’s about saying no to things I don’t want to do. And your book club happens to be one of the things I definitely don’t want to do.’

  She gave a dramatic roll of her perfectly mascaraed, aesthetician enhanced lashes. ‘All you’ve got to do is sit there and serve tea!’

  ‘I’m not a maid, Sally! And I have no interest in being one for you and your so-called friends.’

  ‘They are my friends.’