My Year of Saying No

by Morrey, Maxine

  Seb slowed as the traffic lights turned red and came to a gentle halt.

  ‘Hey,’ the word was soft and enquiring.

  I looked across and gave a smile that felt a little awkward on my face, like it wasn’t quite in the right position.

  Seb studied me for a moment, reached out and laid one large hand over the little knot I’d made of my own. ‘Relax.’

  ‘I’m relaxed!’ I replied, sounding about as relaxed as a turkey upon hearing a Christmas carol.

  His laugh swirled around me and the sound of it helped release some of the tension that had built between us.

  ‘OK,’ he said again, but with none of the disbelief his previous reply had been laced with. His gaze flicked to the lights before resting back on me. ‘You know you can tell me anything, right?’

  My heart gave an unhelpful squeeze. ‘I do.’

  ‘Good.’ He gave my hands a quick press before returning both his own to the wheel and pulling away.

  Anything that is except this.

  17

  ‘I can’t say I’m looking forward to Alice’s baby shower on Saturday. Does that sound mean?’

  ‘Nope,’ I said, hooking my legs over the arm of the squashy chair I was sitting in, as Jess stretched her legs out along the length of my sofa and leant against Harry, who was tuned out to us and watching a sports channel. ‘They’re not my thing either. I don’t really have any desire to play games called “Who’s got the dirty nappy?”’

  ‘Do you want me to pick you up on the way so we can go together? Strength in numbers?’

  ‘Thanks, but I’m not going.’

  Jess sat up. ‘What?’

  I shrugged, stroking Humphrey, marvelling at how quickly he had become an indispensable part of my life and how much I loved this little fuzzy ball of fur. ‘I’m not going.’

  ‘What… how…?’

  ‘I said no.’

  ‘You said no?’ Jess screwed up her face at this apparently impossible concept.

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘And she just… accepted that?’

  ‘I guess so. I was polite about it. I told her I’d see them all once she’s had the baby, which is what I’d planned to do anyway.’

  ‘Wow.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You’re really doing it.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘This year of saying no.’

  I frowned. ‘I am. Most definitely. Why? Did you think I wouldn’t?’

  Jess gave a little shrug. ‘I just know how much you hate upsetting anyone. You’re a people-pleaser.’

  ‘Which is probably how I got roped into that bloody year of saying yes last year.’

  ‘I think the bottles of wine we got through probably helped.’

  ‘True.’

  ‘But look what came out of it!’ Jess grinned, flashing the huge diamond on her left hand.

  ‘Yes. I think we’ve already established it was good for you.’

  ‘Wasn’t it for you? I thought you were mucking about when you moaned all the time.’

  ‘I didn’t moan all the time!’ I said, offended. ‘But it was way out of my comfort zone and I can’t say I was sorry when it was finally over.’

  ‘But didn’t you get anything out of it?’

  ‘I got to spend some fun times with you. I got to see you made incredibly happy and I also got the inspiration to stop all that people-pleasing and say no sometimes. We spend all this time rushing around, saying yes to things we don’t really want to, then feeling upset and annoyed that there’s no time left for us to do the things we actually want to.’

  ‘Very true,’ Harry added.

  ‘I thought you were watching telly.’ Jess lolled her head back to look at her fiancé.

  ‘I am. But, contrary to popular opinion, I am capable of doing two things at once.’

  Jess gave me a look that suggested she disagreed.

  ‘And I saw that too.’

  I gave Harry a smirk, and he caught my eye, giving me a wink in return.

  ‘Anyway. The upshot of all this is that now I don’t even have you there to keep me company on Saturday,’ Jess stated, a little sulkily.

  I gave her a what-can-you-do look and she let out a dramatic sigh and flung herself back against Harry, who rubbed her arm soothingly, his eyes back on the screen. He was a quick learner.

  ‘Can’t you say you’ve changed your mind?’ Jess whined.

  ‘Nope. Because I haven’t.’

  She let out a huff. ‘I’m not sure I’m such a fan of this saying no thing.’

  ‘You were when you didn’t realise it was going to apply to you too,’ Harry said quietly.

  ‘I’m leaving you at home next time,’ Jess pouted at him.

  ‘Lottie invited us both.’

  ‘Yes, but I have final say.’

  ‘Actually, it’s my flat and my food, so I do. And Harry’s agreeing with me, so he’s definitely invited again.’

  ‘Ugh! I know I said I wanted you two to be friends, but this is ridiculous!’

  I swung my legs to the front, reluctantly dislodging Humphrey, who made a small leap to the floor and then began stretching elaborately as if to point out to me how comfy he’d been, having apparently picked up some drama cues from my best friend. Getting up, I took Jess’ wine glass from her and gave her a hug.

  ‘So, what are you doing instead?’ she asked, padding after me into the kitchen, where I refilled her glass and flicked the kettle on to make Harry another tea.

  ‘I’m going to pick up my new car.’

  Jess straightened, her attention focused like a dog that’s just spotted the possibility of a cheese snack. ‘With Seb?’

  ‘No, I’m going to the garage on my own.’

  The proverbial cheese was back in the fridge.

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘But I’m supposed to be seeing him after.’

  Cheese!

  ‘Supposed to be?’ Jess raised a perfect brow.

  ‘Well. Yes. I am. I think. He’s suggested I bring Humphrey so we can take the dogs on a ramble together. It’s obviously quite a distance, so he’s invited us to stay over.’

  She tilted her head. ‘What’s going on?’ her voice was softer now, the drama gone, replaced by concern.

  I flicked off the kettle and poured water over a teabag, prodding it occasionally with a spoon as thoughts tumbled in my brain. ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘I think I might.’

  I gave Jess a sideways glance.

  ‘Seb Marshall.’

  Flicking the teabag out, I leant back against the fridge. ‘It’s stupid, I know. I just…’

  ‘Hoped he wouldn’t be as great in the flesh as he was.’

  ‘Pretty much,’ I sighed, yanking the fridge door open and grabbing the milk before sploshing some into Harry’s cup. ‘And then he was all tall and dark and gorgeous. And funny. And caring. And—’

  ‘Perfect?’

  ‘Nobody’s perfect.’

  ‘Present company excepted, obviously.’ This was followed by a loud cough from the other room. ‘I don’t have to marry you, you know!’ Jess tossed back, receiving a laugh in reply.

  I couldn’t help smiling. I loved this new side of Jess. She was tall, bright and beautiful. When she walked into a room, it really did light up and men were drawn to her, laughing at her jokes, flattering her, and all hoping to be the one she might choose to go home with. When she’d met Harry, he’d been like this too for the first few moments. Jess had the kind of presence that could temporarily make you lose your train of thought. But then, unexpectedly, he’d teased her. Like I would tease her. But the difference was, we’d known each other since we were four years old. I’d held my breath, waiting for Jess’ reaction. Knowing how prone she was to a bit of drama, I was weighing up whether it would be a total blanking or a turn on her five inch spiked heel followed by a dramatic strut. Instead, she’d laughed. Really laughed. And in that moment, I knew. And I think Jess did too. Harry was different. Harry was the
one.

  ‘Anyway,’ I waved the thoughts away. ‘It doesn’t matter. I’m just being daft. I guess he’s just the first guy I’ve liked since I broke up with Tom and I got a bit carried away.’

  ‘You never get carried away, Lottie. Which must mean you really like him.’

  ‘I do.’

  ‘Why don’t you just ask him out?’

  ‘Because I don’t want to.’

  Jess rolled her eyes. ‘Harry darling? Could you call the fire brigade? Lottie’s pants are on fire. Get them to send several engines. It’s a full-blown inferno.’

  * * *

  ‘You look happy!’ Seb smiled, as he set me back after one of his way too good hugs.

  ‘I am. I have a new car!’

  And a new, far more sensible attitude about you. I can do this.

  ‘Also, right now, if I hadn’t had my yearly plan in place, I’d be sat at a baby shower I didn’t want to attend, pretending I was enjoying myself while everyone talked about things that currently have absolutely no relevance to my life.’

  ‘Instead you’re here.’

  ‘Exactly!’

  Seb grinned. ‘Then, I for one am very glad of your plan for the moment. And I’m pretty sure Scooby and Humphrey are too,’ he added as the two dogs had now said hello and started charging round the house playing.

  ‘For the moment?’

  He smiled again, taking my coat. ‘Yes. Because it works in my favour.’

  ‘You sound like Jess.’

  ‘Your best friend?’

  ‘Yes. She was saying the same thing in a roundabout way just the other day.’

  ‘Wise woman.’

  ‘Sometimes,’ I said, pushing her advice to just ‘bloody well ask him out’ as she’d left my flat the other night to the back of my mind. ‘Sometimes not so much.’

  ‘Because of last year?’

  Yep. Let’s go with that.

  ‘The perfect example. But, like I said to her, I’m taking the positives from that. I learned stuff about myself and if I hadn’t done that, I might not be saying no more now.’

  Seb nodded. ‘Want a drink before we head out?’

  * * *

  After a long walk with the dogs, Seb and I had gone back to his house, to be greeted by the delicious aroma of a hearty and warming stew he’d put in the oven to slow cook before we left. Over this, accompanied by fresh, crusty bread and good wine, we’d talked and laughed and completely relaxed. The slight awkwardness that had arisen the weekend before was washed away, replaced by comfort and ease. I’d come to my senses at last. There was no denying I thought Seb was gorgeous and all the things I’d told Jess. But I’d also confirmed to myself he was totally off the menu, accepting instead that we had a fabulous friendship and that was better than anything that might be risked by letting my crush continue. So I’d had a long talk with myself and I was done with it. Totally. Absolutely done.

  ‘Night, Lottie,’ Seb said, hugging me as we finally said goodnight, having sat up talking into the early hours once again.

  God, he smelled good… I stomped on the thought. It’s the year of saying no, remember? I reminded myself. And getting high on Seb Marshall’s aftershave was a definite no.

  ‘Night, Seb. Thanks for today.’

  ‘You’re welcome,’ he said, leaning on the door jamb, watching as I tucked Humphrey into his bed beside me. ‘You know you’re both welcome any time. It’s nice having company.’

  I plonked down onto my bum and looked up at him, the outlines just slightly fuzzy from a combination of wine and tiredness. ‘You know you could get company really easily, don’t you?’

  He frowned.

  ‘You’re kind of hot,’ I blabbed.

  Seb smiled. ‘Kind of.’

  ‘Quite.’

  ‘Oh. I’m not really sure what to say to that.’

  I shrugged. ‘Just saying.’

  ‘Thanks,’ he said, focusing on the little dog beside me. ‘It’s not that easy to meet people sometimes though, is it?’

  ‘No. That’s true. But you could try online dating.’

  Seb slid his eyes to me. ‘No thanks.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because I’ve been there, done that, and it was awful.’

  ‘You have? I didn’t know that.’

  ‘It was before I met you. But, pretty much, I had the same experience as you did when you did it last year. Not something I’d be in a hurry to repeat.’

  I pulled a face. ‘I know there are plenty of people who do find someone special, but, for the most part, everything I hear tends to veer to our end of the experience scale.’ I shifted positions. ‘Something I read recently said that over eighty per cent of people on dating websites don’t have representative profile pictures! Over eighty per cent!’ I threw my arms up.

  ‘Yep. I definitely had a few of those too. But it was just a weird experience for me. People, in general, don’t seem to be satisfied. They might like you, but there’s this hang-up. It’s like they feel that if they keep seeing you, they could be missing out. They might think you’re great and tick all the boxes, but there’s this niggling doubt that maybe, just maybe, there’s something around the corner even better.’

  I flopped back, slouched against the side of the bed, still looking up at him. ‘They’re likely in for a big disappointment. Especially if they passed you up for that slight chance.’

  ‘Sometimes they were keeping all their options open. But I’m not really into sharing.’

  ‘Really?’ I asked, trying not to be intrigued. And, judging by the smirk on Seb’s face, failing.

  ‘No. Probably not a very modern outlook, but if I’m with someone, I’m with someone. Heart and soul.’

  Oh bloody hell, Seb. I’m really trying here and you’re so not helping the situation.

  ‘No, I’d agree with that,’ I said, trying to ensure it sounded casual. ‘I don’t get that whole “we’re not exclusive” thing. That doesn’t really work for me either.’ I smothered a yawn and Seb smiled.

  ‘Get some rest. Thanks for today.’

  ‘I didn’t do anything! You cooked and hosted and everything else.’

  ‘You came. That’s enough.’

  OK, he needed to go now. I knew I could do this, but it was a lot harder with him standing there looking drop-dead gorgeous and ticking all my boxes.

  ‘You should get some rest too. Night, Seb.’

  I was still sat on the floor next to Humphrey who had long since passed into the land of nod. Seb took the few short steps from the door, bent, placed the lightest of kisses on the top of my head and turned back to the door.

  ‘Sleep well.’

  With that, he headed out, Scooby sleepily padding just in front of him, and pulled the door to behind him.

  18

  ‘Got everything?’ Seb asked late the next morning as I finished securing Humphrey into his doggy harness.

  ‘I think so. Thanks again for helping me with the car shopping. I really appreciate it.’

  Seb shook his head. ‘My pleasure. I’m glad you found something you liked.’ He bent to look in at the dog who was already curled up and looking sleepy. ‘Someone seems comfy enough.’

  I smiled at Humphrey. ‘He’s had a great time with Scooby. I think we’ve worn him out.’

  Seb straightened back up and shifted his weight. ‘I hope you had a good time too.’

  ‘I really did,’ I said, looking up at him. He was close now and I could smell the citrus tang of the shower gel I’d borrowed this morning. ‘Thanks for having us.’

  ‘Do you think we could do this again?’

  ‘Of course. If you don’t mind, that is. You could come down to me, although I don’t have a spare room so it’d be—’

  ‘Lottie.’

  ‘Hmm?’

  He rubbed a hand across his jaw, shadowed from a day’s growth. ‘I’m normally much better at this.’

  ‘At what?’

  ‘Asking a woman out.’

  ‘A
sking… I...’ I felt my eyes widen as I lifted my gaze to his. ‘Is that… umm… what you’re doing now?’

  ‘Very badly, apparently. But… yes. I’d really like to take you out and maybe have that romantic table for two used for its intended purpose.’ He shrugged a little self-consciously, his face half smile, half uncertainty.

  A chill breeze had been blowing all day and, having thrown my hat in the car already, my hair was now at the mercy of the wind. I lifted a hand to push it back from my face, but Seb’s was already there, gently, tenderly moving it and tucking it behind my ear. The word ‘thanks’ was in my head, but I couldn’t get it to make to the journey to my mouth as my brain was too busy processing his words.

  ‘I…’ I began, suddenly realising that I had no idea where I was going with that sentence.

  Seb straightened away from me, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed.

  Come on, Lottie. This is a simple question! Seb Marshall, the man of some very X-rated dreams, has just asked you out. He does like you after all. This is what you wanted! It’s a simple answer. All you have to do is say yes! Yes, Seb, I’d absolutely love to!

  ‘No.’

  Huh?

  ‘I’m really sorry, Seb. I can’t.’

  He shook his head, a smile on his face as he briefly raised his palms. ‘No, not a problem. I… just thought…’ The words tailed off as he looked off into the distance, one hand running briefly back over the short dark hair.

  Shit. What was I thinking? This was Seb. The man I’d had a crush on for ages. The man I most felt myself around. The man whose smile made my stomach flutter like no one else ever had – and I’d just turned him down.

  ‘It’s just that you’re a client and I don’t want to mess that up.’ I sighed. ‘I can’t afford to mess that up.’

  He waved it away, the smile still there, but we both knew it wasn’t his usual, easy-going expression, however much he tried to cover it.

  ‘And now I’m worried it’s messed up anyway.’

  ‘Of course not,’ he said, airily. ‘You’re absolutely right. I just…’ he blew out a breath. ‘I’ve just had a really great time these last couple of weekends and I guess I got a bit carried away. I’m sorry. I should never have said anything.’ He lifted his hands and scrubbed them across his cropped hair, his eyes on the distance again momentarily before focusing back on me. ‘Are we still good or have I blown it?’