My Year of Saying No

by Morrey, Maxine

  ‘Until I got injured. Things changed after that.’ He let out a sigh and his gaze drifted across the fields to our left as we headed back to the house.

  ‘I can’t begin to imagine how difficult it was for you all.’

  ‘Mum was pretty great. Once she got over the initial shock. Dad didn’t say much, but he was there. Until Mum died.’

  ‘Seb, I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through so much.’

  He shook his head, the shutters still closed. ‘Other people go through much worse.’

  ‘Yes,’ I said quietly, ‘but we’re not talking about other people. We’re talking about you.’

  He turned, dark eyes looking down at me. ‘Yes. We are. Now how did that happen?’ The hint of smile on a mouth way too attractive right now gave me hope.

  ‘I have magic powers.’

  ‘Of that, I have no doubt.’

  ‘Will you tell me more?’ All or nothing now.

  25

  Seb bent and gave Scooby a head rub. Humph scooted around my legs to get in on the action and Seb’s soft chuckle made me smile as he fussed my own dog too before straightening and beginning to walk on.

  I hesitated for a moment and he reached back with his free hand and took mine.

  ‘Keep up,’ he teased, as I caught him up and he dropped my hand.

  A tractor came chugging up the lane, shattering the bucolic peace. We stood to the side, keeping the dogs behind us, and the driver waved in thanks. Once it had passed, we stepped back out into the lane and continued our walk.

  ‘I told you about Mum. Her heart attack, I mean.’

  ‘You did.’

  ‘I always blamed myself for that. She’d been fine before she got that call to say I’d been injured on deployment.’

  ‘Seb…’ I tucked my arm around his. ‘It’s not your fault. You can’t blame yourself for it. She wouldn’t want you to, and nobody else does.’

  ‘My dad does.’

  I felt the air freeze in my lungs for a moment. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘My dad. He feels the same way I do. About the stress affecting Mum. Having a… detrimental effect.’

  My mind fizzed with confusion. ‘Are you sure?’ I started. ‘I mean… he hasn’t actually said that.’

  ‘Not in so many words. But I don’t…’ He stretched his neck from side to side and looked down at me. ‘You don’t need to hear all this, Lots.’

  I squeezed his arm a little. ‘I want to. Please tell me.’

  His eyes remained on me for a moment, his mind apparently trying to decide which way to step. ‘Don’t get me wrong. I love my dad. I just wish I could relax with him. I don’t blame him for thinking I’m the cause of his wife’s death. I already feel that, so it’s nothing new.’

  ‘But you don’t know that’s the case,’ I said, softly. I didn’t want to contradict him, but that was a heavy burden to carry around, let alone feeling that it was reinforced by your own father.

  ‘When I see my dad, which is usually only when I’m at my brother’s, I just feel…’ he dipped his head and scratched his stubble, keeping my arm tucked around his as he did so. ‘My dad was in the services. And when I see him, I feel like I still am too. I feel like I’m a soldier in his company and that soldier is a disappointment to him.’

  ‘Oh, Seb,’ I said, squeezing his arm but not looking up, my heart contracting at his words and the pain he’d done his best to hide. To a lot of people, it probably was hidden. But I’d known Seb a while now, talking to him every day. I knew his normal voice, I knew his voice when he’d discussed difficult situations at work, frustration at not being able to do everything he wanted to for people, and his voice when he spoke about cases, as much as he was able to anyway, that clearly really got to him. The ones that caused him pain. Just as this did. ‘I’m sure that’s not the case.’

  He said nothing but briefly laid his other hand over mine as it curled around his forearm, Scooby’s lead loosely sliding up his wrist.

  ‘What does your brother think?’

  ‘Well, he’s kind of stuck in the middle, so I try not to bring him into it. We have dinners together and both just try and be civil for the sake of my brother and his family but tend to stay out of each other’s way as much as possible. Kids, thankfully, are quite a good distraction.’ As soon as he’d started to talk about his brother’s family, the tension slid away and the light came back into his eyes as the shutters opened once more.

  ‘You obviously love spending time with them.’

  ‘I really do. I wish I was closer.’

  ‘So, why aren’t you? You never really answered me. I mean, I would have thought that you’d want to be closer after… everything.’

  He gave an exhale that was part laugh, part exasperation, although I wasn’t quite sure if the exasperation was aimed at me or something else.

  ‘Honestly, I think that’s exactly why I moved.’

  I wrinkled my brow, squinting up at him as the lowering sun shone in my eyes. ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘I didn’t want to rely on them. I wanted to prove that this wasn’t going to change who I was or take away the independence I’d always valued. I’d spent months having to rely on people and it did my head in. They were worried about me, obviously. Wanting to do stuff for me and I couldn’t deal with it.’

  ‘But I’m sure that wasn’t because they didn’t think you could do it yourself. It was because they love you.’

  ‘I know. But in my head, it got all twisted out of shape. I built up this need. This… I don’t know… it was something I felt I had to do. I had to put myself out of easy reach. I couldn’t rely on them and they wouldn’t be able to just pop in and see if I needed anything or check on me.’

  ‘Did it ever occur to you that they would have wanted to do that, whether you’d been injured or not? You’d been away for months already and weren’t at home much, even when not deployed. Perhaps they just actually wanted to spend time with you. Because you’re you. Not for any other reason.’

  ‘Don’t put it like that.’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘All sensible and reasonable.’

  I grinned and laid my head against his bicep for a moment. ‘You’re not going to like what I’m about to say then.’

  ‘Let me have it.’

  ‘You’re kind of annoying.’

  ‘Pardon?’

  ‘You. You’re kind of annoying.’

  He smiled. ‘I see. Any specifics?’

  ‘I’m getting to that. You’re determined not to be defined by your injury. That, although you realise it’s a part of you, it’s not who you are.’

  ‘And that’s a bad thing?’ His voice was calm.

  ‘God no! Let me finish. It’s just that you do all that. Complete all these challenges, make people aware of things and provide education through the charity, making sure as much as possible that people see the person first and the disability second – if at all. But in all your determination to ensure you weren’t defined by your injury, by doing what you did, removing yourself from your family and friends, the place you knew, you did that to yourself. Every time you looked around, I can’t help thinking there must have been something in your head that said, I’m here because of what happened.’

  ‘See. There you go again.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Being all wise and, annoyingly, probably correct.’

  I squeezed his arm and he returned the gesture, pulling my arm against his body. We walked in companionable silence as we approached the house. Opening the gate and keeping Scooby to heel, Seb waited as Humphrey and I went through.

  ‘You could always move, you know,’ I said, as we approached the front door.

  ‘I could.’

  ‘Everyone in the charity works pretty much remotely and I could always book a room for a meeting somewhere if it was required in the future.’

  ‘That’s true.’

  ‘You’d be nearer to your brother and be able to see the kids more too.
’ I didn’t mention his dad.

  ‘I would. Of course, this plan of yours does have an element of backfire on your part,’ he said, stepping into the cosiness of my parents’ house behind me.

  ‘It does?’ I asked, frowning.

  ‘It’d also mean I was closer to you.’

  ‘Oh!’ I said, unzipping my coat, aware that it had suddenly got quite warm in here.

  ‘There you are!’ Mum said, bustling towards us. ‘Did you have a nice walk? Is it warm out there? You look a little flushed, love,’ she said, placing a soothingly cool hand on my cheek.

  ‘Mmmhmm,’ I replied, pretty certain that the flush on my cheeks had only a passing connection with the weather outside and a lot more to do with the man standing beside me.

  * * *

  Later, having enjoyed a classic Sunday tea of sandwiches, cake and some freshly made sausage rolls, Seb and I began to get ourselves and the dogs ready to make a move. Mum always insisted on sending me home with leftovers and I followed her into the kitchen to help.

  ‘I’ll just wrap a bit of this up for Seb. He seemed to enjoy it earlier. Oh, there you are,’ she said, glancing up to see him and my dad entering the kitchen. ‘I was just saying I’ll send you home with some of this cake, if that’s all right.’

  ‘Oh, you really don’t have to do that.’

  ‘She’s worried that if you leave it here, I’ll just eat it all,’ my dad chuckled.

  ‘You probably would,’ Mum chided him with a loving laugh.

  ‘I hate to see good food go to waste.’ He winked at us both.

  ‘See?’ My mum waved her hand. ‘You’ll be doing us a favour. It’s only a little bit,’ she said, placing a massive wedge in some tin foil and neatly sealing it up. ‘There’s a few sausage rolls in there as well. I made too many really.’ She always made too many.

  ‘Thank you.’ Seb smiled, having already sensed it was a losing battle trying to protest.

  ‘Anyone in?’ Sally’s voice drifted in from the front door.

  ‘In here, darling,’ Mum called, as she tidied up the rest of the leftovers.

  ‘Hi,’ my sister said, greeting my dad and stopping as she suddenly noticed the extra member of the party. ‘Hello,’ she said, holding out her hand. ‘I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Sally.’ I got a pang of envy at how smooth she was. How she dealt with every situation with just the right amount of panache and good manners. If I’d charged in to my parents’ kitchen and suddenly noticed the best looking man I had ever met in my life just standing there, I was pretty sure my entrance would not have been anywhere near as dignified or elegant. But then, that was yet another difference between me and Sally.

  ‘Seb Marshall, pleasure to meet you. Lottie’s talked about you.’

  ‘Has she?’ Sally replied, smiling, as she turned her head slightly towards me, one exquisite brow arching ever so slightly.

  ‘All good,’ he smiled, charming her without effort or intention. ‘She said you work for an airline.’

  ‘I do. Yes.’

  ‘You off for a few days now, love?’ Dad asked.

  ‘Mmm,’ Sally nodded, watching Mum packaging up the food.

  Mum looked up and frowned. ‘You hungry, love? Shall I do you something?’

  ‘No,’ Sally stopped her with a hand on her arm. ‘I’m fine.’

  From the corner of my eye, I saw Mum and Dad exchange a look and I knew why. Sally was normally a bit of a force of nature. She didn’t do anything without a purpose. And now she was… almost relaxed. Like a normal person. Which was weird. Of course, there was the possibility that she was still pissed off with me about the whole book club thing but couldn’t say anything with company in the house. The more I thought about it, the more I felt I might have struck a bullseye.

  Having woken from their after-walk snooze, the two dogs now stretched and, sensing new smells, padded over to investigate. As Scooby trotted happily past his master, following his pal on their mission to investigate the newcomer, Seb called him to heel. Scoobs stopped short of Sally, and looked back, all soulful eyes.

  ‘Don’t look at me like that. Come on. Here.’ Scooby let out a sigh and trotted back, rewarded for his obedience with a chin rub and a dog treat Seb had left stuffed in a pocket from earlier.

  Humphrey, however, being smaller, had taken the shortcut under the table and wound around the chair legs, making it a little more difficult to catch him. And his recall, although pretty good, still wasn’t on a par with Scooby’s. Blissfully unaware that my sister was not as enamoured with him as the rest of us were, he trotted towards her. I took in the sheen on the fine tights she wore under her short, fitted leather skirt and reckoned I’d be paying for those shortly if I didn’t move fast. Knowing my sister, they were unlikely to be three for the price of one at Poundland, and I had no desire to find out their true cost.

  Dashing forward, I scooped Humph up just as he was about to rest his little paws on her shin.

  ‘Up we come,’ I said to him.

  Sally looked at me.

  ‘Sorry. He thinks he’s cuter than he is.’ I, of course, thought he was beyond cute, but I already knew what my sister thought about him, and dogs in general, from previous experience. Clearly Seb had remembered too.

  My sister stepped towards me and, much to my, and my parents’, surprise, gave Humphrey a little fuss as he sat contentedly in my arms. ‘He is rather sweet.’

  I couldn’t help the smile that broke on my face. ‘Thank you.’

  She looked up, meeting my eyes, and my smile. Maybe she wasn’t peed off with me after all.

  ‘Are those sandwiches for anyone?’ she asked, seeing a few triangles of bread on a plate.

  ‘No, dear. Have them. Do you want to know what’s in them so you can enter it into your little app?’ My sister had been keeping track of every single thing she ate via an app for years, along with her exercise, sleep and pretty much anything else you could track. Carbs were generally a sworn enemy. I guess today she’d called a temporary ceasefire to hostilities. She’d once tried to get me to do the whole app thing too, but frankly it looked exhausting.

  ‘No, that’s all right.’

  ‘Oh… OK. Here you go,’ Mum said, putting them on a smaller plate while clearly trying to keep the astonishment out of her voice. ‘There’s tea in the pot if you want some.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Sally said, taking a bite of one sandwich and taking it with her to finish as she poured tea into a bone china mug.

  Dad gave me a puzzled, but pleased, look.

  OK. Who was this woman and where was my sister?

  ‘I’ll go and put these bits in the car,’ Seb said, taking the food my mum had piled into two paper bags as he told Scooby to stay. Dad said something about giving him a hand, and, in a move fairly astute for a couple of blokes, it seemed that they had decided their absence might be appropriate for the moment. I looked across at Mum who gave a tiny shrug.

  ‘You all right, Sal?’ I started.

  ‘Yes, fine.’ She smiled, taking the second sandwich. That was literally the most carbs I’d seen her eat in one go in about three years. Something was up. ‘He seems nice.’

  ‘He is.’

  ‘I didn’t know you were seeing anyone.’ She looked out of the window, down the garden. ‘We don’t really talk much any more, do we?’

  I shrugged. ‘I’m not seeing him. We’re just friends. And you and I talk plenty. Life’s busy.’

  ‘Hmm.’

  In my mind, I’d circled back to the book club thing. And also because I didn’t really know what else to say. You’re acting really weird seemed a little blunt, even from me. ‘I am sorry about the book club, you know. I hope it hasn’t caused you too much trouble rearranging things.’

  Sally waved a perfect manicure at me. ‘Don’t worry about it, Lots. Actually, I’ve dropped out of it.’

  ‘Oh… really?’

  ‘Yes. It was just getting a bit complicated with my shifts and trying to get to the meetings after a lon
g flight was going to be exhausting.’

  ‘Couldn’t they arrange them for when you were off?’ I asked, frowning. ‘They must have realised you’d be tired after stepping off a long-haul flight.’

  Sally curved her hands around the mug of tea. ‘Actually, I think they did it on purpose. I’d given them my shift schedule and when they sent me the book club dates, they all clashed.’

  ‘Oh, love.’

  Sally gave a one shouldered shrug, then smiled up at us. ‘Me dropping out of it wasn’t exactly my idea, if I’m honest.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ I frowned.

  ‘They kind of uninvited me.’

  ‘Oh Sal. I’m sorry.’ My stomach twisted. Not doing stuff because you don’t want to is one thing, but I hadn’t meant other people to get flak because of it.

  ‘No, Lottie. Don’t look like that. It’s fine. Actually, you did me a favour.’

  ‘I did?’

  ‘You did.’ She reached out and took my hands, curling her long elegant fingers around mine. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t listen when you tried to tell me before that you felt they weren’t very friendly on the times you’d sat in for me.’

  ‘It’s all right.’

  ‘No. It’s not.’ There was a strength in her voice that I hadn’t heard in a long time. At least not when it came to something that affected other people. ‘I should have listened. You’re my sister and I dismissed your comments. I chose to put them above you and assume that it was just you.’ She looked up for a moment, away from me. ‘Dad, stop hiding in the hall. You’re not intruding on anything.’

  Dad entered the warm kitchen, followed by Seb, whom Scooby immediately went to greet as though he’d been gone for days. Seb bent down, tactfully making himself as small and unobtrusive as possible, which, bearing in mind his size, was pretty good going.

  Sally continued. ‘Anyway, when you said about it before, I just thought it was because they were… different to the sort of people you tend to mix with.’

  I wasn’t sure how to take that, and my confusion obviously showed on my face.

  ‘I don’t mean that in a bad way. But they’re more reserved. You’re used to Jess, who’s rather the opposite of reserved. In a good way.’