My Year of Saying No

by Morrey, Maxine

  24

  Two hours later, I was feeling a lot more human thanks to the extra bit of kip I’d nabbed, a thick smoky bacon sandwich courtesy of Seb, and a long hot shower which was entirely of my own doing. We gathered up the dogs and ourselves and headed out to Seb’s car as he’d offered to drive and I had no objections.

  ‘I just need to grab something. We OK for time?’

  I glanced at the clock on his dash. ‘Yep. Plenty.’

  ‘OK. Do you need anything?’ he asked as he pulled into a free car parking space at the supermarket.

  ‘Nope. Shall I wait with these two?’ I inclined my head at the two pooches sat happily peering out of the boot window. Humphrey hadn’t been able to see out when we first put him in, but without a word, Seb had reopened the boot, swept a couple of jackets and a blanket into a pile and, looking at Humph, pointed to it. Humphrey had scooted on to it, wiggling his bum in to get comfy and given a small bark as he now surveyed the surroundings from his raised dais.

  ‘You’re welcome,’ Seb grinned, before shutting the hatch.

  I laughed at the two faces peering out, and at Seb’s conversation. ‘And you say I’m daft.’

  ‘I’ve never said that.’

  ‘You don’t have to. It’s usually written all over your face.’

  ‘I thought you couldn’t read my expression.’

  ‘I’m special.’

  He led me to the passenger side and opened the door. ‘That you are,’ he smiled, before closing it behind me.

  * * *

  ‘Oh Seb, dear! You really didn’t have to do that,’ Mum said, her face flushed with pleasure as she admired the enormous bouquet he’d come out of the supermarket with.

  ‘You’ll be popular!’ I’d said as he’d passed the bouquet to me to hold and I peered round it, giving him the directions to my parents’ house. ‘You didn’t have to do this, you know. My mum already thinks you’re pretty great.’

  ‘I wanted to. And why does she think that?’

  ‘Because of your heroic stance of staying with me until the breakdown truck came, not being prepared to leave me undefended against dragons and brigands.’ I’d placed a hand against my chest, doing my best impression of a damsel in possible distress.

  He’d given his head the briefest of turns, then looked back at the road. ‘The dragons were less of a worry. Plenty of brigands about though.’

  ‘I’d have been fine. Just have locked myself in the car. No biggie.’

  ‘It was a biggie to me. And obviously to your parents. If my daughter was sat in a car park in the middle of the night alone, I wouldn’t be too thrilled about it either.’

  I’d studied him for a moment.

  ‘You’ve gone quiet.’

  ‘I was just pondering on you as a dad.’

  ‘Oh.’ There’d been a pause. ‘Dare I ask what conclusions you came up with?’

  ‘If you like. I think you’d make a great dad. I do, however, pity potential love interests for any daughters you may have though. Man, they’re going to be in for a grilling. I mean, look what you’re like with me, and I mean nothing to you compared to what a daughter would.’

  ‘You mean a whole lot more than nothing to me, Lottie.’

  I’d smiled and held his gaze for a moment before I’d flapped my hand. ‘You know what I mean. Oh, turn here. It’s the one on the end. Just park anywhere.’

  We’d entered via the kitchen, immediately ensconced within the warm fug of cooking and home. The dogs had charged in, Scooby following his new best friend around as Humphrey went off to inspect his grandparents’ house, just in case anything had changed since his last visit. Seb had made a bid to catch hold of his dog’s collar but to no avail, calling him back.

  ‘I’m sorry. He’s normally really good.’

  ‘He is.’ I backed Seb up.

  ‘Oh, they’re not doing any harm,’ my dad chuckled. ‘Just off checking to make sure there’s no intruders. Don’t worry. They’ll be back. This is where the food and company are, after all.’

  Seb smiled and nodded, and my dad gave him a hearty clasp on the shoulder.

  ‘Now, what can I get you to drink?’

  ‘I’m driving back later, but anything non-alcoholic would be great.’

  ‘Good, good. We can do that. I’ve got a little selection here. Come and take your pick. You into rugby at all?’ My dad led Seb through into the annexe off the kitchen where he stored all the drinks bottles and we soon heard them laughing.

  Mum glanced over at me and gave a little smile. I pretended not to know what it meant and just returned it innocently, happy that my dad was putting Seb so much at his ease. Not that I’d had any doubt of that.

  It had always been in our house that friends had gathered after school and at weekends, and not only because of Mum’s fabulous cooking but also for the atmosphere – the ease, the humour that pervaded the house. I’d always loved coming home, even on my odd stroppy teenage day. I’d never really gone through a phase. I always thought that made me sound boring – the fact that I hadn’t gone through a rebellious stage, dyed my hair black or pink or blue and declared anarchy on the System. To be honest, whenever I saw others at school doing this it just looked bloody exhausting!

  Sally, of course, definitely didn’t have any teenage angst. She’d been far too busy being pretty much perfect, getting good grades, looking beautiful and aiming for the career she wanted. I was good at the academic side, did my best to look presentable – sometimes with Sally’s help when she was feeling in a generous mood – but had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do with my life. That hadn’t fazed my parents either. They’d just told me I’d find out eventually. It took me a while but I had. And, as a bonus, this career came with a free Seb Marshall included.

  * * *

  Dinner was, as always, totally scrummy and ridiculously filling. I knew I shouldn’t have another roastie, or another anything really, but they were so delicious it was often hard to resist. Not that I tried that hard. I had nothing like my sister’s willpower when it came to Mum’s cooking.

  ‘No, no,’ Mum said, whipping the washing-up liquid out of Seb’s hand with the swiftness of a ninja. Seb opened his mouth but she held up a finger. ‘I’m serious. I’m just going to stuff it all in the dishwasher anyway.’

  ‘Well, let me do that then.’ Seb made to step towards the machine.

  Mum raised an eyebrow. ‘I shan’t invite you again if you’re going to insist on being helpful. Lottie, do take him away. Go and show Seb the view from the top of the lane, give the dogs a chance to stretch their legs.’

  We both looked to where the dogs were curled up by the Aga, sleeping.

  ‘Yes, they look eager to do that,’ I giggled, laughing at how Humphrey was using his bigger pal as a pillow.

  ‘Watch this though.’ Seb moved to where his coat was hanging and pulled the lead from a pocket. Scooby was up and across the kitchen, leaving Humphrey looking slightly dazed and appearing to wonder what just happened. ‘Come on, Humph. Time for a walk.’ He knew that word and was now just as keen as his friend, despite having been in the depths of what looked like a very contented sleep moments ago.

  I wasn’t entirely sure how I felt about Mum effectively shoving me out the door with Seb, but there wasn’t a lot I could do about it.

  We walked leisurely up the lane, towards the area Mum had suggested. ‘Sorry about this. I hope you didn’t mind a walk.’

  ‘Of course, I don’t mind. It’s lovely round here. I just feel bad not helping.’

  ‘Oh, don’t worry. She’s always been like that. The kitchen is kind of her domain. Stay long enough and she might let you help one day.’

  He smiled. ‘Something to look forward to.’

  ‘There’s a lot of dinners to get through before you get that golden ticket though.’

  ‘It’s a tough job, but I’m trained for this kind of thing.’

  I bumped his arm and we walked on companionably, talking about everything and no
thing, until we got to the fence that separated the lane from the view beyond.

  ‘Wow.’

  ‘Not bad, eh?’

  Before us, a field curved gently away, and below that lay the next village, an enchanting little hamlet that was just a scattering of houses, a tiny shop and a beautiful Norman church, with Gothic Victorian additions. Stood here, with the promise of spring in the air, a gentle warmth on our faces as the clouds of earlier had cleared away, the view was like something from a picture book. Or perhaps a history book of times gone by. From here there was no sight, and no sound, of the mechanical intrusion of humans. All was quiet, the only sounds being the gentle rustle of early leaves on the trees around us, birds fluttering and chirping as they swooped across and gathered on branches, and the long grass in the field swooshing gently as a breeze caught it.

  ‘You should see this in June. It’s an absolute mass of wildflowers. The owners don’t mow it as they want to encourage wildlife. It’s absolutely breathtaking. It’s just this humming mass of colour, buzzing with insects.’

  ‘That sounds wonderful. I’d like to see that.’

  ‘Well, behave and I might bring you again.’

  He gave me a little salute and rested his hands on the fence. ‘Where’s that?’ he asked, pointing to the next village.

  ‘Tinkerton. It’s beautiful. Tiny. I’ve always wanted to live there.’

  ‘Sounds like a place from a kids’ TV programme.’

  I smiled, bending and placing my elbows on the top bar of the fence next to him before resting my chin in my hands.

  ‘It does. I think that’s part of its appeal. It’s got a timelessness about it. I love it.’

  ‘Pricey?’

  I pulled a face. ‘Way out of my price range, unfortunately. Houses don’t come up very often there, but I always keep an eye and, when they do, I spend ages looking at them on the estate agency site.’ I rolled my head to one side to look at him. ‘Daft, eh?’

  His gaze remained focused on the view as he shook his head. ‘Not at all. People’s circumstances change all the time. Who knows what tomorrow might bring?’

  ‘Unless it brings a lottery win, I don’t think I’ve got any hope there. Still, it’s nice to dream.’

  He turned then, his smile as gentle as the sunshine. ‘It is.’

  I pushed myself up. ‘Shall we head back?’

  The dogs trotted alongside us as we meandered back a different way so I could show Seb the village and the little nursery my parents frequented much of the time. The owner smiled and waved as we came in.

  ‘They OK with dogs in here?’ Seb asked, hesitating.

  ‘Yep. Totally dog friendly. Even the café. It’s great. Their plants are brilliant too. Really strong and healthy. God, I wish I had a garden,’ I said, rubbing the soft furry leaf of a stachys between my thumb and forefinger. ‘Feel that. Isn’t it gorgeous?’

  Seb did as I asked. ‘Fuzzy. Feels a bit like when I fiddle with Scoobs’ ears.’

  ‘Exactly. Isn’t it lovely? Its common name is Lambs’ Ears.’

  He nodded. ‘Makes sense. It’s pretty.’

  We walked on for a few moments as I stroked, rubbed and sniffed various plants. Seb had taken Humph’s lead from me, leaving me free to poke about.

  ‘Did you have a garden before?’ he asked.

  I glanced up at him. ‘With my ex?’

  He gave a short nod.

  ‘Yes. Just a small one, but I loved it. I’d made it beautiful. Does that sound a bit arrogant?’

  ‘Nope. I’m sure you did. Nothing wrong with acknowledging that.’

  ‘I used to spend time out there every day, even if it was raining. Just a few minutes. It was my happy place. If I’d had a bad day, just being out there amongst all the plants and greenery could lift my spirits so much. They should prescribe gardening on the NHS.’

  ‘There are a few schemes that are doing things like that. Not many at the moment, but we’ve managed to get a few of our vets into some and, without exception, they’ve all thrived.’

  I smiled up at him. ‘That’s amazing!’

  ‘Yeah, it’s been great. Funding, as always, is the thing, but it’s definitely an area I’m looking into more.’

  I smiled.

  ‘And in the meantime, we really need to get you a garden. You’ve been buzzing ever since you stepped in here.’

  ‘It’s another of my happy places.’

  ‘Clearly.’ He said, giving me that sunshine smile again.

  ‘Lottie!’ The owner had now finished serving and came across to say hello. ‘How are you, my dear?’

  ‘Fine thanks, George. How are you and Margot?’

  ‘Good! Good! Ramping up for spring.’

  ‘It’s good to hear you’re busy. I’m sure Mum and Dad will be in here again soon.’

  ‘Oh, they’ve already been in stocking up on things. You just visiting or can I tempt you into something?’

  ‘Oh George, you know I don’t need much tempting, but I’ve already overfilled my allotted two-paving-slab space with pots at the flat, unfortunately.’

  ‘Aah, never mind. Another time. And what about you, sir?’ George looked up at Seb.

  ‘Oh, I’m not much of a gardener, unfortunately.’

  ‘We can soon change that!’ George laughed good naturedly.

  I glanced at my phone to check the time. ‘We’d better be getting back actually. Thanks, George. Love to Margot.’

  George waved as he headed back towards the cash desk, where a customer pushing a cart full of produce was just approaching. ‘See you soon, Lottie!’ he called.

  * * *

  ‘It’s really nice round here.’ Seb glanced around as we made our way back to the house. ‘I mean, not just pretty, but there seems to be a real sense of community too. I can see why you like it.’

  ‘Yes. It’s like a little pocket of times past, this tiny clump of villages. It feels like people still care about the place and each other. You don’t seem to get that a lot now.’

  ‘No. You don’t.’

  ‘Do you like where you live?’

  ‘It’s all right. Nice enough.’

  ‘Hmm, I can really hear the passion behind that.’

  He smirked at my sarcasm.

  ‘I assume your family are close by though?’

  Seb cleared his throat a little. ‘No. Not especially.’

  ‘Oh.’ We walked on a few more steps. ‘Where do they live then?’

  ‘About half an hour from here actually.’

  ‘Seriously?’

  He nodded.

  ‘Did you live up where you are now with your ex then?’

  ‘Nope. We didn’t actually live together. One of those things we’d never really got round to, although obviously we spent a lot of time at each others’ places. In the end, that made it better for her. She was able to make a clean break when she needed to. It was one thing I didn’t have to be thinking about either. Selling a house so that she could get her equity out, et cetera. It worked out well in the end.’

  ‘So, you had a place then?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘Where.’

  ‘Near where my brother lives now.’

  ‘And you sold it?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘And moved two hours away?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘When?’

  ‘A little while after I came out of hospital.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Why what?’

  ‘Why did you sell? Was it memories?’

  He shook his head. ‘Nope. Nothing like that.’ He glanced down at me. ‘I guess that makes me sound cold.’

  ‘No. Not really. But I am curious. You don’t have to tell me, of course.’

  ‘There’s nothing to tell really. I just needed a change.’

  ‘Two hours away from your family. I assume you’re not close then.’

  ‘It’s not that. My brother and sister-in-law are really good people, and I’m pretty close with them.
They’ve got a couple of kids and I do miss seeing them as much as I might have done had I stayed local.’ He gave a shrug and a flicker of sadness momentarily shadowed his face.

  ‘And your dad? Where’s he?’

  ‘Same sort of area as my brother.’

  As soon as I’d mentioned his dad, Seb’s face had hardened, like a visor had dropped into place. I kept silent for a moment, wondering whether to ask any more.

  ‘My dad’s not really like yours, Lottie.’

  I looked up.

  Seb saw the question in my eyes. ‘Your parents are easy going. Eager to put people at their ease. I can’t remember the last time I felt quite so relaxed with someone I’d literally only just met. I sort of feel like I’ve known them for ages. They have a real gift of welcoming people, whether they know them or not. It’s obviously just how they are.’

  ‘It is.’

  ‘You’re very lucky.’

  ‘I am. I know. But just because your dad isn’t quite so open as my parents are, I’m sure that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t like to see you more.’

  Seb looked away into the distance. ‘It’s complicated.’

  ‘Families often are.’

  ‘That’s true.’ His expression was still shuttered and his body had taken on a tension that it hadn’t had all day. I debated whether it was best to just let this go or whether to press on.

  ‘Have you never been close?’ I decided to give it a go. He could always change the subject if he wanted to, and, to be honest, I was kind of expecting him to, but something within me made me want to at least try. I hated that he’d suddenly become so tense after the relaxed happiness of earlier.

  ‘We used to be closer.’

  I tried to hide my surprise at him actually answering and remained quiet, leaving him to fill the silence if he wanted.