My Year of Saying No

by Morrey, Maxine

‘Everything OK?’ Olivia asked, concern on her face, her eyes shifting to a point behind me which I guessed was Seb.

  ‘Yeah, yeah,’ I waved, sticking a smile on my face that felt like it needed a lot more glue. ‘Unfortunately, I do have to go though.’

  ‘Oh…’

  ‘Nooooooo!’ the children raced round and grabbed onto me. ‘You have to stay! You promised.’

  Shit. Thanks, Seb.

  ‘I know I said I could, but I… have to go and pick my doggy up.’ Great. And now I was lying to children. I was officially a bad person.

  ‘You could get your doggy and come back!’ Isla tugged on my arm. ‘Please!’

  I gritted my teeth to try and stop the tears that were stupidly threatening to form.

  ‘Lottie can come back another time, Isla. She has to go now though, otherwise her doggy will be sad, and we don’t want that, do we?’ Jamie scooped up his daughter, catching my eye and giving the faintest of smiles which I returned.

  ‘No. No sad doggies.’ The little girl rested her head against her father’s chest.

  ‘Exactly.’

  ‘Thank you so much for having me!’ I said brightly before giving them all a hug goodbye. As I got to Seb’s dad, he gave me an extra squeeze.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered.

  I pulled back and met his eyes, smiling, and gave the tiniest shake of my head. And with that, I headed out to my car.

  Seb followed.

  ‘You don’t need to come out. It’s getting cooler now. You should go back in.’

  ‘You forgot your plant.’ He held it out to me.

  ‘Oh! Oh right, thank you.’ I took it from him and went round to the boot, wedging the pot in between a jacket I’d forgotten was in there and some shopping bags, ensuring it couldn’t tip over and get damaged.

  I walked back to the front and Seb pulled the door open for me. I slid in and tried not to think about how he was the only one whom I hadn’t hugged. Or that it was the only time since I’d first met him in person we hadn’t hugged goodbye. All of a sudden, it really did feel like goodbye.

  ‘Drive safely.’

  I nodded and closed the door after me, turning the key with the other hand as I did so, suddenly wanting to be far away from it all, and him. Hoping that would make it easier. I raised a hand in a half wave but didn’t turn to look and pulled away.

  I rang Mum on the way home, telling her I’d be swinging by to pick Humphrey up. She asked how it went and I gave her the highlights, leaving out the bit about Seb’s and my friendship apparently imploding. I wasn’t ready to talk about that just yet.

  A short while later, I was back at home, having deferred staying for a cuppa at Mum’s with the excuse of having a blinding headache, which was actually true. It had come on in the car and only got worse. So now I was home, in my pyjamas, with my dog. This was where I belonged. This was how things were meant to be. Any thoughts of it being different, of something perhaps developing with Seb and me, allowing myself to become a part of something else, had been well and truly obliterated. That life clearly wasn’t for me. I’d spent over seven years living with someone who had never even suggested marriage, or a family, and the dates I’d gone on last year hadn’t exactly warmed me to the theme that there might actually be someone out there worth my time. And, more importantly, my heart. And then, despite all attempts not to, I’d ridiculously let myself begin to think far too much about Seb Marshall. Which had probably been the biggest mistake of all.

  ‘What the hell was I even thinking, Humph?’ I asked, stroking the little dog’s fuzzy body. He was sprawled across me, as though pinning me down so I wouldn’t disappear again. But I had absolutely no intention of doing that. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t have gone up to the allotment with his dad.’ I said and smiled as he lifted his head and looked at me for a moment before flopping back down with a sigh. ‘Yeah. You’re probably right. I did enjoy it. Although maybe if I hadn’t chattered on quite so much, I wouldn’t have fallen out with Seb now but… I don’t know. It felt like his dad had been wanting to get those words out for a long time, but maybe he needed someone separate, not entwined with the family, to be able to talk. Or maybe it’s just that I can natter on a bit sometimes when I relax and that can encourage others to do the same.’

  Humphrey yawned, emitting a little squeak as he did so.

  ‘Sorry. Am I boring you?’

  He made a grumble.

  ‘Either way, I’m glad he talked to me if it’s done anything to lighten his load a little. Even if it was at the price of my friendship with Seb. To be honest, if Seb doesn’t know I’d never break his, or anyone else’s, confidence, then maybe he doesn’t know me as well as he thought he did. Or as well I thought he did. So, actually, all of this is a good thing, isn’t it? I mean, showing things for what they are?’

  Humphrey looked round at me and, I swear to god, if he could talk, he’d have said ‘What a crock’, but in the light of the fact he couldn’t, I decided to take his expression as one of agreement that I was entirely right and I should waste no more time on the matter.

  The headache tablets I’d taken earlier didn’t seem to be having a massive effect, other than making me feel drowsy. Truth was, I felt exhausted. Denial, apparently, could be incredibly draining.

  ‘Come on, matey. Let’s get your ablutions done so I can get to bed and sleep this clanger off.’

  Humphrey wriggled a bit, disinclined to move, but I made to get up and he grumbled once in his chatty way before jumping down on to the floor, resting his paws up against my leg and then following me to the door.

  I glanced at my phone on the tiny console table that held my keys and other bits and bobs. It had remained silent all evening. Picking it up, I switched it off and put it back on the table before heading out into the dark with my dog.

  * * *

  The next morning being a Monday I’d normally have had an email waiting for me with Seb’s agenda and items that needed doing for the charity, together with a time suggestion for a Skype call to go over any points, but which generally just turned into an excuse to have a natter. This morning, however, there was nothing. I checked my spam folder just to see if anything had got diverted accidentally into there, but, other than the usual dodgy rubbish, there was nothing in there. I emptied it, declining the offers of Russian girls, cures for a ‘limp noodle’, which at least brought a smile, and promises to get me laid that day. All good offers, I’m sure, but no thank you. Delete.

  I pushed away the thought that yesterday might not only have totalled my friendship with Seb but also have put my income at risk. The charity was a big client – my biggest – and if Seb decided to take his business elsewhere that could put a serious dent in things. Still, I pushed my shoulders back, gave them a couple of rolls for good measure and opened my to-do list. If he chose to do that, he had a contract which detailed that three months’ notice was needed before he could actually leave. That would give me time to source some more clients and hopefully start building them up. I’d managed before and I’d manage again. It was always bad to rely on just one client anyway and although the charity took up a lot of my time, especially at the moment with the gala coming up, it was why I was always keen to keep up with my other clients and make sure everyone was happy. Right now, that was my main concern. I’d made Seb Marshall pretty unhappy yesterday, but I was going to do everything I could to ensure I kept all my other clients onside. On the plus side, I knew I was good at my job. In fact, I was pretty damn great at my job and Seb knew that. If he did decide to take his business elsewhere, good luck with finding someone as awesome as I was.

  Having given myself that mental pep talk, I opened the first email I needed to reply to and began typing.

  As it turned out, one of my other clients emailed me shortly after, explaining that they’d brokered an agreement at a breakfast meeting first thing, which was turning into kind of a huge deal and involved a lot of extra work. If I put aside the fact that, once I was made Queen of the World
, one of the first things I would ban would be breakfast meetings, I was thrilled for them. They were a fairly new start-up and worked hard. This sounded like it could really be their chance to get noticed and get the recognition they deserved, so I was more than happy to dedicate extra time to them and make sure they had everything they needed going forward.

  This, together with my regular client work, plus answering emails and messages from Jess as to what I thought about this dress, or that tiara, or these flowers, was keeping me busy. Now she’d blurted it all out about wanting a big wedding, she and Harry had really started planning. Well, Harry was pretty much just saying she could have whatever she wanted, wanting in part to make up for her going along for months with something she hadn’t wanted at all.

  ‘So, they were pretty horrified when they found out what I’d thought,’ Jess told me after her and Harry’s weekend meeting at his parents’ country pad. She’d suggested that he go on his own initially, but Harry had insisted, telling her he wanted her to hear what they had to say so that she knew. That they were a team and they did things together, now and always. Jess had been a little hesitant. Of course, she wanted to know – but a part of her was concerned about what she might find out.

  ‘What was the whole small wedding thing about then?’

  ‘Oh, because when I’d looked at the photos of his sister’s wedding, which was bloody massive, I had kind of gone “Blimey, it looks like everyone and his dog was invited!” and so they thought it might be less overwhelming for me if Harry and I had something more subtle.’

  ‘Clearly they need to get to know you better if they think you ever do subtle.’

  ‘I’m going to take that as a compliment.’

  ‘When it comes to you, it’s meant as one.’

  ‘Aah, thanks, doll.’

  ‘Pleasure.’

  ‘Anyway, so we sat down and Harry just blurts out what I said at dinner the other night. I mean, I love him, but I could have kicked him! It was mortifying!’

  ‘Sometimes it’s best just to pull the plaster off quickly.’

  ‘Yeah, I s’pose. So, there’s this long silence, and they’re all looking at me and Harry and each other and then his mum burst into tears!’

  ‘No!’

  ‘Yeah! I know! I didn’t know what to do. Harry was just sort of stood there. He looked a bit flabbergasted too.’

  ‘So, what happened?’

  ‘Well, then she rushed over to us and just hugged us and said she was so sorry I’d felt like that and how happy they were to be welcoming me into the family.’

  ‘Aww!’

  ‘I know. I didn’t know if it was all a bit of fluff to start with. I mean, obviously she doesn’t want to upset Harry, but then she started going on about how she’s never seen her son so happy or having so much fun, and that I’m like a ray of sunshine beaming into their stuffy old house, I think was how she put it.’

  ‘Oh Jess, that’s lovely! I’m so happy it’s all got sorted out.’

  ‘Yeah, me too. God, Lots, it was so embarrassing though. When she said that, and she was all teary, I bloody well burst into tears too! I had mascara dripping off my chin! What a flippin’ sight!’

  ‘Oh no!’

  ‘I know! Thankfully it just made us all laugh and his mum took me off to the bathroom and helped me clean up and it was really nice. It was kind of this little bonding moment.’

  I smiled at the video screen and blew her a kiss. ‘I’m really happy for you both, Jess.’

  ‘Me too. And it’s all thanks to you.’

  ‘Me?’

  ‘Yeah. If you hadn’t been on this “saying no” kick, and not prodded Harry at dinner the other day about stuff, none of it probably would have come out and I’d have had a tiny wedding I didn’t want, instead of the absolute fiesta I’m now planning, and would have just harboured resentment against his family for some imagined slight for the next several decades!’

  ‘Well, then it is a good thing.’

  ‘Definitely.’

  Jess took a swig of coffee from a mug that told everyone she was the ‘World’s Best Fiancée’ and made a rolling motion with her other hand.

  ‘So, how was your weekend?’

  ‘Yeah, good thanks.’

  On the screen Jess squinted at me, peered closer as though that would help and then sat back. ‘OK. Something happened. Spill.’

  ‘Nothing happened. I’m fine.’

  She checked her watch. ‘Shall I call you back when you’re ready to cut the poop out?’

  I rolled my eyes.

  ‘I’ve known you since playgroup, girl. And I know when you’re hiding something. You may as well tell me.’

  ‘There’s nothing to tell.’ I wasn’t about to rain on Jess’ bridal parade with my friendship implosion.

  ‘OK. Last chance. If you don’t, I will scour the world to find the ugliest, most hideous, most polyester bridesmaid dress I can and post all the pictures on all social media platforms.’ She wagged her finger at me. ‘You know I’d do it.’

  I wasn’t entirely sure she would. But then again, I wasn’t entirely sure she wouldn’t.

  ‘Honestly. There’s nothing much to tell. I kind of had a falling-out with Seb. That’s all.’

  ‘That’s all?’ she repeated. ‘That sounds like quite a lot.’

  ‘Not really.’

  ‘Yeah. Really. You two are kind of inseparable.’

  ‘Oh, we are not.’

  She gave me a disbelieving ‘uh-huh’ look.

  ‘But you’re fine now, right?’

  I wrinkled my nose.

  ‘When was this?’ she asked, looking more concerned now.

  ‘Late yesterday afternoon.’

  ‘Have you spoken to him?’

  ‘Nope.’

  ‘Did you try and ring?’

  ‘Nope.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because he acted like an arse.’

  ‘OK. Fair enough. What happened exactly?’

  I gave Jess a potted version.

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Yeah. Oh.’

  ‘Have you got work to do for him?’

  ‘Yes. I already had some stuff and he sent over an email this afternoon with a few more points on.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘And what did he say about yesterday?’

  ‘Nothing. It was just a generic email, with a couple of other charity bods copied in.’

  ‘Is that normal?’

  ‘Sort of.’

  ‘What does “sort of” mean?’

  ‘It means yes, he usually sends those… but most of the time he’ll add in another just to me or will ring me to chat over it too.’

  ‘But he hasn’t this time?’

  ‘No.’ I shrugged. ‘No big deal.’

  Jess tilted her head. ‘It kind of is though, isn’t it? I mean. For you two.’

  I gave another shrug. ‘Maybe not. Maybe this is just how it is. How it should be. And that’s fine. I don’t really need someone in my life like that who doesn’t think he can trust me so…’ I let the sentence drift off and pulled a ‘whatever’ face to punctuate it and hoped it went some way to covering the sadness I truly felt.

  ‘But… Oh bugger. I’ve got a call coming in I need to take.’

  I waved her off. ‘Take it. I need to get on anyway. Also. Love the first dress, not so much the second one.’

  ‘Great minds. OK, talk to you soon. Love you!’

  ‘Love you too,’ I said and hung up.

  The rest of the week passed in a blur as I helped my start-up company keep on top of everything, as well as making sure all my other clients were happy and content. The only contact I had with Seb was the odd work email, but, other than that, all remained quiet. Thankfully, now Jess was in overdrive with the whole bridal thing, my mind was kept thoroughly occupied.

  30

  By late Friday afternoon, I was absolutely shattered and ready to call it a day. Checking my to-do-list was up to date, and my inbox w
as empty, my finger was just hovering over the shutdown key when an email pinged into to my folder, replacing the nice tidy zero counter with a one. I could just leave it until Monday. Oh, who was I kidding? Of course, I couldn’t. I opened the application back up.

  The email was from Seb. Again, it was copied to several others.

  Dear Lottie,

  I would like to take this opportunity to thank you, on behalf of the charity, for all the hard work you’ve put in in order to make the upcoming gala a success.

  We’ve now had confirmation from the last two celebrities you managed to get interested in the cause, and it appears they have been spreading the word about it on their social media.

  I’ve also attached a screenshot from a paper out today of a quote by Prince William about the good work the charity is doing. The same story is in a few different papers apparently, both physical and online, which is great coverage.

  Both of these circumstances have led to a massive spike in hits on our website already and we know that they have only come about because of your hard work and determination to go above and beyond the remit of your position in order to ensure the success of the event.

  In light of this, I would like to ask you, on behalf of the charity, if you would do us the honour of attending the gala so that you are able to meet the other members of the team and we are able to thank you in person for everything you have done.

  Following that was his standard digital signature.

  I read the email through again, looking for a hint of personality, but there was none. I pressed reply, thinking how different this situation might have been last week. Deleting my blank email, I went back to the original and hit Reply All instead.

  Dear All,

  Thank you so much for your email.

  I am so pleased to hear that the latest connections have paid off and that, together with the quote we secured, they are already helping to boost the charity’s profile even more. That is great to hear.

  I’d also like to thank you for your kind invitation to the gala, which I was very honoured to receive. Unfortunately, I will be unable to attend but very much appreciate the thought behind the gesture and, of course, wish you all the very best of luck for its success.