My Year of Saying No

by Morrey, Maxine

  Kind regards,

  I finished it off with my own digital signature, pressed send and closed my computer.

  ‘Come on, Humph. Time for a walk.’

  For once I wasn’t in my pyjamas, which enabled me to go straight out which seemed like the ideal plan right now. Getting out into the countryside with just my dog for company was exactly what I needed. I wasn’t going to think about Seb, or the gala, or the impersonal way he’d gone about inviting me. If he’d truly thought I’d accept that, then he really didn’t know me at all, but I’d kind of already come to that conclusion. It didn’t mean I wasn’t sad about the whole thing though. However much I’d tried to pretend I was OK to Jess, and to myself, I wasn’t. I was hurt and upset and furious at Seb – but I also felt like I’d lost someone incredibly important from my life and I was still working out how to deal with that. So far this week, general denial and avoidance was working as well as could be expected, but I wasn’t entirely sure that was a viable long-term plan.

  Seb Marshall had been in my life for the best part of three years and I’d spoken to him most days for the majority of that time. This year we’d grown even closer, and more recently, on the odd occasion when I let the fairies in my brain out of their cage, I’d wondered whether there really could be something more to us.

  But there wasn’t. And there wouldn’t be. Right now, there didn’t even appear to be any sort of us and I needed to deal with that.

  Getting outside was the best thing I could have done. The evenings were so much lighter now and the branches heavy with blossom. A gentle breeze rippled through the orchard to my right, lifting the scent along and teasing my senses. I reached up, touching a bloom that hung close to the path, feeling its soft petal, grounding myself in the moment. Being mindful of—

  ‘Holy shit!’ My phone rang out from my pocket, shattering the peace.

  Humphrey looked around at my exclamation and I apologised to him for my language as I wrangled the phone out of a pocket that was a tiny bit too small for it. Having finally managed, I looked at the screen. It was a WhatsApp video call. From Seb. I let it ring off.

  Just as I was about to put it back in my pocket, it started up again. I pressed decline. And because I knew Seb and the determination he had when he needed it, I began typing a message.

  I’m out. Can’t talk

  There was no emoji. No kiss. Just facts. Facts I could deal with right now.

  OK. Would you be able to call me when you get back?

  I looked at the top right of my phone and checked the time. As I did this, I saw the word ‘typing’ replace ‘online’ in the top left, just under Seb’s name.

  I know it’s after hours, but I’d really appreciate it

  There was a gap and more typing.

  Even if I don’t really deserve it

  I gave a sigh and stuffed my phone back into my pocket. I wasn’t sure what to do yet. I couldn’t avoid him forever. I enjoyed the work I did for him and the charity and I’d be sorry to lose that – and not just in an economic sense. It felt good to be working with such a great cause and feeling I helped to make a difference.

  I gave myself an eye roll and concentrated on getting back to my mindful stroll. Seb Marshall would just have to wait.

  * * *

  Heading back in, I felt refreshed and that a few of the knots I’d worked into my body throughout the day had begun unfurling. Checking the dog’s bowl, I gave it a rinse and put down some clean fresh water, which he immediately set about lapping up, kindly giving the floor area around it a wash for me while he was at it.

  I tidied up the kitchen a bit, placing my plate and cup from lunchtime in the slimline dishwasher and pondered over what to do for dinner, settling on some grilled chicken and spicy rice.

  Humph stopped drinking and came over to me to see if I was doing anything that might be of interest to him. I felt a drip on my sock and grabbed the towel I had set aside for the dog and bent to smoosh his face with it, laughing as he began the familiar play with it.

  ‘Come on, pooch. Let’s get this over with.’

  Humphrey gave me a quizzical look before trotting after me as I made my way to the sofa and sat down, then he hopped up and got comfy on my lap by circling a few times and plopping down with an effort that belied his size. I moved him off my bladder and picked up my phone.

  Opening the app, I went to calls and saw the two unanswered ones from Seb. Pressing on one of these, I took a deep breath and pressed the little video camera button. He answered on the second ring.

  ‘Hey.’

  ‘Hello.’

  Bugger. I was hoping he might have got less attractive in the past week. He hadn’t.

  ‘Good walk?’ he asked.

  ‘Yep, not bad.’ The conversation already felt strained and awkward in a way it never had before.

  ‘Right. Good. Great.’

  ‘Yep,’ I said again.

  Seb looked at me for a moment then let out a sigh. ‘I hate this.’

  ‘What?’

  He made a motion with his hand. ‘This. Us.’

  I frowned.

  ‘The weirdness.’

  ‘Is it weird?’ I asked, in a voice that was so weird it didn’t even sound like mine. But I wasn’t about to admit that.

  Seb tilted his head. ‘You know it is, Lots.’

  I gave a maybe yes, maybe no, head wobble and stayed silent.

  ‘You turned down the gala invitation.’

  ‘Yes. Thanks, but I’m busy that night.’

  ‘You never mentioned it before.’

  ‘You never asked.’

  Seb thought that over and, by the look on his face, realised that was probably true. ‘Are you really though?’

  ‘Yes.’

  He ran a hand over his dark crop and looked at the screen. It felt like he was looking straight through me and seeing the very empty space on my calendar for that particular day. I did my best not to blush and give myself away. He didn’t say anything for a moment, but I was pretty sure he knew it was a lie.

  ‘Everything I put in the email was true. You’ve done so much for the charity, and even more for this gala. I know it’s going to be successful and a lot of that is down to you going above and beyond.’

  I shrugged. ‘It’s a good cause.’

  ‘So come.’

  ‘I told you I’m—’

  ‘Busy. Yes. Right.’

  This was going nowhere and frankly just making me feel worse. I glanced over to the clock before turning back. ‘I’d better get on with some dinner.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he said before I’d quite finished. ‘About last weekend. I’m so sorry, Lottie. I should never have let you go like that.’

  ‘You didn’t let me go anywhere. I chose to leave,’ I said, throwing one leg over the saddle of my high horse.

  Seb gave me a look. ‘You know what I mean.’

  I dismounted but couldn’t quite shake off the haughty demeanour. ‘It was fine,’ I said, attempting to sound like it hadn’t bothered me in the slightest. Again, I wasn’t sure I was pulling it off. A glance at the screen would suggest I definitely wasn’t, but I continued on anyway. ‘I’d probably overstayed my welcome anyway, so it was a good time to leave your family in peace.’

  ‘You hadn’t overstayed your welcome in the slightest – I’m not sure you could ever do that in my family’s eyes. They’re kind of your biggest fans right now. And that includes my dad, who’s never exactly been the ebullient type when it comes to praise. But that’s just his way.’

  My ears perked up. Was Seb actually defending his father?

  ‘Well, I very much enjoyed meeting them too. And, if you speak to him, please thank your dad again for the rose. I’m taking it over to my parents’ place this weekend to pot it up so I can sneak it in onto my paving slabs outside.’

  ‘I’ll do that.’

  ‘Thanks. Well, I’d better get on.’

  ‘Lottie?’

  ‘Hmm?’

  ‘I w
ant to apologise.’

  ‘Yes. Well, you did. Kind of.’

  ‘I want to do it a lot better than “kind of”. If you’ll let me.’ He shook his head. ‘I wish I wasn’t so bloody far away. Doing it on here is the worst. It doesn’t feel right.’

  I shrugged.

  ‘Fine. Right. OK. I am truly sorry about Sunday. I completely overreacted, and I don’t know why. I guess I do know why, but it still doesn’t excuse how I treated you.’

  ‘So, what was the reason?’

  ‘For me acting like a complete arse? I think that was how my brother phrased it at least?’

  ‘I like your brother.’ I couldn’t help but smile.

  ‘The feeling’s mutual.’

  ‘So?’

  ‘I guess… I guess I’m just not used to it.’

  ‘Used to what?’

  ‘Being talked about like that.’

  ‘I wasn’t talking about you. Your dad was talking about you and I was listening. It felt like he had things he needed to say, and I was happy to listen. It’s not like we were talking about you behind your back for any nefarious reason, Seb. He’s just hurting. More than you know, I think. Just like you are.’

  ‘I think you’re right.’

  I shook my head impatiently. ‘I already know I am. It’s just you two that are too stubborn to admit it.’

  ‘I can be stubborn about a lot of things. That’s helped me in the past in certain situations. But it’s probably not helpful in every circumstance.’ He dragged a hand across his jaw, dark with a five o’clock shadow. ‘God, I’m making a right mess of this. Look, Lottie. I should never have let you leave like that last week. I accused you of something and then didn’t let you explain properly, and even when you tried, I didn’t listen. That was a mistake, and one I’ve spent the past week regretting, wondering if my pig-headedness has broken the friendship I value most in my life.’ He paused. ‘Has it?’

  I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, running my hand down Humphrey’s soft fur as he snoozed comfortably, unaware of the emotions tumbling through his owner right now. ‘Honestly? I don’t know.’

  I saw my answer register on Seb’s face and tried not to let the pain in his eyes affect me. I hated seeing that hurt but he’d caused me pain too and I couldn’t forget that.

  ‘All I really did was listen to your dad. I got the impression from him, and from things you’ve said, that he doesn’t talk about feelings a lot. Kind of like someone else… but that’s all I did. I did make the comment about how you both seem to be carrying guilt around, but I never – would never – have said any more than that. Even that came out by accident.’

  ‘I know that now.’

  ‘That’s not really the point though, is it?’ Now I’d started, I didn’t seem able to stop. ‘The point is that you didn’t believe me. You just automatically assumed I’d broken your trust, when that’s the one thing I’d never do. And then you made me feel like everything was my fault. Punishing me by ignoring me. Sending group emails instead of talking to me as you normally would and just being so cold and distant. Making everything so different from how we’ve been.’

  ‘Lottie, I know and—’

  ‘I made a mistake with you.’ I interrupted.

  ‘What mistake?’ he asked, his eyes full of concern beneath the dark brows, now drawn together.

  ‘Letting the lines between business and friendship blur. That was wrong of me and I won’t—’

  ‘Don’t say it, Lottie. Please. I know I was in the wrong and I’m sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am. But I’m asking for your forgiveness. I know I don’t necessarily deserve it, but I need it. I need you in my life, Lottie. I didn’t realise just how much until all this happened.’

  31

  Seb sat back on the sofa and let a steady breath out, his eyes never leaving the screen in front of him. ‘I built up a barrier around myself after everything happened. I’d always been pretty open before then, but it changed me, and I know I shouldn’t be surprised at that, but I thought once I got back on my feet again, no pun intended, I’d kind of get the old me back. And I did. To an extent. To all intents and purposes, I was friendly and open, but I never really let anyone in again properly. Not in the way I had before. My brother and Olivia persevered, but when you keep shutting people out, eventually they stop knocking at the door, and you can’t blame them.

  ‘And I ended up doing it with my dad. I was so caught up with my own grief when Mum died, so busy swimming in this sea of guilt I’d created, that I never really acknowledged his. He’d needed me and, in a way, he’d needed me to need him. Not in a do everything for me kind of way, but… it’s hard to explain.’

  ‘I think I know what you mean,’ I said, quietly, wondering how he’d come to all these conclusions.

  ‘I’d shut him out, along with everyone else, and having just lost the love of his life, he didn’t really know to deal with me too. So, neither of us did anything. We stayed polite as much as possible. Civil. I’d made it easier to keep that distance, having put a literal one in place by moving away, but, deep down, that wasn’t what either of us wanted. It took me a while to admit that. I thought I was fine. That I didn’t need us to be close any more, and this chasm just got bigger and bigger until eventually neither of us had any idea how to bridge it.’ Scooby’s head suddenly filled the frame, a big eye peered at me before disappearing to lay on Seb’s lap. Judging by the ‘oof’ sound he let out, the lab hadn’t done it in the most delicate of manners.

  Seb wriggled a bit, getting comfy around the dog. ‘I’m still learning, Lottie. I know that’s no excuse. But I’m not used to being as open with people as I am with you and I guess it just took me by surprise. I still don’t know how you got behind the defences. I’m normally really careful, but with you it feels like I just left the door open for you to stroll right in to my life… and my heart.’

  I watched him, my heart pounding as his words swirled around my brain, and I tried to work out exactly what it was that he was saying.

  ‘I can’t tell you how many times I’ve picked the phone up this week and started to call you. How many emails I’ve begun and deleted. How many messages I’ve done the same with.’

  ‘But instead you chose to send impersonal, group emails?’ I raised a brow.

  He closed his eyes slowly before opening them again. ‘I know it sounds stupid, but I felt that at least I was in some sort of communication with you that way. Twisted logic, I’m sure, but it felt like if we still had that connection, it meant I hadn’t lost you entirely.’

  ‘It made it worse, Seb.’

  His shoulders slumped, the normally upright bearing he held, even when relaxed, was abandoned. ‘I don’t know how to apologise enough. I know I hurt you. I saw it in your face when I accused you of overstepping the line with my dad and I saw it when you were getting in the car. All I wanted to do was pull you to me and wrap you in the biggest hug I could.’

  ‘So, why didn’t you?’ I asked, unable to keep the tremor out of my voice as my mind went back to that moment, the squeeze of my heart as real now as it had been then. ‘Why let me drive off thinking you believed the worst of me? The look you gave me? I don’t think I’ve ever seen one so cold and you were the last person I thought would ever do that.’

  ‘I didn’t because I was stupid, and stubborn and confused. And maybe a little bit scared.’

  My eyebrows shot up at this. ‘You? Scared?’

  The faintest shadow of humour teased his lips and he gave a little brow raise of his own in acknowledgement. ‘God, I wish I lived closer. I’d much rather do this in person. At least it’d give you a chance to take a swing at me, which is kind of what you looked like you wanted to do when I answered the call.’

  ‘I’m going to neither confirm nor deny that.’ He smiled at the reply. ‘And stop changing the subject. What were you scared of?’

  He took a deep breath then let it out slowly before he spoke. ‘How well you fit in my life.’ He sat forw
ard and I heard the dog groaning in protest at having an apparently comfy position disturbed. ‘Lots, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Meeting you, spending time with you, and getting to know you more and more has opened my eyes to a world I’d forgotten even existed. I acted like an idiot. A complete and utter idiot, and I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am, but you have to know how much you mean to me and tell me what I can do to make it up to you. To make this right.’

  I wished for once that I was like my sister with her cool, collected personality instead of my slightly more erratic one which meant I was, at the moment, pretending there weren’t tears shining in my eyes and the odd one tipping out onto my cheek. I resolutely ignored it, hoping that if I didn’t draw attention to it, Seb might not notice. The video quality always varied on these things and, with a bit of luck, his end might be on the fuzzy side today.

  ‘Do you need to get a tissue?’

  Bugger.

  ‘Nope. I’m fine.’

  He drew a hand across his mouth. ‘I never want to make you cry, Lottie.’

  ‘Too late!’ I tried to laugh it off, but it only half worked. His face looked as grim as ever.

  ‘I’m sorry I didn’t call you. I wanted to talk to you the moment your tail lights disappeared, but it’s taken me a week to build up the courage to do it. I guess half of me was worried you’d tell me I’d messed up badly enough for you not to want to talk to me, outside of work at least, ever again.’

  ‘It took you a week to find the courage to do that?’

  ‘I know…’ he raised his free hand in a single-sided shrug.

  ‘No… I mean. After everything you’ve done. Things you’ve seen. Been through? I don’t think courage is something you’re lacking in, Seb.’

  He gave a wan smile. ‘Maybe that gives you an idea of just how worried I’ve been then.’