My Year of Saying No

by Morrey, Maxine

  Seb said nothing, his gaze drifting over to the exit. Maria was slipping into an expensive looking coat, assisted by her fiancé.

  ‘It’s a good job you’ve got other ways of persuading me to part with my money.’ Her voice had dropped an octave as she gazed up at him.

  Seb frowned for a moment, then cleared his throat. I felt my face burning as emotions hurtled around inside me.

  ‘I should leave you to it,’ I said.

  Seb focused back on me, paused for a moment, then gave a short nod. ‘Shall I call you a cab?’

  I shook my head. ‘No. Don’t worry. I’ll sort myself out.’ I reached into my clutch for my phone and went to press Jess’ contact. I didn’t know if her and Harry had left yet, but I was hoping not.

  ‘Lottie?’ Seb asked.

  ‘Yes?’ I glanced up from the phone.

  ‘Is everything OK?’

  ‘Perfect. But you’re right. I’m tired and should get home. I mean… back to the hotel.’

  I dialled and Jess picked up almost instantly. I turned slightly and asked her where she was.

  Two minutes later, Harry and Jess found us and we said our goodbyes. Jess gave me an enquiring look at Genevieve Carstairs’ possessive arm around Seb’s waist. I returned it with a tiny shake of my head and she surreptitiously gave my hand a gentle squeeze.

  ‘Bye, Seb.’ I gave him a peck on the cheek and he made no show of being surprised, or of having expected anything more. In a way, that made my decision easier. Or harder, depending on the way you looked at it.

  ‘Is everything all right between you two?’ Jess asked, a question I knew was full of as much restraint as Jess possessed.

  ‘There is no “us two”,’ I stated as I clambered into the back of the black cab.

  Harry handed Jess in and followed, giving the driver the instructions as he did so.

  Jess gave me a surprised look. ‘That’s not how it looked earlier. Especially not on the dance floor.’

  ‘Looks can be deceiving then, I guess. There’s nothing.’

  ‘I wouldn’t worry about Ginnie,’ Harry ventured. ‘She’s a terrible flirt but nothing ever comes of it.’

  Having already been through three husbands, two of whom had started out as someone else’s husband, if Jess’ previous information was to be believed, I was disinclined to agree with this well-intentioned statement. It was common knowledge she had set her sights on Seb and if marriage vows were no obstacle to her, then whatever fledgling thing Seb and I had momentarily possessed certainly wasn’t. Especially when Seb himself wasn’t prepared to stand up for it.

  I knew something was off with him. That seeing his ex had sparked something. Something I didn’t understand. Hadn’t been given the chance to understand. But I was still hurt. Hurt and angry with myself for not sticking to the decision I’d made earlier in the year. I’d said no to him once before and that’s what I should have stuck with.

  ‘Lots? You all right?’ Jess took my hand.

  ‘Yep,’ I said, taking it back. Right now, Jess’ concern was making me feel a little wobbly and I was already doing my best to hold it together.

  ‘But I thought—’

  ‘I did too, Jess, but I guess I was wrong.’

  ‘What’s going on?’ she asked.

  I leant my head back against the seat of the cab and watched the neon signs of London flash past. ‘Can we not talk about it right now, Jess?’ I looked over at her. ‘Please?’

  She reached across and took my hand again and this time I let her. ‘Of course. But you know where I am if you want me.’

  I nodded and then turned back to the window, wanting the night to be over. Wanting to be out of this stupid bloody dress and wanting to be home, with my dog, knowing that at least I could trust him not to break my heart. Unlike Major Seb Marshall.

  * * *

  The gala had been a huge success and, in the weeks following it, the charity had been attracting more attention and more investors. Seb was run off his feet and I was doing everything I could to help with the new plans he had for the charity. A part of me had hoped that when I spoke to him again, once he’d got over the initial shock of seeing his ex, he’d get back to his normal self. But the bigger part of me knew that wasn’t going to happen, and the past few weeks had proved me right.

  I knew I hadn’t imagined things at the garden show, or at the gala. The way he’d looked at me, the words he’d spoken, the way he’d held me. But I, it seemed, like all the other women he’d dated since he’d got back on the scene, had been nothing more than a distraction. It was why his other liaisons never lasted that long. Seb might have opened his heart to his family now regarding the guilt he’d been carrying, but he seemed incapable of opening his heart to anything more than a few dates with women. Maria had captured his heart. He’d asked her to marry him and then, when everything turned upside down, she’d left. Or been sent away. It didn’t really matter which, because she’d still taken his heart with her. Which was really inconvenient, because I’d spent the last several months trying not to give mine to him, and the moment I did, he hadn’t even noticed.

  We’d talked, but he was definitely more distracted than before and, while I knew he suddenly had a lot more on his plate thanks to the success of the gala, he was also more withdrawn. From saying he wanted to be with me, now he barely rang and had made no suggestion to meet up. Jess had tentatively mentioned she’d seen a picture in the society pages of Seb accompanying Genevieve Carstairs to some function or other, but I’d quickly changed the subject and Jess, thankfully, hadn’t pursued it. Perhaps Seb’s habit of keeping his real feelings at a distance from any romantic partner worked for Lady Carstairs. From the way she’d been looking at Seb that night of the gala – and pretty much everything I’d heard about her with regards to him– feelings were not the thought foremost in her mind. And if he was now accompanying her on social engagements, I guess that arrangement worked for him too. But even without a wealthy heiress in the way, I knew that wasn’t an arrangement that would work for me. I was all or nothing. I gave my all and I wanted ‘all’ back. Maybe it was selfish to ask that much, but I wasn’t prepared to be with anyone now who wasn’t prepared to give that to me. So I focused on my work, keeping myself busy with my other clients and doing everything I needed to with the charity. But thoughts of Seb still stubbornly pushed themselves into my brain. It was time to stick to my original year plan. It was time to say no. Again.

  Dealing with Seb as a client no longer brought me joy. It brought me pain and heartache and a sense of feeling idiotic that I’d let my silly little crush turn into something far deeper. The one thing I’d resolutely told myself I definitely wouldn’t do. Luckily his latest email had given me the opportunity to resolve things once and for all.

  Dear Lottie,

  Got an important meeting with a new sponsor next Monday. I know it’s short notice, but it’d be great if you could come. I’d really appreciate your input. I realise this is a bit beyond what virtual assistants get involved with, but I’d be appreciative.

  Let me know.

  Thanks

  Once again it was signed with his digital signature. Nothing more personal. I had a sense of déjà vu and kicked myself. Was I really going to keep going round in circles with this bloke? No, was the simple answer to that.

  Dear Seb,

  Thanks for your email. I was just about to contact you.

  Unfortunately, I won’t be able to attend this meeting. My current workload is such that taking extra time out like this just isn’t possible and, as you say, this is really beyond the scope of my duties as a virtual PA.

  This leads me on to the point that I was going to discuss with you. As the charity has grown, and now with the extra attention brought about by the gala, it would seem that this is the perfect time to be considering a dedicated PA. I have done everything I can really but am unable to keep allotting the extra time it needs and do not want to risk giving my other clients less than 100 per cent of my a
ttention.

  In the circumstances, I am having to cull my client list and am now writing to give you three months’ notice, as per our contract. This should give you ample time to source potential applicants and interview them.

  Until then, I will continue with my work for you, but this will be restricted to a virtual basis, as was the original agreement.

  I wish you all the best with the meeting on Monday and know that you will be able to handle things brilliantly.

  Kind regards

  My own digital signature ended the message and I pressed send before I could second guess anything.

  Ten minutes later, my phone rang. I ignored it and thankfully it fell into silence. After three more missed calls, all from Seb, I switched both my computer and phone off and took Humphrey out for a walk. It hadn’t been the ideal way to end a working week, but I knew it was the right thing to do.

  ‘We both know that, don’t we?’ I asked the dog as we meandered along. He looked round at me, tipped his head to one side and then, deciding the conversation wasn’t actually that interesting, continued to snuffle and trot along, leaving me to my thoughts.

  * * *

  A knock on my door on Saturday evening had Humphrey scooting off my lap and running to and from the door, just in case I hadn’t noticed this interruption to my quiet night in. I ignored it for a bit. My parents and Jess both let me know when they were coming over, as did Sally, on the odd occasion she came round, which, since her transformation into ‘much more chilled’ Sally, was now more regular, and more often than not, accompanied by Oliver, who I’d really grown to like and who seemed to be very supportive of my sister. As I hadn’t ordered anything either, there was no reason for anyone to be knocking at my door. Generally when that happened, it soon stopped and I heard the noise move further down the hall and greetings exchanged. The numbers had fallen off several of the doors ages ago and despite repeated requests, the maintenance company still hadn’t got around to putting them back on.

  This time, however, the knocking continued. I shooshed Humphrey, scooping him up on my way through the hallway and moved the peephole cover aside.

  Crap. I dropped it back into place and stood back. Now what?

  I unlocked the door and pulled it open.

  36

  ‘Hi.’

  ‘Hello,’ I said, forcing a cool, collected note into my voice. I wasn’t sure if it worked, but I was sure as hell going to try.

  ‘Am I interrupting anything?’ Seb asked.

  Bearing in mind I was in my pyjamas, that was pretty unlikely. ‘Not a lot. You’re a bit out of your way.’ I concentrated on keeping my tone casual.

  ‘I came to see you.’

  ‘Oh.’

  Seb shifted his weight. ‘I wasn’t really sure if that would be OK. I didn’t want you to feel I was stalking you or something.’

  I rolled my eyes. ‘That’s a bit dramatic.’

  He shrugged. ‘You never know how people are going to react sometimes. Anyway. Just so you know, I spoke to Jess and she told me to “get my well-toned arse over to see you asap”, I believe were her words.’

  ‘That does sound like something Jess would say.’ I was slightly miffed that she hadn’t prewarned me, but then there was every chance I would have taken that opportunity to suddenly find a need to vacate my flat for a while. We’d known each other so long, she would have sussed that within seconds. Also, I’d sent her a quick message yesterday saying that I needed a bit of an unplug over the weekend so not to worry if I didn’t reply to any messages, so even if she had tried, I wouldn’t have seen it anyway. Obviously, the upshot of all that was that I now had a six foot three hunk of gorgeousness standing in my doorway, something for which I had been completely unprepared. Argh! Did he have to be so bloody good looking and smell so damn good! I was doing my best here and the universe was so really not helping. ‘I’m sorry about the meeting. I just can’t lose that time, I’m afraid.’

  ‘Lottie, I’m not here about the meeting. Right now, I couldn’t care less about that damn meeting. I’m here about you. I care about you.’

  ‘Oh. Right. Well, I’m fine. As you can see.’

  He gave me a patient look which I ignored.

  I leant out, giving the corridor a cursory look. ‘No date with Lady Carstairs tonight then?’

  He frowned. ‘No. Of course not.’

  I rolled my eyes.

  ‘What was that for?’

  A family walked past behind him and the two children gave us both curious stares. I didn’t really know my neighbours. I’d always wanted to live somewhere that had a warm, neighbourly feel to it. This flat wasn’t it, but lately I was realising there were a few things I wanted that may not ever come true. One of them was now standing in front of me, which was a little inconvenient as I was in the throes of doing my best to get over him.

  Seb glanced at the family in his peripheral vision. ‘May I come in? Or if you don’t want me in your home, perhaps we could go somewhere a little more private than this hallway.’

  I stood back and indicated for him to come in, which he did.

  Closing the door behind him and turning back to me, he repeated the question.

  ‘Please don’t treat me like I’m an idiot, Seb.’

  ‘I’m not.’

  ‘Jess saw the photo of you together at some fancy do.’ I shrugged, trying to put as much disinterest into it as possible. Not the easiest when it feels like your shoulders have suddenly become welded to your ears with tension.

  ‘I met her at the function in order to be introduced to some more possible supporters of the charity.’

  ‘Right.’

  He shifted his weight, tension radiating from him. ‘It’s true, Lottie. I don’t know why you’d think otherwise?’

  ‘Oh, for god’s sake. Seb, I’m not stupid! It was hardly a secret that she’d set her sights on you and people like that get what they want.’

  ‘Well, she didn’t get me!’

  ‘Really?’ I said, unconvinced.

  ‘Yes. Really,’ he snapped. ‘Where the hell has all this come from?’

  ‘Seriously?’ I threw my hands up. ‘Maybe it’s come from the fact that one minute at the gala you couldn’t get enough of me and the next moment, your ex walks up and suddenly it’s like I barely exist! And, to top it all, Lady Bloody Carstairs comes up and starts wrapping herself around you and you just stand there, lapping it up!’

  ‘I was not lapping it up!’

  Maybe he had a point. In truth, he’d just stood there, looking like his mind was somewhere else entirely. But my point was that he hadn’t made any effort to disentangle himself from her.

  I said nothing, even though all the words were bubbling and racing in my head. Just tell him to leave, Lottie. You’ve made your decision. Stick to it this time.

  For a moment, we just stood there, staring at each other, each trying to decide the next move.

  ‘Would you like a drink?’ Good manners elbowed their way to the fore.

  Inner me slapped a hand to her forehead.

  ‘I don’t want to put you out.’

  God, I hated this formality. Why did things have to get complicated? Because you opened your heart to him, Lottie, that’s why, I snapped back at myself.

  ‘You’re not. I’m making tea. Have one or don’t. It’s all the same to me.’ I tried to sound nonchalant, but even I knew I hadn’t pulled that one off.

  ‘Lottie, you deserve an explanation.’

  I walked towards the kitchen, leaving him to follow if he wanted, which apparently he did.

  ‘I don’t know what you mean.’ I glanced at him and, by the look on his face, he was fully expecting my nose to grow. Just as I was.

  ‘I’m pretty sure you do. Like I said before, you’re a terrible liar.’

  ‘And yet you seem to be a pretty damn good one,’ I said, throwing a teabag into the pot with such force, I was surprised it didn’t bounce straight back out again.

  ‘I never lie
d to you.’

  ‘And there you go again!’ I snapped, splashing hot water into the pot.

  ‘Maybe you should do that when you’re a little less angry.’ Seb’s brow rippled with concern. ‘You’re going to burn yourself if you’re not careful.’

  I slammed the kettle down. ‘You do not get to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do.’

  ‘I wasn’t trying to. It was just a suggestion to try and keep you safe.’

  ‘Well, I don’t need any of your suggestions either. I’m quite capable of looking after myself, thanks very much.’

  He dragged a hand across his face. ‘I didn’t mean to imply you weren’t. I just don’t want to see you hurt.’

  ‘It’s a bit bloody late for that then, isn’t it, Seb? Maybe you should have thought about that before you decided to pretend I actually meant something to you.’

  He threw his hands up. ‘You do mean something to me!’

  I held up a hand. ‘Don’t. I’m not into the few dates, quick shag and see you later kind of relationship, Seb, and you knew that. It might be old-fashioned, but that’s me. I spent years in a relationship that went nowhere and, for all I know, I might have wasted my best chance at having a family. But I knew you were a threat because I liked you. I mean, really liked you and then, for a few stupid hours, you made me believe that you felt the same. But, of course, you didn’t. You never let women in, properly. You play with them, and that might work for some, but it doesn’t for me, and if you’d known me at all, you’d have known that. So, doing what you did is something I’d have not thought you capable of before. I guess I was mistaken.’

  ‘I don’t play with anyone!’ he replied, his voice calm but anger flashing in his eyes, ‘And I resent that accusation. I’ve never used anyone, and I never would.’