Outcome

by Kim Pritekel

I looked down for a moment, a selfish thought entering my mind. If she was willing to admit to her folks about us, which meant about herself, that meant that when she got back to California, she’d be willing to try other women. I had no say, but it still was a daunting thought.

  Shaking it away to examine later, I looked at her, a smile on my face, though it was forced.

  "I’m very proud of you, Haley. That took guts." I rubbed her hand with both of mine. "And whoever you bestow this gift upon is one lucky woman."

  She looked at me, confused.

  "Andi, what are you talking about? You’re that woman. I thought I had made that clear."

  "What? Haley, we’ll be living in separate states."

  "So? People have long-distant relationships all the time." She looked at me with such childish innocence and trust.

  "I can’t do that to you, Haley. I can’t be so selfish as to limit your new experiences. You deserve to be able to spread your wings and try out flight."

  "Hey, shouldn’t that be my choice?" I looked down, nodding. "Come with me, Andi," she whispered.

  "Haley, please,"

  "No, no, I’m not asking for you to move. Come with me to Holden’s wedding in September." I looked up at her, surprised. "Please? I really want you there."

  I smiled, nodding. "Of course, Haley. I’d love to go." She grinned.

  "He wants to meet you again now."

  "Oh, jeez." She laughed, taking me into her arms.

  "It’ll all work out, Andi. Besides, I do have to come back in July for Linda’s concert."

  "Yeah. That’ll be fun. So, Holden is going to take over taking care of your dad, right?" Haley nodded.

  "Yep. He’ll take over for the next year."

  * * *

  We laid in bed, having had dinner with Holden and his fiancé. It had been fun. Holden had turned into quite the looker, just like his sister.

  I was laying on my side, Haley laying on her back, the covers ending at her waist. My heart was still racing after the make-out session we’d just had. Damn, that woman could kiss. She was still looking at me with those half-lidded eyes, so damned sexy.

  My eyes trailed down her body until they landed on her breasts. I could tell she was still turned on, the small peaks stretching her shirt even tighter across her breasts. Getting an evil idea, I reached my hand up under the shirt, resting it on the warm skin of her stomach. Haley watched me, her eyes going from my hand up to my eyes, and back.

  "I love these things, you know," I said quietly, my hand snaking its way up, feeling just the rounded underside of her breast.

  "Oh, yeah?" I nodded.

  "Oh, yeah." My fingertips ran all along the curves, the skin sinfully soft and smooth.

  "Be careful," she said, her voice more than a little breathy. "Those are pretty sensitive."

  "And this is a problem because..." I looked at her, daring her to do something as my fingers began to trail circles around the breast, moving in a little closer to the bull’s-eye with each pass.

  "Well, I just don’t know. I guess you’ll have to wait and see."

  "I’m a gambling girl. Sure, why not." My fingers passed just over the tightened skin, making Haley suck in a breath, her hips immediately shooting off the bed. "Ohhh, I like that." I made another pass, suddenly finding myself on my back, and Haley straddling me. Her mouth was fierce, taking what it wanted, her hands pinning me to the mattress. I could barely breath, but I didn’t care. My body began to buck up into hers, when with a groan from me, she pulled away, removing herself from me, but laying beside me, holding herself up on her elbow.

  She was grinning down at me, who was completely breathless.

  "I warned you." She grinned.

  "Whoa. No shit." She looked at my body, my tank halfway pulled up my stomach. She brought a hand to me, running her nails across my skin, sending chills up my spine, yet again. The nails made their way up under my shirt, right up between my breasts, and out the neckline of the shirt, up my throat and to my chin, fingertips resting against my lips. I kissed it, then it snaked its way back down, stopping at my breasts.

  I knew that Haley had no experience with these, except for mine so many years ago. I lay still, letting her explore.

  "Breasts are truly amazing," she mused, running her fingers all around mine, doing what I had done to her, slow circles under my shirt, getting closer to my nipple with every circle. "Calming and comforting from a mother, and sexy as hell from a lover."

  "You have no idea," I breathed, my eyes closing as her fingers took the nipple between them, gently squeezing, tugging. My breathing was shallow at best, my body moving to the rhythm she was setting.

  "It seems as though you’re pretty sensitive, too." She chuckled, I nodded.

  "Yup. And just a warning, but if you don’t stop soon, you’ll get more than you bargained for."

  Again that evil chuckle. Haley took her hands away from me, and kissed me, soft, calming.

  "Let’s go to sleep," she whispered against my lips. I nodded, getting myself under control.

  I could tell we were both in a lot of pain that night.

  * * *

  They say time marches on, waiting for no man nor beast. And certainly for no broken heart.

  I sat on a box of blankets, supposed to be taping it up and labeling it, but I couldn’t bring myself to even breathe, yet alone do this simple task. I held Fred, Haley’s original Koosh, in my hands, the colorful rubber spines tickling my fingers as I turned it over and over.

  Finally, knowing time was short, I stood, turning to the box, and did what I was asked. I could hear Haley upstairs, pulling clothes from the closet, and putting them into boxes or garment bags. I looked around the living room, the TV and all other electronics already packed away. The empty entertainment system stared at me, almost mocking me with the holes, once filled with VCRs and DVD players, and her stereo.

  I picked up the box that I had just filled, taped and labeled, and headed outside.

  It was the second week of May, and it was a beautiful day. Yet anther thing to mock me.

  I set the box on the back bumper of my Jeep, and slid it in next to the others. The plan was to head to Winston so Haley could stop on the way and say goodbye to Kendall, and then to my mother. We’d stop at a post office somewhere along the way to ship this stuff to California.

  Leaning against the back bumper, I felt my chest tighten, my eyes close from the pain. I felt so lost already, my heart broken, what felt like, beyond repair. Then I felt the familiar stinging behind my eyes. I had done so much of this lately.

  Taking several deep breaths, I tried to get myself under control. I didn’t want to fall apart in front of Haley.

  I headed back into the house, seeing Haley gathering stuff from the dining room table, putting it in boxes. She looked at me. I could see how red her eyes were. From fresh tears. I smiled at her, she smiled back, then turned back to what she was doing. I turned my attention to the few things that hung on the walls. I’d always wondered why this place looked as though she hadn’t fully moved in.

  I smiled ruefully. Now I knew.

  She had more boxes stacked, ready to be labeled and loaded. Without words between us, we made a quick, efficient team. Times like this I wished I were an incompetent dolt.

  Dutifully I carried box after box out until the Jeep was completely loaded, even with one of the back seats folded down. I had to make enough room for Kendall to be able to sit, but other than that, we were full.

  I headed back into the house, looked around.

  "Is that it?"

  "Yeah." Haley stacked a few boxes next to the door. "All that’s left is my bed, and what’s going to my parent’s house."

  "Okay, that’s good. We’re full."

  Haley sighed, tired, just like me. She looked at me, her hands in the back pockets of her shorts, hair bound up on top of her head.

  "Are you ready?" I nodded, leading the way out to my car. I felt like I was leading a funeral march, burying that
part of me that had effectively been killed. You don’t know how often I thought about the fact that we could be packing my stuff right now, too, and this could be a happy time; a time of new beginnings.

  But, I’d made my bed, and it was time to lie in it. I just hoped none of the nails would leave scars.

  We piled in, the slamming of the doors reminding me of that of a prison cell door. Yeah, I knew I was being pretty dramatic, but that’s how I felt; everything was exaggerated right now. Every sense, every feeling, every pain.

  The drive toward Winston was very quiet, subdued. I wanted to believe that it was equally hard for Haley. She leaned against the passenger door, watching the scenery fly by, her hand resting on my leg. In the last few weeks, it was rare when we were together for her not to be touching me in some way. I had reveled in it, needing the support and connection as much as she did, yet I had began to pull away, too. I had started to notice it one night about two weeks ago.

  Earlier I had not really allowed myself to think about Haley’s leaving. After the initial pain and shock of hearing it, I had successfully pushed it out of my mind. I was good at that. But soon there was just no way of doing that, anymore. It was real, it would happen, and it was coming.

  So, what better way than to just start steeling myself for it now.

  "Andi?" I glanced at Haley, shaking myself out of my melancholy thoughts. Might as well save some for later.

  "Yeah?"

  "Thank you," she said, her voice quiet and gentle.

  "For what?" She smiled, shrugging.

  "Just for being you. For helping me. For not hating me."

  "I don’t hate you, Haley. Quite the opposite, really. I hurt, as I’m sure you are, but I do understand. Were I in your situation, I imagine I’d be doing the same thing."

  "Really?"

  I nodded. "Yes. We both have responsibilities, and though I think our priorities could use some serious work, we do have separate lives."

  Haley said nothing, but did squeeze my thigh, running her fingers over the skin there.

  Soon we reached the Torrini’s place. Kendall knew we were coming, but didn’t know why. I had already talked with Michelle and Vince, asking for permission to take Kendall with me to California over the summer.

  The front door opened as we made our way up the path. Michelle appeared in the door, a smile on her face. She reached for Haley, hugging her, and patting her on the back.

  "Good luck, Haley."

  "Thank you. And thanks for letting Kendall come visit." Michelle squeezed Haley’s hand and smiled.

  "Andi! Haley!" Small but loud feet came tearing down the staircase, and then one excited little girl appeared.

  "Hey, you!" I knelt down, taking her into my arms, and gave her a monster hug. Then the girl turned to Haley, who hugged her tight, blue eyes closed. I figured this would be painful for Haley, as well.

  Vince shook Haley’s hand, then we were off. We managed to fit my daughter, who questioned the reason for all the boxes, into the back, and headed for her favorite place to eat.

  I sat across from Haley and Kendall, wanting to give Haley as much opportunity to be with her as possible. I truly believe that she loved Kendall as if she were her own daughter. That was enough to make me love Haley that much more.

  They chatted a little about school, and what Kendall planned to do over the summer, and if she was excited for school to end. We ate in peace until finally, all of us finished, Haley turned to the girl.

  "Kendall, um, honey, I need to tell you something."

  "Okay," Kendall said, happily sucking her thick, chocolate milkshake down.

  "I’m moving." The girl looked at her.

  "What?"

  "I’m going back to California, honey. That’s where I came from, where I lived before I came here last summer."

  "You’re leaving?" I could see Kendall was deeply upset by this, her green eyes beginning to fill, her brows knitting together so much like my own when I was upset. "But why? Don’t you want to be Andi’s friend, anymore?"

  "Oh, sweetie. I’ll always be Andi’s friend, and yours, too." Tears began to stream down Kendall’s face. She turned to look at me, and I smiled at her, then she turned back to Haley.

  "I don’t want you to go, Haley. I don’t want you to leave me."

  That was all I could take. I stood, and quickly headed for the bathroom. I always knew that even though me and Torrinis tried to do the absolute best for Kendall, there was still going to be some damage there, and I had always wondered about her feelings of abandonment. God, when was I going to stop hurting my daughter?

  I leaned against the sink, my head hung as I held my breath, trying to get my emotions under control. There was no way in hell I was going to let Kendall see me upset. She was already in enough pain, and confused, as it was.

  Kendall was quiet as we drove back to the Torrini’s. Every once in a while I could hear her quietly sniffling. I would glanced at her every once in a while in the rearview mirror, sometimes she’d meet my gaze, but often, she was leaning on her hand, staring out the window as night began to fall.

  We reached her house, and she quietly got out of the car, walking around to my side. I got out, and knelt down, holding her to me tightly, my hand on the back of her head, caressing her hair, and then kissed her cheek.

  "I’ll talk to you later, kiddo. Okay?" She nodded at me, then turned to Haley who had also gotten out, and stood nearby. I got back into the car, giving them some time. I could see Haley’s mouth moving, Kendall nodding once in a while, a tear sliding down her cheek. Haley wiped it away, then hugged her.

  Finally I had to look away. I heard Haley get in the Jeep, but didn’t look at her.

  "Post office it is," she said, her voice quiet, shaky. I looked at her. She had a hand over her mouth as she stared out into the early dusk.

  "Are you okay?" I asked. She nodded, taking a deep breath, and removing her hand.

  "God, that was hard. I had no idea just how much that little girl had gotten inside, you know?" She turned to me. I nodded.

  "Indeed, I do."

  Haley shelled out a couple hundred dollars to have all of her stuff shipped back home to meet her when she flew out in three days.

  Tuesday. That was the day. It was Saturday night, and I felt like I was being held in a vice, not able to move or act, or react.

  We headed to my mom’s. I had taken Haley home off and on over the past few months, and my mom had been delighted to see her every single time. I think of anyone in the world, she would have loved to see Haley stick around. I hear you , mom.

  "Mom?" I called as I let us in the house.

  "In the kitchen, hon," she called out. We made out way in there to see that she was cutting up some chicken for dinner. She quickly washed her hands, and turned to us. She smiled, but it was sad. She made eye contact with me, silently asking if I was okay. I nodded, leaning against the wall with my arms crossed over my chest, watching.

  "So this is it, huh?" my mom asked Haley, who nodded.

  "Yeah."

  "When does your flight leave?"

  "Tuesday at three."

  "Do you need a ride to the airport, honey?" My mom tossed the dishtowel she’d been drying her hands with, aside, and walked over to Haley.

  "No. I’ve been using my dad’s old car this last year, and so I’ll drive myself, leaving it at the airport. My brother will pick it up later." My mom nodded.

  "You tell your mom and dad if they need anything, if your mom needs a break, or whatever, she better give me a call."

  Haley smiled, nodding. She walked over to my mom, taking her in a large hug, laying her head on my mom’s shoulder.

  "Thanks," she said, her voice quiet. My mom leaned in and whispered something in Haley’s ear. Haley nodded, and smiled at my mom.

  "You take care, honey. I’m going to miss you, and I know that one will, too." She nodded toward me.

  "I’ll miss you, too, and I will definitely miss that one." Haley looked at me, h
er eyes filling.

  The drive home was a quiet one, again. I don’t think either of us had much to say. Haley cried off and on, her tears silent, but there. I left my hand on her leg as much as possible, trying to give her any sort of comfort I could. Why are you doing this, Haley? Why? I wanted to scream this over and over again, but I knew the answer, and figured there was no reason to torment her soul any more than it already was.

  I pulled up into her driveway, and left the car running. I turned to her. She was already looking at me.

  "Um, I think I’m going to go home tonight. I need to be alone." She looked at me, stunned.

  "Oh, okay. Um, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, then?" The hope in her voice nearly killed me. I nodded.

  "Yeah."

  "See you then." She brushed her fingers across my face, looking at me, as though she were trying to soak it all in, burn my image onto her brain. She leaned in, gently kissing me, then let herself out of the Jeep.

  I cried on the entire trip home, then cried myself to sleep.

  * * *

  In some ways time seemed to drag on, and in all the wrong ways, it flew by. It was Sunday, and I had promised Haley that I would help her clean the townhouse before she left.

  Dressing in a grungy pair of sweat shorts, and tank, I pulled a baseball hat on my head, grabbed some old rags from the garage, and headed over, for what I knew would be the last time.

  I waited on the front porch, my first knock unanswered. Finally I heard footsteps inside, and the door was pulled open. Haley met me, her eyes red and swollen, a glass of juice in her hand.

  "Hey," she said, her voice rough from too much crying. I could relate.

  "Hi. The cleaning crew is here." I gave her a weak grin. She stepped back, allowing me to enter. I could smell the cleaning products as soon as I entered, seeing that the place was spotless. "I thought you wanted help?"

  Haley shrugged, walking over toward the kitchen, setting her glass down on the counter.

  "I had to have something to keep me busy last night."

  "I’m sorry I couldn’t help." I watched her for a moment, her back still to me. With a sigh, I walked up behind her, wrapping my arms around her waist, feeling her fall gently back into me. I closed my eyes, my chin resting on her shoulder.