Erik's Absolution

by Kristine Allen

  Daily, I made myself not go to her. It was for the best that I left her alone. Yeah, I was a twisted fuck and I had tracked down her new residence, which I would still randomly drive by like a creeper. Since the night I left her an anonymous Christmas gift on her front step, I drove by at least once a week. No matter how many times I thought about her, dreamt of her, needed her, I knew she didn’t need me and my shit, and I tried to convince myself I didn’t need her.

  Trusting in women, a woman, had been my downfall once, and I wasn’t going to let it happen again. No matter how much I wanted to with her. Besides, I obviously wasn’t that great of a boyfriend if someone would rather…. My heart constricted, and I couldn’t even finish the thought.

  Pain shot through my body like a lightning bolt through my chest to the bed below. Clenching my phone in my hand, for the hundredth time I wondered if maybe things could be different with her.

  No.

  I couldn’t let myself contemplate those thoughts. Things were better this way. Me, my brothers, my bike, and my computers. Loyalty from my brothers, predictability and control over my bike, and everything electronic… that worked for me. Fuck women, fuck trust, fuck it all.

  Besides, we barely knew each other. Like a lovesick, twisted, lost soul, I had watched her dance for months. We had fucked twice. She had texted me several times, and I forced myself to ignore them. Then she up and quit without saying a damn word, went radio silent, and the one time I caved and stopped by her apartment after she quit, someone else answered the door and had no idea who she and her brother were. She obviously didn’t want anything to do with me, and it hurt even though it shouldn’t. Still, I tried to respect her wishes, and my conscience, and leave her alone.

  Never had a girl had me this twisted up inside. Not even Layla… and I had thought our love was the end all, be all.

  But she was here today. Looking so beautiful and pure in her short wool jacket and cute beanie pulled low to her eyebrows, over that long, dark hair, and her cheeks flushed bright pink from the cold, but even devoid of makeup she was gorgeous. Don’t you want to know why? Maybe she was in trouble and needed your help. Maybe she came to tell you she loves you and can’t live without you, and you just broke her heart because you’re trying so hard to guard you own? Maybe she’s the one you need to take a chance on?

  Fuck! Where the hell do these thoughts even come from?

  My mind was a clusterfuck of thoughts, with my conscience battling with my inner demons every damn day.

  Despite my words to myself, my mind went where it hadn’t gone in so very long. A place I desperately tried not to think about. My fucking chest hurt even more at the agonizing thoughts that crept into my head. But it wouldn’t leave my brain once it settled and began to fester.

  Reaching into my nightstand drawer, I pulled out a tattered and faded piece of paper and a half empty bottle of Crown and twisted off the lid. Tracing the blurry shape with my finger, I lifted the bottle to my lips with my free hand, and wondered, as I always did.

  The screen on my phone lit up next to me. Glancing at it, I saw it was a text from my mom. She had been calling and texting me nonstop for the last two weeks. Rarely, did I go this long without seeing my family. Telling myself I would call her later, I made the decision to go see my parents tomorrow. Maybe it was time I came clean with them about why I left years ago and joined the Marines.

  Until then, I drank to quiet the thoughts that were swimming in my head, consuming everything happy and good in their pathway. I didn’t deserve happy and good.

  The worn and ragged paper slipped from my fingers to the bed as I finished the bottle and closed my eyes.

  “Drowning (Face Down)—Saving Abel

  TRUDGING INTO WORK THE next night, I pasted a smile on my face and walked up to the nurses’ station. Report was about to start, and I was almost late for the first time ever. Hunter looked at me with a raised brow, and I held a hand up. “I don’t want to hear it. I’m here… two minutes to spare, but I’m here.”

  “Yeah, I see that, but are you okay? You’re looking a little… uhhh, rough.” Rolling my eyes, because that’s just what a girl wanted to hear from the hottest male nurse in the ED, I gave him a droll look. Thankfully, he wasn’t a jerk, he really was concerned, but it still did nothing for my ego. We walked together to the conference room for report.

  “Shut it. It was a crappy couple days off. You have no idea.” Blowing the hair that escaped my braid out of my face, I plopped my tired ass in a chair right as the dayshift charge nurse came in to give report.

  “If you need to talk, we could stop at the Coffee Bean in the morning after shift change. I’m told I have a good listening ear,” he whispered as Betty started report. Not wanting to get chewed out for talking during report, I nodded my head. Hunter was not only hot, he was a real sweetheart. We had become good friends since I had started, and he had been my preceptor. Nothing past that had happened, and I appreciated him not hitting on me like Marcus did every time I worked with him.

  It was crazy busy as usual, and we were nonstop all night. By the time 7:00 a.m. rolled around, my feet were killing me. If I looked rough at the start of the shift, I knew I looked like complete shit at the end. But that didn’t mean I didn’t enjoy my work. I still freaking loved working in the ED, and my internship started in five days.

  My hope was to get my Trauma Nurse Certification as soon as I could complete the Trauma Nurse Core Course. We were only a Level IV Trauma Center, which meant we were at the Community Level; we provide advanced trauma life support but transfer for higher levels of care. In simple speak, we assess them, provide necessary diagnostic needs, stabilize them, then shipped them out via life flights or ambulances, depending on their acuity. Someday, I would love to work in a Level I Trauma Center, but for now, I was perfectly happy where I was.

  “You still on for coffee, Kass?” Hunter paired up with me as he came out of a patient’s room after handing them off to the oncoming nurse.

  “You know what? Yeah. I’m not in the mood to go home yet. I can’t stay too long, since I have buttloads of laundry waiting for me, and I have to drink cocoa or I won’t sleep.” He laughed as he bumped his shoulder to mine.

  “Sounds good. I just need to grab my bag from my locker. Meet you there?” I nodded as he veered off toward the break room where our locker rooms were. Pulling on my gloves and my beanie, I dreaded stepping out the ED doors to get to my car. Damn, I needed to move somewhere warmer. It was times like this I wish I had opted for the remote start on my car so it would be warm quicker.

  Diving through the door of my freezing-cold car, I tossed my bag to the passenger seat and started her up, cranking the heat up to high. It took a few minutes, but soon I saw Hunter walk over to his truck and do the same, except his truck was running and probably all nice and toasty warm as he dove in. Damn, I was a grumpy Gus.

  We pulled out at the same time, and I followed him over a few blocks to the coffee shop. We parked next to each other and walked up to the door. Before I could reach it, he pulled it open and ushered me through. When his hand rested on my lower back briefly as I passed in front of him, it didn’t give me chills like when Erik had done it, but it was comforting and felt nice to have a man perform such a cursory, but chivalrous action. He didn’t leave his hand there long, and I found myself missing the light pressure almost immediately.

  The smell of coffee was rich and divine as I approached the counter. If I wasn’t working again tonight, I totally would have gotten a caramel mocha latte. Unfortunately, duty called, so hot chocolate it was. Placing my order, I caved and ordered a chocolate scone to go with it. When I pulled my wallet out of my jacket pocket to pay, he held his hand gently over mine and told the barista he was paying.

  “What? No! You don’t have to pay for my stuff.” I was huffing at him, but he just laughed.

  “Kass, I know I don’t have to, but I want to, and I invited you. It’s my treat.” Why that embarrassed me, I wasn’t sure, but
my face felt like it was flaming. Partly because I hadn’t been on a real date in a long time, but partly because he was so dang sweet and cute, and he was buying me stuff. It made me feel like I was in middle school again.

  Not that I assumed this was a date!

  “Well, it just doesn’t seem right.” My face burned hotter. Ugh!

  He smiled as he shook his head. After he paid for our items, we grabbed a corner table and waited for the barista to call our names. It was plenty warm in there, so I shrugged my coat off, hanging it over the back of my chair.

  “So… what’s going on with you that has you so wound up?” He pushed his Henley sleeves up and rested his chin on his knuckles as he waited for me to answer with his cute raised eyebrows. Hmm, in all the weeks I had worked with him, I never noticed he had tattoos on his arms. Hot. Not as hot as Erik, but… oh my God! Why did he have to invade every thought I had?

  “Hunter, I don’t really want to talk about it. It’s embarrassing, and it sucks. I’m such a freaking idiot.” My head fell to my hands, and I heard the barista called our names.

  “Hold that thought, I’ll get our drinks.” He stood up, and I looked up at the ceiling, willing myself not to start crying. Shit, I was so damn emotional lately. My eyes were blinking rapidly to hold back the tears that threatened, and of course he caught me as he sat down.

  “Hey… it can’t be that bad. Maybe I can help.” His large hand rested on my forearm on top of the table. When he didn’t remove it right away, I fought my tears again and bit my lip.

  “No, trust me, there isn’t anything you can do to help. This is all on me.” Picking at my scone and avoiding eye contact, I debated what I should tell him.

  “Well, a lot of times we feel alone when we don’t need to. Kassi, you know I’m here for you. I really care about you, and I want to help, but I can’t if you won’t let me in.” This guy. Damn, why couldn’t I have fallen for him? How long did it take to get over someone who was no good for you and who totally shit on you?

  Steeling myself for his censure, I debated how to word it and what all I should tell him. Just biting the bullet and telling him the truth seemed the best option, but do you have any idea how hard that is?

  “I’m afraid I’m going to lose my job.” His brows rose in surprise and my head dropped in shame. “I’m pregnant,” I whispered. Here’s where he tells me that wasn’t what he was expecting and he wishes me the best of luck and hightails it for the door. Aaaaand cue uncomfortable response…

  “Wow. Okay, that ummm… well… wasn’t even close to what I was thinking.” Am I good or what? Now cue placating B.S.…

  “Kass, I don’t know the whole story, but I’m sorry because you don’t seem overly thrilled. And I guess, I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you.” Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner. “What can I do to help? Shit, I didn’t know you were seeing anyone. Whoa. So, what does the baby’s father have to say about it? I’m guessing that must be part of the problem. Isn’t he being supportive? What can I do to help?” Wait. What? My face sat frozen while my mouth hung open.

  “Can I get you an award for being, like, the most unexpected guy in the world? Dang. Okay, hang on… you just really shocked me.” Fidgeting with the wrap around my cup, I absently lifted the cup to my lips and promptly burnt the shit out of my tongue. Seriously?

  “Oh my dawd, that wath hot!” I wanted to go stick my tongue in a snow bank. Maybe my whole head. His laughter as he went to the counter didn’t help much. He came back with a cup of ice, which I stuck my tongue in without thinking. When I realized he was still laughing, I looked up at him. As I did, the cup lowered and there I sat with two ice cubes momentarily stuck to my tongue until they dropped back in the cup with a plunk.

  “Well, that was attractive. Wow. Do it again?” He laughed and brushed a loose strand of hair from my face. When his fingertips grazed my cheek, we both went silent. Palm against my jaw and fingertips curled around my neck, he stared into my eyes.

  “Kassi…”

  Oh boy.

  “What about the baby’s father?” His words were uttered softly as he continued to look at me in expectation. He really was an especially good-looking guy. And he had been such a good friend. It was okay to appreciate that, right?

  “He’s not in the picture. By his choice.” My sneer slipped out as I shook my head in self-disgust for thinking Erik would change his feelings about relationships or at least have a heart where his own baby was concerned. No matter how much sarcasm, anger, and hate I tried to drum up and hold onto, my heart still stuttered at the thought of him. He had hurt me so badly, though, leaving me bitter and scarred. My chest literally ached thinking about how he had so heartlessly dismissed us.

  “Let me be here for you. In any way you need me.” Ummm, was he saying what I thought he was saying? Oh hell.

  “Hunter, it’s not your responsibility. You’ve only known me a for a month. Trust me, you don’t want to burden yourself with me and my problems. No matter how good a friend you are, I can’t do that to you.” Placing my hand over his and curling my fingers over his to pull his hand free, I held his hand between mine on the table. It was difficult to meet his eyes. What he said next got my attention with a quickness.

  “What if I want you regardless? What if I want to be more than friends with you?” His soft-spoken words were full of intense emotion.

  “Oh! I… I don’t know if that’s a good idea. We work together, Hunter. Don’t they frown on that? The last thing I want is for you to get in trouble at work because of me. If I’m honest with myself, I also have to think of myself and the baby. I can’t jeopardize my internship. Well, that is if they don’t fire me for being pregnant when they hired me, even though I didn’t know it at the time. God, this is such a mess!” My head dropped in defeat.

  “There aren’t any fraternization policies between nurses at the hospital. There have been several relationships that have started there. Come on, Kass, just give us a chance. That’s all I’m asking.” It was so tempting. He was so tempting. Raising Matt, school, and work had taken up all of my time and emotions, but now that I had graduated and Matt was doing really well in school, things had calmed down. Well, that was to say, they had until I found out I was pregnant. It was emotionally draining, being alone. Doing everything on my own.

  Just try it. Shit, it’s not like he asked you to marry him. My inner self chastised me and rolled her eyes at my hesitancy.

  “Umm okay, so what? You want to go out?” A small smile crept on my face.

  “Yeah.” He grinned. “That’s exactly what I want. How about we get out of here so you can get some sleep before we work tonight. You’re off tomorrow night, right?” Hmmm, he was paying attention to my schedule. Maybe he really did like me. “Like me” as if we were in 5th grade. Lordy, was I getting too old for this shit….

  “Yes, I am.”

  “Good, let me pick you up at about six, and I’ll take you to dinner. Nothing fancy, just there’s this little bar and grill by the lake I’ve been wanting to try out. I think your company would make it better. What do you say?” His smiling expression couldn’t disguise the eagerness in his green eyes.

  “Okay. But I don’t want this to make things weird for us if it doesn’t work out.” Losing his friendship would devastate me. He’d really become a rock for me, and I appreciated the gift he had been in my life lately.

  “Never, Kass.”

  Hunter had told me to dress casual, so I squeezed my ass into a pair of my older “heavier” skinny jeans. You know the ones you keep for those times your weight fluctuates. Since I had quit dancing, and with the baby, I had definitely gained weight and was having a hard time fitting in a lot of my “skinny” clothes, which was a real blow to my self-esteem and the catalyst for starting a gym membership. Pregnant women could stay fit too.

  Shuffling through my clothes was depressing. It mostly consisted of scrubs, jeans, T-shirts, and hoodies. Oh! There at the back of the closet I saw a pink Henl
ey that had crystal buttons at the vee of the neck and a pretty swirling design printed down both sleeves. Casual yet kind of nice, and I hadn’t worn it in forever.

  After I slipped on a pair of black riding boots, I looked in the mirror on the back of my door. My hands smoothed the shirt down over my thicker, but still essentially flat, stomach. Images of my belly growing with Erik’s child assailed me. Visions of him talking to our child through my belly as his calloused hands framing the bulge of our baby nestled within slipped in before reality swooped in and snuffed them out.

  The doorbell rang, and I heard the muffled voices of my brother and Hunter through my bedroom door. Nervousness seeped in to the point I nearly backed out and sent a text to Hunter telling him I was sick. “You can do this, Kassandra. You have weathered worse storms than this.” Great, now I was talking to myself out loud. Did pregnancy cause dementia?

  The look on Hunter’s face when I stepped into the living room where he was waiting did wonders for my self-esteem. Warmth spread across my cheeks. His eyes had widened, and his jaw hung loose before he blinked, closed his mouth, and cleared his throat.

  “Wow. You look beautiful, Kassi. I mean, not that you don’t always look beautiful, but I’ve never seen you in anything but scrubs. I’ll shut up now. So, are you ready to go?” Matt stood behind him and slightly to the side. His messy, dark locks of hair flopped in his eyes, as he gave me a thumbs-up, causing my blush to morph from pink to flame-red in fear Hunter could see Matt in his peripheral vision. Oh, dear God, that kid.

  “Let me grab my jacket and purse.” Stepping around him, I gave Matt my best “knock your shit off” look and pulled my shorter wool peacoat out, but before I could slip it on, Hunter had taken it in his hands to hold as I pushed my arms through the sleeves.

  “Thank you.” My cheeks felt on fire, and I was sure I was cherry-red by that time.

  “My absolute pleasure, beautiful.”

  Like the gentleman he was, he opened the truck door and helped me inside before closing the door behind me. Watching him walk around the front of the truck toward the driver’s side, I noticed he had obviously skipped his shave today and had a really nice scruff going on. Instead of making him look sloppy or lazy, it was rugged and hot as hell.