Erik's Absolution

by Kristine Allen

  After climbing behind the wheel, he headed over toward the restaurants that lined the lake. My heart started racing when he took the turn toward Fillenwarth Beach. Oh shit. Did the gods really hate me so much?

  When he drove past the Nautical, I breathed a sigh of relief. Until he whipped around and stopped in front of the building next door. Knowing that particular place was under complete renovation, I knew we were going into the Nautical.

  Why? Why did it have to be the place Erik had brought me the first night? Looking to the heavens, I wondered why I was being punished. What misdeed did the powers-that-be determine I had committed?

  Hunter shut off his truck, and before I could get unbuckled, he was around to my side, opening the door for me. As I stepped down to the ground from the running board, it brought me nearly chest to chest with him. Those green eyes of his glittered in the light emanating from the bar. His breath mingled with mine, our lips nearly touching. A group of laughing guests exiting the establishment brought the moment to an abrupt end.

  We both stepped back, but when I did I hit the running boards with the back of my calves and almost lost my balance. Strong arms caught me, pulling me upright again.

  “I’ve got you.” My face felt on fire, both from my gracelessness and the way he made me feel.

  Cherished.

  Special.

  A girl could get used to treatment like this. Just let go of Erik and move on.

  Too bad that was easier said than done. Who was it that said, “the heart wants what it wants”? Emily Dickinson? Well, it should frickin’ listen to me instead, because it was making my life hell.

  Walking into the Nautical hand in hand with Hunter, I noted all the laughing faces. People having a good time with friends, watching sports on many of the televisions, shouting when their favored team did well, and smiling amongst themselves.

  The same bartender was at the bar with a cheerful grin on his face as he joked with patrons at the bar, along with another bartender talking to some customers further down the bar as he mixed up a couple of drinks for them. Many people were sporting T-shirts with their logo and “Get Nauti in Okoboji.”

  Hunter squeezed us into a table halfway through the bar, along the wall, and we both looked over the menu. After the waitress took our order, we sat companionably, taking in the energy of the room. Thankfully, it was a different waitress than the night Erik and I came here.

  What the heck? Could I not keep him out of my thoughts for a single day? Taking a deep breath, I vowed to push his memories into a little box in my mind and stash it away in the recesses of my head. Hunter was a new page in my life. He was not a rebound. He was a really great guy, one that wanted to be in my life and that of my unborn baby.

  If I kept reminding myself of his impressive qualities, maybe I could completely erase Erik from my field of vision and my heart.

  It could be done, right?

  “Through It All”—From Ashes To New

  THIS IS SUCH A bad idea, I told myself for the hundredth time. Once again, I found myself sitting in the dark in my truck across from her house. While I’d sat there trying to decide if I had the balls to go to her door, I had watched her brother leave and knew she was home alone. Was it even fair to try to convince her to give me a second chance after what I had done to her the day she’d come to see me? That had been such an incredibly douche move, and not one I was proud of.

  The last couple of weeks had been hell. She had set up residence in my mind, occupying my thoughts nonstop. So many times, I wanted to share something with someone and she was the first one to pop into my thoughts. Out of the blue, I would think I smelled her perfume, and it would hit me like a hammer to the chest. Because of all of that, I had desperately tried to stay away from her. Thinking if I quit seeing her, watching her, I could push her from my mind. So, coming to the realization that I loved her was a serious moment for me. It was a tough, bitter pill to swallow with my history, but I knew there would be no happiness for me without her.

  My eyes trailed over to the passenger seat where a big teddy bear sat with a satin heart held to his chest reading, “Be Mine.” There was a box of chocolates beside the furry beast. Corny, yeah, but it was Valentine’s Day, and I figured it was the perfect day to try to make amends. Just as I grabbed the bear and reached for the door handle, a truck pulled into her driveway.

  “Shit. Now what?”

  A guy with khaki pants and a leather jacket jumped out of the truck and headed to the door with a handful of red roses. With increasing trepidation and denial, I watched as he nervously ran his hand through his hair before taking a deep breath and knocking on the door. Fuck no. The knife slid between my ribs to my heart. What utterly broke me was seeing her open the door to him and throw her arms around him after he handed her the flowers. The twist of the knife was her smile, followed by her hands framing his face and her kissing him with such tenderness before motioning him inside.

  Moments later, they emerged from the house, hand in hand. He assisted her into the truck, closing her door after she was settled in her seat. The ache in my chest grew in magnitude until it felt like a vice around my heart. Because seeing all of that wasn’t enough abuse, I sat and watched as they drove away together.

  My pain slowly morphed to anger. Anger at myself for pushing her away. Anger at myself for waiting so long to go after her. Anger at her for not waiting for me. The last, I knew wasn’t fair, but at the time it seemed completely logical. In my frustration, I beat on my defenseless steering wheel. That should have been me with her.

  So, there it was. She was lost to me before I even had her. Joker was right; for someone so smart, I was a dumbass.

  Starting my truck and pulling away from the curb with a squealing of tires, I told myself I was fine; I would deal with this and move on. This shouldn’t surprise me. She and I both knew we wouldn’t work out. I shouldn’t be mad at her for moving on. I should be relieved. Anger continued to brew, simmer, and boil inside me. It began to consume me bit by bit, like the tide morphing a carefully constructed sandcastle into nothing.

  Returning to the clubhouse, I saw Steph talking to Reaper in the parking lot. Parking my truck next to his, I got out and noticed their kiddos were bundled up in Steph’s SUV. Remi was waving at me through the window, a big smile on her precious face. As soon as I saw that sweet smile, my anger began to dissipate, and I went back to my truck and grabbed the bear and candy.

  Opening her door, I reached in, handed her the bear, kissing her lightly on the head and tossing the candy on the front passenger seat. Her squeal told me she loved the stupid thing. Better she get some enjoyment from it than tossing it in the trash, I supposed.

  “Well, that was random….” Reaper smirked at me, having no clue about the short history behind the large bear.

  “Thank you, Uncle Erik! I love him soooo much!” Her smile was contagious, but I couldn’t help the pain I felt every time I was around one of the guys with their kids. Longing engulfed me before I shoved it away.

  Even my own niece and nephew rarely saw me. I loved them like crazy, but I wasn’t safe to be around them. I didn’t deserve to be around them. And it hurt too fucking much.

  “You’re welcome, sweetheart.” The crack in my voice was surely a figment of my imagination. My heart felt like it slowed, each thud feeling powerful enough to burst through my chest cavity as, instead of Remi, I saw another child with dark hair, no more than six years old. One that I watched the life seep out of all over my hands. Looking at my palms, I expected them to be stained crimson, as they were once before. Sounds around me faded to murmurs. Nothing existed but my hands in front of me. No. No, no, no, no. Not now. Not after so long… Screams. Confusion. Cries. Devastation everywhere….

  “Erik!” With a start, I whirled on the balls of my feet, fist balled and arm drawn back. My eyes seemed to slowly clear as they darted franticly around. Steph stood in front of me, arms up with her palms facing me the way one would try to calm a raging animal. R
eaper’s arm stretched across her, ready to push her to safety, if need be. He recognized the torment within me, and he was right to protect her. After all, he understood it very well.

  Breath coming in rasping, heaving desperation, I could only shake my head as I backed away and returned to my truck. Dammit, that was Steph and I had damn near decked her. I’d known her since she was barely more than a toddler, when her brother Sam and I became friends in first grade.

  Fuck, I wasn’t fit company tonight.

  Ignoring Reaper’s shouts, I pulled out of the lot like a bat out of hell. No specific destination in mind, I just drove. Maybe if I drove far enough and fast enough, the memories would evaporate like a mist. Memories of innocent children who would never know love, laughter, or happiness. All because I failed. It didn’t matter that I tried. I still failed.

  And the most innocent of them all? The one that truly haunted me every day of my life? The one who never even took a single breath. That sweet child will forever haunt me, running my heart and soul through the ringer.

  My phone rang, but I didn’t even look at the lit screen. When I didn’t answer, the ringing stopped. Only to start again right away. The “fuck you” button was my next response. When the phone rang for the last time, I held down the button, shutting it down. Doing what I seemed to do best, I pushed everyone away.

  Though I desperately tried, I still ached for bright blue eyes and dark silky hair. Losing her had left a void in my chest cavity. She had been the first girl since Layla to make me wish I was a different person, a better person.

  After driving aimlessly on the backroads, I turned back toward town and headed into my parents’ neighborhood. Each house I passed brought back memories every time. Playing hide-and-go-seek in the yards. Picking the flowers out of old lady Newman’s flower bed to bring to Jenny Howard—I was seven, cut me a break. Climbing up into Kevin McDaniel’s apple tree in his front yard to pick apples for my mom to make apple pie for all us kids. Tossing the football over and over in front of Brad Emerson’s house. Yeah, I had a great childhood, even with all the bumps, bruises, scrapes, and broken bones over the years. It was full of memories and experiences I wouldn’t trade for the world.

  Pulling up in front of my childhood home, I sat at the curb taking in the massive Victorian. We had so many good times in that house. Every time my parents talked about selling it and getting something smaller and easier to manage, it made my chest ache. Everyone in town referred to it as a mansion, but to us it was just home. My dad had been an amazing father, even though he was a real estate developer and he had traveled a lot when we were really young. He always made time for us when he was home, but once we got in high school and we were all playing football, he never missed a game. Whether home or away, no matter where he was.

  The house was big, I couldn’t deny that. There were six bedrooms and a total of six bathrooms in the big brownstone. Jonathan had the room at the top of the stairs, Maddox had the next one, with a Jack-and-Jill type shared bath between them, then me with my own small bathroom, and Bexley was across the hall. Of course, being the only girl, she got one of the rooms with the biggest bathroom. My parents had theirs on the main floor with their own bathroom, and the room next to Bexley, with its own bathroom was saved as a guest room. We had a big family, so there was always someone visiting. Then there was a half bath on the main floor for when we had get-togethers or people were over. Like I said, it was a big house. A big beautiful house full of memories… and bathrooms. I chuckled to myself.

  It would really suck if they sold it.

  Even though we were all grown and gone, there were times we randomly just crashed there. Even Jonathan and Rachel, who had moved to Des Moines after she graduated college. There was always an excuse. We drank too much. The weather was bad. It had gotten late and we were tired. It didn’t matter the excuse, every one of us knew it was really just that, an excuse. Staying in our old rooms grounded us… brought us back to Earth when we felt we were drifting weightless in the universe.

  The exact reason I ended up here tonight.

  Stepping down from my truck, my feet instinctually guided me up the stone steps onto the wraparound porch. There was no need to knock. Family was always welcome.

  As soon as I walked in the door, the familiar smells of my mother’s candles enveloped me. Hanging by the door was the framed reminder of the one thing I never wanted to receive. My Purple Heart Medal was framed in a shadow box with the letter and certificate. The only medal no service member wanted to receive. I fucking hated it. That fucking thing would never hang in my house.

  Breathing deeply and avoiding the framed reminder like it might bite me, I headed to the living room where I knew I would find my dad with his feet up and leaned back in his recliner as my mom sat on the couch working on one of her cross-stitch designs. Yep, she glanced up with a smile, her blonde hair glowing warm golden from the fire in the hearth, as my dad greeted me.

  “Hey, son. What brings you by? Wasn’t sure you were even still in town since you haven’t been over in so long. No Valentine for you this year?” He didn’t mean anything by it, but damn that cut deep. My half-hearted smile had my mom chastising him. She always could read us kids like a book.

  “Oh, Gordon, stop. Remember what I said? Besides, you act like he’s in grade school and didn’t get any Valentine’s Day cards.” A small chuckle slipped out, and I felt my soul warm. This was what I needed.

  “Oh, he knows I’m just giving him shit, hon. Good to see you, Erik. Sorry to ditch you the first time you visit in months—ahem!—but this old man needs his beauty sleep. I have an early morning tomorrow.” My dad was nearly silver on the sides, but still more “pepper” than “salt” on the top. After a heart scare a few years ago, he converted the basement into a home gym so the grey hair and his deep laugh lines around his eyes were the only sign of aging marring his youthful appearance. Hell, I hoped I aged as well, but at the rate I was going, I would probably run myself to the ground before I was forty.

  “Yeah, you’re so old, Dad.”

  “It ain’t the years, son, it’s the miles.” He laughed as he came over and hugged me. Nope, I wasn’t ashamed to hug my dad. Not one bit. “Don’t be such a stranger, Erik. It’s good to see you. Love you, son.” He spoke quietly in my ear before he stepped back and went to kiss my mom good night. Once upon a time, I had wanted that. The love they shared. Then, I felt like I didn’t deserve it. Now, I didn’t know what I wanted.

  After he had closed the bedroom door down the hall, my mom stared me down with those knowing eyes. “Sit down and tell me what you’ve been up to, Erikson.” She insisted on calling all of us kids by our full names. She was the only one, and because she was my mom and I loved the hell out of her, I let her get away with it. Still, I gave her a shake of my head and a wry smile as I dropped unceremoniously to the couch next to her.

  “Same old, same old.” My head dropped to the back of the couch, and I closed my eyes. After sitting quietly for several moments, I sighed. “Mom? How did you know dad was the one?”

  “Shouldn’t you ask him how he knew I was the one?” She snickered, and I looked over at her with one eye, keeping the other closed.

  “Really, Mom? I’m trying to come to you with real-world problems. Isn’t a mom supposed to be thrilled if her son comes to her for advice? Besides, we’ve all heard the story about how he saw you out with your friends one night and the heavens opened and angels sang. A million times. Somehow, I don’t think that’s the way things really went down.” My droll tone just made her laugh harder.

  She smiled at me as she set her project to the side and gave me her undivided attention.

  “Is this the same girl you bought the necklace for? Or the one you bought the candy and bear for?” Jesus, sometimes I hated living in a small town. Trying to figure out who told her could literally take days with the endless array of possibilities in this town. Which was exactly why I wouldn’t even try.

  Shaking my head at her
nameless source, I closed my eye again and blew out a frustrated breath. “They were both for the same girl.” Slitting my eyes to gauge her response, I could see her foot swinging and her arms crossed over her chest. Not a good sign.

  “And the reason I haven’t met her after nearly two months… or more?”

  “Jesus, Mom. Can we focus here?” I exclaimed in exasperation.

  “Don’t use the Lord’s name in vain, Erikson. Not in my house. Now tell me about this girl.”

  “Forget I said anything. Honestly, it doesn’t matter. I fu—uh, I mean… I screwed up and now she’s with someone else. Case closed. You know, I think I’ll crash here tonight. I’m too damn tired to drive home, and it looks like it could snow again tonight.” In all honesty, I slept more nights at the clubhouse than my own lately, because my bed and the guest bed reminded me too much of Kassi.

  Making a move to rise from the couch, my mother, never one to give up easily, put her hand on my leg to stop me and spoke seriously. “Erikson. Please. Tell me what’s going on with you. Ever since you joined the Marine Corps you’ve been different. I’ve worried about you every day since then. What did you do that was so bad she can’t possibly forgive you?” Her soft hand cupped my cheek before gripping my chin between her thumb and pointer finger to make me look at her.

  In resignation, I pulled slowly away, covered my face with my hands, and bowed my head. “It was before that, Mom. Before the Marine Corps. Why I joined, actually. And yeah, I think I messed up pretty bad by just being plain stupid. Now I just have to figure out how to get over her.”

  “Send Me An Angel”—Highly Suspect

  Mid-May