Erik's Absolution

by Kristine Allen

  A shaky breath preceded her pressing her cheek so slightly into my palm, I had to wonder if I imagined it. My hand slid further back, fingers entwining in her hair until I cupped the back of her head and turned it toward me. Leaning forward, my forehead rested against hers and I gazed at our son cradled in her arms. “And the first thing Daddy’s gonna do is get you a little black beanie with some skulls on it or some shit. This hospital is trying to make you into a little wussy boy with that baby-blue thing. We aren’t having that, are we?”

  Kassi laughed gently, and I let go, but our heads still touched as we spoke softly to Sebastian as he slept. My chest felt so full, I was literally afraid it might burst open.

  This was what I had been missing by pushing everyone away any time I felt like I might be getting close to them. God, I had been such a fucking idiot.

  “Just Say When”—Nothing More

  DEEP DOWN, I KNEW this day was coming. Even though I tried to love her with every fiber of my being, I knew it wasn’t enough. She had blown into my life, turning it upside down, but in the best way I could have hoped for. Kassi was everything I wanted in a woman, but from the beginning I knew I wasn’t going to be able to hold her long.

  There was a piece of her that she always held back. That piece was so elusive, and no matter how hard I had tried to grab it, it remained just out of my reach. That part belonged to him.

  It had been so damn easy to fool myself into thinking if I loved her hard enough, deep enough, true enough, she would eventually love me as much as she loved him. The only saving grace I had in my favor through it all was the belief that he didn’t want her or his son. Obviously, the status quo changed.

  Fuck, that was another thing that ripped me apart. That tiny little human wasn’t even mine, but I loved him already. Maybe after a while, it wouldn’t hurt so much. Hopefully, it would fade like a bad dream. Never forgotten, but hazier… images blurred… pain subdued.

  If the look on his face was any indicator, there was no denying he loved her as much as I did. Whatever had caused the rift between them, they deserved to work through it. Despite my attempt to understand and accept, anger bubbled up. Anger at the unfairness of the situation, of life. Hate wanted to settle in my heart, but I couldn’t hate him for having her love. Nor her for loving him. After all, I only ever wanted to see her happy. To see the sparkle of love in her eyes. Even if it wasn’t for me.

  “Sir? Were you going to go in to visit with your son today? I’ll have to ask one of them to step out, though.” Hesitation laced the young nurse’s voice as she looked from me to the couple visible through the window. She looked again, and I knew she was seeing what I was, a loving couple sitting next to the tiny warmer that kept their young son safe. Two dark heads leaning together, as they spoke to the burrito-wrapped baby in Kassi’s arms.

  They separated as she stood slowly to set him back in his warmer and slip his hat off. He reached into the incubator to touch the soft, fuzzy hair I had not long ago been so blessed to touch. Thinking about it, this nurse was probably wondering what the hell was going on, who he was and why he was there in place of me. Join the club, hon.

  “He’s not my son.” The words burned in my throat, coiling in my stomach with a sickness born of regret. “Please, don’t bother them.” Casting one more longing look at the woman I loved more than life itself, I moved back from the locked doors of the NICU.

  With a heavy heart, I took the first step away from the future I thought had been in my grasp.

  “Angels On The Moon”—Thriving Ivory

  EARLY THE NEXT MORNING, Erik and I walked together to the NICU. That was the first day I had been given the okay to walk any distance, and I was so happy to stretch my legs. Hunter was supposed to come today, but when I called him, he sounded off and told me he had been called into work so he wouldn’t make it. Even though I knew it was for “the best since Erik was joining me, I was bummed. Not to mention, I felt bad because I knew he was working a lot of overtime with me out. Also, I was planning on telling him about Erik today.

  Matt would be here shortly as well. He had come by yesterday afternoon after getting to Sioux Falls after I had returned to my room from seeing Sebastian. We had returned to the NICU so Matt could see his nephew, then we sat and talked until the end of visiting hours before he ran to get some food. I was a little irritated that he had given up his shifts for the weekend, only working yesterday morning, but it was so good to see him. He was withholding judgement on Erik until he met him and was able to get a feel for him, which I felt was fair. He was pissed about the misunderstanding that had led me to think Erik didn’t want anything to do with us. Misunderstanding… ha! That was a nice way of putting what that whore had done to us.

  Matt was sleeping on the little hide-a-bed chair in my room. He initially said he was going to get a room with Hunter, so I could have my privacy and get a good night’s sleep. But when Hunter wasn’t able to make it, he ended up staying with me after all. We didn’t get much sleep because we sat up talking most of the night. He had gone in search of the cafeteria to see what their breakfast was like while I went to the NICU with Erik.

  Upon reaching the NICU, Erik and I had gone through the handwashing routine, and we were buzzed in. There was a new nurse in there who I had never met. It made me nervous because I had gotten to know the other nurses, and I was super protective of my son.

  “Hi! Who are you here to see?” We told her it was Sebastian. “Ohh, baby Baz! He’s such a sweetheart. I’m Debbie, his nurse for today. Are you and your husband okay with the rocker and the chair, or do you want me to round up another rocking chair?” Her assumption Erik and I were married had me choking on my own spit.

  “Um, he’s not—”

  “Another rocking chair would be great.” We had spoken at the same time, and I had to wonder if he had caught what she said about us. He didn’t appear to have noticed. While the nurses swapped out the chair for the rocker, I stole covert glances his direction as he held Sebastian’s hand in his little warmer. He was so damn gorgeous. This was going to be so freaking hard, being close to him like this and yet so far away emotionally. Then the thought of him reconciling with his obviously estranged wife hit me outta left field, and I beat down any feelings I had for him. Shit. Shit. Shit. I couldn’t believe I’d forgotten about that yesterday when he surprised me by stopping by the NICU.

  Once we were both settled in the chairs, Debbie gathered Sebastian up out of his warmer, slipping his little beanie on and wrapping him up in his baby-burrito blanket. “Okay? Who is holding him first?” She grinned at us, not sensing any of the undercurrents of tension vibrating around us.

  “Erik? Why don’t you hold him first? You haven’t had a chance to hold him yet.” His expression was so adorable. He reminded me of a little kid staring longingly at a chocolate cake knowing he shouldn’t have it before supper, but wanting it in the worst way.

  “My arm…” His left arm was indeed still in a sling, but I was sure we could help him out somehow.

  “What if we prop a blanket under your right arm to help support you and then Debbie sets him in your arms? If it gets to be too much, I can take over.” The bob of his throat as he swallowed made me realize how nervous he was. Wide as saucers, his eyes looked from me to our son.

  “Okay. Yeah, that would be cool.” No matter how bad I wanted to hate him, seeing him like this endeared him to me in ways I couldn’t fight if I tried.

  Between the nurse and I, we got everything stuffed and positioned; then Delila bent over to set Sebastian in Erik’s crooked arm. It was as if Sebastian sensed someone new was holding him and felt the need to investigate because his eyes fluttered a couple of times before opening and staring straight at Erik.

  “Oh my God, he’s looking right at me. It’s like he’s trying to figure out who I am. Hey little buddy. Daddy’s got you today. What do you think of that? Holy shit, Kass, he’s so little. I feel like I might break him. You think he’s safe like this?” Holding bac
k my laugh was impossible.

  “Yeah, I think he’s okay. You look good holding him.” He did, too. His disheveled hair and beard should have made him look messy and scruffy, but he looked amazing with his infant son cradled in his arms. It was the sweetest, most sexy thing I’d ever seen. Pretty sure my ovaries exploded, releasing every egg they ever created in an attempt to have another of this sinfully gorgeous man’s babies.

  Who would have thought the consummate bad-boy biker, who claimed he didn’t want a relationship, would look so amazing holding his infant son close as he whispered his secrets to the small human staring intently at him as if he understood each and every word? Yeah, ovaries… gone. Done.

  Even in the plain white T-shirt and black running pants with the three white stripes down the side, he looked good enough to eat. The sleeves were snug against his bicep, and as my eyes admired the contours of his muscular arms, I couldn’t help but notice the abrasions appeared to be healing pretty well. There had been very little permanent damage done to all his beautiful tattoos. Maybe a few places needed to be touched up, but not bad.

  And where that shirt stretched across his chest? Oh, sweet baby Jesus, the man was too much. He appeared larger and more muscular than the last time I had seen him and had the pleasure of touching, tasting, and worshipping every dip and bulge of muscle.

  Oh Lordy, I needed to stop.

  Clearing my throat, I spoke, trying my best to remain neutral and unaffected. “So, I’ve been thinking we should probably discuss how we want to do everything. You know, like visitation and stuff.” This was such an uncomfortable situation, and my comment sounded like I was hinting about child support or financial support. Shit. Not that I didn’t think he needed to contribute, but it wasn’t my number one concern, and I didn’t want him to think I was all about money.

  When his nostrils flared briefly and the muscle in his jaw ticked, I was afraid that was exactly what he was thinking too. “Erik, I didn’t mean that to sound like I was demanding money. Honest.” When his eyes lifted from Sebastian to meet mine, they were dark teal, swirling with a deep emotion I couldn’t quite place.

  “I didn’t take it that way at all. And, of course, I will support my son. Regardless of what you had been led to believe, I never shirk my responsibilities. My mother would have my ass to this day, I can assure you. Speaking of which, my parents will be coming back by today, and I know they’ll want to see him.” It was his turn to clear his throat, causing our eye contact to falter as he glanced down to our son again. “I haven’t actually told them about Sebastian. So, it’s going to be interesting.”

  After a deep breath, he resumed eye contact. “I own my own business, and my hours are fairly flexible as I work from home and the clubhouse most days. If you needed me to, between me and my mom, we could watch him and save you having to get a babysitter. Speaking of which, are you planning to go back to work? I guess I didn’t even ask that, so that may’ve been a bit presumptuous of me.”

  “Unfortunately, I have to go back to work. There is no way I could pay my rent and my bills without my job. Matt doesn’t make enough to pay everything, and he will be leaving for college in the fall. So… yeah, I’ll be working. If you wanted to watch him some days, it would give Nancy a break. She’s my landlord slash neighbor, and she has been dying to babysit him since I first told her I was expecting. But she’s a retired nurse, and I don’t want her to have to work the hours I do. That’s not much of a retirement for her. Not that she has said anything to the contrary, but I figured it might be a bit much to expect her to work full-time. It’s also going to be rough because I work nights. So, she’ll have him while I’m at work and he’s sleeping, but then I will need to sleep when I get home and he’ll want to be awake. Until my brother leaves for college, he’ll help out too, but I don’t want him to have to do too much. He shouldn’t lose out on his childhood because of my life.” Shrugging my shoulders in uncertainty, I picked at a loose thread on the blanket I held in my lap.

  “We can help. That’s not a problem. But have you thought about going back to days?” His question wasn’t an accusation or asked with any noticeable malice, it was just conversational curiosity. It was nice to be able to sit and talk with him again.

  “Actually, I have. If they have a replacement for me by the time I get back, I’ll go right to day shift. If they haven’t found one yet, then I’ll be on nights until they can get someone on board. I’m using my maternity leave for now. But I didn’t have enough time saved up to be off the full time, and I haven’t been there long enough for my short-term disability to have kicked in.” My teeth chewed nervously on my lower lip.

  “Oh. I wasn’t sure if your boyfriend was going to cover down so you could stay home. But it’s okay. We’ll help you cover it, my family and I. This may have been the last thing I had planned, and I may have said I wasn’t going to have children, but the good Lord obviously had other plans. So you can bet your sweet ass I’ll be stepping up to the plate and being the best damn father I can.” The way he gritted out “boyfriend” didn’t escape my notice. It made me wonder if he was angry about Hunter being a part of Sebastian’s life. The part about never having children had me wondering if it had anything to do with what Joker had said had happened to him.

  “Hunter and I don’t live together. We just stay together sometimes.” The wince he tried to hide had me really wondering what was up with him. “So I wouldn’t expect him to be financially responsible for me and my family. Not that he wouldn’t, but I won’t let him. Sebastian has insurance through my work, so that’s not an issue. It’s mostly just the daycare situation so I can work. This may be asking a lot, but would you mind watching him at my house? Not that I’m saying you can’t take him to your place or your parents’ ever, but I just figured it would be easier around his things.”

  “I’ll talk to my mom, but I don’t think it will be a problem. Maybe I can head over there before you go to work and stay the night there with him until you get home. Then I can head to work. He and I can have sleepovers.” His boyish grin was disarming to my already fragile heart. Jesus, how was I going to survive this? “We’ll figure this out. We just need to get our little guy healthy enough to go home.”

  “Erik? Please don’t be angry with me for this, but I don’t think your wife cared much for me and I don’t want to cause problems, so could we… just at first… keep her away from him?” Praying I wasn’t going to make him angry by essentially saying his wife was a bitch, I closed my eyes.

  “Oh Jesus, Kassi, I totally forgot.” He forgot? Forgot he had a wife, or forgot to tell me he had a wife? Jesus. “She’s not my wife. That is a long story I would rather not get into right now. She was at one time, a long time ago, but I can assure you, that ended a long time ago.”

  “Uh, yeah, I don’t think she got the memo.”

  “Trust me, that ship sailed years ago. Just let me worry about her. I’ll make sure she stays away from the two of you. Promise.”

  It was about then that Sebastian’s nurse came back around and helped get my baby boy back to me to attempt to feed. Of course, I would be pumping after he made his half-hearted attempt, but the few minutes he nursed before exhausting himself was the most magical I’d ever experienced. But as I prepped to expose my breast to my son, I belatedly realized Erik was still sitting by me. Shit. Sliding my gaze over to where he sat in silence, I caught his reverent stare. He looked so different from the Erik I was used to, I didn’t know what to say or do for a minute.

  “Umm, yeah, so I’ll head out so you can have some privacy. I’m going to call my parents and talk to them. I’ll let you know the details, okay?” He carefully stood, showing how stiff and sore he still was. The limping gait as he walked out the doors of the NICU worried me, and I hoped he wasn’t overdoing it. With as stubborn as he was, it wouldn’t surprise me.

  Once he was out of my vision completely, my heart ached at the lack of his presence.

  “Monster”—Starset

 
; PULLING OUT MY CELL as I hobbled back to my room, I dialed my dad’s number. He answered on the first ring, and the slight echo told me he was driving and I was on the car speaker. “Hey, son. We’re just swinging through Starbuck’s for a coffee for your mom then heading up to see you. Everything okay?”

  Was it? Hell no. “Yeah, Dad, everything’s okay. I just wanted to talk with you both when you get here. I should have called you last night, but… well, I’ll talk to you when you get here. I have some things to discuss with you two.” A lot of things to discuss.

  “Love you, baby boy!” My mom shouted in the background, because I still didn’t think she understood I could hear her just fine when it was running through the car. A chuckle escaped me because my mom was the absolute best and she made me happy despite the shitstorm my life had become.

  “Love you guys. See you soon.” The smile was still on my face as I waved at the nurses to let them know I was back from the NICU before stepping into my new room.

  “Awww, thank you, I love you too, Hacker!” Joker was sprawled in the chair that was in my room and I laughed at his goofy ass and shook my head. “You’re such a shit, but for real, I really do love you too.” He stood as I walked over to him and spread his arms to embrace me. Hugging him with my good arm, I smelled the worn leather of his cut and it reminded me of the fuzzy memories I had from a few days ago.

  “It’s, good to see you.” Flicking the edge of his cut with my finger, I asked him what had been bothering me. “Where the hell is my cut, man? I had this really bad dream that someone said it had been cut off me. Please tell me that shit’s a lie?”