Erik's Absolution

by Kristine Allen

  “Fuck, man, I wish I could. You took a tumble down the road at a pretty good clip, and besides the patches being a little tore up from the road, the paramedics cut it off to assess the damage quickly. I was able to get it, but, man, you don’t wanna see it. It’ll break your heart.” His dark head shook back and forth in true sorrow.

  A man’s cut was important to him. You didn’t disrespect it. You didn’t touch it without knowing him and essentially being invited to. It was truly his colors, and it was as respected as much as our nation’s flag. Well, as much as it should be respected. It was hard earned and represented a bond that was forever.

  “Jesus effing Christ. Gunny bought me that cut when I first got patched.” It had meant a lot to me when Gunny had handed it to me the night I became a patched member of the Demented Sons MC. “Fuck. Okay. No, not okay, but whatever. Anyway, everything okay? What’s going on back home? Any trouble?” The Demon Runners had been fucking with us for a while now, and it was pissing us all off. Especially considering it was always in a chickenshit way instead of trying to take us on man to man. They had made a really bad choice when they had taken one of our dancers from the Emerald Shamrock, but when they had accidentally taken Hollywood’s old lady, Becca, they really fucked up.

  We were gunning for them, but they were laying low after making pussy-ass attempts at coming after us. You know, little things like vandalism of the clubhouse gates and flipping us off on the road. At least until they shot me. Now they were dead men walking. Our sources had confirmed it was them, and I was still a mad motherfucker about that. After all, they had potentially gotten me kicked out of my own damn club if I couldn’t regain use of my arm enough to ride.

  Speaking of, it was starting to ache like a mofo. My body was really pissed at me for the beating it had taken. After everything it had been through over the years, it should be used to it. But it wasn’t.

  “Fuck, I need to call the nurse for my pain meds.” Joker had sat down when I sat on the edge of my bed, but he jumped up like his ass was on fire when I said that.

  “Bro, you relax. I’ll go tell her. Be right back.” With a swagger in his step, he sauntered out my door. Okay. Whatever. Too drained from my walk to the NICU and back, I situated myself on top of my covers and rested my head back against the pillow. Damn, I hated how easily I tired.

  The answer to Joker’s enthusiasm entered the room, cheeks flushed the same bright pink of her stethoscope as he poured on the charm. Shaking my head slightly, I grinned at him, but he was too busy sweet-talking my tiny little nurse into giving him her phone number to notice. Fucking Lothario.

  After writing something on a Post-it note from her portable computer cart, she came over and went through the routine of verifying all my shit before she gave me a fucking 800mg Motrin. It seemed crazy to me that they had to ask twenty questions before giving me something I could buy at the corner drug store, but I told my doc I wasn’t taking anymore fucking narcotics.

  After getting my leg shot in Afghanistan, they gave that shit to me like it was candy. It was too fucking easy to become addicted to it. Another brilliant shining example of my fuck-ups. Becoming a drug-addict Marine. Thankfully, I had realized the problem right away and worked with my doctors to wean myself off them. A lot of guys unfortunately didn’t recognize it, and then the system that fucked them up wanted to point fingers at them for being addicts. Didn’t matter that they had been created by their own doctors at the VA or in military medicine.

  Now, unfortunately I had a new addiction. One with silky dark waves of hair, lips to bring a man to his knees, and ice-blue eyes. She was my own special brand of drug. Staying away from her had lessened my cravings, but seeing her, being near her again had slammed them back in my face. Problem was, I could tell you without question, this was a craving I wouldn’t deny or try to break myself of. Every little second I got of her time fed the beast inside.

  Just as the little blonde nurse left with a sway in her hips and a smile to Joker, my parents walked in. My mother, the blessed saint she was, handed me a grande dark roast. Breathing in the rich aroma, I swear, my eyes may have rolled in my head.

  “Mom, you are the very best.” The words barely made it out of my mouth before my lips were wrapped around the opening and I was cautiously sipping from the cup. Straight nectar from the gods. “Mmmmm. You had no idea how bad I needed that. Now physical therapy will be in here shortly to torture me, so I need to talk to you both.” My dad clasped a hand to my shoulder, placing the other around me in a half hug to accommodate my bum arm, before sitting in one of the chairs.

  “You have had your mother worried sick the whole way here, son. Start talking.” His no-nonsense approach to everything was actually comforting. So talk I did. No, I didn’t tell them all the details, but I started with, “You’re grandparents again,” which elicited a half-excited, half-worried squeal from my mom and a raised eyebrow from my dad.

  After I was done, my mom was the first to speak. “Erikson, is this the same girl we talked about months back?” I knew where she was headed with this, and I couldn’t get her to stop if I tried. But I still kind of hesitated before answering.

  “Yeah, Mom.”

  “You still love her, don’t you?”

  “Of course he does. He’s so fucked up over her, it’s pathetic,” Joker piped in.

  “Kayde! Language!” Came out of my mom’s mouth just as I said, “Shut the fuck up, asshole.” Which of course earned me a stern look from my mom before she resumed her scolding of me. “Oh my Lord, how is he doing? You must be so worried. When do we get to see him? What is his name? You never even said!”

  “Sheesh, Mom, one question at a time. You aren’t going to believe this, but she named him after me. After everything… well, anyway, yeah, so she named him Sebastian Erikson.” My mom’s hands covered her mouth and tears filled her eyes. Scrolling through my phone, I pulled up the pics I had taken of him and one candid one with Kassi as she held him. It was one where she had her head tipped slightly as she spoke softly to him and stroked her index finger along the curve of his little cheek. His bold blue eyes were focused intently on her, and she had her bottom lip snagged between her teeth. It was a truly exquisite pose, but one I knew Kassi would want to choke me for if she saw it, because she would say she had no makeup on and her dark hair was gathered up in a wild array on her head with escaping tendrils everywhere. Tendrils as rebellious to being tamed as their owner. Drinking them in one last time, I handed it to my mom.

  The tears streamed down her face as she held my phone with one hand and the other remained over her trembling lips. My dad looked over her shoulder, and she tipped the phone for him to see better.

  “Oh, Erikson, they are so beautiful,” was my mother’s whispered response.

  “You did good, son. Now what are you going to do to fix this? Or is it not salvageable?” Leave it to my dad to hit me where it hurt, but with the best intentions. One thing he always did was make us accountable, and he never sugar-coated anything.

  “Shi—uh, shoot, Dad, I don’t think it is. She hooked up with this other guy.” Before he could even ask, I told him, “And yeah, even though it galls me to say it, he’s a pretty stand-up guy and treats her really well. Would I love a chance? Hell yeah, but I doubt that will ever happen. Anyway, the doc said I’m doing exceptionally well, and if nothing changes between now and then, he’s cutting me loose tomorrow.”

  “So, son, are you going to be sticking around here after you get discharged? To be with your son, I mean?” My dad looked thoughtful.

  “Well, I was hoping to, but I’m not sure. The guys brought me my laptop and my external hard drive for the business, so I could try to do as much as I can from here.”

  “Well, that may work out well then. I have that office building nearing completion here, and I had told them about your security systems you have designed, and they are interested in having one installed. It’s a big job and the pay will be good, but they have a lot of particular needs
out of my scope, so if it’s okay with you, I’ll pass your number on to Chuck, the CEO.” My dad had often referred me to his clients, and I wasn’t too proud to accept those referrals. Business was business, and my dad wouldn’t recommend me just on the fact that I was his son. He had worked too hard to build a successful and reputable development company, and he wouldn’t tarnish that for any of his children “just because.” I was damn good at what I did, and he knew it.

  “Sounds good, thanks.”

  “Okay, I want to see my grandson. I want to see his beautiful momma too, but if she doesn’t want to wear herself out by going to the NICU again so soon, we can stop by to see her after. Whatever is best for her. Let’s go.” My mom stood, wiping her tears with the back of her hand followed by a sniffle.

  “Let me message her.” Quickly, I shot off a message and waited for her reply. She said it was all good, and she would see us after. She also told me she was nervous as shit, but I told her it would all be fine and didn’t share that part with my family.

  Joker said his goodbyes to my mom and dad then hugged me again before taking off to wherever he went while he wasn’t with me there at the hospital. I probably didn’t want to know.

  Even though the doc said it was good for me to walk as much as I could, I was wore out again by the time I got to the NICU and walked my parents through the necessary processes. The nurse must have sensed my exhaustion, because she told me to come in with them after I washed up and I could sit for a bit with them.

  “Oh my God, Erikson, he looks just like you did when you were a baby!” My mother’s quiet exclamation made me smile. It had been my thoughts too, but I thought maybe I was seeing what I wanted to see. The twisted part of me was glad the asshole Kassi was with would have to look at me every damn day. The other part of me felt bad for thinking of the guy as a douche when I was pretty sure he was as good a guy as she said. Probably a better one than I was.

  My parents both held him, reveling in his sweet baby smell much as I had and being amazed at how tiny he was. After cooing and oohing and ahhing over him until the nurses said it was time for his feeding, we all left. Of course, my mother had to get one last look at him before my dad and I bustled her out of there.

  The nearer we got to the room number Kassi had texted me, the more my mom’s voice dimmed in my head and my heart began to pound in anticipation of just laying my eyes on her for a second time today. My skin started to tingle with each step toward her doorway. Swallowing the large lump that had risen in my throat, I knocked on the doorframe and watched as she turned from talking to who I recognized as her brother from the night I had dropped her off so long ago and the night I left her necklace on her doorstep. The same one she wore now. It made me wonder if she had ever figured out it was from me.

  How I missed the resemblance that first night could only be attributed to my jealousy, because they could have been twins if I didn’t know better. Though he was already my height and my own experience told me he could still grow a little and fill out for a few more years, he still was obviously young. Inside, I felt like a shithead for my inner thoughts that night. He raised his chin at me as he stood to his full height. It was easy to recognize the body language that said “don’t fuck with my sister,” and I respected him for that. He had no worries, at least that’s what I told myself.

  “Hey, Kassi. How are you feeling?” My eyes roamed over her from head to toe where she rested on her bed. Her face looked a little pale, and I worried she had been overdoing things. She assured us she was good enough for visitors, so I introduced my parents. “My mom, Sheila, and my dad, Gordie.”

  Leave it to my mom to rush over to her and act like she had known her all her life. My eyes questioned her when I saw the look of shock cross her face, asking “You okay?” She gave me a tentative smile before looking back to my mom. “Hi, Sheila. Umm, this is my brother, Matt.” His good manners showed as he extended his hand for my mom to shake and said, “Pleased to meet you, ma’am.” My mother would have none of that though.

  “It’s Sheila, goodness, you’ll make me old before my time.” She hugged him next, and the poor kid’s face flushed at her warm reception. Being without a parent for the last few years had probably made it awkward to be faced with someone as forward and exuberant in her love as my mom. It probably also brought the feelings of loss to the forefront again, and my heart went out to the two of them. Even though I had left my family without explanation to join the Marines, it would have killed me to lose them like these two had lost theirs.

  After my mom finished embarrassing the boy, my dad stepped up and shook his hand and then gave Kassi a hug as well, though a more reserved version than my mom.

  “Oh, Kassi, you did so good with that little grandson of mine.” My dad inserted a “Hey, he’s mine too!” At which my mom shushed him and waved her hand in the air toward him. “He’s perfect. And Erikson told me about your predicament with his care after you go back to work. You have no worries at all. I would be honored to help with him when you and Erikson have conflicts with your schedules. Now, I make no promises at how spoiled he will be.”

  “I can’t thank you enough. I realize this isn’t an ideal situation, and I’m so sorry if this is awkward or a pain—”

  “Nonsense. That’s what family’s for, Kassi.” There went my mom again. Tears escaped from Kassi’s ice-blue eyes and she rolled them in my direction, as if seeking salvation from my corner.

  “Okay, Mom. You’re overwhelming the poor girl.” We all turned our eyes to the door where my two older brothers stood along with my sister and my sister-in-law, who held my three-year-old nephew and my eleven-month-old niece. Bexley was in heaven with this situation, as I noticed she looked pointedly at me then the pendant glittering around Kassi’s neck, the pendant I bought while she was there. Tipping my head and narrowing my eyes at her to silently tell her to keep her big mouth shut did nothing. She just looked at me like the well-loved but total shit of a little sister she was and grinned like the Cheshire cat.

  “So Mom totally texted us to tell us where you all would be when I told her we were almost here.” The woman had the nerve to keep smiling at me. My darling mother had the nerve to look abashed, and my brothers had the nerve to step in and start introducing themselves. My whole family had a lot of nerve. But hell, what did I expect, this was my family we were talking about.

  “Jesus, Martha. Are you people for real? This girl is never going to speak to me again because she’s going to think I have craziness that runs in my family. She doesn’t need to be bombarded with the likes of all of you!” My exasperation at my loving, but overwhelming-to-even-me family was causing me to feel like I was on the verge of an apoplectic attack. Lord knew I loved them, but sometimes they were too much. “Boundaries, people. Get some.”

  The sound of Kassi’s laughter was like an instantaneous balm to my mood and soul. It was as if I was being washed in calm by the rich, tinkling melody of her laugh. “Erik, it’s okay, I promise. Umm, yeah, at first I was feeling a little overwhelmed, but you have such a big family, and it’s so obvious they love you. It’s fine.” She glanced shyly at me, and my heart raced as it did every time she held me captive with those eyes.

  Before I knew what was going on, Matt and Kassi were passing their phones around showing all the pictures they had taken of my son to my family. Everyone was laughing, smiling, and talking. My nephew, Jaxon, was wanting to see “baby Bastian” on the “foam” again. He was so dang cute. As I often did, I wondered if my child would have looked like him or more like my niece Abigail, whose blonde ringlets shook as she leaned away from her aunt to reach for her grandmother. Except now, to interrupt that thought were visions of my own little newborn son.

  Fuck, I was a father. And my baby’s mother was fucking beautiful. She set my skin on fire with need and some kind of crazy-ass electric vibe every time I was near her.

  Kassi stopped in the middle of all the chaos that was my family, and her eyes met mine. It wasn’t j
ust me. She felt me. Her eyes widened slightly, and her lips parted. When my dick started to jump in my pants, her eyes dropped as if she read my mind, and it flexed again. Belatedly, I remembered I was wearing athletic pants. Unless, I did something quick, my family was going to get an inappropriate show. Fuck.

  Groaning inwardly, I slowly moved my sore body over to the single chair that was just vacated by my brother Maddox when he got up to look at one of the pictures of Sebastian my mother insisted he go check out. It was the only one empty, and it was right next to her bed.

  As I lowered myself slowly to the chair, my arms ached, and I couldn’t hold back a gasp of pain when I bent without thinking. White-hot agony shot straight from my ribs to my throat. A soft hand touched my neck, and I wanted to melt. Her scent wrapped around me like a warm blanket.

  “You okay?” She was the only one who heard my sudden intake of breath. Breathing slowly through it, I waited until it ebbed to a dull throb. Her hand still touched my skin, and the contact was like heaven. My lips ached to touch her arm. If I turned my head just barely to the side, they would skim the tender, soft skin on the inside of her forearm just about at her wrist where her pulse beat.

  Telling myself her concern was nothing didn’t work, because my heart wasn’t listening. It literally hurt as if it was held in a vice with her name all over it. Goddamn it, she made me feel like the world’s biggest pussy, but if I was honest with myself, I was having a hard time really caring that inside I felt like she’d turned me into a big fat vagina.

  If it wasn’t for Hunter, she would be mine. Unfortunately for my heart and lower, she loved him and he was still in the picture. If he wasn’t, there was no way I would let her get away again.

  “Son, did you hear me?” Startled, I blinked and looked at my dad. Her hand quickly pulled away. Sorrow screamed within my head at the immediate loss of her touch. “The little ones are getting hungry, so we’re going to get dinner and then everyone is heading to the hotel. We’ll be back in the morning. Do you need us to bring anything?”