Coming Home to Seashell Cottage

by Jessica Redland

  I gasped. ‘You know about Daran?’

  ‘Shannon’s family – her real family – didn’t keep secrets from her. She knew she was adopted and why, and she got it. What she didn’t get was why you never tried to find her when her dad died. She wrote to you every week for months and—’

  ‘I didn’t get any letters.’

  ‘Liar! You ignored her at first, like, but then you wrote back, telling her that you were happily married with two little kiddies and you didn’t want a mistake from your past to ruin your perfect life. Can you imagine what that did to her? She’d just lost her parents and now her biological mother had rejected her for the second time.’

  I felt sick. Great-Aunt Nuala. She must have written back. Or Ma. Or Da.

  ‘Where did she send the letters?’ I whispered.

  ‘I don’t bloody know. Does it matter, like?’

  I shrugged. ‘Probably not. Any of them could have done it. The point is that I never got any letters and I certainly didn’t write to Shannon.’ I stood up a little straighter. ‘You’ve said your piece, Callum, and now it’s my turn. I want you to sit down and rest your leg, though.’

  ‘I’m fine here and I’m not interested in your excuses. You can leave.’

  I folded my arms and fixed my hardest stare on him, reminding myself that he wasn’t Da; he was an angry teenager who’d been through a traumatic experience and I didn’t need to be afraid of him. ‘I’m not going anywhere till you’ve heard me out. Sit down.’

  ‘No!’

  ‘Bollocks to you. Stand, then. I don’t care. But you will listen. If you still want me to go after you’ve heard me out, I’ll go, although please know that I’ll be back. Now that I’ve found her, I’m not walking away that easily.’

  Callum looked as if he were about to object but sat down anyway in the seat next to the bed, no doubt grateful at being able to relieve some of the pain.

  ‘Right. Good. Glad you’ve seen sense. You said that Shannon’s family never lied to her. Well, Shannon’s very lucky because mine did nothing but lie to me. There’s an exceptionally good reason why I never tried to find her, and it has nothing to do with being married with kids, because I’m not married and the only child I have is right there fighting for her life. The reason why I never tried to find her is that, until three weeks ago, I believed that she’d died two hours after she was born. How’s that for a good excuse?’

  Callum’s mouth opened and he looked from me to Ben and back to me again, as if searching for signs that I was winding him up. ‘You’ve just made that up!’

  ‘I wish I had.’ I yanked open my bag, rummaged for a moment, then thrust Great-Aunt Nuala’s letter into his hands. ‘Imagine my surprise when this arrived.’

  Callum looked at the letter and shrugged. ‘You want me to read this?’

  ‘Be my guest. You can see first-hand what a delightful family I have.’

  I watched Callum’s eyes widen as he read the letter, then went back to the beginning and reread it. He put the peach sheets back into the envelope and handed it to me, keeping his eyes on Shannon the whole time. He took hold of her hand and kissed it. ‘I think I should tell them. You would if you were awake and you’d just read that.’

  My heartbeat quickened. What could he possibly tell us? If it was something serious about her injury, Dr Kaur would have told us already, wouldn’t she?

  Still holding Shannon’s hand, Callum twisted round and looked at me. ‘I need to show you something.’

  He lifted the crutches up and heaved himself out of the seat. ‘Follow me.’

  ‘Where are we going?’

  ‘You’ll soon find out.’

  ‘But what about Shannon?’

  ‘Not being funny, but she isn’t going anywhere, is she?’

  In silence, Ben and I followed him along a corridor, down in a lift, along another corridor and up in another lift.

  ‘Back so soon?’ A young redheaded nurse with a Geordie accent looked up from some paperwork as Callum hopped towards the nurses’ station.

  ‘Are we okay to…?’

  She nodded. ‘Oh, aye. You know your way.’

  ‘Thanks, Kelly.’

  I followed Callum into a small room containing four plastic cribs. He stopped by the first one on the left and nodded towards the sleeping baby.

  ‘Shannon and me have a little surprise for you. This is Luke. Your grandson.’

  22

  ‘Sweet Jesus!’ I looked over at Ben as he fastened his seat belt. ‘I wasn’t expecting that. You really didn’t know?’

  ‘Of course not!’ He started the engine. ‘You don’t seriously think I’d keep something huge like that from you, do you?’

  I shook my head. ‘No.’

  Ben reversed his car out of the parking space. ‘Where to now? My place? Your place? The pub?’

  ‘The offie, then yours. Can I stay over?’

  ‘Of course.’

  I watched his profile as he concentrated on finding the exit of the hospital car park, noticing the way his cheekbones tightened and his nose wrinkled each time someone pulled out in front of him. I’d have beeped my horn and screeched expletives but Ben was definitely more in control of his emotions.

  ‘I’m glad you were with me,’ I said. ‘Tonight was above and beyond. Thank you.’

  He glanced in my direction. ‘Any time. And it wasn’t above and beyond. It’s what friends do for each other. Besides, you’re going to need a lot more looking-after going forward.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ I stared at him as he waited to pull onto the main road. ‘You can pretend you’re concentrating on the traffic till the cows come home, Saint Ben, but you’ll have to explain a comment like that.’

  Ben grinned. ‘I’m sorry. I can’t help it. I know it’s completely inappropriate, given how poorly Shannon is, but I can’t not acknowledge that you’re a grandma. Granny Irish. That’s hilarious!’

  ‘It’s not! It’s bloody terrifying!’

  ‘I can’t help picturing you with a blue rinse, brogues and a shopping trolley. A tartan one. Ooh, and a Yorkshire terrier tucked under your arm.’

  ‘Ben!’

  ‘Perhaps one of those plastic headscarf things and horn-rimmed specs dangling from a chain.’

  ‘Christ, Ben! Could you be more stereotypical? Next you’re going to suggest I’ll have yellow teeth and smell of wee.’

  ‘If the cap fits…’

  ‘Ben! If you weren’t driving this car…’

  But I had to admit, it was pretty funny. Thirty-three years old and already a grandmother. Imagine Ma and Da’s faces if they knew! It would be all ‘like mother, like daughter’. Maybe I’d feel brave enough to confront Da again one day and tell him. I shuddered. It wasn’t going to happen. The man still terrified me. There was no way I’d be able to face him again, even though the expression on his face would be priceless.

  Oh my God! I’m a grandma. The enormity of it hit me. The daughter I thought had died at birth was really alive and she’d had a child. I thought I’d finally found a family in Aisling and her kids, which had been amazing after so many years all alone. Now my family had grown again with two generations directly descended from me.

  As I’d gazed upon Luke in his crib, I’d felt that same outpouring of love for him that I’d felt for Shannon in the brief moments I’d held her before they whisked her away. Shannon and Luke already meant the world to me, but would they feel the same way about me?

  ‘Do you think Callum meant what he said about wanting me to be part of Luke’s life?’ I asked tentatively.

  ‘Of course he did. I know he was angry when he first saw you, but wouldn’t you be, in his situation? He clearly loves Shannon and, in his eyes, you’d abandoned her when she most needed you. Now he knows that’s not true. He seems like a really decent lad.’

  ‘I know. She’s picked well there.’ I stared out of the window for a while, my mind whirring. ‘What will I do if Shannon’s not as understanding as Callum when she
wakes up?’

  ‘You’ll work that Irish charm and bring her round in time.’

  ‘And what if she doesn’t come round?’ My voice cracked as I asked the question I feared the most.

  ‘I’m sure she will. You’ll just need to be patient with her.’

  I shook my head. ‘No. I meant what if she doesn’t come round – as in what if she doesn’t wake up?’

  Ben’s hesitation was miniscule but it was enough to send my stomach plummeting to my feet. ‘She will,’ he said.

  ‘What if she doesn’t?’

  He stopped at a red light and turned round to look at me. ‘Then we’ll cross that bridge together. Come on, Clare. This isn’t like you. You’re always the strong one. I know this evening has been a hell of a shock, but you’ve got to think positively. Shannon’s made it through the worst part already. I know she’s not out of the woods yet but she’s well on her way. She’s already battled her way through the thick forest of thorns and now she’s just got a little copse to navigate through.’

  Despite everything, I had to laugh at his analogy. ‘Did you just make that shite up?’

  He smiled. ‘Yes. Did you like it?’

  ‘It was dire. But I get it, and you’re right. I guess I’m just not feeling so strong at the moment. It’s been a hell of a year so far.’

  ‘Then it can only get better, can’t it?’

  I hoped he was right.

  ‘I know what will make you happy,’ Ben said, as we paused at another set of lights. ‘Although he’s still in your possession, the king’s now mine, isn’t he?’

  ‘Feck.’ I delved into my bag to retrieve him. ‘I thought you said you were going to make me happy?’

  ‘I hadn’t finished. Officially, I’m the recipient of the king for finding Shannon before your contact, but I want to give him straight back to you.’

  ‘Why? What have I done to make me king of the moment?’

  ‘What have you done? You absolutely rose to that challenge. You dashed straight to the hospital, not caring whether or not you got a bad reception. You blagged your way in; you turned around your daughter’s hostile fiancé. And you let me get away with a load of ageist jokes. Definitely king of the moment. Although, you do realise I’m going to go all out to win him back, don’t you?’

  I relaxed back in my seat. What would I do without Ben? Somehow, he always managed to make things seem better.

  23

  ✉︎ To Elise and Sarah

  Sorry to do this by text. I wanted to update you both and I don’t have the energy for a phone call tonight so please don’t call me back. Three pieces of news. Great news: Ben found Shannon and I saw her tonight! Bad news: she’s been in a car crash and is in an induced coma while her body recovers. She should pull through OK. Unexpected news: I’m a granny. Yeah, I know! Ben’s already done all the jokes. Will call tomorrow night or over the weekend xx

  * * *

  ✉︎ From Elise

  Oh my goodness! That’s a lot of information in one text. Sitting on my hands to stop me from picking up the phone to find out more. Wonderful news about finding Shannon, although I’m so sorry to hear the circumstances. Keeping everything crossed. She has a baby? I’m assuming we’re talking a baby, given her age…? Boy or girl? Sorry. Too many questions! Won’t be offended if you don’t text back. Speak tomorrow. Hugs xxx

  * * *

  ✉︎ To Elise

  Ha ha ha. It’s OK. Definitely a baby! Luke. Shannon & her fiancé Callum were on their way to Gretna Green to get married before he was born. Hit by jackknifing lorry. They had to deliver Luke by C-section. Miracle he’s still with us & healthy. I promise to call tomorrow with full details. At Ben’s now. Need a bottle of wine and time to get my head round it all xx

  * * *

  ✉︎ From Sarah

  OMG! You’ve certainly had a busy evening. I’m here for you when you’re ready to talk xx

  I lay in my old bed in Ben’s spare room that night, with the lights off and the curtains open, watching the rain pelting against the window. Despite the best part of a bottle of wine swimming round my bloodstream, I couldn’t relax and switch off. Vivid memories swirled around my head of Shannon being born and placed in my arms for a few brief moments, before the midwife whom Great-Aunt Nuala had hired reached forward and took her away, whispering that it was for the best that I wasn’t given any time to get attached. No time to get attached? What did she think had been happening during the nine months she’d been growing inside me? The next time I saw her was this evening – a grown woman lying on a hospital bed, her poor young body cut, bruised and hooked up to machines, believing that her own mother had rejected her at birth and then again years later. If she’d inherited any of my fire or my ability to hold a grudge, she certainly wouldn’t accept me with open arms.

  My heart ached for all the missed years, and a streak of hatred towards Da flowed through me again. When I’d reluctantly agreed to the adoption, I’d always known I was unlikely to see her until she turned eighteen, and that I’d have to live with the hope that we could be reunited, knowing that it might not happen if Shannon chose not to get to know me. That had been hard enough. What sort of monster would take that glimmer of hope away? I just didn’t get it. He must have really hated me to do that, but why? Why did my own father hate me so much? I accepted that Daran and I getting together could be seen as scandalous in a small, narrow-minded community like Ballykielty, but he’d covered it up and he’d sent me away. He’d made it clear I wasn’t welcome back and I’d had no intention of returning. He’d removed his problem and he’d punished me for what he perceived to be my crime. So why punish me further by telling me she’d died?

  I picked up my mobile from the bedside table and looked at the time: 3.17 a.m. Sleep. I need sleep. Reluctantly, I rolled out of bed and closed the curtains. Maybe a bit less light would help. I needed to stop focusing on Da because, for every moment I wasted thinking about him, I was letting him control me, and he’d done that for far too long. I needed to stop thinking about the years spent without Shannon and focus on the future with her. Which meant a future with Luke. I smiled at the thought of that tiny little boy dressed in his hospital-loaned blue babygrow, curling his hand around my little finger and kicking his dumpy legs. I might not have had a chance to be there for my own baby but I had an opportunity to be there as my grandbaby grew. Daran’s grandbaby.

  As I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling and twiddling my Claddagh ring, I imagined Daran looking down on Shannon and Luke, and smiling at the legacy he’d left behind. Christ! Looking down on them? I don’t believe in all that bollocks.

  ‘Do you believe in God?’ Daran had asked me, about a month after my sixteenth birthday. ‘I mean, really, truly believe in God.’

  Although the day had been mild for early October, the darkness had brought a chill to the air. We were going to need to rethink our farmhouse love nest very soon. I shivered slightly and pulled a blanket over us as I stroked my hand across his bare chest. ‘You won’t be hurt, whatever the answer is?’

  ‘Nothing you say or do could ever hurt me, Clare.’

  ‘Even though you believe in God and love Him with all your heart?’

  He kissed the top of my head. ‘Not with all of my heart. I did. But then I met you, and you took my breath away and stole my heart.’

  I reached up and stroked his face, then gently kissed him, my body full of love and longing for this man who had chosen me over the priesthood.

  ‘One more time, then I’ll answer your question. But, for now, just know that I really and truly believe in you and the fact we’re meant to be together. Always.’

  ‘You’ll be wanting my answer,’ I said, as I lay beside Daran later, panting.

  He laughed. ‘You can get your breath back first. And you don’t have to answer the question if you don’t want to. I think I know the answer and I’m fine with it, so I am.’

  I propped myself up onto my elbow. ‘Amazing kisser. Incredible in be
d. Will you be adding psychic powers to your list of skills?’

  Daran propped himself up on his elbow too so he could look into my eyes. ‘You really think those things about me?’

  ‘Of course. Of the forty-seven lads in the village I’ve slept with, you’re definitely the best.’ I winked and he grinned.

  I lay back and stared at the dilapidated ceiling. ‘I’d better answer your question. The truth is that I don’t like religion. It’s been rammed down my neck by my parents and God has been used as a bribe and a threat.’

  ‘In what way?’

  ‘If we were naughty, we’d be told that God was watching and would punish us. If we hurt ourselves, we’d be told that it was God getting His revenge for our wicked thoughts or actions. We were made to believe He was judging us and that we needed to constantly work harder to make Him happy, as though He were always displeased. I found myself wishing He didn’t exist. I hated the idea of this grumpy, old man watching over us, tutting every time I got a word wrong in my school spelling test or slopped gravy on my shirt.’

  Daran held me closer and stroked my hair. ‘Is that what you still think?’

  I sighed. ‘When I met you, you talked about a different God who cared, and understood, and forgave. What I’m struggling with is how two people can interpret the same God so differently.’

  ‘I don’t know your da very well but he strikes me as a man who hides behind religion to control others and manipulate them into doing what he wants them to do. The God I know and love doesn’t sit in judgement. He guides and supports us through good times and challenging times. If you want to imagine Him watching over us and tutting, I think it’s safe to say that it’s your da he’s tutting at – not you.’