Coming Home to Seashell Cottage

by Jessica Redland

  ‘I like that thought.’ A cold breeze ruffled my hair and I pulled the blanket more tightly across my body.

  ‘It’s too cold to stay here,’ Daran said. ‘We need to get you dressed and back home, where it’s warm.’

  ‘I know a way we can warm up,’ I said.

  Back in Ben’s room, I finally drifted into sleep, thinking about that night with Daran.

  I glanced at my watch after we’d warmed each other up that night in the farmhouse. ‘Jesus, Daran! It’s half eight. Weren’t you meant to be meeting Father Doherty at eight?’

  His eyes widened. ‘I’m going to have to run. Are you up for it?’

  ‘You be going. I’ll blow the candles out and tidy up a bit.’

  ‘You’ll be okay on your own? You’ve got a torch?’

  ‘Yes, and I’ll be grand. I’ve been here in the dark on my own a million times. I’m perfectly safe.’

  ‘I love you.’

  ‘I love you too. Now, run! And make sure you get that straw out of your hair.’

  Daran kissed me, then ran across the farmhouse, pulling on his jumper with one hand and trying to knock straw out of his hair with the other. I finished pulling on my clothes and hunted around for my running shoes. As I bent over to tie the laces, a feeling of unease crept over me. Heart racing, I slowly turned round to face him.

  ‘That was quite a show the two of you put on again. You know what’s going to happen now, though, don’t you?’

  ‘Clare! Are you okay?’

  I squinted under the bright light. ‘Ben?’

  ‘You were crying for help.’

  My heart was thumping, I was drenched in sweat and I was crying. ‘Bad dream.’ I pushed my hair out of my eyes and wiped my wet cheeks.

  Ben knelt on the floor beside me. ‘Can I get you anything? Some water, perhaps?’

  I nodded. He held my gaze for a moment, then squeezed my arm gently. He flicked the bedside lamp on, putting the main light off as he left the bedroom.

  Sitting up, I hugged my knees up against my chest. I’d been dreaming about Daran and the night he’d asked me whether I believed in God. That had actually happened. It was a real memory, not a dream. But what about what had happened next? That hadn’t happened. Why had I gone from dreaming about Daran and a real event into a horrible nightmare? Because that’s what it was. A nightmare.

  Wasn’t it?

  24

  ✉︎ To Callum

  Looking forward to seeing you all again tonight. Do you need anything? Does Luke?

  * * *

  ✉︎ From Callum

  I’m OK but would be cool if you could get some clothes and nappies for Luke. His are all borrowed from hospital. Laters

  * * *

  ✉︎ From Ben

  Good luck tonight. Are you sure you don’t want me to get my Samaritans shift covered?

  * * *

  ✉︎ To Ben

  Don’t you dare! You’ve done enough already. I’ll call you tomorrow

  Looking at the pile of carrier bags in the boot of my car, I chewed on my thumbnail and hoped I’d chosen well. I’d dashed around several high-street stores in Leeds city centre at lunchtime, realising I knew absolutely nothing about babies and what they wore. Tiny Baby, Early Baby, New Baby, First Size, Newborn, 0-3 Months, Less Than 5.5lb, 5-7lb. And don’t get me started on the nappy choices… Argh! Who knew there were so many options for what appeared to be exactly the same thing? No wonder so many new mums suffered from postnatal depression. As if having a new life to take care of wasn’t scary enough, a trip to the shops was certain to tip them over the edge! I’d finally settled on a combination of Newborn and 0-3 Months clothes, a similar size in super-absorbent nappies, and a bottle of pretty much everything in the Johnson’s Baby range. It’d be grand.

  I lifted the bags out of the boot, shoved a fluffy, cream teddy bear under my arm and headed into Jimmy’s to meet Callum on the maternity ward, as agreed, before going to see Shannon.

  Luke was awake. God, did we know it! My shoulders tensed as his cries pierced through me.

  ‘Jesus!’ I said, when I’d greeted Callum and been introduced to Kelly, the nurse gently rocking Luke. I recognised her as the same nurse from the evening before. ‘He’s got a good pair of lungs on him.’

  Kelly smiled as she reached for a bottle of milk and gave it a shake. ‘Are youse ready?’

  Callum had propped his crutches against the wall and was settling into a chair beside Luke’s crib. He draped a cloth over his arm. ‘Ready.’ Then he looked at me. ‘Unless you’d like to…?’

  I shook my head quickly. ‘You’re settled now. And your little man is starving, so I wouldn’t want to delay him.’

  Callum reached out for Luke, then the bottle. ‘In that case, you can be on nappy-changing duty.’

  Bollocks. Was it too late to ask to feed him instead?

  ‘I’ll leave youse to it,’ said Kelly. ‘Just shout if youse need owt.’

  ‘Thanks, Kelly.’

  ‘How’s Shannon?’ I asked when Kelly left. ‘Any improvements?’

  ‘They reckon there’ve been some, but it’s still too early to bring her round. Luke’ll probably fall asleep after he’s fed and changed. We’ll go and see her then.’

  ‘And what about you? Are you okay?’ Callum looked paler than he had yesterday.

  He wrinkled his nose. ‘Aches and pains everywhere but it could be a lot worse. I’ve been very lucky.’

  I watched Callum’s natural ease with admiration. ‘You look like you’ve been doing this all your life.’

  ‘There were babies in some of my foster families. I got used to them.’

  I took a seat beside him. ‘How long were you in foster care?’

  ‘Since I was six.’

  ‘What happened to your parents?’

  ‘My mum’s dead and I don’t know who my dad is. I don’t think my mum knew, either.’

  ‘Sorry.’

  He shrugged dismissively. ‘Shit happens. One of her many loser boyfriends liked to beat us both up. My teacher spotted it and I ended up in care but Mum stayed with him and he got her into drugs. It was a bit of pot at first, but it got more serious when he started dealing.’

  Callum paused to wipe away some milk that had dribbled down Luke’s chin. ‘When I was eleven, she overdosed, and that was that. I hadn’t seen her for, like, two or three years. She was so spaced that there was no point. I can’t remember how she was before the drugs.’

  ‘Sounds like you had a tough childhood.’

  Callum shook his head. ‘It wasn’t so bad. My foster families were cool. And if I hadn’t been in care, I’d never have met Shannon.’ His eyes lit up at the mention of her name. He stroked Luke’s head. ‘And we’d never have had you, would we? I know you might think we’re young to have a baby, but I had to grow up a lot quicker than most kids my age. Shannon says I act like I’m thirty-eight instead of eighteen. Says she’s going to buy me a pipe and slippers.’

  I smiled. As if I’d judge anyone for having a baby young. I wanted to ask more. I knew first-hand what it was like to be abandoned by your family but I had no idea what it was like to be brought up by strangers. How had that affected him? How had it affected Shannon? How would it affect how she felt about me?

  ‘So, what’s in the bags?’ Callum asked, lightening the mood.

  ‘Ah, yes! I got a bit carried away.’ I jumped up and began unpacking bags, showing Callum the various sleepsuits and outfits I’d bought. I picked up the teddy. ‘And this fella is baby-safe and washable. His name’s Philbin, apparently. Strange name for a bear. You can change it if you want. I’m sure he won’t mind.’ I placed the bear at the end of the cot.

  Callum laughed. ‘I’m not going to steal his identity, poor bear. Philbin it is.’ He handed me Luke’s part-empty bottle and held his hand under Luke’s chin while he rubbed his back. Luke released the most enormous belch, making me giggle.

  ‘Good boy,’ Callum said. ‘Ready for more?’ He po
pped the bottle back into Luke’s mouth and looked up at me. ‘Shannon’ll be gutted. She wanted to feed him herself but, like, we don’t have much choice.’

  At the mention of breastfeeding, a flashback hit me of my own swollen breasts post-birth and no baby to feed. Tears pricked my eyes and I blinked them away.

  ‘What’s Shannon like?’ I asked.

  His eyes lit up again. ‘She’s awesome. She’s really brainy. Got top grades at school. She had a place at sixth form but deferred a year when we found out about Luke. She’s a great friend and, like, dead funny. She can go quiet and likes to be on her own when she’s got stuff to think about. She’s ace at giving advice, even if she’s not always good at taking it. She’s feisty and opinionated and, now that I’ve met you, I know where she gets that from.’

  ‘Feisty and opinionated? Me? What would possess you to say something like that?’

  Callum laughed. ‘No idea.’ He removed the bottle from Luke’s mouth. ‘Nice work, Luke. Let’s hear some more burps, then Grandma can change your nappy and dress you in some of those new clothes that don’t smell of hospital.’

  He passed me the bottle and manoeuvred Luke into burping position again. ‘Do you mind me calling you “Grandma”?’

  ‘No. Although, I’d be lying if I said it was going to be easy getting used to it. I do feel a bit young to be a grandmother, but I guess that’s what happens when you have a child young and they have a child young too. I’m fine with it as long as Shannon is. I’m conscious that she might not want me in her life.’

  ‘She probably won’t at first, but she’ll go quiet and spend some time thinking about it, then she’ll decide it’s right for her and right for Luke. Anyway, I’m his dad and I want you to stick around. I’ve never had a proper family, like, and neither has Shannon since her dad died. If there are real family members who want to be involved – ones who aren’t into drugs – then I want them to be around Luke.’ He blew his fringe out of his face and wrinkled his nose. ‘You do want to stick around, don’t you?’

  ‘Of course I do. As I said last night, I’d always hoped I’d see her again when I agreed to the adoption. I never wanted to give her up in the first place. With no money, no home, no family and no education, I didn’t have many options. I thought adoption would be best for her.’

  Callum nodded. ‘It probably was. I didn’t know Paul and Christine, but Shannon said they were awesome parents.’

  Luke produced a couple of loud belches. ‘Nice one!’ Callum said. ‘High five!’ He placed his fingertips against Luke’s palm. ‘Let’s give you to Grandma for a change.’

  Bollocks. I was going to have to tell him. ‘I feel like a right eejit saying this, Callum, but I don’t know how to hold a baby.’

  He frowned. ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes. Really.’

  ‘You’ve never held a baby before?’

  ‘Never.’

  ‘You don’t have friends or family with babies?’

  ‘No! Why’s that so hard to believe? I don’t have any family. Actually, I have my big sister Aisling now, but her kids are school-age. I wasn’t in contact when they were babies. I don’t have a huge circle of friends and none of them have had kids yet. My friend Elise is pregnant, so I guess I’ll hold hers at some point, but I genuinely haven’t held a baby since Shannon was born. Back then, a midwife placed her in my arms but whisked her away minutes later saying…’ My voice caught in my throat and tears filled my eyes. ‘Anyway, I don’t know what to do. Can I watch you instead?’

  ‘Slight problem with that plan.’ He jerked his thumb towards the crutches behind him. ‘You’ll have to do it. Don’t look so scared.’

  ‘What if I drop him?’

  ‘We’ll just have to hope he bounces.’ Callum laughed. ‘I am joking, you know. How about you get out everything you need and then I’ll pass Luke to you?’

  ‘You don’t think we should call Nurse Kelly instead?’

  ‘Oh dear, Luke, looks like Grandma is a fraidy cat. She’s scared of a six-pound, three-ounce baby.’

  ‘I’m not scared of him. I’m just scared of… Okay, you’ve made your point. What do I need?’

  How hard was it to remove a baby from his clothes, change a nappy and re-dress him? Jesus! How was it that I could negotiate incredibly tough business deals with stroppy chief execs and instigate challenging recovery plans when a client had experienced a PR disaster, yet I couldn’t remove a baby’s arm from a sleeve?

  ‘I don’t think he’s had a dump, so you’ve got it easy with your first change,’ Callum said.

  ‘Easy? There’s nothing easy about any of this.’ I wiped the sweat off my brow with the back of my hand.

  He laughed. ‘It’ll get easier. I promise. Oh, and you might want to—'

  I screamed and stepped back, spluttering, as a flow of warm urine spattered across my face and down my white shirt.

  ‘Oops! Too late.’

  I grabbed at the sleepsuit that I’d removed, wiped my face and dabbed helplessly at my top. ‘Did he do that deliberately?’

  ‘It often happens when baby boys are exposed to the air. I was about to say that you might want to put a tissue over him, just in case. Sorry.’

  ‘You’re sure it wasn’t a dirty protest for my incompetence?’

  ‘I’m sure.’

  I turned back to Luke. ‘Right, you! Listen and listen good. When you’re older and you bring girlfriends home, I’m going to be telling them all about how you peed on your grandma the second time she met you. You’ll pay for this, young man. You mark my words. This’ll come back to haunt you, so it will.’

  Callum laughed again. ‘If it’s any consolation, it happened to me, like, the first time I changed a boy’s nappy. Think of it as Luke marking his territory. You’re now officially his property.’

  When I’d finally sorted everything out, I was able to sit down and have a cuddle. It was my first opportunity to relax and properly look at my grandbaby. As I stroked his chubby cheeks and bald head, an overwhelming sensation of love and protectiveness enveloped me, just as it had that brief moment I’d held Shannon. Tears rushed to my eyes and my throat tightened.

  ‘It’s pretty special, isn’t it?’ Callum said.

  I nodded, not daring to speak.

  ‘You said you got to hold Shannon?’

  A couple of tears sprang loose as a feeling of déjà vu hit me. ‘Only for a minute or so before they took her away.’

  ‘Must have been rough.’

  ‘It was, but I managed to hold it together, convincing myself that she had a far better life ahead of her than I could give her. Then they told me she’d died. I lost the plot at that point.’ I took a deep breath, shuddering again at the memory of that horrendous moment. I’d cried pretty much solidly for a fortnight. Great-Aunt Nuala told me to toughen up and accept my penance at first, then she got worried and called the doctor, who prescribed some happy pills. I didn’t need tablets – I needed my baby. Disgusted by their lack of understanding, I flushed the tablets away and vowed never to let them see me being weak again. Until I got the letter from Great-Aunt Nuala, that had been the last time I properly cried.

  ‘Tell me more about how the two of you met,’ I said. ‘You said it was in a foster home?’

  Callum nodded. ‘When her dad died, Shannon was thirteen. Her mum… adoptive mum… had died three years before. She had no aunties or uncles, like, so she was sent to an emergency foster family – the Hendersons – which was where I was placed. They’re this awesome couple. Completely bonkers. They couldn’t have kids of their own so they started fostering. She’d inherited the family business – a large guesthouse on the outskirts of Northampton – and quite a lot of money, so they ran it as a sort of children’s home.

  ‘I’ll never forget the first day I saw Shannon. I’d been with the Hendersons for a couple of years and, as the longest-standing foster kid, I was always the one who welcomed newbies and helped them settle in. I got home from school one day and Mrs Henders
on told me that we had a new girl who’d gone to explore the grounds. I couldn’t find her at first. I was worried she’d done a runner, like, but I eventually found her in the treehouse talking to two wooden boxes. Turns out they contained the ashes of Paul and Christine. Her dad hadn’t been able to bring himself to say goodbye and scatter her mum’s ashes, and she was glad about that because it meant she could scatter them together when she found a permanent home. She knew her stay with the Hendersons was temporary because they didn’t have space to keep her, but she had a plan. She was going to…’

  ‘She was going to what?’ I asked, when Callum stopped and looked away.

  ‘She was going to contact her real mum and hopefully go to live with her.’ He grimaced. ‘Sorry. I’m not saying that to have a dig.’

  ‘It’s grand,’ I said brightly, my stomach twisting with guilt. ‘Go on.’

  ‘Well, as you now know, she wrote loads of letters to you but heard nothing back at first. She moved around a lot, but she was really positive about it because she was convinced she’d find her birth mum and live happily ever after together. Sorry. Again, that’s not a dig. Anyway, we became, like, best mates and often met up on weekends. She was so much fun and nothing seemed to get her down. She threw herself into everything she did: schoolwork, friendships, dance classes, learning the guitar. I struggled at school so she helped me with my maths and science. She taught me to play the guitar, although I refused to let her teach me ballet.’ He paused and smiled. ‘Didn’t think a pink tutu was quite the look for me, like. Anyway, I found myself wanting to be with her all the time and I soon realised I wanted to be more than friends. I’d never had a girlfriend before, and I had no idea whether she felt the same way about me, so I kept quiet.

  ‘When you wrote to her and said you wanted nothing to do with her – or at least when we thought it was you who’d written – she was gutted. It was like someone had taken a fire extinguisher and put out her spark. She’d moved to yet another foster family that week and claimed that nobody loved her or wanted her in their lives. I told her that I did. She said I was only saying that because we were friends and that I only needed her in my life to get through my school exams and would dump her after that. I had a go at her, telling her exactly how I felt about her. She had a go back at me, asking why the hell I hadn’t said anything before then, because she felt exactly the same way and hadn’t dared make the first move. We were inseparable after that.