Coming Home to Seashell Cottage

by Jessica Redland

  Aisling steered me out of Zara and towards a coffee shop, where she ordered two large cappuccinos. I tipped a packet of sugar into mine. ‘What am I going to do with myself all day if Luke is at the hospital with Shannon and Callum? And what if Callum recovers enough to move into a visitor’s room so they don’t even need me to have Luke overnight? I packed in my job to look after him and now I might not even get to see him.’

  Aisling shrugged. ‘I think it’ll be a while before Callum’s well enough to have Luke on his own overnight. But could you ask for your job back? Part-time, I mean, after you’ve done the hospital drop-off?’

  I shook my head. ‘I kept in touch with my boss’s PA, Margaret. She says they’ve already replaced me.’

  ‘That was quick.’

  ‘Internal promotion. They’ve even backfilled his position.’

  Aisling studied my face for a moment. ‘If they’d granted you leave to look after Luke, you wouldn’t have returned, would you? You’re thinking of doing something else?’

  I smiled at my big sister. ‘How did you know that?’

  ‘There’s a twinkle in your eye. You’re scheming something.’

  ‘It’s just a seedling of an idea at the moment and it might not grow. When I left, our HR manager said she could imagine me running my own business and the more I’ve thought about it, the more I like the idea.’

  ‘I could see you as a successful young entrepreneur,’ Aisling said. ‘Doing what? PR still?’

  I nodded. ‘PR, marketing, social media… but maybe on a smaller scale. Local companies, rather than big corporates.’

  ‘Sounds grand. Here in Leeds?’

  I shrugged. ‘That’ll be the unknown element. I want to be near Shannon, Callum and Luke, if they’ll let me. I’ll follow them anywhere. Well, anywhere as long as it’s not Ballykielty!’

  Aisling laughed. ‘Can’t imagine why you wouldn’t be dying to move in next door to Ma and Da. They’d make you so welcome!’ She took a slurp of her drink. ‘Have you heard from your man? Stevie, is it?’

  ‘Jesus! I haven’t checked my phone.’ I dug it out of my bag. Sure enough, Stevie had texted me:

  ✉︎ From Stevie

  Elise and bean OK but BP still rising Will give it a few days before they decide on inducing birth. Elise is bored but says she has another story idea. Hope Shannon’s OK xx

  ‘Everything okay?’ Aisling asked.

  ‘Elise is in hospital but hopefully everything’s okay.’ I took a sip of my coffee while I gathered my thoughts. ‘If she’s anything like me, Shannon won’t change her mind about seeing me within the next few days. Do you fancy a trip to the seaside tomorrow after we drop Luke off? I’d like to visit Elise. I know that means the inside of yet another hospital, but I promise that the rest of the day will be devoted to you.’

  ‘Will you buy me an ice-cream?’

  ‘It’s February.’

  ‘It’s the seaside. Which means ice-cream.’

  I laughed. ‘Okay. There’s a really cool vintage ice-cream parlour on the seafront. Sarah took me there once. It does amazing sundaes.’

  ‘Sold,’ she said. ‘When we’ve finished these, what would you say to us getting you some sensible baby-friendly clothes? We passed a Penneys earlier. Or, what do you call it in England? Primark?’

  ‘Wash your mouth out!’

  ‘Have you been in Primark lately?’

  ‘I’ve never been in Primark.’

  ‘Then you don’t know what you’re missing. I love your clothes, Clare. They’re gorgeous and you always look amazing, but designer skirts and dresses with three-inch heels are not practical with a baby.’

  True. I’d become increasingly exasperated with my wardrobe since I’d started looking after Luke. I actually only owned one pair of jeans and two T-shirts, and I felt so much more comfortable with Luke when I was wearing them. Maybe it was time to change my wardrobe.

  ‘Sounds like I’m about to have the most dramatic makeover of my life.’

  Aisling nudged me in the ribs. ‘It’s just a transition into the world of parenting. It doesn’t need to mean sweatpants and shapeless, beige sweaters. You can still have colour; you can still have dresses. You just probably don’t want to spend as much on them. And you might want to invest in a few pairs of flat shoes.’

  30

  ‘Welcome to Whitsborough Bay,’ I declared brightly as I pulled into a parking space on The Headland, opposite Lighthouse Cove. ‘Looks like we’ve got the perfect weather for a trip to the seaside.’

  We stepped out of the car and breathed in the fresh sea air. Fluffy clouds danced across a cornflower-blue sky and gulls squawked as they swooped down in search of discarded chips and doughnuts. I reached into the back seat for my coat and scarf. The sun felt warm against my cheeks, but it was still February and there was definitely a winter chill in the air.

  ‘What do you fancy doing?’ I asked Aisling. ‘We’ve got three hours till visiting time. If we go left out of here, we can walk round The Headland. It’s about thirty to forty minutes and it brings us out at North Bay. There’s a couple of cafés and a bar that Sarah says does good food.’

  ‘Sounds grand.’

  ‘So,’ Aisling said, when we’d crossed the road and set off, ‘you and Ben? What’s the story?’

  I pulled a face at her. ‘There’s no story. He’s a friend.’

  ‘Is he now?’

  ‘Yes!’

  ‘You don’t think that what he’s doing for you goes a bit above and beyond friendship?’

  I laughed. ‘For most people, yes. For Saint Ben, no. He works for a charity by day and volunteers by night. Luke and I are his current volunteering project. He’s just being a good friend.’

  ‘Friend? You’re codding yourself.’

  I stopped and leaned against the thick stone wall between the path and the sea. ‘What brought this on? Did he say something?’

  Aisling smiled. ‘No. But I’ve seen the way he looks at you, so I have.’

  ‘Bollocks! He’s got a girlfriend and he’s devoted to her.’

  ‘Ah, yes, the mysterious Lebony. Don’t you think it’s convenient that she’s on the other side of the world?’

  ‘Not really. In fact, not at all, poor Ben.’ I shook my head and started walking again. ‘You’ve been reading too many romance novels. Ben doesn’t see me as anything other than a friend and, even if he did – which he doesn’t – it would be bugger all use because I don’t think of him in that way. He’s my best friend’s brother and he’s a good friend and housemate. There’s never been anything more and never will be.’

  ‘You go on convincing yourself of that.’

  ‘Aisling! What’s got into you? Ooh, I know! You’ve seen me looking at him too. Men and women never normally look at each other so it must mean we’re harbouring deep, secret desires for each other.’

  ‘I’d say your man Ben is, but your feelings for him are a bit too deep for you to acknowledge just yet.’

  ‘Bollocks! The reason I haven’t acknowledged them is because they’re non-existent.’

  ‘That’s what you think.’

  I shook my head again. Where the hell had this conversation sprung from? ‘Even if I did have feelings for Ben – which I don’t – and even if he didn’t have a long-term girlfriend – which he does – it would be pointless anyway.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because I have no intention of letting anyone in ever again. I’ve been there and got the battle scars.’ I twiddled my Claddagh ring as images of Daran filled my mind once more. ‘It’s too painful when it ends.’

  ‘But that was an extreme set of circumstances and it only ended because of Da. If he hadn’t interfered, you’d still be together now, wouldn’t you?’

  ‘I’d like to think so, but who knows? What if he’d started resenting me for taking him away from the priesthood? What if he’d started to hate sharing his love for God with me?’

  ‘And what if he realised that the priesthood was ne
ver his calling and a life with you was? And what if he was such a wonderful person that he had plenty of love for you and God? From what you’ve told me, you were made for each other. You’d have made it.’

  We wandered in silence for a moment, only breaking it to say ‘good morning’ to a dog-walker and an elderly woman pushing a buggy.

  ‘Did you think you and Finn were made for each other?’ I asked eventually.

  ‘Of course I did.’ She sighed. ‘Fair point. I believed we’d survive forever, but we didn’t.’

  ‘There you go, then. It’s all heartache and I don’t believe it’s worth it.’

  ‘Lots of relationships end, but there’s always a reason. For Finn and me, the reason was that we should never have got married in the first place. I thought we were made for each other; I was the one who believed in us and I was the one who loved him so deeply that I couldn’t imagine life without him. Finn didn’t feel the same. He certainly cared about me but as soon as he met someone who was the real thing, he was off and I couldn’t blame him. I knew it would happen eventually.’

  I frowned. ‘Really?’

  ‘On our wedding day, I kept expecting him to stop the Mass because he couldn’t go through with it. When he didn’t, I kept telling myself that I needed to do the right thing and stop the ceremony myself, but I selfishly couldn’t. I managed to convince myself that he had to love me a bit if he was willing to go through with the wedding. If a seed of love was there, perhaps it would grow into something bigger. So we both said, “I do” and I spent the rest of our marriage wondering if each day was the day when he’d announce, “I don’t”.’

  ‘Jesus, Aisling! You never told me that. From what you’d said, I thought you’d been happy together until the affair.’

  ‘That’s what I let everyone think.’ She pulled a tissue out of her coat pocket and wiped her eyes. ‘I played the part of the hurt wife who’d known about the affair but had turned a blind eye for the sake of the kids. I pretended I was relieved that it was out in the open and we could end the sham marriage and both start afresh. I never admitted that I’d been expecting him to leave from day one. I told him everything he needed to hear to keep the split amicable for the sake of the kids so that…’

  ‘So that what?’ I asked, when Aisling didn’t continue.

  ‘So that I could still have him in my life.’

  I stopped walking again and looked at my big sister. ‘Oh no! You’re not still…?’

  She sat on the wall, her body twisted so she could stare out at the twinkling sea. ‘Pathetic, isn’t it? He never loved me, he had an affair for three years, then left me for her. He left Ireland and moved to Manchester to be with her and, even though they split up and he didn’t come running back to me, I’m still head over heels in love with the man and would do anything for him. I think that makes me the eejit, doesn’t it?’

  I sat on the wall beside her and took her hand in mine. ‘No. I think it makes him the eejit for not realising a good thing when he had it.’

  She dabbed at her eyes again. ‘He is one. But I’m an even bigger one because, ever since he split up with her, I’ve let him… you know.’

  ‘Friends with benefits? Jesus, Aisling, are you mad?’

  ‘Madly in love?’ She shook her head. ‘I know! You don’t need to lecture me. I lecture myself about it every day, so I do. Because of the kids, I was always going to have to see him, so it was going to be harder to try and get over him. I know that sleeping with him is taking me deeper and deeper into this mess, but he’s so attentive when we’re together that I can almost kid myself that he loves me. Almost.’

  She adjusted her position and put her head on my shoulder. We sat like that in silence for five or six minutes, still holding hands, listening to the gulls, a gentle sea breeze tickling our faces with locks of our hair.

  ‘I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for that coffee,’ Aisling said, squeezing my hand then standing up and stretching.

  We set off walking again. ‘What happened with Finn and her?’ I asked.

  ‘Ironically, it was the same as what happened with Finn and me, only he was the one in deep this time. Turns out she was a big, fat coward and thought that accepting a job in Manchester would bring a natural end to the relationship. Stupid cow hadn’t counted on him following her. She strung him along, house-hunting and everything. They even put a deposit down on a new build. His money, of course. They exchanged contracts and then the day before completion, she dropped the bombshell that she didn’t want to be with him anymore.’

  ‘Bitch.’

  ‘I know! He was devastated. There he was, stuck with a house they’d chosen together, miles away from his kids, and no girlfriend anymore.’

  ‘Could he not have moved back to Cork?’

  ‘His job had gone, not that he’d have wanted to return to it even if it hadn’t. Going to Manchester was a good career move for him – better company, big promotion – and he loves his job, so he decided to make a go of it.’

  ‘What about the two of you? Any chance?’

  ‘I’d have him back like a shot, but only if I could be sure that he’d woken up one day and realised he loved me as much as I loved him. Chances of that? Zero to none.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘Not your fault. We can’t control who we fall in love with.’

  I smiled. ‘No shit. A potential priest would not have been top of my list!’

  ‘And the opinionated, underage daughter of a stroppy, controlling, religion-obsessed bigot probably wasn’t top of his list, either. Yet it worked because you both felt the same way about each other. That’s why it didn’t work with Finn and me, or Finn and her. It’s why it didn’t work with your friend Elise and her ex-husband…’

  ‘That, and the fact that he’s gay.’

  Aisling laughed. ‘True. And that’s why it won’t work between you and Ben. Yet. Because, at the moment, he’s smitten but you’re not. It’ll grow, though. It’ll definitely grow.’

  ‘Seriously, Aisling. Do you want me to push you over the sea wall? Will you stop trying to matchmake Ben and me. We’re just friends.’

  ‘For now.’

  ‘Forever!’

  ‘Hmm. Anyway, I’ll drop the subject for now. Would that be a coffee shop I can see ahead of me like a shimmering oasis?’

  ‘It might be.’

  ‘Then coffees are on me for talking about Ben. I should have realised it was too soon.’

  I gently pushed her towards the sea wall. ‘Final warning!’

  As we continued to walk round The Headland towards the café, a feeling of unrest settled upon me. She was completely and utterly wrong about Ben, wasn’t she? I certainly didn’t feel anything for him, other than friendship and a tremendous amount of gratitude. He’d never given any indication that he felt anything for me, either, had he? I racked my brain. No! He’d always been clear about his devotion to Lebony and that was a huge amount of devotion to keep a relationship going across such a distance. Aisling was way off. Given her revelation about still sleeping with Finn, she needed to get her own love life under control, instead of inventing romances between other people that didn’t exist. What was she thinking?

  31

  Aisling was keen to explore Hearnshaw Park so I left her there while I drove up to the hospital, although I did a bit of a detour through The Old Town. Parked close to Seashell Cottage, I sighed and shook my head. What was I doing there? Yes, I loved the cottage but I was only torturing myself by visiting it. Right now, I had no control over what the future looked like. It all depended on Shannon’s recovery and whether she’d let me be part of their lives.

  Elise looked tired but was upbeat. Her blood pressure had gone down again and her baby was in no immediate danger so all she could do was relax and hope nothing changed for the worse.

  ‘What’s this?’ she asked, as I handed over a sparkly, lilac gift bag once she’d updated me.

  ‘Stevie said you’d been working on your stories.
I thought these might be helpful.’

  She carefully emptied the contents of the bag onto her bed. I’d bought her a selection of notebooks, pens, a planner and Post-it notes in different shapes and colours.

  ‘Clare, that is so thoughtful,’ she said. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘How’s the writing going?’

  ‘I’ve come up with an idea for my tenth novel.’

  ‘Tenth? That’s amazing. If you want anyone to read them, send them over. I could do with the distraction. I don’t know how long it’ll be before I can see Shannon, and I can’t stop thinking and worrying about her. Aisling is here at the moment, the kids will join us tomorrow, but I’ll be on my own from Saturday afternoon with just my thoughts and my guilt for company.’

  ‘How are things going with her?’

  ‘When she heard I’d put in an appearance and had been looking after Luke, she had such a strong reaction that they had to sedate her.’

  ‘Oh my goodness, Clare! That’s awful.’

  ‘Not the best. I felt so sorry for Callum having to deliver that little gem to me.’ I coughed. ‘I’m parched. Is there anywhere I can get a drink?’

  Elise pointed. ‘There’s a water fountain and some cups over there near the nurses’ station.

  When I returned to the ward with fresh water for us both, Elise had another visitor.

  ‘Sarah!’ I put the jug and cups down. ‘Elise didn’t tell me you were coming.’

  ‘She didn’t know. Auntie Kay offered to cover the shop so I could nip over. How are you? I didn’t know you were coming to Whitsborough Bay.’ Sarah might as well have added the missing words ‘and that you clearly weren’t planning to visit me afterwards’ because her intention was very clear.