Coming Home to Seashell Cottage

by Jessica Redland

  So that was that. I was back at Ben’s, playing mum – a role I should have been allowed to adopt more than seventeen years ago. I spent my days at hospital with Luke, visiting Callum, and sitting beside Shannon’s bedside, hoping for positive news. Sometimes Ben would accompany me to the hospital in the evening and other times I’d go on my own and leave Luke in his capable hands. He tried to make out that he struggled with changing nappies, found it challenging to dress Luke, and had the frequent bottle-assembling spillage disasters that I had, but I knew he was only saying it to make me feel better. He was a natural with Luke. What did make me feel a little better was when I ‘accidentally’ forgot to warn him about the urine risk and Luke gave Ben the same welcome he’d given me. Hilarious!

  Callum’s recovery was slower than expected thanks to an allergic reaction to his medication, but Shannon was doing very well. She’d fought off the fever and the cuts and bruises had healed, leaving behind a few tiny scars that were only noticeable if you knew they were there. Dr Kaur assured us that her internal wounds had healed too. The swelling on her brain had reduced and, two weeks after the accident, they started talking about bringing her round. I was elated yet also terrified at the thought.

  I’d become close to Callum and had learned so much about my daughter from him. I’d learned that her favourite colour was yellow because it represented hope and happiness and her favourite passage in the Bible was: ‘And there I will give her back her vineyards and make the valley of trouble a door of hope’ (Hosea 2:15). I knew that fairground carousels terrified her, yet she loved rollercoasters. She was allergic to cats, she’d once dyed her hair green by mistake, and she dreamed of running her own school of dance. Callum showed me videos of her playing the guitar and dancing. She was a versatile and gifted dancer but ballet was her favourite. I knew all of these things about her and had a snapshot into her life through the power of social media. I felt as if I actually knew her as a person, yet she didn’t know me from Adam. Worse than that, she hadn’t given me permission to explore her past and might not be impressed that I’d done so.

  On Saturday morning, Aisling arrived. She’d flown to Manchester the evening before to drop Torin and Briyana off at their da’s, then caught a train to Leeds first thing in the morning. She was going to sleep on Ben’s sofa, having refused to let either of us give up our beds for her, but would check into a local hotel when she picked up the kids on Thursday.

  ‘This is my big sister Aisling,’ I said to Callum, on the Sunday afternoon. I’d left Aisling at Ben’s when I’d visited the day before to give her a chance to settle in.

  They exchanged greetings, then I passed Luke to his daddy for cuddles. When he was settled, Callum reached for my hand. ‘Tomorrow’s the day,’ he said.

  ‘Shannon?’

  He nodded with vigour. ‘They’re going to bring her round.’

  ‘Oh my God!’ Aisling said. ‘That’s amazing news. Will she be okay? Do they know?’

  Callum shrugged. ‘They’re hoping so, but there are no guarantees. You’ll be here, won’t you, Clare?’

  ‘I’d love to, but I don’t know if I should be one of the first people she sees.’

  ‘I talked to Dr Kaur about it. Thought I’d better tell her that you’ve never actually met. She says that Shannon will be, like, very disorientated, and it’s going to be confusing enough having a bunch of doctors and nurses staring at her without introducing anyone else, especially someone she doesn’t know. She wants me to be the only one she sees at first. She’s not likely to be awake for very long. When she wakes up again, Dr Kaur and I can prepare her to meet you. I’d still like you to be here, though.’ Callum squeezed my hand.

  ‘Of course I’ll be here. Should I bring Luke?’

  ‘Dr Kaur says yes. Shannon might ask for him and she doesn’t want her thinking she lost him in the accident and we’re fobbing her off. It’s better that he’s around just in case.’

  I couldn’t sleep that night. I curled up in my duvet, listening to the wind battering the windows, staring at my sleeping grandbaby, snug in his cot. Up until that point, I’d focused mainly (and very selfishly) on how Shannon might react towards me when she came round. I’d pushed aside the thought that she might not come round in the way we hoped. What if she had brain damage? What would that mean for Callum and for Luke? I lit up my mobile for a moment so I could see the time: 3.38 a.m. They were planning to take her out of the induced coma during the morning so, by lunchtime, we’d know either way.

  Shannon’s favourite verse from the Bible kept popping into my mind – God making the valley of trouble into a door of hope. She’d certainly walked through the valley of trouble. Could hers and Callum’s faith in God bring a door of hope? I thought about Daran. He’d have liked that verse. It might even have been one of his favourites too. The more I thought about it, the more familiar it sounded. What would Daran have done in this situation?

  I slowly eased myself into a sitting position on the edge of the bed, clasped my hands and bent my head. I sat like that for a few minutes, watching the steady rise and fall of Luke’s chest. Then I did something I hadn’t done since they told me Shannon had died. I closed my eyes and I prayed.

  28

  ✉︎ To Elise

  Hope all goes well with the midwife today. Let me know. Off to hospital shortly. They’re bringing Shannon round this morning. Moment of truth x

  * * *

  ✉︎ From Elise

  Oh my goodness! Thinking of you all. I’m sure she’ll be OK. Please let me know as soon as you can. Nervous about midwife. Praying my blood pressure has gone down. Glad it’s half term. I’m exhausted. Bet you are too! xx

  * * *

  ✉︎ To Elise

  I am! I’ve forgotten what sleep is! Good luck xx

  ‘Feeling brave?’ Aisling asked, when I’d pulled into a parking space at Jimmy’s.

  ‘Shitting a brick! But I have to put on a brave face for Callum.’

  Aisling squeezed my hand. ‘I know it’s a cliché, but what will be will be.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘I prayed for her last night,’ I said, as we walked across the car park. ‘That’s something I never thought I’d do again.’

  ‘Must be contagious,’ Aisling said. ‘Because I did too.’

  ‘Let’s hope that there is a God, then, and that He was listening. Luke surviving that crash unscathed was a miracle. We need another one for Shannon.’

  ‘You look done in,’ Ben said, as we bathed Luke together that evening.

  ‘I am. I feel like I could close my eyes and sleep for a year.’

  ‘Why don’t I have Luke in my room tonight and give you a chance to sleep through?’

  I shook my head. ‘I can’t ask you to do that.’

  ‘You didn’t ask me. I offered, so quit it with the protests.’

  ‘Ooh, I love it when you turn all alpha male on me.’

  Ben laughed. ‘I don’t think anyone could ever accuse me of being alpha male.’

  He gently sponged Luke’s legs. ‘When do they think you’ll be able to speak to her?’

  ‘Maybe tomorrow. Maybe the day after. I’m just so relieved that the early indications are good.’

  Shannon had opened her eyes a little before ten that morning. Callum told me she’d been very disorientated, as we’d been warned. She knew her name and date of birth, she could remember a lorry veering towards the car, but she couldn’t remember the actual impact. She’d then tried to reach for her stomach, no doubt panicking that something had happened to her baby. Callum had reassured her that they had a healthy baby boy, but she was asleep again before they could fetch him from me. She’d awoken again in the afternoon and had managed to stroke a sleeping Luke. Callum admitted that he’d cried seeing Luke finally being held by his mum. He showed me a photo of the moment, which made me cry too.

  Ben lifted Luke out of the bath and wrapped a bright-yellow hooded towel around him. ‘Don’t you dare pee on me again, young man, or I�
��ll be lodging an official complaint with your mummy when she’s ready for visitors.’

  The hood on Luke’s towel slipped down as Ben stood up with him. ‘Ooh, look, Grandma! I think we might be growing some hair. And, if Uncle Ben isn’t mistaken, I do believe we may have a little ginger baby in the family.’ Ben kissed Luke’s head, then pulled the hood up again. ‘Are you okay, Irish? You’ve gone pale.’

  ‘I’m… It’s…’ I sat down on the edge of the bath. It was there again. Shapes. Shadows. Swirls. Something. Exactly as I’d felt when I’d stood in the farmhouse before Da appeared. I shook my head, trying to dislodge the feeling. ‘I’m just exhausted. Ignore me.’

  ‘You look terrible.’ Ben looked genuinely worried. ‘I think you should go to bed right now before you keel over.’

  ‘We need to move the cot. And I can’t abandon Aisling.’

  ‘Aisling will understand, and don’t worry about the cot. I’ll sleep in your bed and you can sleep in mine. I changed it on Saturday, if you can cope with almost-clean bedding.’

  ‘You haven’t made a crusty mess since then?’

  ‘I don’t even want to think about what you might mean by that. No, I haven’t! Bed. Now.’

  I nodded, kissed Luke’s cheek, kissed Ben’s too, grabbed a fresh pair of PJs from my drawers, then gratefully retreated under Ben’s duvet.

  Sleep overcame me pretty much instantaneously. As I drifted into dreams later, I was back at the farmhouse. And there was something in the shadows. Or someone.

  29

  ‘Are you decent in there? Can we come in?’

  I opened my eyes as Aisling pushed open Ben’s bedroom door and appeared with Luke cradled in one arm and a mug of coffee in her other hand.

  ‘Morning,’ I mumbled. ‘Or is it afternoon already?’

  She smiled as she put the coffee down on Ben’s bedside drawers. ‘It’s just gone eight-forty. Ben’s gone to work. He had a pretty good night with Luke and he says he hopes you got the rest you deserved. How are you feeling?’

  ‘Still pretty tired,’ I yawned, as I wriggled into a sitting position. ‘I had bad dreams last night.’

  ‘I’m not surprised. Your head must be mashed after all the disruption and worry lately.’ She handed Luke to me for a cuddle. ‘I’ve popped some toast in for you so I’ll just get that. Quick shower and we should be at hospital for ten at the latest.’

  ‘I don’t know how you cope with the traffic around here,’ Aisling said, as a driver cut me up on the way to the hospital. ‘It’s so busy.’

  ‘D’you think so? I’m used to London traffic, so this is grand by comparison.’

  ‘I couldn’t do it,’ she said. ‘My blood pressure would be sky high.’

  ‘Arse! Blood pressure. Elise. Can you get my phone out my bag and see if I’ve got a text from her?’

  Aisling reached behind her for my handbag and found my mobile. After I gave her my pin code she declared, ‘No texts.’

  ‘Bollocks. Can you send her a text for me?’ I dictated what I wanted to say, then explained the situation.

  ✉︎ To Elise

  I’m hoping no news is good news. Let me know how it went xx

  As we crossed the car park ten minutes later, my mobile began ringing and my stomach clenched as I saw the name.

  ‘Stevie? Is Elise okay?’

  ‘Not really. She’s in hospital.’

  I stopped walking. ‘Jesus! Is the baby okay?’

  ‘Hopefully. Elise’s blood pressure was really high so the midwife sent her to hospital for monitoring. They did all sorts of tests and checks, and apparently she’s got pre-eclampsia too.’

  ‘Pre-what-ia?’

  ‘Pre-eclampsia. I don’t really know the details, but I know it’s not good for baby or mum. It’s fairly common, though, so they know what they’re dealing with. She had another scan and bean’s fine, but they’ll keep monitoring it. She’s putting on a brave face.’

  ‘What if her blood pressure keeps rising?’

  ‘They’ll put her on medication.’

  I swallowed hard as I formed the next question. ‘What if this clampsie thing gets worse?’

  There was a pause before Stevie said, ‘We could be looking at a premature birth.’

  I put my hand over my mouth. Poor Elise! ‘How far along is she?’

  ‘She’ll be thirty weeks on Thursday.’

  ‘Ten weeks early? Christ, Stevie, is that far enough?’

  ‘I don’t know. I’m trying not to think about it. I’m about to leave for the hospital again now, but I wanted to call you and Sarah first to let you know what’s going on.’

  ‘What did Sarah say?’

  ‘I got her voicemail so I left a message. I’ll try her again later. I’d better go.’

  ‘Okay. Send Elise my love and keep me posted.’

  We said our goodbyes and I hung up. I turned to Aisling. ‘It never rains but it pours.’

  Callum was waiting for us in the corridor outside the ward.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ I asked, panic filling me as I took in the anxious expression on his face. ‘She’s okay, isn’t she?’

  ‘She’s fine. Actually, she’s doing really well.’

  ‘So, why the serious face?’

  ‘She wanted to see Luke so I had to explain why she couldn’t.’

  ‘So she knows?’

  He nodded. ‘The bang on the head hasn’t knocked the feistiness out of her.’

  ‘Feck!’

  Aisling placed a comforting hand on my arm. ‘It was probably just a shock since she thought you wanted nothing to do with her.’

  ‘Did you tell her I didn’t send that letter? Did you tell her I didn’t even know she was alive?’

  He shuffled awkwardly. ‘I kind of didn’t get the chance before—’

  ‘Before what?’

  He wrinkled his nose and shuffled a bit more on his crutches, suddenly appearing fascinated by his shoes. ‘Before they had to sedate her.’

  Aisling’s grip on my arm tightened. I took a deep breath. ‘That bad, eh?’

  ‘Sorry.’

  ‘No. It’s me who’s sorry. I never meant to cause trouble between you two.’

  He shrugged. ‘It was the shock. I told you that she’s a thinker. She’ll strop and sulk for a while, but she’ll think it through and she’ll come round.’

  So my worst-case scenario had come true. Actually, it was worse than that. She’d reacted so badly, she’d had to be sedated. I glanced down at my grandbaby. ‘What do you want to do about Luke?’

  Callum glanced down at Luke too. ‘Same as before. We’re both stuck in here and it’s not the right place for him. I’m still on a ward so I can’t look after him and it will be ages before Shannon can so she’s, like, got no choice for the moment.’

  ‘What about now? She’ll want to see him when she wakes up, won’t she? Do you want Aisling and me to stick around?’

  He sighed and slowly shook his head. ‘Maybe not. Maybe leave Luke with me for now and I’ll ring or text you later about picking him up again. Don’t stress. We’ll get it all sorted. God will show Shannon that it’s the right thing for Luke to be with you, like he showed me.’

  I squirmed at the mention of God but didn’t say anything. If He existed, He owed it to me to bring her round to wanting me in their lives. God had always seemed very real to me when I was with Daran. Everything had seemed very real to me when I was with Daran. But if God had loved Daran as much as Daran had loved Him, why had He taken him in the tsunami? Immediately, Daran’s voice echoed around my mind with his answer: ‘Yes, but what about all those He saved?’

  I felt as if a part of me were missing when I left the hospital without Luke. Aisling draped her arm around me. ‘She just needs time. It’ll be grand.’

  Would it be? I knew what it was like to hold a grudge.

  ‘How about we go shopping?’ she said, when I remained silent. ‘Ben said there’s a shopping centre near here. White Dove or something?’


  Shopping was the last thing I felt like doing, but it struck me that when Aisling had booked her flight for the school holidays, she hadn’t signed up to all of this. Granted, she’d expected to have to amuse herself during the day, as I’d have been working. Instead, I wasn’t working, but she’d been subjected to disturbed nights, and days spent hanging around a hospital waiting room. The least I could do was treat her to a nice lunch and a bit of retail therapy.

  ‘White Rose,’ I said. ‘It’s about five or six miles from here. Shopping it is, then.’

  A spot of shopping would probably do me the world of good.

  I found myself in Zara an hour later, stroking a gorgeous, short, ivory wrap dress with embellished shoulders and waistband, and a low back, imagining how it would look with my nude Louboutins. ‘What do you think of this?’ I said to Aisling, holding it against my body.

  ‘Absolutely gorgeous. I saw that in Practical Parenting last week. It’s what all the mums wear when changing dirty nappies and burping their babies.’

  It took me a moment to register what she’d just said. ‘Jesus! What an eejit I am! When will I ever have a chance to wear something like this with Luke around?’ I hooked the dress back onto the rail. ‘Mind you, if Shannon gets her way, I won’t be allowed to be part of Luke’s—’

  ‘Stop right there,’ Aisling said. ‘I won’t be letting you wallow in this. Shannon’s angry and that’s understandable. When she calms down, Callum will explain what really happened. She won’t suddenly become your BFF and start calling you Mum, but she will want to build a relationship. It’ll be slow and there’ll be hiccups but it will be a relationship. Callum will make sure that happens. You heard what he said. He’s only going along with it just now because he doesn’t want to jeopardise her recovery.’