Finding You: The Complete Box Set (a contemporary MM romance series)

by Ana Ashley

  22

  Tiago

  I could have been punched, shot, stabbed, or all of them at the same time. It still wouldn't hurt as much as seeing the look on Vítor's face when he realized I'd lied to him. I'd known the consequences of holding on to that particular hand grenade, but I still hadn't done anything to disarm it.

  My legs failed to keep me upright, and I fell on the hard ground. I couldn't even make sense of the conversations happening around me because all I could hear were the words Vítor had said to David. They may as well have been for me.

  Why did you lie? Why did you lie? Why did you lie?

  My lungs were struggling to draw a complete breath, and it was as though my body was locked in shock. I tried to calm myself down. I tried to conjure Vítor's soothing voice as he'd calmed me down from one of the many panic attacks I'd had on the run up to rescuing Afonso.

  Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. Repeat.

  He said he was falling for me, didn't he? Would he listen to me if I tried to explain?

  I had to try. I'd spent eight years looking for my brother and had gotten him back. I could be accused of being a liar and a coward, but I was no goddamned quitter.

  "David, I need to go after him. Can you coordinate things here for me?"

  Teresa and Mário both looked like they were in shock. I'd forgotten that Mário wasn't even aware that I was looking for his brother. I owed them both an apology, but I couldn't do it now because any time spent here was time Vítor could be at home packing his bags to go back to Porto.

  "I'll look after everything, Tiago. Please go."

  So I did.

  I ran out of the taxi after dropping more money than I owed for the trip. Traffic had been a nightmare, and I could only hope that if I had been stuck in it, so had Vítor.

  The apartment was silent as I walked in, but I didn't want to give in to the feelings inside me. If I let them take over, I'd crumble on the floor and never get up again, so I hurried to the room to pack a bag. If Vítor had gone back to Porto, I'd be right on his heels.

  I stopped when I saw him sitting on the other side of the bed with a bag by his feet. He was hunched over, and his head was down. He looked broken.

  "Why?" was the only word he said.

  I walked over and kneeled in front of him. I stopped myself from touching him like I wanted.

  "David asked Isaac to look for you last year, but with Isaac moving to New York and me taking over the running of the center, I couldn't do it until a few months ago."

  "Did you know who I was when we met at the bar?"

  "No. I was there to meet Fred, but he cancelled on me. Vítor, you have to believe me, I didn't know who you were that night. God, I didn't even have your name."

  He still hadn't made any eye contact, but he hadn't moved, either, so I saw it as an opportunity to tell him what had happened.

  "Afterwards, Fred wasn't around and I needed something to focus on, so I went to see David. That's when he told me what had happened to you. I was trying to build a picture of who you were. That same night was when I came to the apartment and you were here.

  "At the time, you were only the guy I'd had a great evening with at the bar and who kissed like a god."

  He let out a laugh but still didn't look up.

  "Then you were there for me and you listened without judgment. We hadn't known each other long, and you were already taking small pieces of my heart and restoring them for me. David gave me some old photos he believed had you in them. I didn't make the connection until I saw the drawing on your wall."

  I pulled my wallet from my pocket and took the small photo out. Vítor looked pained as he took the photo and let his fingers stroke the faces of the younger version of himself and then Paula.

  "I didn't know how to handle it. I should have said something right then."

  "Why didn't you?"

  "Because I was a coward who had needed you too much. I was selfish. I took all the comfort you were giving me, and I was afraid that if I told you the truth, you'd never want anything to do with me. I was afraid you didn't want to be found."

  "You lied. You asked me about the photo after you already knew who I was and heard me talk about everything I went through." His voice was so quiet and broken.

  "I'm so sorry."

  Vítor got up and picked up the bag.

  "Please, don't go." My eyes were burning from all the tears.

  "I could have handled anything, Tiago. Anything, except the lies."

  "I was going to tell you everything. Please believe me. I was just wai—" He held his hand up to stop me.

  "That's the problem. People only admit to lying when they're found out, and sometimes, it's just too late to do anything about it."

  "Vítor."

  He stared out of the window and spoke so quietly I wasn't sure if it was for me, him, or someone else.

  "It was my life, too. I had the right to know and then you fucking died, leaving behind the lies and the hurt. How could you think we would never find out? How could you, Rodrigo?"

  His shiny blue eyes that were once full of life, desire, and love were now only puddles of grief.

  Before he walked out of my life for good, I went into the guest bedroom. It didn't take me long to find what I was looking for.

  I couldn't go after him because his words had sealed our fate, but I could give him something else. Taking his hand, I placed on his palm the small bunch of dried flowers he'd left behind on the night we'd met.

  He let out a small gasp and held my gaze for a moment before he closed his eyes and shook his head.

  "I'm sorry, I can't do this. I can't do it a second time."

  As I walked up the stairs to the second floor of the center, I was relieved that none of the activities of the fundraiser extended to this floor. Apart from a tour of the facilities we'd done earlier for a few select donors who wanted to see what their support had paid for, the floor wasn't being used.

  I opened the door to the nearest room and went straight to the enclosed bathroom to empty the contents of my stomach down the toilet. Not that there was much to bring up since I hadn't been able to eat anything since Vítor walked out of the apartment and my life less than twenty-four hours ago.

  If I'd had a choice, I'd be hiding in my bedroom and drowning my sorrows in some form of alcohol, except I'd never been a big drinker and I had responsibilities I couldn't hide from. Instead, I did now what I'd done when my brother had gone missing.

  I'd buried my emotions deep down inside and carried on with what needed to be done.

  I'd arrived at the center earlier than I needed to, and I'd been on automatic pilot since.

  Making sure everything was ready for the fundraiser, check.

  Greeting volunteers and helpers, check.

  Greeting guests and doing tours of the center, check.

  Unveiling the new wall art with the kids, check.

  Smiling for photographs, check.

  Talking to the press, check.

  Finally, being able to escape and give myself some time to give in to the pain was my own reward for keeping it together so well all night. I only needed a few minutes alone and then I'd be able to get back downstairs for the rest of the evening.

  I wanted to cry at the unfairness of it all. Vítor and I had met by chance at the bar, and his lease of the apartment was another coincidence like the universe was trying hard to bring us together.

  I wanted to lash out at David for asking me to look for Vítor, and I wanted to lash out at Mário for not standing up to their father earlier, but most of all, I wanted to lash out at myself for keeping it all a secret.

  If I'd told Vítor the truth when I'd realized who he was, the choice to see his family would have been his. We may even have had a chance of staying together, and if we hadn't, at least it would have happened before I'd gone and fallen for him.

  The door to the room opened. David had put on his professional mask, but I knew him well enough to tell he was struggling with
what had happened.

  He sat next to me on the single bed and put his hand on my shoulder.

  "How are you holding up?"

  I shook my head because I was afraid of what I might say if I tried to form words to explain how I was feeling.

  "Is he gone for good?"

  "Yes."

  David put his arms around me and pulled me into a hug.

  "I was stupid and selfish," I said.

  "No, you weren't. He's so easy to be around, isn't he?"

  I nodded into his chest. That was exactly it; Vítor had such a calming presence. He'd made it so easy to forget everything else when it was just us.

  "I think you should go after him."

  "He doesn't want anything to do with me. He said as much."

  "He may be hurt, but he cares for you. I've seen you together over the last two months."

  I was going to interrupt, but David put his hand over my mouth.

  "If you're going to say what I think you are, then you can shut it. You were as good for him as he was for you. Let's take that show downstairs home so you can have a good night's sleep before you go get your man tomorrow."

  Tomorrow ended up being the weekend because the fundraiser had been such a success that in the last two days, I'd only managed to go home to shower and put my head down for a few hours.

  The truth was, the longer I put off going to Porto, the less likely it would be that I'd do it, and I knew it. Afonso called me on it and I tried to use him as an excuse, but he called me on that, too.

  My little brother, who wasn't so little anymore, told me I didn't have to worry about him because he was going to spend the weekend hanging out with Bruno. They'd become friends after meeting at the center, and Afonso often took the train to Caparica on his own to see Bruno. If that wasn't proof that he was doing well, I wasn't sure what would be, and I was so damned proud of him.

  My hands felt cold and clammy the whole drive to Porto. I'd left early enough so I could see Vítor and still be able to drive back the same day if I had to.

  Managing my expectations was my only way to somehow protect myself from what could happen. I had to be prepared to knock on a door that would remain closed.

  My first stop was at the cemetery. There was a fresh bunch of daisies on Rodrigo's grave, so I placed the bunch I'd brought with me next to it and sat on the grass.

  Unlike the last time I was here, I didn't talk. I didn't know what to say to Rodrigo. I'd promised him that I'd tell Vítor the truth, but I'd failed to do that, so the only thing I could do was apologize. I also asked him to keep an eye on Vítor. That had been another broken promise from my part.

  It took me a good thirty minutes to build myself up for ringing the bell at Vítor's house. When there was no answer, I went back to my parked car and waited. I had a clear view of the gate so I'd see when Vítor arrived.

  An hour later, a car approached the gate. Vítor came out of the passenger side and went around to the driver. He said something and then the driver came out of the car. The guy was a statue, tall and built; if he were made of marble, he'd be in a museum.

  My heart dropped when they embraced and then the big guy put his hands on Vítor's face and placed a small kiss on his lips. They exchanged a few more words and then the guy got in his car and drove off, leaving Vítor to go through the smaller gate into the property.

  The kiss hadn't been a lover's kiss, which made it worse because now I knew there was someone in Vítor's life that could give him the comfort he hadn't been able to get from me in that moment when he was face-to-face with his brother for the first time in years.

  The guy looked to be closer in age to Vítor, and from a few photos Vítor had shared of Rodrigo, this guy was a similar build. Maybe this was the person Vítor needed to be with. Someone he was close to who would never hurt him in the same way I did.

  I was numb as I made my drive back to Lisbon, and my only good thoughts were that Vítor wasn't alone and I had my brother with me now.

  By walking away now, I'd be keeping my promise to Rodrigo that Vítor wouldn't be alone.

  I'd just have to keep reminding myself that all I'd ever wanted was my brother back. Nothing else.

  As tears ran from my eyes, I knew this was just another lie, except this time, I was lying to myself.

  23

  Vítor

  I loved Mateus and Luís, but if they turned up at the house one more time with the excuse that they wanted a recipe, use the pool, pick up some books, or any such random reasons, I was going to murder them.

  Mateus had found me asleep on the sofa three days after I'd been back. He'd thought I'd been drinking and had passed out. I couldn't really blame him for thinking that because I'd still been in the same clothes I'd arrived in and the coffee table was full of cups, plates full of toast crumbs, and a few beer and wine bottles.

  He'd made me get up and have a shower, then he'd cooked me a proper meal and made me tell him what had happened.

  As a child, Mateus had asked why he didn't have any grandparents like the other kids at school. We hadn't kept it a secret that Dri's parents had died before he was born, and I didn't have a relationship with mine.

  When he was questioning his bisexuality as a teenager, we always talked openly about the challenges of being LGBT, but also expressed that we would always support him no matter what. At the time, I didn't tell him what had happened to me because I thought he was too young to hear it, and I didn't want him to think bad things happened to all LGBT people.

  He was an adult now, so I had told him everything, and then I'd told him about Tiago. He hadn't asked any questions or tried to convince me I was wrong or too hasty leaving Lisbon. There was no need because I was already doing that to myself.

  Two days later, Luís had asked if he could come over for dinner, which was unusual because no one could ever get him out of his studio on a school night. I realized very shortly that Mateus had spoken to him when he hadn't even questioned my strong feelings for Tiago.

  "Vítor, you were always very easy to love and loved very easily," he'd said, "that's why we became friends even after Rodrigo stole you from me that night."

  "And look what that got me. A dead husband and a whole load of heartache."

  "That's because you're focusing on the hurt of the past instead of fighting for the future."

  "Aren't you full of wisdom tonight," I'd said.

  Despite the jokes, what Luís had said stuck with me, but two weeks later, I was still working from home and considering what to do. Bernardo had been extremely supportive when I'd told him I had a family emergency and needed to be in Porto, but I did have meetings I needed to attend, so I'd gone as far as packing my bags and dropping them by the door.

  The apartment in Lisbon was still technically mine, although I didn't know if Tiago had gone back to his old place. Part of me wished he was still there and part of me wished he wasn't. I'd come to the realization that I was irrevocably in love with Tiago, which made it all the harder because as hurt as I was with what he'd done, my heart was starting to understand the reasons behind it. I would have to come to a decision about the future soon.

  The postman had already been by, so I was surprised when the bell rang since Mateus had a key and Luís was out of town this weekend. When I looked at the screen that was connected to the small camera by the gate, I was surprised to see David's face. I pressed the remote control to open the gate and then opened the front door.

  David came barreling in, walking past me toward the living room. I didn't have a chance to speak before he went off.

  "I know what happened to you was terrible and shouldn't have happened, but you don't know the other side of the story. You don't know how much my uncle hurt when you ran away. You don't know what it did to him, to our family. Not to mention Tiago. Do you know when he was last in a relationship? Never. You know why? No, I guess you don't know that, either. Do you think he gives his heart up for just anyone?"

  He let out an angry cry and
sat on the sofa with his head in his hands, then he was quiet until I heard his quiet sobs.

  "David," I said, sitting on the other side of the sofa.

  He wiped the tears from his face. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. It was unfair, and I just…"

  "Why are you here?"

  "Because they're all hurting, and I don't know how to help them. It's like they went back to how it was before, except it's worse."

  I took a deep breath. It was time for me to start acting like the older adult I was. If I ended up being the one that got hurt, so be it. I still had my son and my best friend.

  "David, let's start from the beginning."

  I repeated the same story I'd shared with Tiago and Mateus, and I had to admit that the more I told it, the easier it was to remember that it was all in the past. Had my injuries not required hospital treatment, I would have had to endure years of abuse from my father, I wouldn't have met Julia and Dri, and I wouldn't have my son. As I retold the story to David, it was the first time in my life that I saw the positives that came from such an ugly event.

  "No," David said, "Uncle Mário went to see you in hospital, but you were gone. He searched for you everywhere he could think, but he never found you. They cut ties with your father after that. I think he died not long after, and your mom a couple of years later. I don't remember her."

  I was in shock. My brother had done the right thing after all. Even though I wasn't around, he'd still stuck up for me against our father.

  "Where's your cousin?"

  "I don't have any cousins."

  "Teresa was pregnant when it all happened. I was going to be an uncle."

  David stared at me; his eyes red from crying. I remembered Mário saying he was Paula's son, and I could see it because he looked so much like her.

  "They lost the baby. Aunt Teresa had a miscarriage."

  "No." I shook my head. "No, that couldn't have happened to them. They were so happy about becoming parents."