Make Me Whole: Oil Barrons, Book 1

by Marie Johnston

  I waited for that moment. For the tears. For the hole to wrench open wider.

  Only a steady throb that made me want to scissor my legs remained. The longing was there. I missed my husband. If I orgasmed, I wanted it to be with him. With him, I’d been safe. Cherished. But he was gone. There was just me, and I was curious what, if anything, worked for me now, and if I wanted it to.

  Who was Kennedy Barron, and how did she handle being horny?

  Feeling like I needed physical relief brought up more questions.

  If I could handle being horny, could I handle dating? Making a profile on an app?

  Was I ready?

  The latter questions were for another time. Right now, I was going to go with this feeling until I came or I cried or both. Like with cleaning out the closet and the drawers, figuring out how our automatic payments for the mortgage were set up, signing up for health insurance under my name with my new job, I had to do this. On my own.

  I rolled off the couch, shut off the lights and went to my bedroom. No matter what happened, I’d go to the cemetery tomorrow and talk to Derek about it. Maybe meet with my therapist. Or both.

  Liam parked outside his garage. His was more spacious than mine, also detached, but filled with so much of his grandpa’s stuff that Liam would have a hard time fitting a bicycle in there. There were already at least six. Bob Pewter hadn’t been able to throw anything away. He’d been a pack rat, but Grandma Gin hadn’t been able to get rid of his more eccentric collections, like bicycles and record players with no records.

  Liam, Eli, Owen, and I had spent the day in Bismarck. Liam had picked me up and we all drove down, playing I Spy games from Coal Haven to the interstate. When we returned to Coal Haven, Liam had asked if I wanted to be dropped off at home. I’d said I wanted to unload the items he’d picked up at the salvage yard and we’d selected at the thrift stores. Liam thought he could bulk up his booth with colorful, functional furniture. We’d stopped for chalk paint supplies. I’d added some design ideas, and Liam had chosen the paint colors I recommended.

  I hadn’t been ready for the day to end. The endless energy swirling around Liam and the kids was a security blanket. It reminded me of having my own classroom, where I was the hub and the others were the welcome chaos. After being so sick most of my teenage years and missing the parties and the sleepovers and the noise, I had fed on it.

  Liam killed the engine and twisted around to look in the back seat. “We’re going to pay for today.”

  It was like two tiny little Liams napped in the back seat. The boys were losing their toddler cherub cheeks, and they’d insisted on having their hair cut like their dad’s. Short on the sides, longer on top.

  When I looked at those two, so peaceful in sleep, all was right in my world. “They’re going to be awake until midnight.”

  “Yup.” Liam got out and opened the door on Eli’s side. “I’ll be back for Owen.”

  “I got him.” I cradled Owen to my chest. His bleary amber eyes opened, but he rested his head against my shoulder. I leaned my face on his head as I carried him in. Muscles I hadn’t exerted in a while, or ever, protested.

  I could start working out or, at the very least, going for walks like I used to during the summer when I wasn’t teaching. I could start yoga again. When I made it a regular habit, the residual ache in my joints from having chronic Lyme disease didn’t bother me as much. I could find some online videos. I’d had an emotional breakdown, and much of me lived in fear of another, but I could prevent a physical one.

  I’d never joined the gym on our limited budget, and it wouldn’t be happening now that the mortgage and benefits were coming out of my paycheck. Derek’s life insurance had gotten me through the worst of the grief, but what little was left needed to last until I got a higher-paying position. Anything left over was my only safety net.

  Liam laid Eli on one end of the couch, and I put Owen on the other side, grateful I hadn’t dropped him. Both boys stayed asleep. I pushed my hair back, a sense of accomplishment prompting a smile.

  “Ready to unload?” Liam’s eyes sparkled. The end table and two-drawer chest were the lightest items we’d brought back. The rest were steel rods and chunks from the scrap yard.

  Anyone other than Liam would encourage me to wait with the kids. But Liam would probably turn it into a race just to see how I’d hold up. So I beat him to it. “I’ll race you.” I darted out of the house as quietly as I could.

  His chuckle drifted behind me. Outside, his long strides caught up to me, and he tapped me on the shoulder. “Gotcha.”

  I slowed to a walk, giggling. “It was worth a shot.”

  “I don’t need to spend my ten days home nursing a sore back. I’ll pull around to the shop. You wanna open it up?” He tossed me the keys.

  I let out a delighted squeal when I caught them and shared a grin with Liam. The way the green glinted in his eyes made my heart stammer. His laughter sent a flush through my body. I whirled around, willing my hormones to settle down. I’d given myself one orgasm. Was my body going to start reacting to a man? This wasn’t an appropriate time—or an appropriate guy. Liam was a good person, but he was a friend.

  I unlocked the entry door, flipped the lights on, and punched the button for the overhead door. It creaked open. The sound might be enough to wake the kids. They’d either stay asleep while Liam and I unloaded, or they’d watch as much TV as they could sneak in before Liam made them turn it off. Either way, I’d be alone with Liam.

  The thrill of our unfinished race lingered along with the lick of heat. Would I need to go home and get myself off again tonight? I was comfortable with what had happened. The orgasm had been a release I hadn’t known I needed. It was like I’d been handed sixty years back, like here, you’re not a withered crone.

  I waited just inside the shop as Liam backed the pickup in. Unloading was just the distraction I needed from my X-rated thoughts. We worked side by side. I missed being this comfortable around someone. Just existing together. Doing activities next to each other without the what should I say? awkwardness.

  “We’re working up an appetite,” Liam said, brushing the back of his wrist across his brow. “I’m gonna hafta feed you again.”

  My stomach rumbled as if the pizza I’d had at the alien-themed restaurant in Bismarck had burned off as soon as it hit my stomach. “You don’t need to feed me.”

  He hefted long bars of steel, his biceps flexing and veins protruding in his forearms. It was the last load, so I leaned against the side of the pickup and crossed my arms over the top. My gaze stuck on his muscled back as he carried his load into the shop. His shirt was untucked and the hem made a one-sided frame above his butt as it flexed with each step.

  I blinked and ripped my gaze away. These hormones.

  This longing.

  Should I get serious about dating? I’d caught myself staring at Liam too often today to deny that I was moving into another phase of my life. I couldn’t have this affect how I was around Liam. My online Sexy, Young, and Widowed support group would have good advice.

  He stopped by the back of the pickup. The scent of his aftershave wafted between us. I’d always liked that he didn’t douse himself in cologne. He’d said he’d sweat it off anyway when he got to work. “I have to feed the boys. You know they’re going to wake up starving.”

  “Because they talked all the way through their meal about the games they wanted to play in the arcade?”

  He chuckled and leaned against the tailgate of his pickup, facing me. “They’re going to be up late, so it’s no problem to eat before we run you home.”

  I did want to stay longer. I loved being around Liam and his kids and witnessing what a naturally good dad he was after the piece of crap he’d had for a father. I also loved his place. Sounds of crickets, frogs, and birds mingled and soaked into my bones. A light breeze ruffled my hair and cooled the exertion from unloading the bed of Liam’s truck. I turned around, propped myself against his pickup, not caring i
f I was going to get a backside full of dust, and dropped my head back.

  “It’s so peaceful here.” I used to love going to Derek’s place after we started dating. I let out a soft exhale. I loved my in-laws. But it was easier to enjoy the peace of country living when I was at Liam’s than when I was at Bruce and Willow’s.

  I opened my eyes and looked at Liam. His steady gaze was on me, his expression unreadable. He was respecting my time. He could tell I was enjoying the moment. Energy zinged between us, an awareness of him I wasn’t ready for.

  So I brought up a topic that doused that spark. “What was with the whole fence thing? They don’t want to fix any of it?”

  Irritation flashed through his expression. He didn’t bother to cover it. Another thing I appreciated about him. He didn’t feel like he had to hide from me. “They want Grandma Gin to sell sooner than later, and to sell to them.”

  “But they’re nearing their own retirement years. What would they do with more land?”

  His smile was grim. “The Barrons have always tried to gobble up land. It’s why they don’t get along with the Grangers. But Grandma Gin heard Derek’s brother mention his interest in moving back home. I’m sure Bruce thinks he can hand over an empire.”

  “Evander’s moving home?” Why hadn’t Bruce or Willow mentioned anything? Derek and his brother hadn’t been close, but his parents’ relationship with Evander was even more complicated. Maybe they didn’t know what to think themselves.

  “Who knows?” He shifted his stance, his boots grinding in the gravel. “I just know I don’t want to sell to my father or any of his siblings or my cousins, and I don’t want them to make it hard to sell, period.”

  The way he frowned as he said it made me wonder if he wanted to sell at all. He’d been optimistic about the house, but now that Grandma Gin had given him a rough deadline, he hadn’t been as enthused as before.

  “Would you sell it to…yourself?”

  A moment of longing passed over his features before he shook his head. “I could never afford it.”

  “Never?” I prompted, no idea why. He’d been open about his pay and how he could cover his rent, Grandma Gin’s, and not much more. But this was Liam’s childhood home. His kids loved being here. I enjoyed having them here.

  “I mean…maybe I could get a loan, but for the house and land? I dunno.” He adjusted the brim of his hat, a move he made when he was frustrated, irritated, or conflicted.

  “You’ve thought of it though?” He had, and he didn’t want to admit it. It was written across his tight shoulders and in the set of his jaw. I’d gotten to know Liam better in the last year and a half and could do more than admire his looks. I could read his body language.

  He pinned me with his intense hazel stare, the vivid green of his irises captivating me. “What if nothing’s changed?”

  I didn’t want to encourage him to stay if he’d be miserable, but selling the place was clearly starting to weigh heavily on him. I didn’t know what was best. “You’ve changed. You don’t have to tolerate being treated like you were.”

  “There’s the issue of getting a job. If I start applying to the coal mine or the power plant, my dad might find out and interfere again.”

  Damn Cameron and his asshole ways. It probably wasn’t just him, either. After a few family dinners Cameron and his wife, Naomi, had attended, I’d assumed she was just as much of the push behind driving Liam away as Cameron was. Possibly more, since she’d been the humiliated new mom that had been cheated on. “It’s been a few years. Your record of work should speak for itself.”

  “I don’t trust people not to listen to my father and stupid rumors.”

  Cameron and Naomi were woven into the community. Liam was on the fringes. They thought he was the kid who’d burned down the barn and cost his grandparents their ranch. Grandpa Bob had accidentally set the fire when he’d tried to quickly weld something into place, and Liam had been content to let the rumors fly about him rather than his grandpa. I suspected Cameron had used the story to keep businesses from hiring Liam.

  He was a twenty-seven-year-old single father who supported his grandma but got treated like he was seventeen.

  Liam grinned, a wicked glint that sent tingles down my spine to my toes. “I could be ornery and let the Grangers know before we officially list it, ask them if they want to make an offer.”

  Hearing the Granger name made me want to shudder. Laney Granger had been a blunt-speaking force in our teens. I hadn’t met her parents, but I’d heard she was a milder version of her mom. Milder? Laney could draw blood with her words. I wasn’t a timid high schooler anymore. I was a timid twenty-six-year-old, and I hoped I didn’t cross paths with her now that she was back in town.

  Then guilt curled through my lungs, making it hard to breathe. I wasn’t the only one suffering. Laney was home for a reason. Just like Derek’s brother, Evander, was coming home because Derek wasn’t going to be the kid who kept the ranch going after Bruce and Willow were gone. Laney’s brother could no longer take over their ranch. She’d moved back to do it.

  “Now that Laney’s home,” Liam continued, “she might want a place of her own.”

  Laney living in Liam’s home? The wrongness sank into my bones. No one should be living here but him or Grandma Gin. Another woman? My stomach cramped. It didn’t feel right.

  Liam pushed off the truck and walked toward the house. I did the same to keep myself from staring at his swagger as he wandered off. “No matter what, tomorrow I’m fixing the fence.”

  “I thought Bruce did it.”

  “He did. But I went out last night after I got home. There’s another section that needs repair. If I do it, he can’t take the money away from Grandma Gin.”

  “Want help?” I wasn’t terribly productive today. We’d had fun and had gotten supplies. But being out of the house the entire day with people I enjoyed being around was exactly what I’d needed. One day wasn’t enough. Especially if Liam really was moving.

  “I don’t want Bruce and Willow to give you another grinding down, but you’re always welcome to help.”

  Right. Bruce worked every day, driving here and there and checking on his land and cattle. He might very well see me helping Liam stretch wire. “I don’t want to make trouble for you either.”

  Liam opened the door to the house. Voices drifted from the living room. The boys were awake. “One thing I can guarantee, Kenny, is that none of the trouble in my life is caused by you.”

  Chapter 4

  Liam

  * * *

  I cut Eli’s pancake into squares. He’d speared a sausage link with his fork and was chewing on one end. Silverware clattered around us. I’d grown up coming to this diner with Grandma Gin. Grandpa had never come to town with us. I thought he hadn’t liked the food. Then I’d gotten older. Saw the looks people gave us. Saw the tightening in Grandma Gin’s shoulders when we went to the bank or to the store or the tractor supply place on the edge of town. Her friends worked at the diner and she’d felt comfortable here. Everywhere else, I was Cameron Barron’s bastard, and the gossip about the night Mom died never went out of style.

  I set the knife down. “There. Don’t drown them in syrup.” I glanced at Owen’s plate. He’d ripped his pancake in half and speared it like Eli had the sausage. “Put that down. We’re not cavemen.”

  Eli screwed his face up as he dumped Log Cabin all over his plate. “Cavemen ate pancakes?”

  A large shadow loomed over us. “What are you teaching your kids, Liam?” Holden swung into the booth, bumping Owen over with a grin.

  “Holden!” Owen and Eli said in unison.

  My cousin was like a celebrity. I wasn’t sure if it was because Holden treated them like his buddies, only smaller, and with cleaner language, or if it was because I didn’t bring many people around. I might suffer assholes that were usually my relatives, like I was paid a million a year to do it, but my kids didn’t have to.

  Holden ruffled Owen’s hair li
ke a soft noogie and lifted his chin to Eli. The waitress who’d served me when I was the kids’ age stopped over. “Usual for you today, kiddo?”

  Holden was as tall as me. His heavy shoulders took up most of the forty-year-old booth. Only a five-year-old could fit next to him. But Holden grinned the same way he probably had when he was five and Jocelyn had waited on him. “Yes, ma’am.”

  She gave him a sweet smile that made me wonder if she was going to muss his hair like he had Owen’s, but she hurried away.

  I dug into my everything omelet. Holden eyed it. “Thought you’d be sick of eating out.”

  “I don’t eat out much.” At his raised brow, I explained. “I pack sandwiches for lunch. Sometimes I buy a few subs to get me through the week cuz I get sick of packing lunch. When I leave in the morning, I grab my lunchbox, a Pop-Tart, and a banana. By the time I get off work, I’d have to go shower before I went to a place with decent food or go through fast food.” I poked my fork at him. “Drive-throughs got old after the first year.”

  Holden grunted. “I’m not used to living in a place with more than a Tasty Queen that’s open only in the summer.” The only drive-through place in town. Fast food in Coal Haven was that or the Hot Stuff pizza in the gas station.

  “I miss home-cooked meals. If it doesn’t come out of a box and can’t be grilled, I don’t make it.”

  “I cook. You’ve gotta come over. Bring your wingmen.”

  Eli’s wide eyes turned on me. “Can we go to Holden’s, Dad?”

  I studied my cousin. Who was he trying to piss off by having me and the boys over? The guys I worked with and around in Williston were either single and out looking for hookups, or they had families and were like me. When work was done, we shot home as fast as possible. Some guys were a mixture of both, and I tried to stay away from that drama waiting to happen. My life had been affected enough by a cheating husband.