Love Like Crazy

by Emma Chamberlain

  A bus was unloading in the parking lot. It was a shuttle from the overflow lot nowhere near the field. People shuffled off of it already excited for the game. I noticed the Green Valley sweatshirts and jackets. Only a few people were wearing them but still it made my stomach hurt since I knew the chances of somebody knowing me were kind of high.

  "Shit," I muttered.

  The line moved up and I quickly ordered a churro and a hot coffee.

  "You excited for tonight?"

  "Oh, yeah," I smiled.

  "You should be. That's your girl," Sarah smiled.

  "Yeah," I laughed and nodded. It was a little embarrassing. No one here really knew me for who I was. They all knew me as Charli's girlfriend. I'd been diminished in a way but it wasn't the worst. Before word got around school about us I was the new kid that people were constantly thinking about. Once I got with Charli people stopped wondering why I got in and instead began to wonder about why I was gay and how Charli figured it out.

  It was humorous actually.

  "I hope she wins," Sarah smiled.

  "Thanks," I laughed, taking my coffee from her. "I hope she does too."

  "Oh, hey, and I know it's a long shot but if you wanna help us next year we could definitely use you."

  "Uh," my mind blanked. "I dunno," I said. "I might not even be here next year."

  "What?" Sarah was obviously sad to hear what I'd said. The sadness made my heart hurt a little since I hadn't expected her to care.

  "Uh. I just mean. My parents and I havent talked and they're a little unpredictable. I'd hate to get excited about staying and then not be able to."

  "That's terrible," Sarah said.

  "Yeah," I laughed it off. "But I'll think about it. If I do get to come back."

  The person behind me started to order. Sarah made a pouty face at me so I moved and waved goodbye.

  Explaining anything to people here felt fruitless for a long time. If my parent's goal was to keep me from boys Hanover worked but something told me they hated Vic too. Friendships with other girls might spark more unwelcome animosity from them. Even introducing them to Charli felt dumb.

  I put some milk in my coffee and wandered back up to the bleachers where Charli's parents were talking and laughing with some other adults their age.

  I sat down beside them and felt a lot more comfortable. No need to talk was always better for me. It was easy to blend.

  The bleachers across the way were so packed that I'd honestly never seen it so full. My mind drifted back to my first game here, how empty the stands were.

  Once I sat, the game started quickly. I became lost in the ritual of it, watching and cheering whenever Charli's parents did. It was a tight game but right before the half Charli managed to sneak in a goal. The stands went nuts. Everyone stood and screamed and clapped. I did too but I always felt like some imposter that people could see through. I wanted the game done but the game ending only brought us closer to summer.

  The Europe trip hung over me now. I'd been right in being skeptical about seeing her throughout the summer. I knew it wouldn't happen.

  My chest hurt now even thinking it. If we didn't see each other all summer Charli might fall in love with someone else. Or she might resent me and blame me. Just like Vic.

  A tear slipped out of my eye. It was so cold out I could definitely blame it on that. I touched at the corners of my eyes with my cold fingertips, being careful not to touch my makeup and mess myself up.

  Charli came up to the front of the stands to see us before the second half started.

  "How's that?" She wondered, teasing me.

  "Uh. I guess you did good," I teased.

  "You guess?"

  "Mhmm… You did okay," I shrugged.

  She rolled her eyes but I could tell she couldn't stop smiling. We got a second together and she practically bowled me over with a kiss.

  "Wow! Watch it there kiddo," her dad laughed.

  "I know I'll do better in the second half," her eyes burned bright with both lust and determination.

  "Good luck," I said, overtaken. The kiss had been much more than a: hey, how are ya? Or see you soon.

  I'd been nervous about PDA in front of her parents but she obviously wasn't. The kiss and her overly cocky demeanor only served to kickstart my sexdrive and leave me in the lurch.

  I rolled my eyes and laughed. What a little shit.

  Walking down to get a snack or something, I hung off the metal railing, midstair, caught up in how she was.

  "You're looking kinda dreamy," a familiar voice said.

  My eyebrows scrunched together and I looked down in the near dark to see Vic leaning against the chain link fence at the bottom stair.

  "Hey," I said, uncomfortable.

  "That's all I get?"

  I looked back to Charli's parents. They were whispering to each other, having a good time back in their seats.

  "What do you want," I wondered skeptically.

  Despite my better judgement, I walked down the steps to get closer to her.

  How was it possible that after everything she'd done she'd somehow managed to become more beautiful?

  "Come on," she said, taking my hand and nodding her head toward the entry gate.

  "Where are we going?"

  "To talk," she said.

  "I'm not leaving," I stopped.

  "Why?!" Vic wondered, annoyed.

  "This is Charli's last game," I said.

  "And you love her?" Vic asked.

  A few of the girls walking by must've overheard us. As soon as they passed us they started to whisper excitedly.

  "Here," I said, spotting an opening in the gate. It was a passageway that led beneath the bleachers. It was darker but also quieter under there. The musty smell of old dirt in the cold reminded me of my old school. It wasn't the smartest choice, rendezvous beneath the parental but Vic was unpredictable and talking out it public could be much worse. "Whatever you want to say, you can say it here."

  "I'm not the one with unresolved issues," Vic mumbled. "Do you have any idea how fucking hard it is not to kick that girls ass?"

  "Who? Charli? Why?" I asked, annoyed.

  "Are you kidding?" Vic scoffed. "She's nothing fucking like us Lo."

  "No. Don't," I said, bothered. These were thoughts I agreed with which only made her words worse.

  "Why not?!" Vic asked, more annoyed. It was almost like we were back to before, before Hanover, back to a time when we were actually friends. "You threw a mug at my brother's car, Lo."

  "Yeah, so?"

  "So. I'm here," she groaned, frustrated.

  We stood a few feet apart, each of us leaning back on a metal pole and hiding our hands from each other. "I fucking get it, okay? You're mad at me. You want things from me."

  "I don't," I said.

  "No Lo. You do," Vic said. She pushed off the pole and came to stand in front of me in the dark. "You let that girl lecture me on love," she whispered angrily. "Like I don't fucking know a thing."

  "I didn't tell her to say that."

  "Does it matter?"

  "It should," I defended myself. "She doesn't understand," I confessed sadly. It was frustrating that Vic was right. A tear slipped down my cheek and I wiped it off.

  Vic took my hand and held her extra palm against my cheek. She was so close suddenly. out of nowhere. I felt her lips on mine. Her tongue sliding inside my mouth.

  It was weird. Familiar or something.

  Maybe all my old days of pining for her kept me suspended before I could honestly process what was happening and react.

  Her tongue slid into my mouth, deep. A sick feeling overtook me. I moaned to get her to stop but she held my face and moaned back, keeping me there.

  "Jesus," I panted, once she finally let up enough to let me breathe. I pushed on her chest hard with my free hand. "Stop it," I spat.

  "What's a matter beautiful? Not the right time?"

  "Fuck you," I growled.

  Vic stepped close again an
d touched my face, sniffing me like a predator. I felt the tip of her nose move up the side of my face.

  There was cheering above us. I held my stomach and felt it ache.

  "Isn't this what you always wanted," Vic baited. "For me to want to touch you? Fuck you?"

  She slid her hand down onto my boob and squeezed.

  I felt a hurt whine escape my lips. My nails dug into the back of her neck and I scratched her.

  "What the fuck Lo?!" She yelled.

  "Stop it," I cried out. It wasn't that she was stronger physically. It was that she was doing this at all, messing with me. After everything.

  Her hand came up and slapped me hard across the face.

  It was jarring and it hurt. I'd been slapped before but never by her. Vic had this special gift of wild abandon. When she hit someone she did the opposite of holding back.

  My response was surprising even to me. I lunged forward through the dark and gripped her throat with both of my hands. The result was her head hitting hard against the metal pole she'd been leaning on earlier.

  The violence of it made me instantly let her go but she grabbed my throat and punched it with her nails. "What the fuck are you doing," she whispered angrily.

  I couldn't talk and she shook me in her own anger, making me feel the intensity of her rage.

  "You were everything important to me," she said. I stared at her eyes. A normal person might panic but I knew Vic and she'd eventually let my throat go. It crossed my mind that I might never see her again after tonight. She pushed me back against a pole and rest her body on mine, releasing my windpipe and holding me pinned.

  I held her side and coughed.

  She hugged me and ran a hand through my hair lovingly.

  We were both in the dark and not looking at each other.

  "Why are we enemies," I croaked.

  "We're not," she said sadly. And I heard her sniff like she'd probably upset herself with how she treated me. "Did I hurt you?"

  "No," I lied.

  "I can't be friends with her," Vic said. "I can't be friends with anyone who's touching you."

  "Why not," I asked.

  "It makes me angry," she said. "You were supposed to be mine."

  I rested my lips against her shoulder and breathed her in. My eyes closed. Vic was always dangerous and I always knew that, the danger attracted me. Being the only one allowed close to it made me feel special. But she never talked about us like this. I had to fight and lose her again and again to even get her here. This was what I always asked and wanted from her.

  But, like everything with Vic, it couldn't last. She had a lot of shit to work out and I couldn't be a part of that any more. Not if she was still going to be lethal and explosive and fuck with my already bankrupt life. I didn't have it in me anymore.

  "I can't do this," I admitted.

  "Yeah," she said, like she already knew. And maybe there was something to it. She always thought I'd leave her for someone like Charli. Asking Vic to live her life differently wasn't going to change her and I'd already tried to request that from her so many times.

  "Are you okay?"

  I asked it but I knew she was just going to lie to me.

  "Of course," she said. "I just had to come check on you. You never get upset like that."

  "Yeah," I said, feeling hurt again since I'd forgotten how I'd been.

  "Yeah," she sighed, breathing deeply. "Okay," she said, moving back from me. "I um. I better let you…"

  She started to wander back out toward the opening.

  "Hey," I said, stopping her.

  It was too complicated. We never communicated enough. This was our issue.

  "Can you like… Not be a stranger," I asked.

  She laughed. And the light seeping in from the stadium lit her face enough that I could see she had been crying before and I at least made her laugh.

  "Yeah uh. Sure. Whatever," she said.

  "I mean it," I asked. I punched her in the shoulder.

  "Ow," she complained and then laughed.

  Coming out from under the bleachers it was like a weight had been lifted like I'd gone through a tunnel or something.

  "I can't believe you're so stupid," she said.

  "What the fuck?!"

  "I just meant," she laughed and then pointed to the lights and to the field. "I can't compete with that," she chuckled hoarsely.

  "No. You could've," I said, knowing it.

  There'd been a time when it might've been close. I understood them both enough and not at all. Against each other, they were somehow similar.

  "Yeah, I don't think so," Vic laughed and touched her hand to the scratches I'd left on her neck.

  "Ah, shit," I said, stepping forward and realizing.

  "I um… Really gotcha," I noticed.

  "Yeah," she laughed. There was blood but Vic was used to smashing beer bottles on grown men and doing way worse.

  "Ah. Goodnight, Laura," she said, sobering up to greet her reality headon.

  She never called me that. I'd always been Lo.

  "Goodnight," I said, a little emotional but also confused enough to want this to be done. Charli had scored at least one goal that I'd missed.

  Vic turned back after a few strides and waved at me. It was like a drunken wave, like the way we used to always be. I saw our past for a moment and held it before letting it go.

  My heart hurt but it wasn't as bad as before.

  I walked to the gate and leaned on the chainlink.

  The game only had a few minutes left. I could stay here, collect myself, try to understand what that just was. Something told me I'd need a lot more time. Whatever we were, we weren't stable and that hadn't changed but at least we weren't enemies. I couldn't stand that the most.

  I sucked on my lip and knew it had split and bled when Vic slapped me. That wasn't like her, to hit me. Us being violent with one another only started when Charli came near, encroaching on Vic's territory. Vic was a mother lion. I just didn't understand.

  I sucked on my lip and watched Charli. I couldn't make sense of anything but I was happier, that I hit Vic or we talked. I didn't know why but I felt better after that nonsense in the dark. Back at the diner she hadn't even noticed me at all.

  Chapter 33

  We won the game three to one. I scored three of our goals as I promised Laura. Even if it had been a joke, I felt proud that I was coming back to her victorious.

  In the locker room we all talked and celebrated, taking photos and Snapchats of each other. I didn't stay there long. I was too eager to get back to my girl. I needed to see her smile and let it take me over like always.

  I was excited for her to get to know my parents and I also wanted to talk to her about the Europe bomb that dad dropped. There was no way I was going if it meant not being able to see her. That was out of the question and I knew my parents wouldn't make me go if I objected.

  The dream would be Laura coming with us. We could tour ancient ruins and eat in adorable cafes. It would be beyond romantic even though my parents would be close.

  It wasn't likely to happen given what she had said about her parents but a girl could dream.

  When I walked out of the locker room I saw my mom and dad but no Laura. The locker room opened up to the outside of the stadium so she was probably still inside somewhere.

  "Where's Laura?" I asked.

  "She went to get food at halftime and she must have run into someone," Mom said.

  "I thi- Oh, here she is," Dad said.

  Laura walked up, her hair blocking half of her face. She joined us and I frowned.

  "What happened?" I asked.

  It was clear as day. Her lip was split and she had a bruise developing on her one red cheek. With her complexion there was no hiding it.

  "Yikes, look here." Dad went into Dr mode and started looking Laura over. "Hmm, not too bad but you better get ice on that to help the swelling.

  The story would have to wait. There was no way I could talk to Laura with them h
ere.

  "Mom, dad? Can we skip dinner? I think we better go so I can help Laura," I said.

  "If that's what you want, sweetie," Mom said.

  She was frowning and one of her eyebrows was cocked up. She was totally going to make me tell her the whole story later.

  "You sure? We could always run through a drive through and eat in style," Dad joked.

  They were always trying to make people comfortable. It was great of them but I needed to get Laura alone.

  "Really, I'm tired and I promise I'll call you tomorrow," I said.

  "Ah, okay," Dad frowned.

  They really made an effort to come see me and I was blowing them off because of my relationship. I felt like shit but I knew Laura was my priority right now. Something had happened and they couldn't help.

  "I love you guys. Thank you so much for coming out," I said.

  "You were amazing, kid," Dad said.

  My mom pulled me into a hug and patted my back.

  "Truly amazing," she said. "Call me asap"

  She pinned me with her eyes when she stepped back and I knew that meant we still had things to talk about. They weren't going to raise a fuss.

  "Love you," Dad said, hugging me.

  "Love you too, both of you," I replied.

  "Love you too, Char," Mom echoed.

  "Be careful there Laura and it was a pleasure to meet you," Dad said.

  "Yes it was. Next time we'll have to get together for longer," Mom added.

  "Wait, you guys have to do dinner," Laura said. "You hardly ever see each other." She looked to me guiltily. "Please," she asked, tugging on my arm. "It's really not as bad as it looks. I promise."

  “I’m not hungry,” I said.

  I knew the worried looks that passed between my parents. They didn’t want to say anything but it was clear.

  “Is everything okay?" Dad asked Laura.

  "Yeah," she nodded. "I'm good. Really."

  “I’ll call you tomorrow, Mom. I swear,” I said.

  Everything was too big right now. My stomach churned and I didn’t want to try to explain myself.

  “Okay, hun but make sure you get some rest,” Mom said.