Love Like Crazy

by Emma Chamberlain

  “Don’t worry.” I hugged her again and whispered sorry in close to her ear.

  She took Dad’s arm and pulled him off in the direction of the parking lot. He waved and gave me a reassuring smile. When I was little, that's all it took to make me feel better but now I felt frozen. He couldn’t even begin to fix this.

  Once they were gone I turned to Laura and sighed.

  “Do you need food?” I asked.

  Laura rolled her eyes, emotional. "Charli, what the hell?"

  “What?” I asked. My shoulders drooped and I tried to breathe slow.

  "Well, I mean. First of all, good job," she shrugged awkwardly and opened her arms to give me a hug.

  I went to her, taking her body into a fierce hug, probably too hard. She was hurt. I had to remember that so I loosened my grip but held her still.

  “Thanks,” I mumbled.

  I needed to ask but I was never good at jumping over that cliff.

  "You were really great," she whispered.

  “I could have scored again but whatever,” I said.

  I swallowed all the words I wanted to say. It felt like I was already on defense, trying to tip toe around the subject.

  “What happened?” I asked.

  "Oh god," she laughed. "Just some bullshit." She rocked my body lovingly. "They didn't have to go like that. I'm really fine."

  “Who was it?” I asked.

  It wasn’t likely that she’d gotten that red ass handprint from anything other than another person and I could only imagine.

  "Uh. I dunno if I should tell you," Laura laughed. "It doesn't matter baby. It's done. Okay?"

  “If someone hurt you, then I want to know,” I insisted.

  "Yeah," Laura sighed and dropped her arms from me. She took a step back and hugged herself. "I don't think I can tell you," she decided. "If I tell you, you'll want to retaliate and that's really not necessary. I don't want that."

  “So, you’re just not going to tell me at all?” I asked.

  She rubbed her temples and stressed. "Why didn't you go to dinner with your parents," she asked. "I feel like this problem now. They're gonna think that."

  “Because I didn’t want to sit through the whole thing without knowing what happened and I wasn’t lying. I’m not hungry anymore. I’m just worried. They don’t think anything. I know them. My mom will wait for me to call and tell her whatever,” I said.

  "Nothing else is going to happen though, Charli. We could've gone to dinner and had a normal time but now they think I'm this shitty girl who doesn't care about your games and gets in fights instead of watching you."

  “You don’t know what they think and that’s not it. They’re way more open-minded than that. There was no way this was going to be normal with me sitting there worrying,” I said.

  "It's not about being open-minded. I'm not judging them. That wasn't what I meant," Laura said, bummed.

  “They would have asked more questions if they thought something was really bad,” I said.

  I was stung. She was keeping this from me. That meant it had to be Vic. There wasn’t anyone else. She must have come here knowing Laura would be here.

  “You’re really not going to tell me?” I asked.

  She looked at me like I was being ridiculous. "Of course I'll tell you," she said. "I just didn't want to be a jerk and I didn't want you to go running out of here after someone."

  “Oh, but it’s okay for Vic to hit you. I know it was her. It had to be,” I argued.

  "Okay well. I hit her first," she said. "I'm not saying it's okay. I don't need you to fight people, Charli."

  “Why did you hit her?” I asked.

  I wanted to go somewhere and sit down so I pointed toward the side of the stadium that was hidden away by trees and started to walk.

  “Let’s sit,” I suggested.

  "Okay," she shrugged, sadly.

  “So, why?” I asked again.

  I found a retaining wall along the side of the trees that separated it from the stadium and sat down on the edge. I stuffed my hands into my pockets and looked down at my chest.

  "Why what? Why did I touch her?"

  “Yeah, what made you hit her?” I asked.

  A puff of air entered her and she slowly let it out creating a white cloud in the darkness. "Mm. Kay. You're not gonna like this," she warned. "I uh. I scratched her," she said. "Because she like… Kissed me and groped me a little."

  I didn’t say anything. There was no real words coming to me. Vic had kissed her. KISSED. I’d gone cold and I needed to move so I stood up and paced.

  “Kissed, kiss, groped,” I mumbled.

  "Charli," Laura said, trying to break my trance.

  I laughed, a high-pitched sound I’d never heard come out of me before.

  “She kissed you and you scratched her. Like to get her off?” I asked.

  "Uhh… Yeah," Laura said, feeling lame. "I pushed her too but the scratch drew blood. I was pissed. When I tried to get her off the first time she slapped me. So… yeah. I didn't care at that point."

  “No, no, no,” I said.

  "What?" Laura asked, confused.

  “I don’t know,” I blurted.

  I started walking again but I took long strides past her.

  "Charli, what the fuck. Stop," Laura said. She'd jumped up from the wall to follow me.

  I walked down the path leading back towards the school buildings and then stepped off the cobblestone walk and into the grass, in search of cover. Since the whole campus was surrounded by patches of forest I could step away from the human world and into something more natural with no trouble.

  I only slowed to a stop when I saw the back of the dorm. The short cut wasn’t intentional, I’d just been walking. Laura caught up and I looked at her when she came near.

  "What are you doing," she asked.

  I stepped close to her and reached out to skim my fingertip over the spot on her lip where it was split. I barely touched it so I wouldn’t hurt her. Tears formed and fell from my eyes and I realized just how scared I was of losing her.

  “Laura,” I whispered.

  "Hey, it's okay," she spoke softly and tried to urge me to feel better.

  “Are you in love with her?” I asked.

  "What?" She asked, sad. "No. Not like… Not like us," she said, voice cracking a little. "Why are you asking me that?"

  “Because you were before, right?”

  "Well. I dunno," she whined. "It's not really comparable."

  “Because you didn’t get together,” I surmised.

  "Well yeah," she said. Everything was whispered like it was secret.

  “Does she want that? Is that why she kissed you?” I asked.

  "Charli?! Fuck. I don’t know. But it doesn't matter. Is that what you're really thinking right now? You think I'd just leave you the second she showed some interest or something? That's insane."

  “Why? I would if I were you. I’m not very interesting. I know that. I’m just a straight-laced basic jock,” I said.

  They were words I could imagine Vic saying to Laura. She hated me because of Laura and because I was so unlike her. It hadn’t bothered me, or so I thought, I was above the petty bullshit she threw at me. That was a joke. I was breaking down at the first sign of Vic really wanting Laura.

  Laura touched her fingers to the side of my neck and tugged on my hoodie with her other hand. "You're a lot more than that baby. Believe me, I don't see you like that. I couldn't."

  “What do you see?” I asked, looking directly at her.

  I was daring her to tell me, hoping that she wouldn’t and scared that I was right.

  "I see a person who was nice enough to be kind to me and save my life." Obviously, the night had been hard on her. For whatever reason, my question brought on her tears. "I love everything about you Char. Everything."

  So, I was nice to her and that was why. She wasn’t used to that. She’d said so many times. That was it. I helped her and I was a decent person. She neede
d that and I was there. It wasn’t her fault.

  "Come on. Stop it. What are you thinking?" She asked.

  “I’m thinking that I need water,” I lied.

  I loved her too much to say those words. What if they were really true? She wouldn’t tell me even if it was because she probably didn’t see it. I would keep it, like I usually did, buried away with the numerous other ticking bombs in my head.

  "Talk to me," she asked. "What is it? Are you… Are you breaking up with me?" She wept. "This wasn't my fault."

  “No, of course not. I couldn’t break up with you. Not unless you didn’t want me. I know it’s not your fault.” I hugged her again and kissed her neck, feeling the familiar physical connection that always came from touching her. I loosened my arms and kissed her on the lips, being soft so I didn’t hurt her.

  She whimpered a little, unsure of how to be.

  “I want you. I’ll always want you,” I whispered.

  My eyes were closed and I knew what I needed at that moment.

  “I need you, now. Please, can you just,” I started.

  I found her hand and slowly led it to the spot where my track jacket had ridden up and my abdomen met my waist.

  “Be in me,” I finished.

  "Here?" She asked, nervously.

  “We can go back. The dorm is right there,” I said.

  "No," she huffed in the cold. I felt her hand slip down the front of my body. Her fingers carefully slid inside me like I had asked. "Its okay," she whispered, pressing against me and using her body as a shield so that no one could see.

  I started to cry harder and held onto her shoulders.

  "Baby?" Laura asked, confused. She pulled her hand back out and up my body.

  “Can we go inside?” I asked.

  "Of course," she said.

  I pushed my jacket down and took her hand.

  “Sorry,” I said.

  "No. Don't be," she breathed.

  We walked to the back door of the dorm and entered through the door that had been propped open. We hurried and were lucky that no one saw us. Everyone was probably out, some at the after party for the team. Soccer was the big sport at Hanover. We didn’t have much else to have a gathering for.

  When we got in our room I closed the door behind us and immediately unzipped my jacket, throwing it down. My shirt followed and then my shoes, pants, and socks.

  Laura followed me and took my jacket off of herself slowly, letting it drop to the floor. I felt her hands on my naked back. Her lips grazed my shoulder and kissed me skin once and again.

  I turned and pulled at the turtleneck so she would let me take it off. I wanted to feel her and I wanted her to own me.

  Where I was quick she was gentle. But when her lips found mine I could tell she was hungry for me. Her tongue surged inside me and she kept me, taking my breath away.

  I pushed her back onto my bed and climbed up to straddle her hips. I kissed her hard, pushing my tongue into her mouth. I was wild, desperate. I knew what I wanted so I took her hand and led it to my waiting wetness, urging her forward. It needed to be her action and choice.

  There was no hesitation. As soon as I showed what I wanted she started to touch and slip inside me. "Fuck," she breathed, watching me. I watched her back and rode her hand, helping her fuck me.

  “Yours,” I told her.

  I rose and rocked my body against her hand with little delicacy but a steady increase in speed.

  Her free hand gripped my breast and she squeezed. I put one of my hands over hers and encouraged her to grip me harder.

  “Laura,” I said.

  "What is it baby." Her hands only sped.

  “Tell me I’m yours,” I requested.

  "You're mine," she said.

  “Promise?” I asked.

  "Yes," she panted. "I promise. You're mine baby. You're so mine."

  I let myself cum when she said that and I cried again, collapsing on her body and squeezing my legs together to keep her there.

  "Fuck," she let out. As I fell onto her she held me and breathed against my neck. "You're so pretty," she whispered.

  I sniffed and moved my head to her chest. She slipped her fingers out of me and I moved down a little. My slow tears dripped from the side of my eye, hitting her skin between her breasts.

  Something was wrong with me. I couldn’t explain this to her. The patched up part of my identity just exploded inside me. I was half in pieces. She was being sweet and giving me what I needed. None of this was her fault. No, she was innocent. Vic had been using her for years. No matter what real feelings were between them, she had done everything wrong. I was sure. She would keep picking at pieces of Laura until she couldn’t heal. I wasn’t helping either. There were precious few minutes for me to get my shit together.

  "I gotcha," Laura said, holding me. Her hands caressed and memorized me.

  I kissed her chest and pet her arm with my hand. The repetition of the movement lulled me into a trance. I was getting tired now, crying did that. The game had a hand in it as well. Emotions took so much energy to control but when they busted out it was even worse.

  “I’m sorry. I love you,” I whispered.

  Laura kissed my head. "You're sorry you love me?" She asked, teasing me.

  “No! I’m sorry and I love you,” I replied.

  "Oh okay, good," she smiled against me.

  “Could you ever hate me?” I asked.

  "Are you planning on upsetting me," she wondered. Her hands snuck in around my back and she held me loosely.

  "I don't have any plans," I said.

  "Yeah, I don't think I could hate you," she said. One of her hands touched down on my head and she pet my hair.

  "I'm not going to Europe," I said.

  "Aw, sweetie," she said, sad. "It'll probably be fun. Don't say that."

  "I don't care. It's not like I haven't been," I said.

  "Okay wow. Nevermind," Laura laughed.

  "Sorry, I'm just… I'm not leaving you," I replied.

  "We might not be able to see each other anyway," Laura reminded.

  "I'm not gonna let that happen. I'll go wherever they send you," I said.

  Laura moved to find a pillow and put it behind her head. "You're not thinking clearly about this."

  "Why? Just because I'm not willing to let other people keep us apart?"

  Laura wiggled a little and moved her body to sit up and prop against the wall. "What's your plan, huh? You gonna tie me up? Kidnap me?"

  She reached over me to grab a cigarette from my nightstand and light it. The smoking had nearly dwindled out. She only grabbed for it when her stress passed a threshold like now.

  "No, that's not right. I'd just follow you. Do you not want me to?" I asked.

  I'd never brought up her smoking before since it was infrequent but the smell was awful. I rolled to the other side of the bed and got up to open the window.

  Laura shook her head and smiled. She put the cigarette out and bit her bottom lip. She was frustrated.

  "What do you want me to say to you right now," she wondered. "I almost feel like you're fucking with me. Like the boathouse."

  "I guess I just want to know if you want this as much as I do," I said.

  "Yes!" She said, annoyed. She got up off the bed and walked to the closet to find some clothes and get dressed. I'd made her angry.

  "Where are you going?" I asked.

  "I dunno," she said, bothered. "I can't be around you though when you're like this. You take things out on me. All day I knew something bad was gonna happen. All fucking day," she was muttering quietly to herself.

  "When I'm like what?! I'm not fucking with you," I said.

  I watched her skin in the dark. She covered her legs in sweatpants and struggled to put on a bra.

  "You won't just tell me what you're thinking," she said. "You're upset. And you have every right to feel that way but playing with me and stressing me out about us and about summer isn't gonna help anything."

&nb
sp; "I'm not playing with you. Every time I get worried you think that it's some scheme to screw with your head when I'm just scared that it's all going to go away and I'll lose you," I said.

  Some of her hoodies were bundled up on the floor in the corner of the closet. She reached for one and pulled it on. "I'm scared too," she said. "I'm always scared too Charli."

  I found my pants and pulled them on and then grabbed a shirt from the floor and pulled it over my head.

  "Then you get why I'm freaking about the summer," I answered.

  "I've always understood why," she said. "Don't think because I'm not freaking out I'm not worried. I can't promise you things I have no control over. I can't stop the stupid people in my life from doing stupid things."

  She pulled her hair out from her hood and started to put it up.

  "Okay, okay," I said, pressing a finger to my temple. "I'm sorry."

  "I know you're sorry. I know you don't mean it," she said. "It just hurts me when you ask me if I feel the same way. It's hurtful."

  She picked her bag up off the ground and moved to go. Halfway to the door she turned back and locked eyes with me. "I love you Charli. All I want to do is be with you every day. That's all I want to do." She panted a little and her gaze dropped as she turned away.

  "I love you too," I said.

  Of course, I felt like shit.

  "I'll be back in a bit," she said.

  "Okay," I said.

  I let her go without saying any more. Wherever she was going I'd driven her to go. I stood there for a moment after the door closed and then I looked over towards the bed and saw her phone there.

  I grabbed it and went to the door, with every intention of getting her to take it, but I stopped. She wasn't going to tell me what happened earlier and maybe there was more she thought would upset me.

  I looked through her contacts and found Vic's name. It was easy since I already knew the pattern lock on her phone.

  I grabbed my own phone out of the pocket of my pants and dialed Vic's number. Hopefully, she would answer.

  It rang once and I bit my cuticle, nibbling away to rid myself of nerves.

  "What," Vic answered.

  "This is Charli. Listen, I just want to talk to you. Is that okay?" I asked.

  There was silence and then a sigh. "You're a psycho but sure."

  "Why am I a psycho?" I shook my head. "You know what, never mind. Think what you want. I just want to ask you something so do you want to meet me somewhere?" I asked.