The Bad Mothers’ Book Club

by Keris Stainton

  ‘Sorry,’ she said when they finally made it out through the main doors and into the surprisingly warm afternoon air. ‘I’m rubbish at this. I don’t know what to say.’

  ‘I’m not dying,’ Jools said, her voice stronger than Emma would have expected. ‘It was just an infection.’

  Emma guided Jools over to the parking machines.

  ‘Are you OK to …?’ Emma gestured at a bench next to the ticket machine.

  ‘I can stand,’ Jools said.

  While Emma paid for the parking, Jools said, ‘I found the lump this time last year. It took a bit of time to get a diagnosis.’

  Emma took Jools’s arm again.

  ‘And then I had a lumpectomy. And that’s what got infected.’

  Emma couldn’t remember where she’d parked the car. She’d been so desperate to get Jools into the hospital. She stopped at the end of one of the crossing places and looked around.

  ‘It’s on Row C,’ Jools said.

  ‘Fuck me,’ Emma said. ‘How did you know that?’

  They walked towards the car.

  ‘That’s what I do,’ Jools said. ‘I have to know everything, control everything. Everything has to be perfect.’ She blew out a breath. ‘Fucking not though, is it.’

  Emma almost laughed. ‘No. I don’t think anything ever is. Nothing works out how you expect. And sometimes when everything seems to be going along perfectly, some fucker like cancer comes along and shits all over everything.’

  Jools did laugh then. ‘I’m sorry I was a cow to you.’

  Emma shook her head. ‘You weren’t. I—’

  ‘Oh come on. Of course I was. I just … it’s hard for me to make friends. Cos of Matt. Since he started playing I’ve been a bit weird about it. And it’s worse with the girls – I’ve had women use their children to befriend the girls to get to Matt. It’s awful.’

  ‘Jesus.’

  They were at the car now. Emma opened the passenger door for Jools and walked round to the driver’s side.

  ‘And then since this happened, I’ve got so much worse. I was so determined not to fall apart, you know? Even when the doctor first told us – as she was talking – I was making plans in my head. First I’ll do this and then this will happen and as long as I can this then it’ll all be OK. You know?’

  ‘I think that’s normal though,’ Emma said, putting the key in the ignition. ‘Trying to control the uncontrollable.’

  ‘I thought I was doing so well,’ Jools said. ‘I was being really strong, not falling apart. Organising everything. I thought if I didn’t tell anyone, no one would ever need to know. I got that stupid wig and I had my eyebrows done and I pay a fucking fortune for false eyelashes every couple of weeks and what’s it all for? It’s put so much more pressure on Matt cos he feels like he has to be strong for me.’

  Emma eased out of the parking space and looked over at Jools. ‘I think you’re being really hard on yourself.’

  ‘I had a go at him for crying. He was crying and scared and I told him it was making me feel worse and if he wanted to cry, he should go and do it somewhere else. And at the same time I was thinking, Why’s he even crying? I’m fine. I’m going to be fine.’

  ‘But you are, aren’t you?’ Emma said. ‘I mean …’

  ‘Yeah. Apparently. I mean, I haven’t had the all-clear yet, but it’s looking pretty positive. And the type that I had is unlikely to recur. So they tell me.’

  ‘Jools,’ Emma said. ‘That’s amazing.’

  ‘I know. I’m lucky.’

  And then she started to cry.

  ‘Oh fuck!’ Maggie heard Sofia say. She sounded panicked and Maggie’s first thought was that Jim was home. Her stomach flipped over with fear. She knew he wouldn’t even consider that she and Sofia were sleeping together unless he actually found them in bed, so as long as they could both get dressed before he—

  ‘We fell asleep,’ Sofia said, she was gathering her clothes from around the room, stumbling against the wall as she tried to clamber into her underwear. ‘It’s 3.45.’

  ‘No,’ Maggie said. The children finished school at 3.30. ‘Oh my god.’

  ‘I’m going to be fired,’ Sofia said, pulling her dress over her head. ‘Jools will kill me.’

  ‘No, you phone the school and say you’re held up somewhere so they know you’re coming.’

  ‘But if we both say that—’

  ‘I won’t. I’ll wait ’til after you’ve gone and say I fell asleep. Or something. It doesn’t matter. Amy’ll be fine, she’ll be playing. I don’t want you to lose your job.’

  Sofia stepped into her shoes and headed for the door. ‘Thank you. I’ll call now. I’ll text you later.’

  Maggie nodded, sitting back down on the bed.

  Sofia reached the door and then turned back, quickly crossing the room to kiss Maggie on the mouth. ‘Thank you.’

  Maggie waited until she heard the front door close and picked up her phone. She had two missed calls from Jools. Why had Jools been calling her? She hadn’t left a message. And the school hadn’t texted yet, but she’d been late collecting Amy before and she knew they would. She thought about getting dressed and rushing to the school and seeing Sofia there. She couldn’t do it. Instead, she texted Nick.

  Emma drove them to the nearest Starbucks and Jools waited in the car while Emma got them both coffees. While she was waiting, she called Paul who offered to go and collect the children.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Jools said, stirring sugar into her coffee, as the two of them sat in the car. ‘You must think I’m an absolute wreck.’

  Emma shook her head. ‘Not at all. Or no more than the rest of us. I got hammered and puked at your house and you threw me out.’

  ‘God,’ Jools said. ‘I really am sorry. I just … I don’t do well with things being out of control and between you and Maggie—’

  ‘I know,’ Emma said. ‘It’s fine. I was rude anyway. I didn’t read the books. And I drank too much. I was nervous. And I …’ She didn’t know if she could trust Jools, but surely after today she could give her the benefit of the doubt. ‘I started thinking Paul might be having an affair and I wigged out.’ She bit her lip. ‘Fuck. Sorry.’

  Jools smiled. ‘It’s OK. Today’s the first time I’ve left the house without hair.’

  ‘You still look beautiful,’ Emma said.

  ‘I can’t imagine that can possibly be true. But thank you.’

  ‘So when I got to book club, I wasn’t in a great place.’

  ‘I mean, I made it the least fun it could be, didn’t I?’ Jools snorted, which made Emma laugh. ‘It’s because I failed my exams. Matt says I’m overcompensating with the book club only reading classics, because up until a year ago I only read romance and then the Metro did a feature that was basically thick people made good. I was in there – along with my exam results – but I’d made good by marrying Matt, you know? I didn’t do anything but fall in love.’

  ‘That’s such bullshit though,’ Emma said. ‘It’s no one’s business what you read. Read what you enjoy. Did you enjoy Jude the Obscure?’ Her mouth twitched.

  ‘God, no,’ Jools said. ‘It was so depressing.’

  A tiny part of Emma wanted to suggest Jools come along to Bad Mothers’ Book Club, but she knew that was a little hasty. And that Beth would kill her. But forcing yourself to read improving books – at the same time as possibly dying of cancer – seemed dreadful.

  ‘Apparently our daughters have hatched a plan,’ Jools told Emma.

  ‘Yeah? For what?’

  ‘For us to take them to Hilbre,’ Jools said. ‘They want to go together, apparently. With Amy too. And Flora. They got fed up of waiting for me to do it.’

  ‘Ruby asked me too,’ Emma admitted. ‘More than once.’

  ‘I think it could be nice,’ Jools said.

  ‘Me too.’

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  ‘So,’ Nick said, once he and Amy were home and Amy had gone up to her room to tidy it, which actu
ally meant play on her DS. ‘What happened to you?’

  He was leaning back against the kitchen cupboards and Maggie wondered again how her brother managed to be so comfortable in his own skin.

  ‘We should go and sit down,’ Maggie said, heading for the conservatory.

  ‘Oh god,’ Nick said. ‘Do I need a drink? Have you got wine?’

  ‘It’s four thirty!’

  ‘So?’

  Maggie stopped in the doorway. Actually a glass of wine sounded pretty good.

  ‘And can I just say,’ Nick continued, ‘how lucky you were that I was over here anyway, cos if I’d been in Liverpool I never would have got over fast enough.’

  ‘I knew you were,’ Maggie said, pulling a bottle of red out of the wine rack. ‘You told me you had a job in Heswall.’

  ‘Oh,’ Nick said. ‘Yeah. Well. Good memory.’

  ‘I’m just going to come out with it,’ Maggie said, once they were both in the conservatory with their wine.

  ‘Go for it.’

  ‘OK.’ She stared down into her glass and then up at her brother. ‘I’ve been seeing someone. A woman.’

  ‘Woah,’ Nick said, his eyes widening. ‘I did not expect that.’

  He gulped his wine. ‘Shit, Mags. I’m the gay one.’

  Maggie laughed. ‘I know. But there can be more than one gay one. And I’m not gay.’

  He leaned towards her, glancing over his shoulder to make sure Amy was nowhere near. ‘Hate to break it to you, but if you’re having sex with a woman you’re at least bi.’

  ‘I know, god. I just haven’t, I don’t know, labelled it yet? I just like her. The one woman. Not, like, all women.’

  ‘I don’t like all men, Mags, that’s not how it works.’

  ‘I know, god. I’m freaking out, Nick! Stop being a smartarse for five minutes.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’ He grinned, and then put his hand over his mouth. ‘I am, really. I know I don’t look it.’

  ‘You’re a dick.’

  ‘So, who is she?’

  Once Maggie had finished telling him everything she could think of about Sofia, he said, ‘You are so smitten.’

  ‘Shut up.’

  ‘This is amazing. So is this the first time? Or have you been having lesbian affairs for years and never told me?’ He drank some more wine. ‘Mum’s going to die, by the way. This will kill her.’

  Maggie snorted with laughter. ‘Can you even imagine. Yeah, that’s not happening. Remember Vicky Morgan? At school?’

  ‘Princess Di hair? Massive feet?’

  Maggie rolled her eyes. ‘That’s the one. I used to stay over at her house every Friday and we did some stuff.’

  ‘Bloody hell. I had no idea.’

  ‘Why would you?’

  ‘You knew when I was getting off with Stephen Shaw.’

  ‘Everyone knew when you were getting off with Stephen Shaw. You practically hired a sky writer.’

  ‘He was so hot though. He works in Sainsbury’s now. I see him sometimes when I’m at Mum’s. He pretends not to see me though.’

  ‘Vicky tried to add me on Facebook a couple of years ago. I didn’t accept.’

  ‘Afraid all the old feelings would come flooding back?’

  ‘No. I don’t know. Maybe.’

  Nick stared at her, his face serious for once. ‘Why didn’t you ever talk to me about it?’

  She shook her head. ‘I don’t know. I never really admitted it to myself. It’s really hard to explain.’

  ‘I mean, I get it. Obviously.’

  ‘It’s not like I was having all these feelings and repressing them. I feel like I repressed them practically before I had them, you know?’

  ‘Mum?’ Amy said from the doorway.

  Maggie felt blood rush to her face and she looked helplessly at Nick, before saying, ‘What’s up?’

  ‘Can I stay at Nick’s tonight?’

  Maggie blinked at her daughter.

  ‘If you like. Why?’

  ‘We get pancakes for breakfast. And he said he’d take me on the ferry.’ She grinned at her uncle.

  ‘Well I can’t compete with that,’ Maggie said. ‘Go and get your stuff together then?’

  ‘Done it already!’ Amy said, turning to show the small rucksack on her back, a puppy’s head poking out of the top.

  ‘Let’s get going then, Miss,’ Nick said. He turned to Maggie: ‘Will you be OK?’

  Maggie nodded. ‘I’ll have a bath. I’ll be fine.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Nick said. ‘You will.’ He dropped a kiss on her forehead before picking Amy up in a fireman’s lift and running through the house while she squealed.

  When Emma dropped Jools at home, Jools was surprised to find the house empty, but the French doors from the lounge wide open. She could hear the girls talking and giggling from the treehouse at the foot of the garden and see light bleeding out from between the planks. She’d texted Matt to tell her she was out with Emma, but not that they’d been at the hospital, not what had happened. She hated worrying him.

  She felt a sharp pain in the side of her breast when she pulled herself up the ladder to the treehouse, but once she was inside it faded away.

  ‘Mummy!’ the girls shouted, all trying to grab her at once.

  ‘Wow,’ she said, looking around. ‘Who did this?’

  One side of the treehouse was piled with pillows and cushions. The other side was covered with a white screen on which Frozen was playing. The rafters were twined with fairy lights.

  ‘Daddy made a cimena!’ Eden shouted, her eyes wide.

  Jools curled her hand around the back of her youngest daughters neck and tugged her close to press a kiss on her forehead.

  ‘I gave Sofia the night off,’ Matt said. ‘She had some bad news.’ He glanced at the girls, indicating that he would tell Jools later. And then his eyes flickered up to the top of her head and she realised she wasn’t wearing a wig, she still had on the headscarf Eve had bought her. She hadn’t even thought about it for hours. Her hand flew up and brushed over it, while she tried to think of how to explain it to the girls.

  ‘Did you forget your hair?’ Violet said, frowning at her mum.

  ‘I did,’ Jools said. ‘Silly me.’

  ‘I’ve seen it in your bathroom,’ Eloise said.

  Jools smothered a gasp with her hand, looking over at Matt, who was smiling gently at her. She had no idea the girls had known she’d been wearing a wig. She’d tried so hard to protect them.

  ‘I like it,’ Eloise said without looking away from the makeshift screen. ‘It’s like Elsa’s.’

  Jools laughed. ‘It is a bit, yeah.’ She crawled across the treehouse and squashed in next to her husband.

  ‘You OK?’ Matt whispered against her temple.

  ‘Perfect,’ Jools said.

  When Emma got home, Ruby and Sam were in the garden, shrieking with laughter. Paul was sitting on one of the outdoor beanbags, beer in one hand, phone in the other. He smiled up at her.

  ‘Want a beer?’

  ‘I’ll get it,’ Emma said.

  ‘You’ll have to,’ Paul said. ‘Don’t think I can get out of this bloody thing.’

  ‘Mama!’ Sam yelled, sliding down the slide and running across the garden to wrap his arms around her waist. She kissed the top of his sweaty head, tears pricking her eyes at the thought of Jools and what she could have lost, how scared she must have been.

  ‘Daddy picked us up at school!’ Sam yelled against her stomach.

  Emma laughed. ‘I know!’

  ‘It was so cool,’ Sam said. ‘He played football.’

  ‘Did he now?’ Emma said, raising an eyebrow at Paul.

  ‘Look, the ball came my way, what was I meant to do? Ignore it?’

  Emma rolled her eyes.

  ‘Did you have a good day?’ she asked Sam.

  Sam looked up at her, his cheeks pink, sweaty hair stuck to his forehead, freckles sprinkled across his nose and cheekbones. She loved him so much she could hardly
stand it.

  ‘It was so fun,’ he said.

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Yes!’ As Sam ran through everything he’d done at school that day – from helping with the teachers’ chairs at the end of assembly, to having chocolate cake for lunch, to football with daddy at pick-up, Emma smiled over the top of his head at Paul, glancing over to see Ruby lying on her back on the lawn.

  ‘Rubes?’ Emma called out when Sam had finally finished his litany of school fun. ‘You OK there?’

  ‘Just watching the clouds,’ Ruby called back.

  ‘She told me she was going to ‘medintate’,’ Paul said, smiling. ‘Apparently Violet told her it will help her relax.’

  Sam ran back to join his sister and Emma got herself a Coke and a beer for Paul. Back in the garden, she held out her hands and hauled her husband up out of the beanbag and pulled him towards her, wrapping her arms around his waist and pressing her forehead into his chest.

  ‘Jools has got breast cancer,’ she said quietly, making sure the children couldn’t hear.

  ‘I know,’ Paul said into her hair. ‘Matt told me.’

  Emma tipped her head back to look up at her husband. ‘When?’

  ‘First time I met him.’

  Emma could tell he was slightly nervous about telling her this. His eyes were cautious.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me? I was such a bitch about Jools!’

  ‘That’s a bad word, Mama!’ Sam shouted from the lawn.

  ‘It’s not,’ Ruby argued. ‘It just means lady dog.’

  ‘That’s not very nice,’ Sam said.

  ‘Sorry,’ Emma called. She still had her arms around Paul. ‘I feel awful.’

  Paul kissed her on the forehead. ‘You weren’t to know.’

  ‘But I judged her so much. For her hair and everything else. And she was just trying to keep it all together.’

  ‘What if she hadn’t been though,’ Paul said. ‘What if she was fine and she just did all that shit cos she liked it. It made her happy. Like Holly. What did you say she’d had done?’

  ‘Micro dermabrasion,’ Emma said. ‘Even though she looked about sixteen anyway. You’re right. We were talking about this at book club too. About judging women. Women’s choices. I’m such a dickhead.’

  ‘Mama!’ Ruby yelled.