The Bad Mothers’ Book Club

by Keris Stainton

  Paul squeezed Emma and pushed her away slightly, taking his new beer from her. ‘You helped her out today. When she really needed you. That’s more important than stuff you said about her eyebrows. Stop worrying about it.’

  Emma swigged her Coke. She hadn’t realised how thirsty she was. She’d only had one sad plastic cup of coffee in the hospital and then her decaf Starbucks had gone cold.

  ‘I can’t believe you knew,’ she said.

  ‘I wanted to tell you,’ Paul said. ‘If that helps at all.’

  Emma drank some more and then said, ‘Eh.’ But she was smiling.

  Maggie had not long been out of the bath when she heard the doorbell. She was going to ignore it – she was wearing a dressing gown and no make-up, her hair curling damp around her shoulders – but she assumed it was Jim who’d forgotten his keys and so opened it.

  It was Sofia.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she said immediately. ‘I shouldn’t have come here.’

  ‘What’s wrong?’ Maggie said, glancing out into the street. ‘Has something happened?’

  Sofia nodded. Her eyes were red and her hands were fluttering over each other as if she couldn’t control them.

  ‘Come in,’ Maggie said. ‘It’s OK. Jim and Amy aren’t here.’

  Sofia nodded and stepped inside, following Maggie down the hall to the kitchen. Without asking, Maggie poured them both a glass of wine each. When Sofia took hers, Maggie could see her fingers were trembling.

  ‘What’s happened?’ she asked. ‘Are you OK?’

  ‘My mother,’ Sofia said. ‘She was in an accident. Stupid. She was filling her lighter with … I don’t know the word. Cigarette lighter. You put liquid …’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Maggie said. ‘Lighter fluid?’

  Sofia shrugged. ‘And she …’ She made a flicking motion with her hand. ‘And woof! On fire!’

  ‘She set herself on fire?’ Maggie said. ‘Oh my god!’

  Sofia nodded. ‘So stupid. Always when she fills it up, we say it’s dangerous and she say she knows not to …’ She made the flicking motion again. ‘And now see.’

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ Maggie said. ‘Is she going to be OK?’

  ‘Think yes. But she is burned. Her face and her hair. I have to go home.’

  Maggie’s stomach clenched, even as she said, ‘Of course.’

  She was being selfish. She knew she was infatuated and she knew she was embarrassing and she didn’t even care. But she loved spending time with Sofia, had loved the afternoon they’d spent together, even the way it had ended. She knew she’d miss her.

  ‘For how long?’ Maggie asked.

  ‘I don’t know,’ Sofia said. ‘Maybe not long. But I have to go to see.’

  ‘Of course you do,’ Maggie said. ‘You must be so worried.’

  Sofia had drunk all of her wine and crossed the kitchen to put the glass down on the counter next to Maggie. Once her hands were empty, they started fluttering again.

  ‘Hey,’ Maggie said, reaching out for her hands. ‘It’s OK.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Sofia said again, slotting her fingers between Maggie’s. ‘I’ll go. I know I shouldn’t be here. I just wanted to see you.’

  ‘It’s OK,’ Maggie said. ‘Honestly. Jim’s out. He’s probably with Eve. I don’t care.’ She pulled on Sofia’s hand, tugging her closer, and Sofia came easily, pressing up against Maggie and tucking her head into the side of her neck.

  ‘This afternoon was so good,’ Maggie said into her hair.

  Sofia huffed out a laugh. ‘I can’t believe we fell asleep. I run to the school so fast I couldn’t even breathe.’

  ‘I told my brother about you,’ Maggie said, pushing one hand up into the back of Sofia’s hair and curling it around her fist.

  Sofia tipped her head back and looked at her. ‘Yeah?’

  ‘He was fine about it. Surprised. But he wants me to be happy, so …’

  ‘That’s nice,’ Sofia said. She glanced back towards the kitchen door, before pressing her mouth to Maggie’s.

  ‘Is this OK?’

  Maggie shook her head. ‘We probably shouldn’t.’

  ‘No,’ Sofia agreed.

  Maggie remembered the day Jim had pressed her up against the cabinets and she’d desperately tried to think of a way out of sleeping with him. It seemed like so long ago. So much had happened. She had to tell him about Sofia. She had to tell him their marriage was over. They couldn’t carry on the way they had been doing. It wasn’t fair to anyone, just because Maggie wasn’t brave enough to—

  Sofia slipped one hand inside Maggie’s dressing gown, running her fingers along her ribs. Maggie moaned, pulling her closer.

  ‘We really can’t,’ Maggie said. ‘I don’t know when he’ll be back and—’

  ‘I know. I’m sorry. You just look so—’ She kissed the side of Maggie’s neck, her hand sliding up her ribs to curl over her breast.

  ‘God,’ Maggie said. ‘Sofia.’

  She wanted to slide down to the floor and pull Sofia down with her. But Jim could be back at any time. And also the tiles were cold. Maybe the conservatory? Except that was very slightly overlooked by the neighbours and—

  Sofia had pushed the robe off one of Maggie’s shoulder and was kissing down her collarbone and chest, her hand moving round to the small of Maggie’s back as her tongue curled around her nipple.

  ‘Oh my god,’ Maggie said, squeezing her eyes shut and her legs together. ‘Oh my god.’

  Maggie didn’t hear the car pull up. She didn’t even hear the front door open. The first thing she heard was a snort from Jim, followed by “I don’t fucking believe this.”

  Maggie had been slumped against the kitchen units, one of Sofia’s hands still on her breast, the other between her legs. She pushed at Sofia’s shoulders a little and watched her stagger back, saw the fear on her face. She didn’t know what to say. To either of them. She pulled her robe back up over her shoulder, held it tight across her torso.

  ‘Where’s Amy?’ Jim said, his voice cold.

  ‘Staying with Nick.’ She forced herself to look at him and the expression on his face made Maggie’s breath catch in her chest. He hated her. He’d spent years yelling at her, putting her down, shagging around, and now that she’d found happiness with someone else, he hated her.

  ‘Well that’s something, I suppose,’ he said, crossing the room. Maggie and Sofia both flinched. ‘I’d hate our daughter to know what you are.’

  He picked up Amy’s pebble picture and threw it against the wall. The frame cracked, the glass smashed, and the pebbles skittered across the tile floor.

  Chapter Forty

  Two weeks later

  Ruby had been determined to get her Hilbre project done before Easter and luckily for her, there had been a prolonged period of warm, dry weather. Rain was forecast for the following week and so the women had arranged to finally get together to make the walk over to the islands, kids in tow.

  ‘I think the tide’s coming in,’ Emma said, frowning.

  As they walked towards the island, she could see water curling around it. It was only a narrow channel, but it was getting wider, and, she thought, running faster.

  ‘It’s just a channel, I think,’ Maggie said. ‘We can step over it. Or splash through it.’

  Ruby and Sam had run on ahead with Yahya, Flora, Amy and Jools’s daughters, all of them shrieking with laughter and splashing each other. Sam was still holding the bucket and spade he’d refused to put down since he’d got up that morning.

  Emma looked back over her shoulder towards the beach. They’d been walking for about half an hour now and while it didn’t look too far away, it certainly looked too far to turn back before the tide came in. The beach was still busy though – dogs and children running, people playing frisbee, and couples strolling, so it certainly didn’t look like anyone was concerned. She was almost certainly worrying about nothing.

  ‘Is there anything to do when we get there?’ she asked Maggie
, to distract herself.

  ‘I don’t think so?’ Maggie said. ‘I know there’re seals. Otherwise I think it’s just nature? And we’ve all brought food, right?’

  ‘Yep,’ Emma said. She had a cool bag stuffed with crisps, sandwiches, and other random crap the kids had insisted she bring.

  Ruby and Sam came running back, skidding to a stop just in front of Emma, sand flying.

  ‘Can we go in the water?’ Ruby asked. Her hair was falling out of its ponytail and her eyes were bright, cheeks pink.

  ‘No,’ Emma said automatically, but immediately felt guilty when Ruby’s face fell.

  ‘Why not?’ She stamped her foot, showering Emma legs with sand.

  ‘Because I don’t think it’s safe,’ Emma said. ‘If you look you can see the water coming round and—’

  ‘I think it’s OK,’ Jools interrupted. ‘These channels run round all the time, they’re pretty shallow. I was just about to suggest my girls go and have a bit of a splash.’ She turned to her daughters. ‘Looks like fun, right?’

  ‘But then they’ll be wet when they get there—’ Emma started.

  ‘But you brought a change of clothes, didn’t you?’ Beth said.

  Emma remembered that, yes, she had. So it should be fine. It was only water. It didn’t need to be a big deal.

  ‘OK,’ she told Ruby. ‘But be careful! And look after your brother!’ The last part was shouted since Ruby and Sam had already run away towards the channel.

  ‘I don’t even know why I said no,’ Emma murmured to Hanan who was closest. ‘It just came out. It’s only water, right? What’s the big deal?’

  ‘It’s hard,’ Hanan said. ‘I know. You want to keep them safe.’

  ‘I just don’t like the way the water’s coming round,’ Emma said. ‘I wasn’t expecting it. I thought it was just sand all the way.’

  ‘It’s always a bit wet,’ Jools said. ‘That’s why we said to wear wellies.’

  Jools was, of course, wearing a pair of Hunters which Emma knew – from seeing them in Grazia – cost a hundred quid. Emma’s wellies were a tenner from Primark and her socks had wriggled down and bunched at her toes within thirty seconds of them setting off.

  Ahead, the children were sitting in the channel, howling with laughter and splashing each other. Emma watched as Ruby scooped up a handful of mud and dumped it on Sam’s head. Sam laughed so hard he fell over backwards.

  ‘I don’t know how we’re even going to get them clean,’ Emma said.

  ‘It’s only sand,’ Beth said. ‘It’ll brush off. They’ll scream, but still.’

  Jools’s two oldest girls were jumping in the water and shrieking with laughter. Emma gasped as Eden kicked an arc of water over Ruby’s head, waiting for Ruby to wail or scream, but instead she laughed, turning to Flora and pulling her down in the water at her side.

  ‘When we were back in London she would’ve flipped out about that,’ Emma said to no one in particular.

  ‘Getting soaked’s a bit different in London though,’ Hanan said, bumping Emma with her shoulder. ‘She’s a lovely girl.’

  ‘It’s done her so much good being friends with the girls,’ Emma said. ‘She’s much more relaxed than she was at the start of school.’ Emma shook her head. ‘I feel awful even saying that. An eight-year-old shouldn’t be anything other than relaxed!’

  ‘There’s a lot of pressure on them at school though,’ Hanan said. ‘Don’t beat yourself up about it.’

  ‘And Flora couldn’t give a toss,’ Beth said. ‘So she might’ve passed some of that on. You’ll be sorry when she fails her SATs.’ She grinned.

  ‘Oh she’s not that relaxed,’ Emma said.

  It was only when the women reached the channel that Emma realised just how deep the water had got. Sam was still sitting down and it was up to his chest. The girls were standing now and letting the water ebb around them, sucking their feet down into the mud. Emma felt another flicker of fear.

  ‘Should it be this deep? Really?’

  ‘I don’t—’ Maggie started.

  ‘It definitely wasn’t this deep last time we came,’ Jools interrupted. ‘Are you sure you got the times right?’

  Maggie nodded, ‘I checked and double-checked.’ She pulled her phone out of her pocket and then shrieked as it slipped through her fingers and splashed into the water.

  ‘Fuck!’

  All the children looked up, Amy’s eyes were wide with something that looked, to Emma, like fear.

  ‘It’s OK,’ Maggie reassured her daughter.

  ‘Is it broken?’ Amy asked, reaching for Maggie’s free hand.

  ‘It might be OK once it dries out,’ Maggie said. ‘Don’t worry about it.’ She dipped her head to drop a kiss on her daughter’s wet and sandy hair. ‘And we’re nearly there!’ she said brightly. ‘Picnic soon.’

  ‘I’m starving!’ Sam yelled, rolling over in the water.

  ‘Can you get out now, sweetheart?’ Emma asked. ‘We need to keep walking.’

  Out of the corner of her eye, Emma could see more water curling around the island. The channel was probably four times wider than when Emma had first noticed it and also as deep.

  ‘How much longer?’ Emma asked.

  ‘Fifteen minutes maybe?’ Jools said.

  Emma shuddered as freezing water washed over the top of her wellies. She looked over her shoulder at the beach which now looked very far away. People and dogs, she reassured herself. People walking like everything was fine. No one seemed to be panicking or setting off flares. Although she wasn’t convinced she’d be able to tell if they were.

  Just a few minutes later the water had reached knee-level on the women, who were speaking to the children in bright ‘everything’s going to be fine’ voices.

  ‘Sam, can you jump on my back?’ Emma said, squatting slightly and shuddering as the cold water splashed over the backs of her thighs. Beth took the cool bag from Emma.

  Ruby – eyes wide and face serious – said, ‘Are we going to drown?’

  ‘Don’t be silly.’ Emma forced herself to laugh. ‘We’re almost there. It’s just a bit deeper than we were expecting, that’s all.

  Sam clambered onto Emma’s back, cold and wet and covered with sand, he immediately wrapped both arms around her neck.

  ‘Let go a little, sweetheart. You’re strangling me.’ She started walking again, looking over at Hanan, who had already been carrying Mo in a backpack carrier. The water was sloshing around his feet.

  ‘Just keep putting one foot in front of the other,’ Hanan said. ‘We’re almost there.’

  Emma watched Jools wince as she picked Eden up, but she shifted her to her hip, reached for Violet’s hand and kept walking, as she told Eloise to hold onto her sister.

  ‘Do you want Beth to take her?’ Emma asked Jools quietly.

  Jools gave her a tight smile. ‘Thanks. But I’m OK.’

  ‘I’m sure I got the times right,’ Maggie said again. She’d also picked Amy up and had her on her back, the rucksack she’d been carrying hanging from her front.

  ‘It doesn’t matter now,’ Emma said. ‘Just keep walking.’

  They ploughed on and no one spoke. Even the children were quiet. When Emma looked over at Jools, her face looked pinched and pale but she kept walking, the water sloshing around her. They’d almost reached the rocks when Hanan slipped and shrieked, falling down onto her knees in the water. Emma reached her hand out and tried to plant her own feet more firmly while Hanan struggled back to standing. Mo had burst into tears the second the water hit him and was now howling.

  ‘Almost there,’ Emma told Hanan. ‘You’re OK.’

  Hanan squeezed her hand, but then Emma had to let go to keep hold of Sam, who was sliding down her back with every couple of steps.

  When Emma finally felt rock under her feet rather than sand, she could have cheered.

  They all stayed silent until they got up to the rocks and were able to put their children down. Ruby immediately burst into tears an
d Emma hugged her while Sam said, ‘Why are you crying? I didn’t know we were going to swim. Do we have to do that when we go home too?’

  Fifteen minutes later, the children were wrapped in towels and eating satsumas that Jools had brought, grinning at each other with orange segments in front of their teeth, and not giving any indication of being traumatised by the journey.

  ‘How long before the tide goes out again?’ Beth asked. She was only wearing a T-shirt and she shivered against the cool breeze.

  ‘I think it’s five hours,’ Maggie said.

  ‘So we’re stuck here for five hours?’

  ‘Does anyone have a working phone?’ Jools said, dropping her own back into her soaked bag. ‘I need to call Matt.’

  ‘We need to call the lifeboat, more like,’ Beth said. ‘We can’t stay here for five hours!’

  ‘They won’t come out for this,’ Hanan told her. ‘People do this all the time. You can either walk here and back at low tide or walk out at low and then wait out the high tide.’

  ‘Mine should be OK,’ Emma said. She’d put it in the top pocket of her jacket so it shouldn’t have got wet. ‘Shit,’ she said, taking it out. ‘It’s on five per cent. How?’

  As she opened her texts to message Paul, she noticed the percentage had dropped to two, and as soon as she started typing it died.

  ‘Shit,’ she said again. ‘It’s dead. Is that it? None of us has got a working phone?’

  ‘You saw me drop mine,’ Maggie said. ‘I just can’t believe I got the times wrong.’

  ‘Stop saying that!’ Jools said, her voice shrill. ‘Obviously you did or we wouldn’t be in this fucking mess.’

  ‘Jesus, what is the matter with you?’ Maggie hissed, glancing over to make sure the children were otherwise engaged and not listening. ‘We’re all stuck here, not just you. It’s only five hours, I think you can spare that from your busy schedule. Or did you have an important hair or eyelash appointment this afternoon?’

  ‘Maggie,’ Emma said, a warning in her voice.

  ‘No, I’m sick of this. She thinks she’s better than all of us, just because she’s married to a footballer? What an incredible achievement.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Jools said, her voice small. She slumped down to sit on the sand, putting her head in her hands. ‘I didn’t mean to be—’ She looked up. ‘I’ve got breast cancer. So I know Matt will be worried. I just wanted to let him know …’