by Zoe Blake
“Will you be there?” she asks me, as if I am the one who will save her from this.
“I will be,” I answer her question. “But, I won’t be able to talk to you or touch you. I am only there to witness.”
“Okay,” she says looking away again. Letting go of her hand, I step in front of her and walk out of my father’s study. He is waiting for us in the entrance hall, his keys in hand. Dinah stands with him; she will be the one to help us both through the next week. Dinah was my father’s first, his chosen one, and they have a bond that can be felt more than seen.
Inside the holy part of the temple away from public eyes, the white marble altar is dressed in fabric and the room is lit with candles. Joseph waits with his father on one side of the room. I know what to do and what is expected. Dinah, takes Vashti through the door to a room off the side and I greet the Prophet with a handshake and offer my thanks. My father, Joseph and I sit down on the wooden pew that faces the altar, while the Prophet disrobes himself. I have never witnessed this ceremony before, but I have been taught about it. He is clothed in white, and from a hole in his linen pants his penis is exposed. It’s wrapped in white fabric, the sight of it makes me want to stop this, I don’t want him to touch her, but I know it is not him that touches her, but God through him. She will still be pure for me, because only God will have touched her. I remind myself that giving this gift to God makes sure we will have a long and happy marriage. Shifting in my seat, I try not to look at him. Even though he is an old man, he is physically fit. Manual labor for years at the compound made his body hard, and his heart even harder. Dinah opens the door and Vashti comes out. She wears the veil, a white garment that covers her whole body except for a slit in the fabric where he will enter her. If Naomi was here, she would be holding Vashti’s hand, then holding her down. Without her, it falls on Dinah. Many things will fall on Dinah that she doesn’t want anymore than I do.
The Prophet begins the ceremony with the prayer and chanting before he asks Vashti if she willingly gives herself as a sacrifice to God, through him. She looks over her shoulder to me, and I nod. I am not allowed to speak; it is my place only to witness.
“Place yourself on the altar, give yourself and your body to God, as you choose his way over the ways of man.” When she doesn’t move, I want to intervene, to tell her this is how it should be. Instead, Dinah gives her a push, and she takes a step closer. Hesitating again before she sits down on the edge of the marble block. Tears spilling down her rosy cheeks as she silently begs me to make this stop. My father puts his hand on my knee, sensing my desire to protect her.
Chapter 6
Vashti
I feel like I have fallen down the rabbit hole in a story book, that this is just a horrific dream and I will wake up any minute now. As Dinah stripped my clothes off my body and spoke to me about what would happen inside the other room, I became detached. I left, I ran back to the convent and took my lashes with a smile, because nothing could compare to what I am about to face. I have never even touched myself, the idea of sex is nothing more than a biology diagram to me.
It is meant for a husband and wife. I had saved it, kept it safe and guarded that part of me. I packed it away because I would never need it, I was going to be a nun. Being a wife never crossed my mind until that night, and now, I am about to let a stranger take what I don’t want to give.
“If you try to run, it will be worse than anything you could ever imagine. I know it seems horrific. Especially for an outsider, but you will be happy with him. He is a good man, and this week will be hard, but through hardship we come to find happiness.” Dinah speaks softly to me as she pulls a long white robe over my head. “I am going to be with you the entire time, just do as you are asked. The pain is temporary, eternity is forever.” Her coaching continues, words of encouragement that I don’t hear. Inside the big room, Ezra and the others sit. The Prophet is praying and talking, but I am deaf to his words. Fear shuts down all my senses and I wish to be back in my small room where all I was afraid of was Mother Superior’s cane. Dinah nudges me forward and I sit on the edge of the giant stone altar, like a lamb to the slaughter.
Dinah whispers for me to lie down, and I follow her instructions afraid of what would happen to me. What could be worse than this? She pulls my body so that I am lying straight, my legs dangle off the one end and my head rests on a soft cushion at the other. My future mother-in-law climbs up, on top of me. Using her knees, she pins my arms to my sides and sits down on my chest so I can’t move. Also blocking my view, so that I cannot see what is about to happen to me. A loud sob escapes as I can no longer hide my fear. I writhe, trying to free myself. Dinah grabs my chin, forcing me to look directly at her. She smiles at me, as if it should make this better, and says together with the Prophet.
“And so let it be, that you give unto God that which no other has touched.” Vomit rises up my throat and I force it back down, swallowing my cries with it. “Pure of heart. Pure of mind. Pure of body.” They chant, together as I cry. She won’t let go of my face, she stares at me. She mouths to me, silently ‘it’s going to hurt’ before she places her other hand over my mouth. Silencing me before I can scream.
Her hand doesn’t stop me. I can’t help it. I yell into her palm as I feel my legs shoved apart. Heavy hands on my thighs and his body between them stopping me from closing them again. Dinah shakes her head, her eyes wide with warning, one I don’t want to heed. My body shakes with terror. This is not how I imagined this moment. The only part that I had right was the candles. I try turning my head to see Ezra, he has to know I don’t want this, he has to know I came here for him. The Prophet is speaking, but the drumming of my pulse is all I can hear, whatever he says will only make it worse.
Closing my eyes, allowing my tears to roll freely down my cheeks I hold my breath and wait, in my mind I pray to God. I ask him, why is he doing this? Is it because I did something wrong?
I am not expecting it when I feel him, his hands on me through the slit in this white dress. I startle and my body stiffens involuntarily, no one has ever touched me. His fingers are rough and callused, they scrape on my skin as he blindly explores. There is no warning, no chance to take a breath or bite my tongue. He pulls me open using his scratchy fingers, the skin stings as he forces my lady parts open. It’s like salt in a paper cut or vinegar on a split lip, burning with no way to make it stop. My lip trembles and Dinah’s hand holds down the cries that escape. The roughness of the fabric that I saw wrapped around his penis brushes against my naked skin and terror seizes me. I can no longer move; I can’t cry. I can do nothing. My muscles tense and I’m as stiff as a board. Just make it go quickly, I want it to be over. Please, God. If you’re listening to me, and this is what you really want, make it pass quickly. If it truly is the sacrifice you need, then take it but spare me. Spare me this torture.
The monster between my legs is saying a prayer, and his is louder than mine. She told me it would hurt, but I was being ripped in half, torn in two. Razor blades slicing through my untouched flesh as the dry, cloth covered intruder forces its way inside me. I can’t even swallow as inch by inch he tears my body apart. It’s just your body, you can keep your soul, you are more than a body. I imagine Mother Superior’s face. Did she know this was going to happen? She would shame me for this, make me kneel in front of everyone and tell them I am a trollop, just like she did with Judy when she kissed a boy on our town visit. I’m going to be punished for this, there are always consequences. But Ezra said this is God’s way. Was I taught wrong? Maybe he’s right. No one seems concerned, they are all acting as if this is normal, as if I am meant to be grateful for this. Dinah said that this is me giving myself to God, that it’s the way to make sure my marriage has a foundation in faith. Oh, God, I don’t know.
The Prophet’s penis stays inside me, filling me up with pain as he talks to Ezra. Recanting words of blessing over our union. Dinah takes her hand slowly off my mouth, but I have nothing left in me to scream. I just lie th
ere and stare up at her, she’s got this trance-like look glazing over her eyes. The pain turns from a slicing, stinging agony to a dull ache and my tears dry on my cheeks. I cringe as he moves slightly, his penis stretching me past what I can handle. Whimpering softly, I bite down on the inside of my cheek to distract myself.
Chapter 7
Ezra
I am falling into this great divide between my faith and her. It’s shaking my foundations, watching her suffer physically hurts me. It’s my duty as her husband to protect her, but it’s my duty as a servant of the Lord to honor his commandments and follow the rules. He demands we sacrifice of ourselves to prove our faith in him, this is not just her sacrifice. It’s mine too.
“Ezra, son of Ezekiel, lamb of our God. Do you accept the sacrifice that Vashti has made for your union? Do you know her to be good and pure, right with the Lord our God?” The Prophet speaks to me. All I can see are the tears staining her pale cheeks.
“I do.” I say, my voice soft, my lack of conviction clear. My heart is fractured, torn between the God I serve and the woman I love. This is why my father told me as a young boy that love had no place in marriage, because how can I love her and let her suffer. I was taught to love God above all else.
Her scream echoes, bouncing off the walls around us as he pulls himself out of her in one swift tug. Her back arches off the altar beneath Dinah who has locked eyes with my father and doesn’t look away. Her chest heaves with each breath she fights to take and she thrashes trying to break free.
“Let it be seen here, in the temple, before God and witnesses, that Vashti was pure of body and heart. She has given herself to God through me, and he has blessed the union between her and Ezra.” He unwraps the bloodstained cloth from his still erect penis, and Dinah climbs off of her. Placing a hand on her chest, she tells her quietly to lie still.
The Prophet hands the bloodied rag to my father and shakes my hand. The men leave us. Part of this ceremony is for me to show her that I will always take care of her. Dinah stays, as we are not permitted to be alone together, not behind closed doors. My mother steps away; she goes to the pew where I was and sits down. I know what I am expected to do, swallowing the horror of what I have allowed to happen to Vashti, I go to her. Kneeling at the altar where her head rests, I ready myself.
“I am proud of you. You have suffered this hardship with grace and dignity. You have made me proud, and I am honored to be the one joined to you.” I recite the rehearsed words. They feel as empty as my heart looking at her. The glassy look in her eyes and the way her bottom lip trembles with unshed tears. “I am going to take you now and wash you, we are going to wash away the past as we begin this journey together as one.” Dinah smiles when I look back to her for assurance. I stand up, and move so that I can help her down, my eyes linger on the white veil. I can see the blood stained edges where the opening is. A reminder of what she has given for me, for us. Holding her hand, I help her to her feet, she is shaky and I give her a minute to find her footing. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper, softly so that Dinah cannot hear me.
“I’m fine,” she says on a sob, pulling her hand from mine, I lead her back to the room where she was dressed earlier with my hand on her lower back. Dinah follows us now. In the small bathroom the bathtub is already full with water, the steam rises off it.
“I need you to get in the water please, Vashti,” I say, trying to hide the agony that seeps into my voice. She looks from me to Dinah and back, before she climbs on the small step and gets into the water. Hissing loudly as she sits.
“The salt in the water will clean you,” Dinah says. Vashti’s eyes are watering with pain. I take the white cloth that hangs over the edge of the tub, and kneel on the step. Drawing in a deep breath of the warm steam, I ready myself to lay my hands on my future wife for the first time. This is meant to be gentle, caring, healing. To show her what a good husband will do for his family, but everything about it is charged with emotions I am afraid to express. Feelings I am not allowed to have. Thoughts I should be ashamed of creep in as I see her in the tub, the white veil slicked to her young body under the water. Just the thought of touching her makes my body act in ways that the Lord wouldn’t approve of. Closing my eyes, I build a wall around my heart, protecting my soul from the temptation. Just wash her and be done, don’t let the temptation lure you to sin. If you wouldn’t do it with your father in the room you shouldn’t be thinking of it. Coaching myself to a righteous place, I am ready to do what is right.
I wash Vashti, slowly, carefully over the veil, as I was taught by my father for years preparing me for this day. Nothing could prepare me for how she feels, how she makes me feel. She has stopped crying, as she watches me. Her eyes looking for something, and I pray she finds it in me. Without words I tell her how sorry I am, how much I love her. That I have since the first time I saw her smiling. Once I have washed her body, Dinah puts a hand on my shoulder and I leave them alone so that she can dress.
Outside my father congratulates me, with a wide smile a firm handshake and an arm over my shoulder. He is proud of my choice. Finally.
“I have good news, my son.” He says as we wait in the darkness for Dinah and Vashti to come outside. “Naomi has been found, she is at the compound. You might just make it to Heaven’s gates after all.” My stomach falls like a lead balloon and everything I just felt good about is washed over, painted red with dread and fear. Because, my wayward, sinning first wife is back. This means I am responsible for her punishment, but first she will need to be a part of our joining. Swallowing the bitterness that coats my tongue, I look at my father. “You will go and fetch her tomorrow. You know what needs to be done, we will get it done quickly. You have chosen well, and I’m proud of you, son.”
Chapter 8
Vashti
We drove home in silence, Dinah held my hand where we sat in the back of the car. When we got there, no one spoke to me; she just walked me upstairs to bed. My hair was still wet and dripping down the back of my shirt. Hovering at my door she watches as I sit down at the bottom of my bed, I don’t know what to do. I am overwhelmed with so many emotions that I wish he had drowned me in that bath. His gentle touch only confused my aching heart more.
“He is good man, Vashti,” she says as if she could read my mind. “But he puts God first, so this is all very important to him. He failed his father the first time. He cannot fail again; it will not go unpunished.” Dinah comes into my room and sits beside me. Taking my hand from my lap and into hers, she keeps talking to me. “This week will be hard, but after that you will know real happiness and you will both be closer to God. You have lived outside of our church and I am sure it’s all confusing to you, but I know that God chose you for him. God always has a reason for what he does; there is always a reason for our hardships.” She puts an arm around me and I allow myself to cry again. “Was your life good at the convent?” she asks me. And the answer is both yes and no, but I don’t know what to say, I have traded lashings and humiliation for rape and the promise of a good husband. I shake my head. “Was your family happy for your union with Ezra?” she asks.
“I don’t have a family; I am an orphan. Mother Superior said this would be good for me, that I had a better future this way.”
“You poor child. You have a family now; you are a part of our family.” A movement at the door makes us both look up. Miriam is standing in the doorway. Her arms folded across her chest.
“Ezekiel said you did well tonight, that you made my son proud.” She says coming inside, I am afraid of her. She has only been cold to me since I arrived. “I must be honest. I thought Ezra was making a mistake with you, but maybe God has a plan for the two of you. God knows Joseph will never marry, this could be Ezra’s time to shine.” I don’t understand what she means, but something about her saying that Ezra was proud makes my heart warm. Miriam and Dinah sit on either side of me, and the horror that came before this fades away just enough that I don’t want to drown. “Are you very sore?” Miriam as
ks me.
“It isn’t so bad now,” I answer her, downplaying the agony that still sears between my legs.
“I have been through everything you will go through; you don’t need to lie to me,” she says, with a knowing look on her face. “Take a warm bath, put some bicarb in the water it will feel better in the morning.” For the first time, she smiles at me with genuine warmth, something I have only felt a few times in my life.
“Vashti has no family to attend the wedding,” Dinah says to Miriam, talking over me.
“Do they not approve?” she asks.