Can You Hear Me

by Nick Morgan

  Ultimately, as I argued in the last chapter, people crave human emotional connection—in everything. We are social beings. At the end of all our efforts to insulate and isolate ourselves from human pain, inconsistency, and abandonment, we always come back for more. And yet virtual connections are more fragile and less satisfying than in-person ones. Unconsciously, we want our virtual connections to feel the same as our in-person ones—just as real, just as satisfying, just as emotionally compelling—but they can’t fill that need. The research suggests that as virtual working relationships have increased, employee engagement has gone down, job dissatisfaction has increased, and turnover has risen.1

  The virtual working world is not working.

  The minimum personal relationship

  is not enough for us

  When you work in the same office with someone five days a week, you naturally build up at least a minimal personal relationship. That relationship helps cement your connection to your workplace, your team, and your organization. Over a long period, you feel committed to the other people in your office, Chapter_05.indd 106

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  absent any serious conflicts. When you work on a virtual team, those watercooler or coffeepot opportunities for casual chat are largely gone.

  Why do we feel the lack of that kind of connection and commitment so deeply? Why is it so important to add those personal connections back in to virtual communications if we can? How can you take advantage of recent research along those lines?

  How can you become a strong virtual connector? Let’s explore.

  Let’s get to the silver lining right away. The majority of companies today use some kind of social networking tools to connect their employees, according to a McKinsey & Company survey.2

  The growing use of these kinds of tools provided researcher Lynn Wu of Wharton with a perfect opportunity to study how they impact the bottom line for companies and for individual employees. After all, social networking has become ubiquitous in our daily lives, and we’re all familiar with the consequences—

  the way we can connect with far-flung friends and family, and the way we can sit in the same room with a friend and stare at our phones. Wu wondered, how would social networking tools affect the results-oriented world of work?

  The results of her research were surprising.3 Wu chose to study consultants so that she could understand how social networking affected an individual’s bottom-line results, in the form of billable revenue. Her first finding was that using social networks helped these consultants access more-diverse sources of information and that this “information diversity” paid off in increased billable revenue. So, there was a direct bottom-line boost, for the individual, from connecting with more people within the organization.

  Wu’s second major finding was even more revealing. Her research took her through the recession of 2009, when millions of people in many industries lost their jobs. She found that the Chapter_05.indd 107

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  108 The Five Basic Problems with Virtual Communications more that individuals used social words in their chats with colleagues, like “coffee,” “lunch,” or “football,” the less likely they were to be laid off. In fact, using social words was a better pre-dictor of a person’s keeping a job than were more-objective measures, like billable revenue.

  Wu discussed the implications of her research in an interview:

  “I’m not saying that people should necessarily just stop working and [use social media] all the time. But perhaps there’s a value that social communication can provide that we don’t see. Perhaps this person is a really good team player, and people really enjoy working with this person. Maybe he did not bill directly, but he enabled his coworkers or his colleagues to do a better job.”4

  In other words, the use of those social words in communi-

  cations with colleagues might be a signal of efforts to build strong connections that are helping a team get more work done. That’s encouraging for managers; watercooler chat, whether it takes place in the physical or the virtual world, can be seen as an indicator, at least, of the desire for strong collaborative relationships on a team.

  For individuals, though, the implications of Wu’s research are even clearer: it pays to schmooze, even through the weaker connections of the online world. “Obviously you want to do a good job,” Wu explained. “But you also should worry about intangible communication or other things you have to do at work to make it more likely that you’ll be keeping your job or maybe promoted or improve your career outcome.”

  Connection and job security are closely tied Wu also warned that social networking tools have a dark side.

  Because they enable people to quickly amass social capital, they can also create a divide between the digital-relationship haves and have-nots. If you lack the social capital to make connections Chapter_05.indd 108

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  easily on your team, perhaps because you’re a remote worker and the rest of the team works together face-to-face, you could find yourself falling farther and farther behind. Wu’s research proves that it pays to be conscious of your social capital and to make a point of connecting socially with your colleagues—if you want to keep your job.

  But given how important these online tools are becoming, how can we refine them to make them more than the crude instruments for distraction that—all too often—they can be now? How can we give them the weight they apparently deserve—and develop for ourselves the connection and commitment we all crave?

  First of all, make these tools real. Don’t use social networking as the online equivalent of sucking up to your boss. You’ll get a lot more emotional satisfaction and real connection if you make the online and the face-to-face continua of one another. The old saying “On the internet, no one knows that you’re a dog” was true enough. But today, we’ve learned that it’s important for authenticity and self-consistency to be real online.

  Second, use social networking to expand your sphere of competence. If you’ve done the work in the previous chapters to figure out who you are and what you stand for online, then you’re ready to put your passion to work creating an outsized reputation in the field that matters to you. Become the go-to person in your organization for something that matters to you and that you can go the distance on.

  Third, use online networking to be vulnerable. Few online moves work better than vulnerability to garner support and offers of help from unexpected sources and places. I mention vulnerability not to be cynical, but to be accurate. In spite of the anger of the political world and today’s zeitgeist, most people are still well intentioned and delighted to help when they perceive a sincere need.

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  110 The Five Basic Problems with Virtual Communications Fourth, use online networking to increase the transparency of what you do. Most people are fascinated to learn how something works behind the scenes, whether it’s cooking or manufacturing or rocket science. You need to think carefully about how you go about this effort, and you need to get the balance right between too little and too much information. But if you can get it right, then you will become a rock star online before you know it.

  Fifth, use online networking for humor. Humor is its own justification and is usually received with outsized enthusiasm and returns. I remember a decade ago a lawyer who based a speaking career on knowing more lawyer jokes than anyone else.

  The last I heard, he had assembled something like five hundred of them. He understood that his audiences would be thinking along those lines anyway, so he beat them to the funny bone and outdid them—and succeeded beyond anyone’s expectation.

  Of course, there must always be caveats. To do this sort of online networking well, you need to follow a few basic rules of tact and decorum. These become particularly important in the slippery, fast-changi
ng world of social media.

  Be consistent. Remember, trust is fragile online. The merest sign of inconsistency can turn an audience off. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that being human online means being as human as people can be face-to-face.

  Observe propriety. Here, it helps to be just a touch holier than the rest. Don’t curse, don’t use off-color humor, and so on, unless those practices are well accepted in your world. And it’s surprising how people who don’t mind the occasional curse in a small group will suddenly become excessively dainty and proper in a public setting, especially when a professional situation is involved. Don’t take the chance.

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  Don’t overstay your welcome. One of the great risks of especially successful social networkers is that they become relentless and never-ending. What is charming in the right proportions can become instantly tedious when it’s too much. Decide what an appropriate flow of social media networking is for your world, and stick to it.

  Successful online relationships begin face-to-face. This idea is hard to accept in the online world, but the best way to establish online relationships is to begin in the real world. If you’ve got a team that is going to be working on a vital project for a year and a half, and it’s distributed all over the world, from Singapore to France to California, then bite the financial bullet and bring everyone together face-to-face. This simple (and potentially expensive) technique can save enormous amounts of money and time down the project road, in efficiency and cooperation.

  But don’t just meet; you need to do a couple of things to establish trust and connection, and these tasks work much better face-to-face. So pack them into your first meeting if you can. If not, get them done as quickly as you can in subsequent online meetings.

  Begin with the big picture. As Simon Sinek brilliantly established in his book Start with Why, people need to understand what they’re working toward.5 It’s that simple. Tell them why they’re there—or better yet, get them to figure it out—and you’re well on the way to creating a team.

  Give people personal connections. You can accomplish this essential step in creating a successful online team by sending around a questionnaire and getting everyone to talk about hobbies, interests, and personal circumstances outside work. We’re Chapter_05.indd 111

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  112 The Five Basic Problems with Virtual Communications more likely to bond with people we have multiple connections with. Do we like similar kinds of music? Do we share the same taste in movies? What kind of sports do we root for? These topics don’t need to be complicated, and most people are happy to offer up this sort of information, consistent with their cultural mores and communication patterns.

  Set the working ground rules. It’s absolutely vital that online teams spend a real amount of time talking about the rules, expectations, rewards, and punishments for working together.

  Peer pressure happens automatically in teams when they’re face-to-face, but it doesn’t get established online, because the peer question itself is too vexed in a virtual setting. It’s hard to tell what the hierarchy is, who is naturally likely to take charge, and who will cheerfully be a worker bee. You need to sort those questions out deliberately and with great tact for an online team to function well.

  Create a safe place to talk. The weakest form of trust gets created when everyone comes individually to the boss to vent.

  It’s much better (and much more work) to encourage people to vent together, because of the trust this shared practice creates.

  You need a virtual safe place to establish a team that can deal effectively with the inevitable issues that will come up, especially under the pressure of recalcitrant problems. Set that safe place up as somewhere deliberately marked off from the rest of your communications. Consider whether to make it anonymous; there are risks and rewards both ways.

  Mark milestones, successes, and celebrations. Just as larger cultures have holidays and other celebrations, you need to create a more modest version of New Year’s, monthly milestones, Chapter_05.indd 112

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  celebrations of successes, and so on. It’s far, far better to err on the side of excessive praise and reward than it is to leave achievement unnoticed and unacknowledged.

  Share other kinds of time together besides work. Food is a particularly important human sharing mechanism to build trust. It’s no accident that most important negotiations on the world stage begin with a meal together. Numerous cultures have deep emotional and even religious associations with food. If you haven’t shared meals together, it is highly unlikely that you can have a multidimensional relationship of trust and commitment.

  But don’t stop at food. Use cultural differences as a fun way to learn about each other’s cultures, share time together, and establish deeper bonds. Begin, for example, by circulating a brief set of questions on favorite holidays, top holiday destinations in each country, and cultural hot spots.

  Let everyone lead, train, and be the expert for the rest of the team. Part of creating trust is the essential emotional connection of responsibility. If I’ve trained you in some aspect of our work life, I will feel more responsible for your success. It’s a way of strengthening personal investment in the team. Don’t spend all your time running the show. Share the spotlight, get everyone involved, and watch the connections become stronger and stronger.

  As the leader, you must set the standard. Of course, the leader of the team will be looked to for behavior signals online as well as in person. The signals are harder to pick up online, but the team members will nonetheless attempt to learn as much about the leader as possible to understand what’s expected of them.

  You need to set the standard for personal honesty, candor, Chapter_05.indd 113

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  114 The Five Basic Problems with Virtual Communications confidence, trust, and the other positive attributes you want to inculcate throughout the project. Begin with a story that reveals something about you. Be honest and instant about your mistakes. Own everything.

  Make allowances for language and culture differences. You need to get in the habit of overcompensating in this area, especially if the organization is dominated by one country’s employees. “Of course, we Americans are always way too positive, but I do think this is the best team ever created by MegaCorp and we’re going to set a new standard. But before I get carried away, let’s hear from a more pessimistic group. Some might say more honest. Will the French weigh in now, please?” The touch has to be light and just right, but if you can surface these intercul-tural issues immediately and repeatedly, you will save endless amounts of silent sabotage later on.

  Make allowances for differing work schedules, inputs, and communication styles. The online channel magnifies rather than min-imizes the need for recognition of all the sorts of human differences time, space, and culture can create. It is far better to err on the side of overcompensation for any potential differences than it is to do less.

  There is much work to be done at the beginning of a team project—or any kind of online relationship. It’s much more efficient and productive to get these difficult background issues taken care of face-to-face. But if you must cover them online, then create checklists of all the possible ways in which cultural differences might impede your progress, and talk them through with the team. Skill levels, working schedules, time differences, candor levels, trust levels, communication styles, work demands, Chapter_05.indd 114

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  speed of decision making, leadership styles, gender issues—the list goes on and on. Deal with them openly and completely, or let them destroy the team from within later on.

  The ultimate goal with all this trust-establishing and team-building wor
k (or only trust-establishing work, in the case of a client or customer relationship) is to get people to commit to one another. Once we’ve done the work to get the trust engine revved up and running, what else can we do to solidify relationships online? And how can we get customers and clients to sign on at a similar, early point in the relationship, when trust seems to be developing but we need an extra push to get the commitment? With thanks to Robert Cialdini and his wonderful classic, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, here are some ways to close the deal from the real world that still work well online.6

  Use social validation. People look to others to see what they should do, both in the real world and virtually. Online ratings and reviews are a powerful way to influence behavior. Making clear what the team values are—or what other clients and customers are doing, in a sales situation—will help push people toward commitment.

  Always remember the golden rule of reciprocity. If somebody gives you something, it’s highly likely that you will feel obliged to give something in return. This strong feeling of cooperation allows people to connect, commit, and support each other. Giving a gift increases the likelihood that others will reciprocate by giving you something. This is a deep truth of human experience, wherever humans are to be found.

  Tease and build interest with scarcity. If there is limited availability of something, we assume it is more valuable and we Chapter_05.indd 115

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  116 The Five Basic Problems with Virtual Communications want it even more. We see this scarcity invoked all the time on e-commerce sites. “Last one in stock” and “limited time only”

  are familiar phrases. Restricting information to members only or charging a fee are other ways to add value to your content.

  If something is inaccessible or forbidden, then we really want it! The allure of scarcity bears out online and in the real world, both for teams and for clients.