Can You Hear Me
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But always be consistent—first, last, and foremost. Use consistency to gain trust and commitment. Because people like to think they are consistent in their actions, if you ask someone to commit to something small first, then it will be easier to get a larger commitment from the individual later. The benefits of consistency apply everywhere.
Try to match your target audience. One of the ways we make decisions is from a position of similarity. You are more likely to listen to and buy from someone who is like you and someone you find attractive. Similarity builds rapport. If we feel people are similar to us in background or values, we tend to like them more. To persuade people, the stories and photos on a website need to match the target audience or reflect who the audience wants to be. This kind of human connection is far easier to establish in person because it happens automatically. We size up the other person and decide, “Yes, this person is like me” or “No, this person is not like me.” Online, you have to work harder to find points of similarity.
Use fear of loss to precipitate decision making. When we are emotionally aroused, whether negatively or positively, we are more likely to encode that experience into our long-term Chapter_05.indd 116
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memory. Fear of losing motivates us more than does an opportunity to win. The power of fear of loss holds everywhere, but first you have to get people to care about the outcome.
Always tell stories. The best way to get and hold someone’s attention is to tell a story. A good story communicates information thoroughly and commits the information to memory. And that’s true both in person and online.
Why are we always asking why?
Winning people’s trust to get a commitment is an extremely sensitive activity; we humans are always asking why. We care about intent; trust for us is all about knowing what their— the other person’s or group’s—intentions are. Understanding this psychological truth is what Susan Fiske, professor of psychology and public affairs at Princeton University, sees as crucial to fully grasping the trust conundrum: “If you do one untrustworthy thing, it can take a long time to gain people’s trust back.”7
Fiske’s research examines two basic dimensions of perception—sociality and morality—both of which affect trust and both of which operate quite differently. Let’s take friendliness as an example. There are two explanations for why you’re being nice toward me. One is because you are in fact nice, and the second is because it’s the social and desirable thing to do; you want something from me.
When it comes to trustworthiness, people are generally deemed to be trustworthy; it’s the default in our human psychology to trust one another. And while there are cultural vari-ations in trust (Americans are faster and more likely to trust than are people from other cultures) and the circle of trust may Chapter_05.indd 117
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118 The Five Basic Problems with Virtual Communications vary, trustworthiness still remains the default. Problems occur, however, when someone deviates from that default. If you show yourself to be deceptive and untrustworthy, there’s no quick cure; these qualities become part of who you are, thus making you socially undesirable.
As Fiske explains, “you can be an absent-minded genius, as long as you do something really smart once in a while. However, an untrustworthy person can’t do something trustworthy and then automatically be known as trustworthy.”
Fundamentally, it takes a long time to win people’s trust back after a failure or betrayal, and you have to behave with complete trustworthiness at some self-sacrifice before people can trust you again. This is true for individuals as well as for companies.
Don’t confuse the short term and the long term In the short term, companies will experience ups and downs requiring them to demonstrate to their customer or client base that they’re willing to take a short-term loss to have a long-term relationship with the customer or client. The companies that have gotten into trouble publicly are those that hide things because in the short term it’s easier to hide. But in the long term, they come to seem untrustworthy as a result—the very definition of short-sighted behavior. Remember, we humans care most about our reading of your worthy intentions—or the opposite.
We want to know if you are interested not only in your own outcome, but also at least somewhat in the larger public good.
There can arise a virtual feedback loop if companies take on an issue that affects them. A ski manufacturer might champion doing something about climate change so that the snow will continue to fall on ski slopes, for example. The feedback loop is even stronger if companies support issues that are seen as wider Chapter_05.indd 118
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social goods at the time. That same ski company might speak out in favor of diversity or gender equality, for example.
So how does this aspect of trust change in the virtual world?
If the automatic default is still to be trusted, does this work between two people communicating virtually? Fiske says it does: I don’t think it differs so much, but I think trustworthiness in general is harder to establish virtually than it is in person.
This is due to the fact that trustworthiness has these two components to them. Sociality is easier to establish in person as you make eye contact and smile politely and so forth. Whereas online, it’s a more stripped-down version of interaction. You see a webpage that looks friendly, but where are its worthy intentions? To make it trustworthy, you need feedback, to be responsive and have 24-7 people on call. These are all examples of showing worthy intentions.
It demonstrates that brands, companies, and people are there not only to sell you things, but to respond to you as well. Ultimately, this is being trustworthy.8
The opposite of trust—betrayal—works much the same way.
In the virtual world, sadly, people betray each other in a similar fashion. “When you meet in person, establishing worthy intentions is down to the fact that you trek up to some place, have dinner, and spend some time together,” Fiske says. “If you say that you’re going to skip dinner and work, that’s not very friendly, nor if you spend your whole time in a meeting answering your email.
And while this is easy to do when communicating over the phone or Skype, there are telltale signs when it happens. People often answer their email on a conference call, which you can tell because there’s a lag when you address them.” Your worthy intentions are now shattered, and as a brand, a company, or an individual, you Chapter_05.indd 119
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120 The Five Basic Problems with Virtual Communications have deviated from the trustworthy perception. And these little betrayals quickly add up to a complete lack of trust in the virtual world—indeed, much more quickly than they might in person.
Only use humor that works
across cultures and online
Is humor an effective way to build connection, trust, and commitment? And how well does it translate across cultures, ages, ethnic groups, and all the other ways humans divide themselves up? A laugh is always good, unless it is wrung reluctantly out of your listener because it’s cheap or tacky or insults a cultural norm. Avoid the worst mistakes of traditional one-liners and cheap irony, replacing them instead with witty humor that works and wins audiences over to your side.
Traditional jokes with punch lines are the hardest to pull off.
They offer the greatest risks of giving offense or simply failing because the timing—or the cultural understanding—is off.
So, avoid them unless you know exactly what you’re doing and whom you’re talking to. Instead, consider irony. At its worst, irony is a cheap, easy way to get a chuckle and avoid making a commitment. At its best, irony is a memorable way for the alien-ated to comment on the in crowd, the powerless to bring down the powerful, and the hip to skewer the not-so-hip.
There are three rules for making irony memorable
rather than cheap.
Create an overarching story that is different from what you’re apparently talking about. This narrative misdirection enables you to take an ironic (because it’s distant) stance toward your real topic.
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Something important has to be at stake. But what’s at stake can be anything important that the speaker-narrator cares about.
Cheap irony has nothing behind it—no alternative that it is proposing. Powerful irony points to a better way.
The viewpoint has to run counter to the one held by those currently in power. When the viewpoint stands in contrast to the popular one, the irony has more impact. Irony can give a surprisingly strong voice to those who are less powerful, less engaged, or less popular.
But the best humor both in person and online derives from the moment itself. By definition, then, you have to be ready in the moment, and thus any advice offered here will be too little, too late. Nonetheless, I have three suggestions for finding the right witty comment in that moment.
Don’t try too hard. Wit flows from passion for the subject. If you feel strongly about something, you will find wit in the subject and you will share it with your audience.
Wit is all about upending expectations. The wit is in the surprise.
To be witty, take the subject, but not yourself, seriously.
Nothing kills humor faster than someone’s taking himself or herself too seriously. A small dose of self-deprecation, or a clear indication that you care more about the issue at hand than you do about accolades for yourself, helps people trust you.
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122 The Five Basic Problems with Virtual Communications Come to think of it, those are great suggestions for making online relationships work, as well.
Practical fixes
The update video
The ideal way to establish trust is to mix the real and virtual worlds. But it’s not always possible to begin an essentially virtual relationship with in-person trust building. Budgets and time limitations constrain many organizations, making it difficult to get the ideal combination.
Instead, you can create brief (thirty- to sixty-second) videos that show you doing something in your real locale, connecting with local food, culture, sights, or situations in a way that anchors you in your environment. Your whole team should do the same and share these videos regularly. This virtual library of real moments will help everyone on your team learn to trust and connect with one another—the steps to commitment.
Use your mobile phone to create the video. Keep it very short, and keep it light. Share an authentic moment, not a slickly produced commercial.
The cultural questionnaire
This set of questions is not meant to be an exhaustive test of differences among cultures. It is intended simply to make the process of exploring cultural differences easier. You might circulate these questions before an initial meeting of a cross-
cultural team, for example, or make them the focus of the first meeting itself. The idea is to start conversations, not administer an exam.
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1. What are the three most important historical stories about your country or culture?
2. Which languages are spoken?
3. What are a few of your most important cultural dos and don’ts?
4. Does your country or culture love or hate to negotiate?
How does that work?
5. Do you appreciate formality or informality? What are the appropriate forms of address?
6. Who is equal and who is not in your culture or country?
7. Tell me about punctuality: Is your culture always, sometimes, or never on time?
8. How does your government work?
9. Is gift giving common or uncommon in your country or culture?
10. How long does it take someone to decide to act or not act in your country or culture?
11. How do you greet a family member, a close friend, a business acquaintance?
12. What are the appropriate norms of dress for business, for relaxing, for socializing?
13. What is your country’s favorite sport?
14. Is it acceptable to wager on that sport?
15. How do people spend their days off in your country or culture?
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124 The Five Basic Problems with Virtual Communications 16. What’s your favorite music?
17. Who is your favorite writer?
18. What’s your favorite movie?
19. Who is one of your heroes?
20. How does your country or culture express emotions?
CHAPTER SUMMARY
• Driving to commitment is more difficult online than in person.
• The news is not all bad; surprisingly, perhaps, social media helps cement business relationships, and people with a stronger social media presence tend to be more successful.
• To use social media successfully online for business, play by the rules, be authentic, don’t take yourself too seriously, and know when to quit.
• You can drive commitment online using well-established rules of social influence just as you do in person.
• We basically treat companies as if they were people; we form emotional bonds with them and feel betrayed if they break our trust.
• Trust comes after connection and credibility, and before commitment.
• Use humor strategically to strengthen connections.
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PART Two
SPECIFIC TECHNIQUES
FoR SPECIFIC
DIGITAL CHANNELS
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6.
EMAIL, EMAIL ALTERNATIVES,
AND TEXTING
When email first worked its way into most workplaces, it was part of a dedicated system, a set of interconnected computers limited to little more than email itself, with batch runs of data at night and the infamous sprocket paper—like a slightly more flexible telex machine. Then desktop computers became the norm, and finally laptops and smartphones.
Along the way, our relationship with email was gradually transformed. What began as an effort to make communication of written stuff—scientific papers, hard ideas, things that needed to be precisely expressed—easier between scientists became a way for the rest of us to communicate everything in and around the world of work, family, and social relationships.
That’s when the problems began. Soon there was too much of it, all that communication, and at the same time it frequently misfired. We all suffer from information overload. And occasionally, we suffer from its opposite—information deprivation.
Waiting for the email that never comes, we experience a pecu-liarly modern form of the disease that is as old as Adam and Eve—starving for something in the midst of plenty.
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128 Specific Techniques for Specific Digital Channels We’ve all had our feelings hurt by some email communication, and we probably have hurt other people’s feelings. We’ve revealed in emails some secrets that we shouldn’t have shared, and we’ve been told secrets that we shouldn’t have heard.
Email communication, in short, is simultaneously messy, imperfect, overwhelming, and impoverished. It’s too much and too little at the same time. It was begun for a different purpose, was hijacked to fulfill a need for more and faster communication, and became a blunt instrument that no one can do without.
Now, of course, there are many additional, similar instruments—texting, Slack, and various other attempts to improve on email, but their basic purport is to rep
lace immediate, face-to-face communication with a text-based, virtual, asynchronous alternative.
We’ll talk about Slack later in this chapter, but overall, how well does text-based communication work? The answer is, unsurprisingly, not very well at all. The problems are inherent in the nature of the communication medium. So what can you do to anticipate, restore, and otherwise employ email so that it actually works, if not precisely as intended, because it’s too late for that, then at least not in a mutually self-destructive manner?
First, know what you’re trying to achieve. Don’t use email or other text-based communication media just because they’re the cheapest, easiest, most convenient form of media around.
Instead, spend a few moments or, in the case of a team, a few meetings figuring out what you’re trying to do and, accordingly, what form of communication will work best.
Tweeting, for example, has the advantage of immediacy and the overwhelming disadvantage of inadequacy for virtually everything beyond one of those irritating business slogans that are the stuff of everyday chatter on social media. Do more Chapter_06.indd 128
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with less. Leaders eat last. Always tell the truth so you don’t have to remember what you’ve said. Don’t use tweets for communicating anything that requires any subtlety at all. Period. Even though Twitter expanded the permitted size of a tweet beyond the original 140 characters, tweets are too ephemeral to be trusted with substantive content.
Email can function usefully as part of a communication quiver for a business team that’s separated by geography, but it shouldn’t be the only form. Never use email for emotionally important tasks like beginning relationships or repairing or terminating them.
Second, never email a brick at the last minute. One of the most irritating features of modern digital life is the last-minute communication. It goes like this. You’re heading to a meeting at 9:00 a.m. Perhaps you’re in traffic, and surreptitiously scanning email in the slowest moments. ( Don’t! Put that phone down!
You’re a hazard to yourself and others! ) At 8:15, you receive the following email: