Rude Awakenings

by Jonathan Eaves

withstand the onslaught of the brutal storm. If there was a branch there could be a tree, and if there was a tree, there could be a hope.

  'Doctor, please talk to me. Tell me you can hear me...'

  101

  Back in the sulphurous warmth of his office, Theodore De Ville had forgotten all about the elephant and had presumed that all of the Merrie Men, including Annabel, had ventured into the mines. He looked up from his paperwork, preoccupied, as if he had overlooked something which he was now struggling to recall. He smiled as he remembered, and he clicked his fingers...

  Abruptly the storm ceased. There was no slow easing of its ferocity; one moment the storm was at its strongest and then the next moment, the next millisecond, the skies were blue, the sun shone, the wind had died to stillness, and the snow had disappeared. It didn't thaw - it just ceased to exist.

  For the time being Annabel ignored her puzzlement because now, despite her weak eyesight, she could just make out the prone body of the doctor lying in the branches of a skeletal tree, but she could also see that he was well out of her reach. By his scent she could tell he was alive, but he was obviously unconscious.

  'Doctor,' she urged, 'wake up! Come on now, I need you to wake up.' But the doctor didn't stir.

  Annabel squinted to see how secure the doctor was within the branches. His body seemed to be fairly well wedged in with his midriff folded across a large fork in the trunk of the tree. Furthermore she could see that the branch she had originally grasped hold of was a mere thin off-shoot, but only three feet to the right the trunk grew on up past her, and was a good six inches thick at her head height. She shuffled forward and wrapped her trunk around its namesake, and pulled. For a second or two the tree resisted, and then it started to creak. The topsoil into which the tree's roots had burrowed was merely a thin scrape across the otherwise bare rock, and the soil relinquished the roots readily. Annabel strained, and the tree came loose.

  Using the tree like a pendulum she swung it from side to side, fairly gently, for fear of dislodging the doctor, but in an ever-increasing arc, and in a final feat of strength, she swung the tree up onto the track, the doctor still lodged within it, still obviously unconscious, but very much alive and out of immediate danger.

  102

  Whilst waiting for the Merrie Men to appear Henry had had a bit of time to think and, inevitably, his thoughts had turned to Theodore, and the rest of his family.

  As a De Ville it was his job to spread a little unhappiness and consequently Henry had started out as a tax collector. He had been very good at it, but somewhere along the line the sheer nastiness of the job had got to him. He just couldn't overcome his instinctive desire to help people. So he'd quietly resigned from his post and tried to think of a way of helping people, without it being too obvious. He'd come up with the idea of doing people's tax returns for them. He would become an accountant. Of course he hadn't been able to tell his family. His cousin Theo would have gone ballistic. And so he would set off each morning still pretending to do the commute into the tax office, located amongst the financiers and bankers of Hell-G, whilst all the time he was entertaining his clients in his own sumptuous suite of offices; for he had found that with his inside knowledge of how the tax office worked he could save his clients enormous sums, and thereby charge accordingly.

  However, there was one personality trait that he could not overcome but which, conveniently, was perfectly suited to his type of job. He could, quite literally, bore people to the verge of death. His clients knew this, and they would enter his office with strict instructions to an assistant outside that they must not, under any circumstances, be left with Henry for any period longer than 5 minutes. His consultations, therefore, were brief yet enormously popular - an irresistible combination to the cash-rich but time-poor. But that was many years ago, whilst Sugarlump I had still been on the throne, and, inevitably, the good times eventually came to an end; Theodore had found out, and, furious, had banished him to the mines.

  Henry sighed as he recalled those miserable, hopeless times. For a long, long time he had wandered the mines, alone, with no-one or nothing to speak to. Then Theo, of all people, had suffered a pang of conscience. He came to visit Henry; couldn't let him go, of course, the crime against the family far too great, you see, but thought I'd just come to see how you are, sort of thing. Theo had been able to stay 7 minutes before he began to feel his brains leaking out of his nostrils through sheer tedium. But he had realised Henry's potential as a weapon of mass distraction and thereafter had often sent troublesome souls to visit his cousin. Some of then were still around, wandering through the lower passages of the mine, drooling, mumbling and hugging themselves tightly.

  Then Theodore had been put in charge of Hell-O, and had realised that he could use Henry's organisational skills around the place, as long as Henry had his own office, and stayed there for most of the time...

  The accountant's thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the sound of people approaching, and presently he was confronted by a band of men he assumed to be the outlaws he had been sent to delay.

  'Hello,' he said, striding forward with his hand outstretched.

  Robin, somewhat startled, eyed the accountant up and down. The man standing before them sounded very much like Theodore De Ville and, Robin thought, there was even a similar look about him, though not a similar shape. This one looked a bit like a squashed version of Mr De Ville.

  'Henry De Ville, at your service.'

  'Robin B'La Clava,' Robin replied cautiously as he found his hand being shook vigorously. He quickly snatched his hand back. Like all well-born people Robin knew that accountants were a necessary evil, but that didn't mean he had to associate with them. It was, after all, so very vulgar to talk about money, particularly when you didn't have any. 'You wouldn't happen to be related to a Theodore De Ville, would you?'

  'Cousins,' confirmed Henry, but any further information about his familial relationships didn't seem to be forthcoming. Instead he studied the outlaws closely. 'Are you self-employed, by any chance?' he asked eventually. 'I've probably got a P32D Form IIa around here somewhere if you are.'

  103

  Now that the weather was no longer a threat the going over the mountains became easier for Annabel, and she made better progress. The same, however, could not be said for the doctor, who still lay unconscious across the elephant's back, as lifeless and immobile as a sack of oats.

  Annabel was worried. She had stopped to examine her companion a few minutes previously, and had found no physical signs of injury, yet still he remained out cold. She knew the doctor well, and wouldn't have put it past him to feign injury in order to avoid the physical labour of travel. Indeed he had done similar before. But this time was different. There were no small movements to give him away, and his breathing was too regular and very shallow. Annabel suspected he was in quite a bad way.

  She had no healing skills herself - her calling was of the spiritual, not the physical - but she knew enough to know that prolonged unconsciousness was a very worrying sign indeed. Therefore she had no choice but to try and make the rendezvous with the Merrie Men and hope that one amongst them would be able to tend to the doctor.

  As the hours passed she constantly talked to Dosodall. At first she just said his name in the hope he would stir. 'Doctor? Doctor, it's Annabel. Doctor? Doctor? Can you hear me'? But she soon tired of this and instead took up a running commentary of the landscape through which they travelled.

  'We're still in the mountains, she informed the unconscious medic. 'The storm has died, and the sky is now clear; a deep, dark blue with not a cloud in sight. I can see for miles ahead.'

  As she talked she continued to walk steadily and her progress was surprisingly swift. 'We're still on the pass and fairly high up, but I think we're about to start descending. I can see forest ahead, still some way off, and a long way down, but somewhere within there, amongst the trees, is Old Horse Gorse. And when we get there we'll get you some help. You're going to be alright
, doctor. I promise you.'

  The sudden thought occurred to her that whether the doctor lived or died, she would talk to him again. But there might be a difference; when she heard the dead talk the sound seemed to enter her head through her left ear, and the voices of the living seemed to enter through her right her. She fervently hoped that when she once again heard the doctor's voice it would be from her right-hand side.

  Many hours had passed since they had taken leave of Robin and the rest so she was thankful to eventually start her descent. Vegetation began to appear, albeit sparsely, amongst the rocks, and after another mile she entered the tree line. The air became rapidly warmer, and soon Annabel began to feel the heat. She was desperate for some water, and she suddenly felt very tired. She flared her ears in order to dissipate the heat, and in doing so she picked up the distant murmur of voices. In her right ear.

  104

  What Theodore had relied on was Henry sending the Merrie Men senseless through boredom, or at least delay them for as long as possible. If Henry could delay Robin and his men until after Wacchus' praise day then Theo would have least bought himself another year. And taking your leave of Henry was a very difficult thing to do as he knew by his own experience. But, not that he was aware of it yet, he had made a mistake, for what he hadn't taken into consideration, foolishly, was his cousins'

  incomprehensible need to be helpful.

  'No, we're not self-employed,' Robin answered in reply to Henry's question. 'Well, actually we are, sort of-'

  Henry's eyes lit up - literally. That is, they burst into flame. It was something that came quite naturally to a member of the De Ville family.

  '-except,' hurried Robin, seeming not to notice, 'none of us are, um, exactly earning at the moment.'

  Henry's eyes faded, before threatening to re-ignite as a thought occurred to him. 'You may be in line for a rebate then!'

  'I don't think so,' said Robin. 'Don't you actually have to have paid some tax for that to happen?'

  The eyes went out once again. 'Such a shame,' the accountant commented sadly. 'I'd really like to be of some assistance to you fine gentlemen.'

  Robin looked up sharply. 'Well,' he said, 'there is something you could perhaps help us with-'

  'Yes?' asked Henry eagerly.

  'We really need to find our way out of here. We need to get to a placed called Old Horse Gorse as a matter of urgency.'

  'Because?' asked Henry.

  'Sorry?' Robin replied.

  'What is the reason for your travel to Old Horse Gorse?'

  'Well,' a slightly bemused Robin responded, 'all I can say is that it's very important.'

  Henry shook his head. 'What I mean to say is; are you travelling there for the purposes of business? For if you are, well, your expenses may be deductable, you see-'

  'I do see,' replied Robin slowly, 'but the pressing issue here is, rather than our travelling expenses, the fact that we need to find our way out of here and ultimately reach our destination. Do you understand?'

  Henry nodded. 'I could probably guide you through the mines,'

  he considered, 'but I'm afraid I would have to charge you for my professional services, as a matter of form, you see. But of course any fees payable would be deductable, subject to-'

  Robin interrupted the accountant's flow of financial procedures by grabbing his shoulders. 'Henry,' he cried, 'just show us the bloody way out and you can deduct to your heart's content!'

  105

  Henry led them through a maze of rocky corridors that would have been simply impossible to navigate without his assistance. For the first hour or so they continued to steadily descend, but in which direction they were