Not Looking for Love

by Anjela Day

  “So I’m yo girl?” I asked him changing the subject. Don looked at me with his perfect smile and nodded his head. He bit down on his bottom lip, and I didn't even realize how excited he was making me until I felt my nipples stiffen.

  “Yep,” Adonis said with confidence. he stared at me as if I was the one late to the party. as if I should have always known.

  “So what make you think I want you to be my man?” I said trying not to laugh.

  “I could give a fuck less what you want! You've always been mine. I just had to fuck a few rats to find out.” He said placing his lips on my neck. His words sent chills down my spine. Yass I thought to myself trying not to get too excited.

  “Um you smell good,” He told me running his hands up and down my back.

  "Here you go, babe," Don said taking his jacket off and handing it to me. I slipped my arms in his over sized jacket. Wrapping my arms around his back as his small kisses had my pussy soaking wet. Pulling my body closer to him I wrapped my legs around his waist and closed my eyes ready to give my body and virginity to him in that one second. I didn’t care that we were outside. I wanted to feel him.

  To know I belonged to Adonis would be everything to me.

  “So you wanna—

  He was cut off when the sound of glass breaking and the arguing caught him off guard.

  “Naw come and see me, bitch! On everything I love I will put you six feet under my nigga” Randy said in a slurred voice. He was being pulled out of the party by Nico and Marco. his mouth was reckless. I was unsure if it was from the weed and liquor I was sure they were all tipsy from. Maybe Randy was really about that life. Blood ran from his the side of his face. Adonis moved from in between my legs and rushed over to his boy. Pulling him to the car. It took the three of them to get him inside. He gave me the saddest eyes as he walked over to me. I smiled letting him know I understood. Hopping off the hood of his car I hugged his waist. Slipping his Two Way pager off his hip.

  “You got yo phone?” I asked him

  “Yeah well come and get yo pager when you drop off your crew.” I said Standing on my tip toes I reached up to kiss him.

  “It’s like that mama”

  “Yeah, it is,” I said my lips resting on his ear as we embraced.

  “Come on nigga!” Nico yelled from the passenger side and I pulled away. Walking away I made sure to give him something to watch.

  “Aye Neisha, Make sure yo ass, not out all damn night. In fact be yo ass in by 12:30,” He shouted as I walked into the party.

  ***

  Taking a deep breath I walked through the cluttered house in search of my home girls. I climbed the stairs and walked over so many people. almost everyone was drunk and or passed out. The smell of liquor was burning my nose and I just wanted to puke. Walking through the house I yelled out Zoe' and Cole’s name. I was starting to get pissed as I peeked into a room after room.

  Finally, I walked into a bedroom quickly covering my eyes when I saw three people in bed. A part of me wanted to look, but I also knew it would be my best interest to get out of dodge.

  “Neisha” Zoe' yelled out. I removed my hands from my eyes to get a better look at her bent over the bed and a dude standing behind her. Another dude lying in the bed rubbing his pipe and pulling at her hair to go back down on him. I was speechless. Turning to walk out my eye catches a kid in the corner with a huge video camera. The red light shining brightly letting me know that it was recording. “What are you doing?” I asked not talking to anyone really. I turned looking at the dude recording. “Stop that!” I yelled at him, and he turnt the recorder on me. I blocked my face, and turned my body. “You wanna join your friend. He said, grabbing at me. I pulled away and ran out the door slamming it behind me. My chest was heaving quickly. I almost didn’t make it out the room. I was feeling like my eyes couldn’t bear to see any more. I walked through the house calling Coles name truly ready to go. Pulling Adonis’s pager from my purse to see it was already one am. Damn this night couldn’t get worse if I tried.

  I was feeling defeated Adonis and I just got together and I'd already messed up. Damn, I wanted to cry. I quietly thought still roaming the house. I walked into the kitchen and sliding down to the floor. My head was all over the place. Tears filled my eyes. I finally allowed myself to cry.

  At this point, I just wanted to take my ass home. climb in bed, and forget today had even happened. I felt a hand on my shoulder. It caused me to jump. I guess I was feeling on edge. Turning to see it was Mike. DJ baby brother. He was just as cocky as his brother. He extended his hand U guess to help me up, and I looked away.

  “Come on Neisha don’t be like that. DJ wants to holla at you,”

  “Not me he did all the talking to me he’s ever gone to do. I assured Mike standing to my feet.

  I started towards the door, and Mike grabbed my hand. he seemed remorseful, and he hadn't even done anything. I paused and looked at Mike trying to remain calm.

  “I thought you were the nice one." He said looking me in my eye sweetly. Bro fucked up, let him make up for it.” He pulled me close and flashed his smile. "Don’t we all deserve forgiveness?” In my head, I laughed and just thought to myself walk the fuck away. Fuck that nigga God forgives I don’t!” However, that was not me at all. We all make mistakes and he knew better than to fuck with me now. I followed Mike’s lead into the basement. To my surprise, it was like a little family room that a lot of the guys had retreated to. The room was dimly lit and the music was loud. I remember hearing Destiny’s child no no no as I approached DJ he was playing pool with a few of the guys from the football team. I smiled at them and leaned up against the table my feet still hurting from the shoes I was wearing.

  “What up ANE-isha” DJ said touching the strap to my dress. I hit his hand and he sucked his teeth. His face was beginning to swell from where Adonis had punched him. You could already see the red mark under his eye that you knew would turn black. He nodded his head and 3 of the 6 men got up and walked upstairs.

  “What is it DJ? ” I finally snapped ready to leave myself. He pushed my hair behind my ears and stepped closer into my space. I went to back up and bumped into his brother standing behind me.

  “Move Mike I said my voice shaky. Stepping from in between them DJ grabs my hand. The sound of the upstairs door slammed and I could feel my heart in my throat.

  “I heard you were crushing on me?” He said like it was a badge of honor. I pushed him back and tried to walk away and from know where a pool stick appeared.

  “Stop DJ you going too far”

  “How you figure?” He asked pushing me down on the pool table and pressing the stick against it.

  “Ouch DJ what the——

  I could instantly feel the pain from the pressure from the stick. I looked backward my heart racing my mind speeding as I tried to figure out what to say to get out of this situation I was in.

  “Naw you wasn’t to crush on me all year follow me around like a little dog, but when I’m ready to dick yo dumb ass down you want to act like a lost little girl.” He shook his head and got this look in his face as he pressed down harder on the pole with one hand the other hand he unzipped his jeans. I felt them hit the back of my leg as they hit the ground.

  “No, No, No,” I said I didn’t even know if I was talking or thinking as he reached under my dress ripping my lace panties and shoved them in my mouth effortlessly. I tried spitting them out but he forced my face to that table. I could still fill his hand on my back the other on my hands that felt flat and lifeless the harder he pressed. His dick rubbed against my bare ass as he humped me like a dog. His hand moved from my back and I shook my head no felling his fingers on my leg and before I could blink the tear out my eye that had formed I felt something inserted in my vagina. I tightened my back and the pressured kicked feeling what I knew had to be his dick in me. He trusted his body against mine, and in that second I prayed for death.

  “Yeah, bitch take that shit?”

  “You go
t a rubber on?” his brother asked him”

  “Hell yeah, hoe not gone give me aids” Tears really poured down my face. My first time ever having sex and he accused me of having an STD.

  He pumped a few more times before I felt his head hit my back and moisture from the sweat that had accumulated run down my back. The pool stick rolled off my hands, but I still couldn’t feel my hands as DJ stepped aside. I was relieved that it was over when My head hit the table once again I could feel hands on my hair and this time my stomach was pressed against the table and my knees began to buckle.

  “Oh, you feel so good! Damn hoe take that shit! You like it don’t you?” I didn’t answer and he grabbed me by my hair and slammed my face in the table. I felt my lip bust as soon as my face touched the table. I closed my eyes praying to God to end every bit of pain that I was enduring.

  I don’t know how or when it ended I just woke up on the floor. My body sticky and I was; alone. My first attempt to stand my legs gave out. I crawled around looking for my purse. I didn’t even care where my shoes were I just had to get the hell out of this place. Finding my purse I made my way to the stairs and pulled my way up. Finally making it to my feet I didn’t even look behind me I made my way out of that house. I ran as fast as my weak legs carried me. I could feel the hard gravel beneath my feet and that wasn’t enough to stop me. Making my way to the road I flagged the first Yellow cab I saw and yelled at my address. Before I could even fully step inside. I fought to keep my eyes open as the cab slowly made its way to my house.

  I felt like God was mad at me for falling in love with my best friend. Praying once again that at least my mother was sleep and I didn’t have to hear her mouth or answer questions. Thank God she was asleep. I made it to my room and stripped. I didn’t feel like showering as you see in movies. My body hurt and I really just wanted to sleep.

  I slipped on a pair of panties and a t-shirt and climbed in my bed. Looking at the cable box to see it was almost 4 in the morning. My head was spinning as I closed my eyes. The sound of buzzing woke me from my sleep. It sounds as if a bee had gotten stuck in my purse. I looked around the room then up at the clock only twenty minutes since I had laid my head down. I wanted to scream. My phone began to ring and I snatched it off the base

  “Hello,” I said in a shocked, still groggy tone.

  “I’m outside babe come open the door,” Adonis said and my heart hit the floor. I felt the pain in my face as my lip and eye swelled up. I grabbed my purse realizing that it was his pager that was buzzing. I grabbed it praying once again. I can just give it to him and he will just go. A huge sigh left my lips as I crawled from my bed. I smoothed my night shirt down before walking downstairs. "Breathe," I remind myself slipping behind the door, and pulling it open. I was nervous as hell what Adonis would think if he saw me. so I held my hand out from behind the door trying to hand him the pager.

  "Nah baby I'm blowed, let's go lay down," Adonis ordered. He closed the door and gripped my hand tightly pulling me up the dimly lit stairs.

  Damn, I just got a boyfriend and I was already about to lose him. I thought before stepping into the bedroom. Don had already turned the lights on so it was no doubt that he was about to see my face.

  I slipped in bed while he undressed. I tried not to bring attention to myself

  "You have fun last night?" I know yo ass not just getting in Adonis asked in a slurred but thick voice. I didn't reply I just glanced up watching as he took his pants and shoes off.

  "Baby, you hear me?" He asked laughing.

  "He walked to the other side of the bed.

  "Awe you gone be mad our first night together?" That's cute." He said slipping under the cover. Finally, he leaned over to kiss me and paused in his tracks. Adonis sat up and looked at me. He started to shake his head. Damn, I can't leave yo ass alone I see." His voice still calm, but his words were no longer slurred. or maybe they were, but I could only hear every other word over my heart racing. “Who you fight Neisha?” His voice got louder as I balled up in the middle of the bed. I truly did not want to answer him. I don’t know what made him rip the covers off my body. When he did I shivered in fear. I could still feel the dried blood on my legs. Adonis looked like a deer in headlights. He started to look around the room. his face twisted up in a ball.

  "What did you do?" He asked walking over to where I'd kicked my dress off. Adonis bent and picked my dress from the floor. He looked from the blood-stained dress to me. I could see in his face he was getting upset. His beautiful caramel complexion was now beet red.

  I had never seen Adonis cry before. and was sure I never would. I guess I was wrong. he sat on the side of my bed. he was looking down. however, tears were present in his eyes.

  "Don, Don. " I said crawling over to him to pat his back, and he flinched. He stood to his feet not allowing me to touch him.

  “Man baby what happened?” He pulled me by my hand over to him. Stopping when he saw the pool stick impressions in my arm.

  “Fuck Aneisha what happened! You don’t fuckin hear me” He yelled and stood to his feet punching the wall. He knew what happened and words didn’t need to be spoken. His blood was boiling I could see his rich brown skin turn red as he slipped his jeans back on. He didn’t even look for his shirt he sat on the bed put his Nikes on and grabbed his phone and keys. I don't know why I looked away from him. He grabbed my hand and I pulled away.

  The dirty feeling of shame covered me, and I was spent.

  “Neisha—Adonis started to say and I shook my head no. He didn’t finish his thought he just dialed a number from his phone and bent to kiss my face. I turned my head and he didn’t even bother to follow through.

  “Yo Niko I’m on my way nigga. Shit, I need to handle.” He said as he walked out the door not even looking at me.

  Soon as she opened the door I could tell something was off. I chalked it up to the ounce of weed, and the pint of vodka me and my niggas had consumed. I grabbed her hand then walked straight upstairs to her bedroom. I stripped down to my boxers and hopped in the bed. my dick was already brick hard. not that I was expecting her to fuck. Hell, I knew she was a virgin. I wanted her to have that special first time. I'd even been thinking about how I would give it to her. Tonight I just wanted to taste her pussy and fall asleep next to her.

  “Man ma what's up?” I asked pulling her close. When she pulled away.

  “Nothing!" she said her voice raised like I was annoying her. She then rolled away from me like I made her sick. This wasn't the first time we'd slept together, but maybe because I told her how I felt she was acting differently. I knew she pissed because I left with my niggas. I had to laugh because we already both were trippin'. We were acting like we'd been together for years. Maybe It was because in my head she never fucked with anyone because she knew she was mine. I took a deep breath and pull her into my arms.

  “I Missed yo spoil ass” I whisper in her ear. She squirms and pulls away. She starts to cry and rolls over to the wall. I tried not to get mad but she'd made it difficult. "What's good?" I said, maybe I just thought it. I touch her back and she damned near bust her ass to get away from me.

  “Babe?”I called out turning the lamp on beside her bed. I damn near lose my footing and my breath at the same time. She had a black eye, busted lip, and what looked like dried blood under her nose.

  “Who beat yo ass” I tried to joke reaching to touch her face.

  “Neisha you and yo crew get into some shit?" I asked and she sucked her teeth. Was she really about to act as if I was in the wrong? I look on the floor and see her dress balled up and her purse beside it. I may have had been tweaking but I saw what looked like blood on it. I rip the blankets from the bed and I fall to the ground looking at her blood covered legs my girl had blood on her thighs and knees I reached out to touch her and I couldn’t. My stomach was in knots. Vomit rose to my lips and I swallowed it. Guilt filled my mind, I knew I should have made her ride with me. I'd been thinking that all night. I tried to fight the tears
so she wouldn’t see me cry, but I couldn’t help it.

  “Babe, what happened?” I asked her feeling her look at me coldly. she didn't need to say the words a part of me knew. She looked at me as if I wasn’t talking to her. I plopped down on the bed and pulled her on my lap. She flinched every time I ran my hands through her hair. Tears poured down my face and she just laid on my lap like she wasn’t affected. She wouldn’t talk to me and I couldn’t breathe thoughts of if I had been there being all that hunted me. shit— this was on me.

  I stopped in my thoughts and moved her to the bed. I stood to my feet and shadow boxed the air. Still, that wasn’t good enough I raised my hand and punched the wall. I wanted someone dead at this moment.

  “Fuck Neisha who, what the fuck happened?” She looked at me with a blank stare and I reached into my jeans pulling my phone out. I dialed my nigga Randy’s phone. I put my jeans on grabbed my shit. I bent to kiss her, but it was clear she wasn't fuckin' with me. I couldn't blame her. I just gave Neisha one last look and walked out the door.

  I didn’t know if it was the shame, embarrassment or even regret. I knew that I shouldn't have gone to that dumb party. Whatever it was I knew I didn’t even want to face myself. Hiding out in my room only coming out when my mom went to work so she wouldn’t see the remainder of scars on my body. I had dodged every phone call and every visit from Adonis. I couldn’t even bear to hear his voice on my answering Machine. I felt myself becoming someone I didn’t know. I could hear my mom cry at night because I had become so distant. I didn’t care no one could understand the pain I was feeling. I was two months from becoming 18 and not only had I lost my virginity to my high school crush, but he felt he had to take it. I had lost my best friend and at this point, I thought of death more than I did life. The sound of the boy outside cutting grass woke me from my afternoon nap. It had been almost five weeks since the party and I still couldn’t get over the fact that I had been so weak at that moment I wanted to die inside. It was something that made me fight. Maybe it was the fact that Adonis had given up on me and stopped calling and coming by. Or maybe it was the fact that I just really didn’t want to feel this way anymore. I got out of my bed and headed to the bathroom. Undressing I slipped into a hot shower. I could feel a great weight being lifted as I scrubbed my body. Closing my eyes fighting the flashes that filled my head of DJ. Donald Jonathan was invading my mind once again. The thought of him made me feel dirty. Scrubbing my body till it hurt. Even knowing that it wouldn’t change the fact that It had happened it was over. I just had to live with the fact that my life would be forever changed. I got out the shower and dried off and could feel the scalps all over my body taking coco butter and rubbing that hard stick on my body I don’t know what was more painful the scars or just the thought that I still had reminders. I laid across my bed picked up the phone and called Don I missed him so much we had never gone two weeks without talking let along seeing each other he was always right up the street. Even when I was mad I could go to his house and lay in his bed and go to sleep. What a shock no answer. Why was I mad I had dodged his calls for five weeks and we had just made the step of being in a relationship wow what had I done?