Not Looking for Love

by Anjela Day

  After putting Banks , my pit bull up. I took a shower, and rolled the two ounce's of weed in to a few blunts and tossed them in zip lock bag. I walked into my living room feeling the baggy being snatched from hands. “Nigga Don't smoke all my shit up” I said Not speaking to anyone in particular. These fools had two blunts now in rotation, and I knew I needed one to get back to me ASAP. I don't know why but I was feeling a little jumpy. “Nigga, chill” Capon said like he was talkin' to some bitch. I shot him a twisted look. “Nigga don't smoke my shit up,” I spoke sternly. Pissed this nigga was talking shit. “Nigga yo panties in a bunch?” A-rod asked, and I smirked. “Yeah nigga yo momma not answering her her phone. I need to get this nut out.” I fired back. Jokingly “Nigga fuck you, she said you're dick was to small. She don't have time to be faking with no twenty- two year old. She could get herself off. He joked, and I just held my middle finger up. I fell back on to my lazy boy, shaking my head. I picked up My Play Station controller, and unpaused the game. passed the blunt to. my nigga. I shouted again. “Yo give this bitch a blunt, he need to chill it's not everyday a nigga get turned down by a fat bitch.” “Nigga she wasn't fat and she didn't reject me. She was just young.” I said not wanting to face the fact that I got put down. “Dog she was fat as hell.” Capon said laughing. I took the blunt and took a quick pull. “Nigga she was juicy as fuck, don't pay that nigga no mines. He like those no meat having bitches. Baby girl had everything in all the right places. A -Rod cosigned and I was sure that was because all he liked was big girls. Now norm I’m not into big girls but baby girl had this sexy ass smile. Plus the way she looked in those jeans. Damn, maybe all fat, ain't bad fat. I thought to myself. However none of that mattered little momma was so terrified of Banks, that she couldn't even see who was standing in front of her. She couldn't have, because if she had, she wouldn't have been able to just dismiss a nigga.

  “Yo nigga pass me the blunt”

  “Dog that shit was funny as hell, Girl, jumped up on that car like a track star. Capone said pulling me from my thoughts.

  “Nigga what are you day dreaming about. A-Rod asked and I smile reaching for the blunt.

  My guy, you on that homo shit .. for real for real. Keep asking about my feelings and shit. Either we playing the game or you going to try and tap into my feelings. I said lying back on the recliner and just let my mind drift. The doors slammed startling me. My first reaction was to pull my gun from out of my chair.

  “Yo bitch you get that coke?” This nigga walk in my house speaking reckless. I looked up to see his lips moving, but I ignore that nigga Ricardo. I slipped my burner back in my chair, and continued to smoke my blunt. This nigga had shit all fucked up thinking I answered to him. This was my shit. I answered to no one brother or not. “So you a big bad nigga, you don't hear me speaking to you?” Ricardo was talking like he had balls the size of King kong. I looked around the room to see if Cardo had me confused with one of the other five niggas in the room. “You a fuckin fool Cali.” Cardo said snatching one of the blunts that were in rotation, and took a toke. I hopped out of my chair and got in my brothers face. I was so close we were breathing in the same air. “My Guy , I don't know why you feel the need to walk up in my shit, and start belting out fuckin orders. I truly don't care, but this my shit,. Point blank period. You need to respect that. I told him. Its time for niggas to know who runs shit and I answer to no one. Brother or not. I pulled my blunt from his mouth, and took a pull before tossing it back at him. “Nigga who fuck you think you is!” He huffed at me like a spoiled brat. “Nigga I'll wipe the floor with yo ass.” Cardo groaned charging towards me. “Nigga try me! Gone' do yo best bro!” Cardo said looking from me to my niggas. “Nigga you putting on a fuckin' show. Goin' on wit that bull shit.” I tell Cardo waving him off and picking my controller back up. “You think cause you yo ass put in the most cash to buy a couple of bottles and, a damn brick you moving weight. You still the same little nigga that used to follow me around. Talking about Cardo, let me roll wit you. I wanna be down. How soon niggas forget who put the gun in they hand and showed them how to fire. Who showed them how to whip up work. Nigga you think cuz you got a little cash you running shit. Nigga you still jogging, in a race where other niggas sprinting.” My brother said flopping down on the couch. “So don't get so full of yo self you can't see who on yo team.” “Nigga I know who on my team, the team not the problem. It's knowing who's fuckin loyal to the team. I remind him. “Not that it's your business, but the Coke is in the back. Get that shit out of my house before you cut it. I told my brother getting back to my game.

  I woke up feeling off. I normally woke to Adonis’s voice telling me that sleep is for dreamers. A dreamer don’t do shit but dream. I exhaled and sat on the side of the bed checking my caller ID and ringer realizing that he just hadn’t called. Not hearing his voice put me in a gloomy mood. I found myself snapping at everyone. Including my mother as I sat down for breakfast. My mother gave me a side eye and cleared her throat.

  “Hey, I haven’t seen my twin”. That’s what she called Adonis, being that their birthdays were the same day. Valentine’s Day. I sucked my teeth and rolled my eyes.

  “Do I look like I’m his personal assistant? I snapped again.

  “Look I don’t know what mood you in or what fight you have gotten in with Adonis, but I am your mother first. Watch your mouth, before you no longer have one!” My mom hissed at me slamming a plate of eggs, and bacon in front of me.

  “I lost my appetite!” I shot back, frustrated just being a the table with my mother.

  “Little girl sit your tale in that seat and eat!” My mother roared this time pissed off with my mood. I looked down at my plate rolled my eyes and ate the food that she had cooked. An awkward silence filled the kitchen as she drank her tea and I ate my food. My head was all over the place and for that matter, my heart was as well.

  Five days latter and I'd been locked in my room. I couldn't bring myself to do anything other than breathe, and use the bathroom. I was so upset. What did I do? Why was he so upset with me? I laid in the bed questioning myself. I couldn't make myself stop crying. Hell I'd never been attracted to Adonis, so why was I having all these moods. Why did I kiss him back. Why did he pretend he wanted me. At this point I hated, that I loved Adonis. I hated that I was so confused about everything. I was so pissed I refused to answer any call that wasn't Adonis. So I had pretty much ignored any and everyone. I was shocked when my phone rang and finally his number appeared. I stared at Don's number, the first three rings, before just picking up the phone and hanging it back up. Hell if he could go five days with out me I could go a few hours with out calling him. Hell Don may have had been my best friend, ut he was teaching me to live without him. Even if it was really killing me. I found it so funny that he hadn't called in five days, now today he was blowing me up. I took my phone off the hook, then slipped under my cover. Why was I feeling this way. Just as I had given up on myself and summer all together I heard a tap at my door. Why couldn't people take a fuckin hint. “I just wanna be alone” I groaned sitting up in my bed.

  “Who is it? I shouted standing to my feet and slipping into a pair of oversize jogging pants and a Nike T-shirt that belonged to Adonis.

  “It’s Zoe', and Nichole. My girls said through the door. I unlocked my door and allowed them to enter walking back over to my bed and falling back onto it. They were both dressed in short colorful dresses and heels. Cole’s dress was lime green enough that if she bent you would see her ass. She didn’t care her excuse was that her ass was flat so what would anyone really look at. Zoe'’s dress was a loud Pink that stopped above her knees. She had no ass either, but her DD breast filled the dress just fine.

  “Where are ya’ll going dressed like rainbow bright. I joked

  “Shit somewhere better than yo funky room, Punky Brewster” Zoe' snapped back laughing at my oversize, and colorful attire.

  “Bitch get dressed! We have plans and you will not spend another day locked in th
is room. Zoe' walked over to my phone lifting it to her ear.

  “Shit bitch I thought momma Sharon had got that shit cut off because you never answer it!” I rolled my eyes grabbed my pillow and sat in the bed. Fuck them I'm not going no where. I thought to myself looking at my friends as they tried to tell me how I needed to get out of the house.

  “Man fuck this shit!” Cole said pulling out an address from my closet.

  “Yes! This is it!” She rambled to herself holding up a bright red spandex dress that I wore one Halloween when I dressed as Tina Turner.

  “Absolutely not” I groaned as Zoe' yanked me from the bed almost stumbling backward herself. They both shoved me into the bathroom and Zoe' started the shower.

  “Look don’t make me come back in here and wash yo stankin’ ass Zoe' griped

  “Yeah because she might like it with her two-way ass” Cole snapped at Zoe'

  “Bitch strictly dickly” Zoe' stated rolling her eyes and leaving me in the bathroom to do what I needed. I showered thinking how crazy my girls were. A smile covered my face as I thought of the things that they said. Showering and drying my body I walked into my room slipping into a lace thong, and the red dress. I didn’t even know why I owned thongs. I was normally a boxer type chick. However, I still had my girly days. Slipped into my heels and a splash of my Escada perfume a dab of eye shadow I was out the door. Cole’s father had bought her a 1998 mustang for graduation and I couldn’t wait to ride in it.

  Cole dropped the top and Zoe' hopped in the front seat I didn’t care I wanted to sit in the back and let my hair blow in the wind. I ran my fingers through my hair and smiled as I looked at the sky go from bright blue to a beautiful orange. The air smells different; almost sweet. I felt rejuvenated in that very moment.

  “Oh that’s my shit Zoe' yelled turning up the radio, and blasting the new rapper Nelly. This night felt special. It was something in the air I could feel it. We pulled up to one of those big houses in the in the heights. The driveway was more like a parking lot. It was wide and already completely packed. I knew were officially in the suburbs. Cole parked the car and looked back at me.

  “So Bitch you going to tell me?” She asked with a raised eye brow.

  “Tell you what?” I snapped crossing my arms over my breast looking at Cole like she was crazy. I heard Zoe' smack her lips and I knew something was up.

  “What’s up with you and Adonis?” She said beaming. vision's of our last encounter raced through my head. It left a pleased smile on my face.

  “Nothing, Why do you ask that?”

  My mind flew back to the night in my bedroom. The way that he held me in his arms and kissed me.

  “Naw mama don’t try that Randy and Marco said that yall were together.” I looked away knowing that I was blushing. Together? Wow, I thought to myself. I was trying not to overthink what these hoes were saying. They could just be feeding me some bull shit to see my reaction. I had never looked at Adonis as anything other than a friend. I guess a part of me always felt like he was popular to be with me. In high school he was Captain of the baseball and track team. Standing over six feet 240 pounds perfect milk Chocolate skin and he had these dimples and huge brown eyes that you could get lost in. I smiled just thinking about Adonis. Ahh why can't I shake him.

  “Ump,” Zoe' smirked. She had been feeling Adonis since we were in 9th grade. Although he never paid her any mind. In fact, it would be times he would question why we were friends. Mainly because Zoe' was loud and Ghetto. She had no problem saying what was on her mind. The problem was she never thought before she said things and it tended to backfire. Walking towards the house I noticed a black 1976 Camaro.

  “Damn Don is here,” I said wondering how I could face him. Taking a deep breath. I pulled myself together and put a little bounce in my step knowing that it was a chance that I may run into him. I didn’t know why my hands were sweating, running them through my hair I just tried to relax as we walked in the party filled with our senior class. A few other people we knew. Grabbing a drink from the table hoping it was spiked so that I couldn't shake some of these nerves. I had never taken a drink in my life, but to face Adonis I need something. I almost felt like my eyes were playing tricks on me when I looked up from my red plastic cup. I set my eyes on Cali. He was rocking a fitted cap a pair of dark black guess jeans and a red shirt to match his Nikes. He looked so good. I had lost my train of thought. He looked up at me and flashed that perfect smile and I quickly looked away. Doubling back when I laid eyes on Adonis. His hands were wrapped around some random chick. I really didn’t know how to react. I was feeling worthless I downed the remain contents of my bitter punch. Before I grabbed another cup off the table. I downed that cup and I could already feel the reaction of the juice kick in as I swayed to the music. I looked back over to where Cali was standing and He was no longer in that space. I closed my eyes and just let the music move me when I felt hands wrap around my waist. I rested my head back smelling cigarette smoke. I jumped knowing that it wasn’t Adonis. I tried to pull away but the huge hands pulled me back. I could feel warm breath on the back of my neck and I was kind of dizzy so the more I fought the closer I came to hitting the floor.

  “um you smell good the familiar voice whispered in my ear. I quickly turned around and again was taken aback when I saw my high school crush standing behind me. DJ I whispered. He was hella sexy. The way he dry, humped me on the dance floor had me feeling uneasy. As soon as the music stopped I attempted to walk away. I guess that upset him because he pulled me back into his space. Luke’s Birthday song began to play and DJ forced me to bend over. His hand pressed in the middle of my back, and I felt strained.

  “Ouch stop I cried out,” He dry humped me harder forcing my body to thrust with every pump he gave. I could feel how hard his pipe was. It was easily ready to jump out of his pants. Hell the way he was humping we might as well been ass naked. Tears gathered in my head as he grabbed my panties. “DJ please” I spoke with urgency in my voice. My heart began to race. I thought I wanted to be with DJ but never like this. He was hurting me. I was seeing a side to him I never wanted to see in any man.

  “Damn DJ stop it! What is wrong with you?” I finally yelled out. I pushed him backward. That caused a small few people to look towards us. He pulled me closer not really caring that all eyes were on him. Hot tears ran down my cheek feeling like he may do something to me. It was like no one saw that he was hurting me. Or no one cared. I closed my eyes and prepared for the worst when my body hit the ground. I opened my eyes to see Adonis standing over DJ His fist moved quickly as he repeatedly punched him. It was like watching a bad movie in slow motion. It took a second for me to gather myself. When I did I called for Adonis, but he was lost in a trance.

  “Don, Don stop!” I yelled calling him by the nickname I use to call him when we were young. I stood to my feet wobbling a little in my heels and grabbed his waist. “Adonis please” my eyes plead with him.

  “Naw Babe move” He roared.

  “Nigga this my girl touch her again——

  He bit down his bottom lip and raised his fist when his boy Randy came behind him and pulled him away. I was elated that someone had stopped him.

  “Naw that nigga need to know you don’t touch shit that belongs to me.

  "He knows baby please" I begged him, watching as Adonis come unhinged. I thought he was going to kill DJ for sure. Thankfully his friend Randy was there. He grabbed hold to Adonis then dragged him out the front door.

  I stood and watched in disbelief. This was not happening I said over and over in my head. frozen in one space like a frightened child.

  “Naw nigga I got to get my girl” I heard Adonis yell fighting his way back into the party. He walked over to me grabbing me by my hand he pulled me away and I couldn’t fight the smile that was now spread across my face. He walked me over to his car and leaned up against it. He wrapped his arms around my waist and just stared at me. “You good , beautiful?” Don asked catching me off guard. I
looked into his big brown eyes and got lost. He was so sexy how is the first time I’m seeing this I thought to myself.

  “What you got on,” Adonis asked breaking the silence. I dropped my head into his chest feeling a bit embarrassed. “Don't do that don't ever be ashamed of who you are.” Don said smiling a perfect smile at me. He lifted my chin and placed his lips to mine. It was a simple kiss but it sent chills down my spine and straight to my throbbing teapot.

  “it’s a dress” I finally answering his question

  “Um, it looks good on you. He ran his hand over my ass and smiled at me. I was so lost in Adonis’s eyes, but I couldn’t stop the pain I was in from standing in those heels. I wanted so bad to kick my shoes off. Was that ghetto? I thought to myself. Would Adonis look at me differently? I mean he was my man now. At least I thought he was. I couldn’t do the same things I use to do around him. Could I? He must could have sensed how I was feeling. or maybe it was just clear my feet hurt. Whatever the case might be Adonis lifted me off the ground. He placed me on top of the hood of his car. Then he spread my legs and inched his body in between my thighs and my body shivered.

  “You cold?” He asked rubbing my shoulders.

  “No I’m good” I quickly lied. I didn't want him to think I was needy. I licked my lips and smiled. I knew my teeth were chattering, but I still didn't want to admit I was freezing.